Ten Ways to Use The Secret, Especially for Men and Sex by Kyle Phoenix









It was snowing, it was icy out, it was not a pretty weather day but we had a rollicking fun workshop and I promised I would write about it.  About 20-25 MSM of color got together to discuss The Secret, the Law of Attraction video/book and the application of it to life in general and men specifically.  Historically since it came out in 2006, I've been using it in workshops and classes because I find it gives a nice focusing exercise/addendum to educational work.  Especially when the work is more esoteric or less heavily formal classroom/homework, when it's more of a looser workshop.  It got loose last night!

The first question from the assembled men of color was how had I applied The Secret personally as I'd also spoken about it on my TV show.  I related, that one example, was  around June 2006, I'd been duped by a cousin into subletting an apartment from her---she never moved.  The entire family was trying to get her to change her life, get off of Welfare, move out of the city, and I was to pay her rent plus some above her rent to give her some moving/life money, as I could afford it.  She decided at the last minute to not move (after I'd moved in) thereby causing all kinds of drama and conflama and eventually I found another apartment and moved 3 months later.  But in that time, those 3 months there I was mad.  Like scary mad because I had given up a dog I liked to move into this no pets building, I'd gone against my inner guidance and given in to my family's prodding to help her out.  Ms. Crispy-Haired-I-Dress-Like-A-Hooker wasn't and still isn't the kindest person in my family.   In many ways I did it for her older sister, Pam, a cousin who has since died of cancer that I genuinely liked and loved.

While sitting there plotting my escape, I noticed that she was routinely going through my stuff while I was out to work.  There was nothing of grand value to be found, so I realized it was silly but I felt angry and further violated, so I wrote a letter.  I wrote a letter to myself from GMHC (on letterhead, signed by the Executive Director, dated) offering me a job (I wasn't too thrilled with my current job) at the salary of $80,000 a year.  I figured, let her find this as I move out and choke on my moving on up.  By October 1st, I was out and by February of the following year, GMHC, which had heard of my work and dancing around the wooing table offered me a job and yes, with all the bells and whistles and an extra consulting fee---they offered, what came to $80,000 a year.

Thought.  Feeling. Action.


But could it bring me also love, sex, big time happiness?

I then focused on a change from GMHC from the 18 months of the grant.  I'd known for about 4 years at that point that I wanted to go to Columbia University, to law school, I'd printed out the applications, wandered by the school and finally one day took time off of work and went to an orientation.  I thought to myself ok, I can do this but how will I survive, how will I work and afford school---what could I do?  I surmised that technically for the past handful of years I'd been teaching---so I could teach.  I wrote about this, focused on it and one day while standing in from of a classroom, I looked out of the window and realized I was standing in a 200 year old building on the Columbia campus teaching a class.  It literally hadn't dawned on me for a month that I'd gotten to this point.  My next focus was to get paid for it and three months later they were paying me.

Those are my two work examples but the workshop wanted the nitty gritty---they wanted man examples.

Could you use it to attract in a man?


One, I started by forgiving all of the men previously---mostly a handful---but I forgave them.  I use forgiveness in a different context.  I thanked them mentally for giving me all the stuff, good and bad they'd given me.  Without those experiences I wouldn't have taken some of the journeys I have, created some of the art I have.  I thanked the angels cleverly disguised as jerks who'd I'd invited into my life (gotta take responsibility in there too!)

I have a prayer I often repeat in meditation---"I forgive you and I release you to the Holy Spirit"----though I'm not Christian.

Two, I start writing fun stories or clever musings about meeting men in different ways....and I started having "meet cutes" I call them with men.  By designing in my mind and with my hand, my energy, that I was attractive, funny, willing to someone I was able to give that off.


Third, I studiously avoid men who have negative tales about men, woe begotten stories, treat men badly.  Oh, sure I listen, but mainly in a professional capacity, and I don't hang out with them nor let them into my house.  People who do get to visit my home often comment about how serene it is---full of plants and books, low music, candle lights, cinnamon, honey, pumpkin, and chocolate scents, soothing colors, very comfy pillows.  A space of comfort and peace and tranquility, a space that opens up and welcomes me and guests in, when entered.

If you haven't been to my home and have known me for years---hint, hint.  There's generally one of those small waterfalls somewhere nearby and I often leave music, very low playing in the background when I'm there and even when I'm not.   Or I put Toni Morrison on audio---I love her voice----reading from one of her books---it's a delight to suddenly have her words bubble to awareness in the middle of a passage, a line to my ears.  Poetry floating through the very fabric of my space.


Fourth, the images I have on my walls are loving.  By that I mean not graphically sexual (symbolically putting up perfection and graphic sex draws in that highly yang and yin, or balanced yang and yin energy, energy or that comparison to self.  I had a client whose house looked like a porno website ad...and he couldn't find a partner.  I suggested he take down the overly sexualized images and instead put up loving, love in action, people in joyous passion.  By comparison I mean if you're not a hulking GymBot with abs of steel it's energetically contradictory present energy to have so much of that around you.  Plus anyone who comes in has something to compare to you...which might not be your best competition.) instead pictures of couples, all genders, engaged in intimacy, in love, in adore.

I don't objectify men or women into simply sexual objects and my images are of masculine and feminine presence and power, strength and joy.  I also keep fun laughing pictures of friends and children around me.  I've started this slightly odd project of scanning into an old laptop magazine covers that I like and I'm going to set them up like picture frames on bookcases to randomly change, showing these images from laptops.  My ultimate goal is to get several giant screen TVs, hang them on walls and connect them to my laptops that have random art pictures in them and maybe put it on a timer so that every 10 or 15 minutes the scenes change like a screensaver but as sort of art installations of love and serenity constantly at home.


Fifth, I bought a Feng Shui book a few years ago and literally spent a month re-doing the whole house and finding and fixing every bagua (energy corner/space---every area  of one's life corresponds to a nodal direction---there's a Love space, Health, Creativity, Play/Children, Family, Money, Work, etc.).  The funny part about redesigning by bagua is on one level it drives you crazy because suddenly every space, every object must be considered and yet on a deeper level, it brings a symmetry to your space, it demands a consciousness about your personal self.

To that end, consciousness about one's self, I journal constantly about my business, my personal thoughts, my concerns, my fears, I have literally dozens of notebooks just pouring out some of these thoughts.  I think getting them out, some fearful but most self examining and some around gratitude, makes space in my being, my mind for new things to come in.  I literally hand write so much to myself, I'm start to have trouble recognizing what I've written!


Sixth, I started accepting fun, sexual offers, good dates, loving proposals when it came from a good place in others.  Lots of times I notice MSM try to be "good" by being repressive or denying sex in their sexualities---they try to mitigate or abolish their sexual selves.  I have realized I can enjoy it, I can be sexual, I can have a lot of fun without being stigmatized, bad or unsafe.  So I do.  I write like the Carrie on Sex and The City...but honestly, I'm the Samantha from the show.

I deliciously enjoy sex, my sexuality, erotica, flirting, men, women, their smells, the sight of them, their lewdness, their bodies, their ashé, their energy especially when they don't know they're giving it off!  And yes, I've been to strip clubs and I enjoy sometimes the sight of someone not desperate for the money but reveling in their body, their sexuality---it's similar to when I see Alvin Ailey---the enjoyment of the physical form, of the housing for the Spirit---it is the antenna both receiving and aiming and releasing ashé.

I do genuinely believe most MSM I've met would be happier if they fucked or were fucked more often and properly.  Over the years, it's not even a backlash from diseases, it's this attempt at the puritanical, at maybe mommy and daddy and society will accept me if I'm the "good homosexual" and I act like a chaste heterosexual? Again, most folk, but especially the thousands of MSM I've met and worked with---I believe that for about 75% they desperately need to be fucked more often, better, more honestly and more openly...but luckily, the other 25%?

I date them.



And boy........I have had some sexual fun with some men that I've dated who I taught three or four things to and they taught me one or two...or three! lol  Whoooooooooooooo, baby!  Manly men, effeminate men, tall men, short men, hairy men, Black, White, Puerto Rican, everybody just a freakin'!  Yes, Lord!


Seventh, I ask out men.  MSM bemoan: "I can't find nobody to date"...."No one wants to date"...and I calmly ask them how many men have you asked out on dates in the past month?
Silence.
Here's a secret to applying  The Secret to meeting men: ask men out.
I set aside a little in my budget and I ask men out, handfuls at a time and I date them ( I meet them online, offline, at school, at political functions, at volunteer activities, casually strolling through the city, referrals from friends, nightclubs, etc, etc, etc.) .  I meet them at the planned date activity or the restaurant, I pay (or they pay---that's something I don't let become a huge issues.  Whomever asks pays.  Why sit around debating the etiquette and rights and your deep-seated desire to "not betaken advantage of"?  You know what I'm doing while you're rolling around in all that mental muck?  Dating attractive men who reasonably like me a little, a little bit more and sometimes a lot!) and I enjoy their company.  Sometimes I pretend we're on a talk show and it's my job to get them talking about things that excite them in life, that they like.  It always works.  I found that if you date enough you stop being nervous and stop projecting onto one man that he's The One.


Eight, I date more than one man at a time.  Because MSM are used to secretive coded lives I had to explain when I say "date" I mean date---it's not a euphemism for sex.  If I mean sex or fuck, I'll use those words, like a grown man.  I don't use "chill" or "hang out" or "maybe" or "see what's up"---uh uh---I'm clear in and to the Universe with what I mean, who I mean it with and what I mean to do or not do.

I'm upfront with men that I'm dating (not sexually involved with) several men and if you think you're the focus of the entirety of my attention Day One, uh uh.  That's not reality, that's obsession and generally why MSM dating runs it's course so fast.  Within this, men, real men, (not scared MSM who are worried that Mommy might see their face on Adam4Adam---though why your momma is on Adam4Adam befuddles all)---can handle competition.  If he is and I are so inclined, a smart man will step up to the plate (or I will) to take dating to the next level to courtship.


Nine, involves again energy, ashé, but this time from women, positively and negatively.  Positively women are a great repository for MSM in how to view men, how to treat one's self in relationship to men and how to love one's self in a feminine based way.

I gleefully feminine energy bathe myself with all kinds of scents and lotions and candles and comforters and silks and pashminas and sweets and salty foods and expensive treats and little useless baubles and hilarious statues (I have a SaMooRai statue!) and I take an extra twenty minutes and wander around the supermarket and Walmart and I went into Neiman Marcus and Saks the other day just to let them pamper me, be nice to me, be slightly flirtatious with me.  I sometimes wear loose, natural fibers and dance around the house and sometimes have to move a whole music system into the kitchen so that I can finish the ITunes Playlist while cooking dinner...and after a 3 year personal hiatus, I'm back to cooking and experimenting on my stove...all of these emotional, soft, fun things are feminine, are the feminine within me, are the expression of my soul had X and Y been different, are the echoes of genders from past lives.  And none of it threatens me nor my manhood, in fact it enhances it.

 and just relax, without hard masculine energy outcome being my goal.
I pamper myself.
I mentally see my energy within, my ashé, as energy and love that I hold within and share with others, that I expand.
To that end, if I don't' nourish that energy, support and feed it, I have no love to expansively give.

To that negative end about femininity---I ignore all MSM discussions about feminine/masculine blah blah blah.  If a man brings that up---"only seeking masculine men, not into feminine men, I'm very straight acting"---I generally avoid him, I generally don't see him again and if possible I try to minimize him in my life, if he's a friend.  To teeter to extremes in personality related to traits isn't spiritually healthy---again edit, edit, edit.  It also suggests, I've learned in my experience counseling and teaching workshops he has a inner imbalance.  Men who are comfortable with themselves don't announce it.  If he announces it, he's not comfortable.  And if you're not comfortable you'll start doing shit to compensate, overcompensate, convince yourself, convince others and honestly that's called neurosis in a clinical framework...and hot mess on a date.

Ten, lastly, I have a life outside of my sexuality, outside of men and women, outside of sex.


  • I'm fascinated by Howard Gardner's work on education---I just finished his book Creating Minds on great minds of the 20th century and how they were influenced by their passing through Vienna.  (One of my mentors, Carflene Hatcher Polite studied with Martha Graham so I was fascinated by the section on her work, creative process and thinking.)  I'm re-reading Frantz Fanon's Wretched of the Earth and Black Face, White  Masks for a project/book I'm working on.  
  • I've been trying to do more and more of my Qi Gong and Ashtanga Yoga DVDs.  
  • In my visits to my parents recently, I told them the emotional truth---both my mother and father when they said some out of whack shit---I cleaned it up, said uh uh to it and when they wouldn't stop a certain train of thought....stopped participating, got up and went home.  I used to be "in" stuff that held nothing for me.  No more.  
  • I've discovered using kale and mixed mustard and collard greens for salads---not exactly The Secret but still something new and interesting.  
  • I bought a course and cds on studying music and even a musical notation book as a I learn to write music.



The Secret is good, it's very good in fact.  There's a lot to it---I feel the Flow, I am often in it---I often check with myself in the morning, with my eyes closed---I generally meditate for 30 minutes or so before getting up---asking:
"Am I in Flow?"
"Am I where I'm suppose to be?"

I check on my life on it's Flow when I am clearest, when I am most mixed with consciousness, unconsciousness, dreams and Spirit---am I in Flow?   Because I want to know if I am in it, to move my life in harmony.

I've walked away from jobs, money, two men, handfuls of friends, groups, organizations, even political affiliations when it was no longer part of the Flow---the river of energy moving me towards my highest self.  What I can tell you of Flow is that it feels like no matter how angry or frustrated I am or want to be, it dissipates, because I am where I am suppose to be.

I tear up often with spiritual abundance and feeling/joy and gratitude at my life in the moment.  I realized that I am a source of energy, that the Presence of energy or God permeates everything because it is everything so that the Law of Attraction is really me, ashé, or even your energy, reaching out with intention and clear thoughts and consistent action to manifestation.  It comes back, it always has---I know it sounds out there but what have you got to lose?  Sitting on your couch watching porno ain't brought the things you want, right?  Review the 10 Steps---alter them for your life---but do them!  And draw in what you want.

A final point, I recently re-read something by Robert Greene to the effect that we've been sold a bill of mythological goods about possibilities in our own lives.  The myth is that there's a limit, that there's only so much, that a person can be too much (I shoot people down when they suggest that about me---Maya Angelou taught me that in one of her essays)---that you only get one soul mate, that you can only have so much possibility in your life, that you can reflect back and see missed opportunities and you can't manifest them again.
That's bullshit.
I even put up index cards to remind me that there's a million soul mates, there's a thousands times a million possibilities, there's a billion more opportunities coming---that this is limitless, this experience is limitless. So if you think you've missed out, you have, because you create your reality.  If you think there is none coming to you, you're right.

But know this---as you sit in the corner weeping about it....I'm chatting up someone who could've been your man and I will fuck, love, romance, befriend, date and enjoy him.  Thanks for dropping out of the race.

And when I said that to the workshop, they were like "Damn, you got to type that up!"

Thank you for reading and if you liked this check out the other blogs or one my books on Amazon.com
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@gmail.com
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