You've seen him around or maybe you've never seen him before and you "Meet Cute"---a Meet Cute is any chance, casual encounter that happens when you're not looking for it and one or both of you could be played by someone from a romantic comedy. One of my more memorable Meet Cutes was on 44th Street and 8th Avenue. I had decided to take in a Tuesday evening flick---Kinsey with Liam Neeson---and was strolling up the block to get a Pepsi to put in my bag (the theater only serves Coke.) As I was standing at the corner about to cross to the deli someone in my peripheral vision leans out from the line of us standing on the curb and winks at me. He did it a couple of times because at first I didn't notice but then I realized it was for me and smiled back in a big smile and he smiled and I smiled and he smiled and then I forgot to cross the street then I remembered and we crossed and we started chatting on the other side I got my Pepsi, we sat at one of the dessert places in Times Square to kill an hour before my movie and he then joined me for the movie.
That was the beginning of 36 hours of cray cray on a stick. I was distracted by how handsome he was---Black and Dominican mixing for all it was worth, his glob charm and quite frankly, I was high from the Meet Cute. A really good Meet Cute to anyone can dislodge your good sense for a while and this was 2004. Within 36 hours he revealed that he was 4 days out of prison, HIV+, somewhere between confused and bisexual, a former Calvin Klein model (yes, he was THAT kind of handsome), a drug addict, hated dated one of Diana Ross' daughters, his mother was dead, his stepmother was evil, he'd done several pornos, his father was mad at him, in jail there's a private space covered by a tent of sheets that's known as the Boom Boom room to go and masturbate, he had but refused to take his HIV medication, he was an on and off again prostitute, he'd been a drug dealer.....oh, and he was a Scorpio.
He was my last official cray cray date.
He stole a broken laptop from me.
He left his HIV meds.
No, we didn't have sex.
What I learned from this when I realized he was nucking futs---about 3 hours after the Meet Cute---was how I was responsible for all the other cray crays I'd met and dated over the years. I'd let them in.
When you see crazy coming down the street, cross the street. Don't give him your number. Don't ask him how you can help. Don't act as a referral service to anything but the local police station for him. Don't feel bad about not being the world's social worker. (Even if you are a social worker, you can take some time off too.)
A man is his character. Is he generous, caring, considerate, loving, thoughtful, courageous, responsible, keeper of his word. I've learned to not excuse any of the really good traits for silly superficial traits--masculinity (personality put on), funny (who isn't?), charming (practiced), dysfunctional (drug addicted/neurotic/passive aggressive/narcissistic, not taking care of their health).
If you are sharing your body before you have an understanding of a man's character, you have to take every lump whether that's emotional, physical or STD related. No one else is responsible for you not being able to control your desires though good character in another would have them extend their responsibility trait.
Earth, Wind and Fire tore up that song! But when someone starts telling you the reasons why, it should make sense. if it doesn't make sense, it ain't true. I've learned that crazy people are amazingly good at telling you how they are constant, continuous and unwitting victims to reality. Racism, the police, their parents, drugs, women, men, the prison system, the color blue, oxygen and the dog sitting over there minding their own business. Life challenges us all. In fact it should be called Challenge and not something as simple as life. And yes, we all need loving and understanding and a second chance. But we also need the truth to be told to us as well as being able to tell it to ourselves. Powerful people can handle the truth, weak people crumble from criticism.
As a side note, I notice how MSM are the most damned by criticism; they get an immediate case of the can't takes. You tell an MSM that he didn't do something correctly or he was directly wrong and if there's room he'll dramatically fall out on the floor or throw himself at the window. Why? I trace it all the way back to MSM growing up with a hidden sexual preference/identity and the social pressures of manhood and masculinity around them that acts as a form of constant identity criticism. Therefore when criticized their super tender to criticism---it must be homophobia, it must be racism, it must be misandry!
Nah, sometimes it's you, you did something wrong. There are things for you to learn that you don't know or have learned incorrectly.
Heterosexuals learn how to separate (the healthy ones) criticism about their actions and criticisms about their identity. That's a big distinction to learn, to move through, to internally know and it leads to a healthier sense of self-esteem and ability to be intimate and bond in successful relationships. Are you seeing how the inability to handle criticism can aid in MSM not finding or creating satisfying relationships?
I learned from my 2004 Meet Cute that I didn't have any feelings for him. There was a time when he would've been the Bees Knees Life Project for me to take on! For me to comfort and coddle and save! Oh, Lordy, I could've saved him! But by 2004 I'd been in several short and long term relationships, done some year long therapy tune up twice and was at a job that started out as a consulting favor but turned into a career changer.
Confidence and self esteem are not the same things.
Confidence is internal---it's that I feel adequate and capable and balanced enough to act.
Self esteem IS the action occurring and being put forth externally.
For a long time I confused the two, I thought because I felt good about myself that I had good self esteem when in fact I would allow all kinds of foolishness around me. But by 2004 I'd thrown out friends, families, lovers, fools and even jobs who crossed my confidence. I'd finally actualized my self to self esteem in action. I distinct remember sitting and listening to Mr. Meet Cute in 2004 and hearing allllllllll of his cray cray and having no desire to fix it. The real truth of being involved with cray cray MSM is you, not him. You think you can change him, fix his nuttiness, deal with his problems (and your own---you're always putting yourself on the back burner to help the nutballs.) Sitting across form him, I understood that while, yes, I felt sympathetic to his problems, I couldn't fix them. Not simply I'd decided wouldn't but couldn't. Real power knows it's limits. He'd made some adult decisions in his life, he was in his thirties that had detemrined a lot of where he was and where he wasn't. I wouldn't and couldn't repair that.
When I tell my 2004 tale in workshops to example how you have to be conscious of taking care of yourself and maintaining your character people often ask about my sympathy, about how I can be detached, how I can tell them to not pick up the phone, text the dude, answer the door, resist their compulsions. I point out simply, the object of your desire is not in a room somewhere (or on this blog) talking about you. Sit with that for a second. Really sit with that. Guilt ans shame are two different things. Guilt is you did something wrong, shame is you are wrong as a person. Setting boundaries doesn't feel bad. If it does it means that you have issues with guilt and shame. MSM who announce proudly their self-worth and that they're men of power who take care of themselves don't understand, power doesn't have to announce itself. It simply is. Like a flower or a mighty oak tree.
You simply stand.
I felt sympathy for all the stuff in the guys life in 2004 but you know what? I didn't make those choices that he had in his life. And he was actively not working on fixing those things. That's a big thing. He wasn't in recovery, he wasn't taking his meds, he wasn't working----he simply wasn't. When you check out your own guilt look at what is that man doing to rectify these problems. Desire is bluntly, bullshit. Actions speak louder than words when people talk about making change.
|Never trust a big butt and a smile. POISON!|
Responsibility and Accountability to your internal self confidence matching your external self esteem is how you avoid those how are destructive to themselves or you.
I was able to observe and hear and walk on by that guy in 2004 after 3 hours of observation because my internal (confidence) No and external (self esteem) No, are aligned.
Coming Soon: Part 2, Your Arrogance and Crazy Men
Thank you for reading,
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