Dating for MSM, Part 3: Getting Boomtastic! Sex, Sex, Sex
There is debate about how long one should wait to indulge in sex. MSM tend to have sex faster due to testosterone and the freedom from the risk of pregnancy (though I would offer that HIV is God's way of acknowledging/projecting all sexualities under the Sun need to be responsible). It also acts as a false marker for intimacy. It's far easier to be physically naked than it is to be emotionally naked. MSM therefore having grown up without the support and embrace of society: their families, their friends, schoolmates, teachers, deli counter cooks, don't always have rules for sexuality. Some of the positive stuff that society can give us is the wisdom for how to measure when to do something, when not to and how to listen to our core selves and not our rubber parts. However when you haven't been grounded in your sexuality being valuable and of quality, it's something, as of 18 years old, you're now responsible for.
When to have sex?
I wish I could give you an easy answer but the volume of your neediness for intimacy is playing louder in your head then anything I can say to you. I've learned this in workshops. I've learned this in workshops despite the room being full of fifty men and half of them being HIV+ and sharing how immediate sexual gratification got some of them caught up in the permanent jackpot.
Here's what I throw out: 3 months.
A large percentage of the men in groups LOSE THEIR DAMN MINDS trying to conceive of this time frame. ow here's the interesting part, they're often the ones whose relationship strategies aren't working; who aren't dating' who aren't even being sexual. It's akin to someone ill coming into the Emergency Room and refusing medical care and then sitting in the waiting room complaining about the pain they're in. The shock and upset come from fear. Fear of losing a man's attention because MSM at the core of their sexual identity have acquired shame/inadequacy/.lack of value from society's projections. But rather than deal with that fearful feeling they fight hard against the cure. Why? Because abused child fight social workers to go back to their abusive parents. The lack of value encultured within, creates insane behavior on the outside.
If you are afraid that a man won't value you enough to leave you if you aren't sexual with him that suggests a lot about him and your relationship. You're saying that he finds you disposable and maybe you secretly think of him as disposable too. What I often find surprising is how many men sit together in groups and acknowledge and nod about the pandemic of HIV and then rush into sex. Logically, healthy men would have deeper boundaries around their sexual activity unless there was a neurosis/mental upset at work unconsciously that they weren't considering. The attempt to alleviate that feeling of lack of worth, a reflection of society saying you're sexuality isn't good enough for love, consideration, marriage. Yet you're still forced to work, support, pay taxes, be nice to grandma---an emotional rape victim having to make nice-nice for the social perpetrator.
Woah, heavy thoughts, huh?
Ok, back to Sexual Standards.
You and he can negotiate sex. Not simply positioning but also comfortability. A friend recently told me about an online hook up where both he and the other guy were so nervous that they HAD to talk before sex. It turned into not satisfying sex for both of them. I suggested to him that both of them didn't have complete comfortability with what they were doing. He defended that no, they had sex. I reinforced that I wasn't taking about their ability to commit a penetrative act but they weren't comfortable with each other. When he had to stop and think past his sexuality and desire to whether he felt good about it, he had to admit that he didn't and hadn't. I suggested he not become celibate, the other end of the spectrum but instead that he explore sexuality and have fun without so much pressure to it being great or love or perfect.
Again you're wondering okay, what does all this mean? Imagine now having these discussions with yourself or others before having body contact. Not just what do you like but why do you like it? Why do you want to be sexual? Ask the other person why they want to be sexual with you? Ask what they find sexually attractive about you?
Now I want to be clear here that when I suggest waiting a few dates, or a dozen, or more, that doesn't mean there can't be kissing, petting, sleeping together, flirtation, just no penetrative or Bill Clinton sex. Not only are you trying to get to know someone else but you also don't want to become chemically bonded to a man that you later discover is a louse.
Points to Consider:
- Have you ever had repeated sex with someone you don't like?
- If you agree to casual sex you're saying my body and your body like each other so sure and maybe, hopefully, one day this could turn into a committed relationship or marriage, maybe.
- If 85% of MSM are Betas (more estrogen based) then they have a greater susceptibility to oxytocins, "the love hormone". There's scads of studies on how this hormone causes not simply women but high production of estrogen males, to bond emotionally through sex to the smell, taste, touch of men (who have higher testosterone---Alphas--who don't feel as emotionally connected.)
- Betas commit through sex; Alphas commit through giving/loyalty/commitment=love.
- Betas often foolish try to use sex thinking sex is bonding.
- Alphas don't bond through sex. They enjoy it like a Wendy's hamburger. Then bounce.
Now wait for it, wait for it-----consider how this effects HIV rates. A bunch of MSM having sex, feeling chemically bonded and sexing more and more and more, in spite of ambivalent feelings for their partner or physical risk. If MSM are willing to risk themselves physically for sex, they would probably do so emotionally as well, huh?
MSM are challenged with having to negotiate their identity and sexuality without any social training, this definitely means that impulsivity and attraction have to be considered. I'm no prude, nor do I advocate every sexual congress has to be a four bell wedding/honeymoon. What I am suggesting is if you put up some boundaries around sex you'll discover that there are Good Men out there who want to hear from you your standards not your easiness. If you're this easy with Bob on a date, Bob now knows for sure, whether he ever admits it to himself, how easy you are, period. Curiously MSM spend so much time with women but don't learn from successfully partnered women---don't give it up, make him earn it. If all it takes is attraction for you to be sexual when you report to wanting someone good and honest and loyal and trustworthy and stable---all of those characteristics can't be discovered during sex. Character can only be observed over time. So if you put getting to know someone's character over getting to know their rubber parts you probably won't spend as much time talking to friends about how you've been cheated on, or more drastically, sitting on a hard plastic chair somewhere wondering will the medical attendant tell you, from the test, something negative or positive.
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