- 1 Minute Tips
- Race, Racism and Society
- Videos Music Rhythms
- The Kyle Phoenix TV Show & Podcasts
- Dating Skills
- Books & Videos By Kyle Phoenix
- Liberation List & Reviews of Books, DVDs, Music
- Biographical & Contact Information
Dating Skills 101 For MSM, Part 1 by Kyle Phoenix
Planning a date is simpler than you would ever believe. You just have to keep in mind WHAT a date is for and plan around that. A date is similar to a job interview but the focus isn't the best candidate it's to show you at your best. Showing yourself at your best will get you further than trying to be something you're not. Opposite the intended outcome of a job interview but same skill set.
However there are some things to avoid on the first date:
Coffee Dates---Drive By/Interview---let me see if you're good enough for an investment. I wouldn't be writing this if I didn't think you, me and plenty of other men are worthy of significant time, energy and investment. Do you think that of yourself though? Or are you just worth a cappumochacino?
Lunch/Dinner Dates---Investment---clean clothes, time spent, real attention paid.
House First Dates---Sex---let's eat (sex) and watch a movie (sex) and then have sex. It's a compliment that someone finds you attractive and you them but sex too fast---Non-Investment---I can get the milk for free, why invest any time or resources? There's a reason why mothers and grandmothers have advised against fast sex for years and fathers and grandfathers have separated potential spouses into categories "good time" and good ones.
Food or No Food?
Probably there will be food involved. Why? Because it's one of the most basic and intimate functions of being human. The question comes down to maybe three basic questions: who pays, where, and what.
Men who are interested in men (and any other gender that want to apply these strategies) get into this silly squabble internally and miss out on great pairings because they forget what makes intimacy work. Generosity. You're not bargaining and heavy hand negotiating to win on Shark Tank. You're on a date. You're giving of yourself to establish a bond of intimacy with someone so that you can experience a level of emotional bonding and enhancement. Therefore you can't measure dating in dollars and cents. You measure it in outcomes.
That said. Figure out your budget. It should roughly be that wiggle room you have in your monthly budget. This is your Dating Budget. The lights, rent, mortgage and cable should stay on after using this discretionary funds maybe two or three times a month.
He who asks, pays. It's okay. Breathe. You're giving. And if it doesn't work out with this one, you're practicing. Remember every date is practice for the real one. Like driving school. The more casual you are through practice with everyone, you'll come off like a winner, a superstar when you meet the real one. However if you rock stingy, one, your dating life will be short because who wants to go out with a stingy person and two, you'll turn off someone who likes you but you just displayed some crass behavior.
Men interested in men generally don't have the same gender dating experience in high school and college (where heterosexuals practice Dating Skills 101) so they don't learn how to navigate resources and intimacy and erroneously feel like they're "paying" for someone's attention. Instead what they're missing is that we're animals and animals show each other their capacity to give, to provide. You're literally a bird or a lion bringing something back to the nest. This is a signal to your date about how you share, how you support, how you care and having a mental budget allows you to prescribe to yourself what you can and can't do.
Where to eat?
I personally have half a dozen restaurants around Manhattan that I know serve fantastic food, I have an idea of the prices and I can describe the location or have them on speed dial for reservations.
Restaurant #1: Cheap Date (Budget Love)
Be honest. If that's $20 for you (I like Wendy's----I'm just putting that out there) then that's your budget. Give freely, give lovingly and tell your date, "Go ahead, baby, Supersize!"
Restaurant # 2: Medium/General Dates (Your Spot)
This might be your go to place that you know has a variety of dishes from burgers to steaks; liquor, nice desserts and candlelight. This might cost you $100 for two people. This might also be the general area you spend on every date if you can afford it. This price point will give you a good presentation experience, good food and comfortable space to talk which is a natural boon to the cost. (Pennyfeathers was a sensational restaurant that I would go to on dates or for nights out with co-workers; I knew the owner and waitstaff (making it a safe space in case my date was cwazy or drunk), the food was great (T-bone steak for $30! and it was easily accessible on 7th Avenue South in Manhattan.)
Restaurant #3: High End (Special Occasions, etc.)
I love several places in NYC (Morton's, The Four Seasons, Plataforma Churascaria, Frankie and Johnny's, Peter Lugers) that dinner for two will be northwards of $200 and I've gone to them on special dates and also sometimes on first dates. The important thing about your High End spot is that you love it. Keep in mind on dates that if you're leading it should be somewhere that you like---so that if the date turns out to be a dud you've had a wonderful time at one of your favorite places. In fact, I've had bad dates where there wasn't a love connection but having gone to my favorite places, I've still had a good time.
Yeah, you could go this route. Or you could be the one who graciously allows themselves to be treated to a meal or two. Or you could be the one treating. If they pay and you still feel slightly uncomfortable with that, leave a sensational tip! If he pays for a Medium Meal and you drop a $25 tip, the wait staff will love you and you'll be enhancing his generosity. Remember you have to decide whether to be the Democratic Leader (Alpha) or the Empathetic Receiver (Beta), more on that in other blogs and the TV show.
But you have to decide. That's the first step in dating and enjoying it. Deciding to give. Deciding to receive. Deciding where to go. Deciding what you can afford. Deciding that you can do this and most importantly deciding to enjoy the dating process as you soar into delightful possibilities!
Next blog, OTHER activities to do on dates besides simply food (and sex!) that will give you a chance to get to know someone and vice versa!
These blogs on Dating 101 are aligning to upcoming episodes of The Kyle Phoenix Show on Dating 101---check it out!
Thanks and enjoy! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Time Warner Cable, Verizon Fios or Comcast or the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/