6 Fs: How To Read Men's Eyes By Kyle Phoenix
|Friend, Flirt, Fuck or False?|
|Fight? Or Friendship/Fun?|
What we learned there then spurred me to create a workshop/television show episode on MSM dealing with other MSM and the 6 F's. It's a crowd pleaser and really fun to do in person. I'll give you the outline here for you to consider and maybe even practice with.
Heterosexual people, I'll amend that to healthy heterosexual people, socially have 6 Forms of eye contact available to them:
1. Flight: you make eye contact with someone and they give you a menacing look from either the top of impending violence to just unease and you make haste and get away. You're worried for your safety. That's Flight.
2: Flee: eye contact again and they make a move and you flee. Flee and Flight are similar but think of them as two ends of the continuum. You might Flee from your Aunt with sticky hands coming over to pinch your cheeks at a family reunion. She's not dangerous, just not desirable. (I recently went to my mother's birthday party and the family pedophile was there. While I greeted him politely at the door, i spent the entirety of the party at the opposite side of the room from him. I didn't leave but I didn't want to be in close proximity to him.)
3. Fealty (Friendship/Fun): this is generally between friends or family or lovers or even when you and another person standing on line at a store make eye contact and silently agree that the person ahead of you or the cashier has done something foolish or rude. You agree with each other. That connection is a form of loyalty or fealty. That's warmth or gentleness or acceptance or love in your eyes. You soften your gaze or you laugh with your eyes. It's generally reserved for looking deeply at someone and accepting them. This is also part of love with lovers---I accept you, I like you, I want to be with you, I want to know you, I am interested in you.
5. Flirt: you're checking someone out, admiring them physically, sending them an appreciative gaze or an agreement that they're "good" or you've gone even further and you're visibly sexually appraising them. Flirt is complimentary but not overtly sexual. It says: "Hey, you're attractive. I like what I see on MANY levels."
Now here's where it gets fun and where we compare sexualities. Women are generally masterful at using all 6, recognizing all 6 and even mixing them.
Heterosexual men are generally good at only 4 of the 6 unless they practice. Flight, Flee and Fight are generally where they drop off. They've either learned or not learned how to do them effectively but it's okay because they don't often need them or use them as much in life.
What we found in the 30 man workshop on the trip to Columbia and subsequently when I've run this exercise with MSM, is that gay, bisexual, same gender loving men have trouble with knowing 2 or 3 well. The first time I learned this concept I was surprised until we role-played it out. Two groups of 15 men facing each other, cards handed to one man at a time of 1 of the 6 F's to flash intently at several men while walking past and then we had to answer what he was doing and if he'd done it right.
|The setting suggests Flirt or Fuck |
but look at his eyes,
is that what he's saying?
When we discussed the results, we learned that homosexual men learn Fight/Flee as a combo, Flirt and Fuck so they're really only operating with a half range of human eye communication. The reasons why have to do with growing up Flight and Flee show fear or anxiety and essentially MSM learn to mask or hide those feelings when they're in groups telling fag jokes or baiting their sexuality. Having a sexuality that includes men also means that you probably had crushes on your father, your brothers, your cousins, your classmates, your best friends or you found random, unavailable men (probably heterosexual) attractive (and still might) but it isn't always appropriate to display that attraction. Homosexual men learn to lie. But the lie isn't so much of a non-true as it's a blinding or a blindspot.
|Fight, Flirt or False?|
Think of it this way, you have a friend, we'll call him John. John is very attractive and fun and sexy and heterosexual. But you still find John attractive, however when he looks at you you never see Flirt or Fuck is his eyes and you definitely don't see Fight----what you see is Fealty/Friendship. Which is okay but not what you might want. His Fealty/Friendship comes off to you as Blank or the SEVENTH F----False.
7. False: when we make eye contact but guard, hide, obfuscate our true emotions and intentions.
All humans have a way of doing False but when confronted with manhood issues around Flight and Flee we come back with False. And also when confronted with Friendship or Fealty we come back with False. Why is this? How many of you have had a secret crush on the John in your life but had to keep Fuck out of your eye contact to him? Or had to double back and clean up Flirt so as not to lose a friend or a co-worker?
What the teacher showed us was how an sexuality that is unsupported in society growing up teaches you how to maintain False and only have Fight, Fuck and Flee. He took us through an excellent exercise in Flirt----not Fuck, no sexual intent. Simply admiration and compliment and appreciation that might or might not lead to Fuck. It sounds easy and rudimentary I know but I always try to attach the seemingly easy to the often quoted. Have you as an MSM noticed how so many men simply want sex? They say they want something else, a relationship, love, etc. but all they seem to know how to do is have sex?
I remember an incident with a friend who was positive that one of my students was passionately attracted to him. I tried to gently explain that though the man in question had some feminine aspects, he was heterosexual. But my friend persisted....and got humiliatingly shot down. In thinking about it, I realized that the straight guy was often sending out Flirt to everyone because he was a flirtatious heterosexual man. But to my homosexual friend his Flirt was being received as Fuck. To me though, I received my students Flirt as a heterosexual man Flirting with me and never considered it sexually.
Which is another grand confusion---humans Flirt. Humans who don't want to have sex with you will Flirt with you. Men Flirt with Men but it has no sexual intent to it. Homosexual men have their antenna up for Flirt from men to mean Fuck.
Back to the friend who was interested in my student. What he didn't see was Friend in the young man's eyes. Because Friend involves trust, safety, vulnerability. What the young man was conveying along with Flirt (which is why I suspect he's so successful with women) is "I care about you", "I am a caring person". But if you have learned to project False, you've also learned how NOT to see beyond a Fight about to happen, a neutral Friendship that you've already established no sexual interest, or a reason to emotionally or physically Flee.
So then how do MSM make friends? Now that's a whole other column because it goes into establishing why you don't find another man attractive, which is a level of honesty, that you might disappear or distance from a Friend because it becomes painful to keep giving off False.
Yeah, we generally have to schedule another workshop for how to discern men after that.........
Thank you for reading,
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