Relationships



What Are You: A Sexuality Glossary


Please keep in mind that this list is rudimentary, and that what comes with language is its ability to adapt, mutate and change.  Terms are presented to you for the purpose of communication, and this list should hardly be considered an authoritative source.

ALLY: A person who confronts heterosexism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, heterosexual privilege, and so on, in themselves and others out of self-interest and a concern for the well-being of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and other queer-related people, and who believes that heterosexism is a social injustice.

ANDROGYNE: A person with traits ascribed to males and females. Androgyny may be physical, presentational, or some combination.

ASEXUALITY: A sexual orientation generally characterized by not feeling sexual attraction or a desire for partnered sexuality. Asexuality is distinct from celibacy, which is the deliberate abstention from sexual activity. Some asexuals do have sex. There are many diverse ways of being asexual.

BIGENDERED: Having two genders; exhibiting cultural characteristics of male and female roles.

BIPHOBIA: Fear or hatred of people who are bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual, or nonmonosexual. Biphobia is closely linked with transphobia and homophobia.

BISEXUAL: A person whose primary sexual and affectional orientation is toward people of the same and other genders, or towards people regardless of their gender.

CISGENDER: A gender identity that society considers to “match” the biological sex assigned at birth. The prefix cis- means “on this side of” or “not across from.” A term used to call attention to the privilege of people who are not transgendered.

COMING OUT: Describes voluntarily making public one’s sexual behaviors, or sexual or gender identity. Related terms include: “being out,” which means not concealing one’s sexual behaviors or preference or gender identity, and “outing,” a term used for making public the sexual behaviors or preference or gender identity of another who would prefer to keep this information secret.

CROSSDRESSER (CD): The most neutral word to describe a person who dresses, at least partially or part of the time, and for any number of reasons, in clothing associated with another gender within a particular society. Carries no implications of “usual” gender appearance, or sexual orientation. Has replaced “transvestite,” which is outdated, problematic, and generally offensive, since it was historically used to diagnose medical/mental health disorders.

DRAG KING: A woman who appears as a man on a temporary basis; she may or may not have any masculine expression in her usual life. Generally in reference to an act or performance. 

DRAG QUEEN: A man who appears as a woman on a temporary basis; he may or may not have any feminine expression in his usual life. Generally in reference to an act or performance. 

FTM (F2M): Female-to-male transsexual or transgender person. Someone assigned female at birth who identifies on the male spectrum.

GAY: A person (or adjective to describe a person) whose primary sexual and affectional orientation is toward people of the same gender; a commonly-used word for male homosexuals.
GENDER: A social construct used to classify a person as a man, woman, or some other identity. Fundamentally different from the sex one is assigned at birth.
GENDER EXPRESSION/PRESENTATION: How one expresses oneself, in terms of dress and/or behaviors that society characterizes as “masculine” or “feminine.” May also be androgynous or something else altogether.  Some people differentiate between the two terms.
GENDERFLUID: Being fluid in motion between two or more genders; shifting naturally in gender identity and/or gender expression/presentation. May be a gender identity itself. Refers to the fluidity of identity.
GENDERFUCK: A form of gender identity or expression, genderfuck is an intentional attempt to present a confusing gender identity that contributes to dismantling the perception of a gender binary.
GENDER IDENTITY: A person’s internal sense or self-conceptualization of their own gender. Used to call attention to the self-identification inherent in gender. Cisgender, transgender, man, woman, gender queer, etc. are all gender identities.
GENDERISM: The belief that there are, and should be, only two genders and that one’s gender or most aspects of it are inevitably tied to the assigned sex.

GENDER NON-CONFORMING (GNC): A person who does not subscribe to gender expressions or roles expected of them by society.

GENDER OUTLAW: A person who refuses to be defined by conventional definitions of men and women. A term popularized by Kate Bornstein in her book of the same name.

GENDERQUEER: A person whose gender identity and/or gender expression falls outside of the dominant societal norm for their assigned sex, is beyond genders, or is some combination thereof.

GENDER VARIANT: A person whose gender identity and/or gender expression varies from the culturally-expected characteristics of their assigned sex. 

HETEROSEXISM: The assumption that all people are or should be heterosexual. Heterosexism excludes the needs, concerns, and life experiences of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and other non-monosexual people as well as asexual, transgender, and intersex people, while it gives advantages to heterosexual people.  It is often a subtle form of oppression which reinforces realities of silence and invisibility.

HETEROSEXUALITY: A sexual orientation in which a person feels physically and emotionally attracted to people of the “opposite” gender. 

HOMOPHOBIA:  The irrational hatred and fear of homosexuals or homosexuality.  In a broader sense, any disapproval of homosexuality at all, regardless of motive.  Homophobia includes prejudice, discrimination, harassment, and acts of violence brought on by fear and hatred.  It occurs on personal, institutional, and societal levels, and is closely linked with transphobia, biphobia, and others.

HOMOSEXUALITY: A sexual orientation in which a person feels physically and emotionally attracted to people of the same gender. This term originated within the psychiatric community to label people with a mental illness, and still appears within the current discourse, but is generally thought to be outdated.

INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA: The fear and self-hate of one’s own homosexuality or non-monosexuality that occurs for many individuals who have learned negative ideas about homosexuality throughout childhood.  One form of internalized oppression is the acceptance of the myths and stereotypes applied to the oppressed group. 

INTERSEX: People who naturally (that is, without any medical interventions) develop primary and/or secondary sex characteristics that do not fit neatly into society’s definitions of male or female. Many visibly intersex babies/children are surgically altered by doctors to make their sex characteristics conform to societal binary norm expectations. Intersex people are relatively common, although society’s denial of their existence has allowed very little room for intersex issues to be discussed publicly. Has replaced “hermaphrodite,” which is inaccurate, outdated, problematic, and generally offensive, since it means “having both sexes” and this is not necessarily true, as there are at least 16 different ways to be intersex.

LESBIAN: A woman whose primary sexual and affectional orientation is toward people of the same gender.

LGBT:  Abbreviation for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender.  An umbrella term that is used to refer to the community as a whole.

MTF (M2F): Male-to-female transsexual or transgender person. Someone assigned male at birth who identifies on the female spectrum.

NON-MONOSEXUAL: People who have romantic, sexual, or affectional desire for more than one gender. Bisexuality is the most well-known form of non-monosexuality.

OMNIGENDERED: Possessing all genders; exhibiting cultural characteristics of male and female. The term is specifically used to refute the concept of only two genders. 

PANSEXUAL, OMNISEXUAL: Terms used to describe people who have romantic, sexual, or affectional desire for people of all genders and sexes.  Used by many in place of “bisexual,” which implies that only two sexes or genders exist.

POLYGENDERED, PANGENDERED: Exhibiting characteristics of multiple genders; deliberately refuting the concept of only two genders.
QUEER: Anyone who chooses to identify as such. This can include, but is not limited to, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgendered people, intersex people, asexual people, allies, leather fetishists, freaks, etc. Not all the people in the above subcategories I.D. as queer, and many people NOT in the above groups DO.   This term has different meanings to different people.  Some still find it offensive, while others reclaim it to encompass the broader sense of history of the gay rights movement. Can also be used as an umbrella term like LGBT, as in “the queer community.”
SAME GENDER LOVING: A term used by some African-American people who love, date, and/or have attraction to people of the same gender.  Often used by those who prefer to distance themselves from the terms they see as associated with the “White-dominated” queer communities.
SEX: A categorization based on the appearance of genitalia at birth. Refers to the biological characteristics chosen to assign humans as male, female, or intersex.
SEXUALITY:  The components of a person that include their biological sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, sexual practices, etc.
SEXUAL ORIENTATION:  an enduring emotional, romantic, sexual, and/or affectional attraction.  Terms include homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, pansexual, non-monosexual, queer, and asexual, and may apply to varying degrees. Sexual orientation is fluid, and people use a variety of labels to describe their own.  Sometimes sexual preference is used but can be problematic as it implies choice.
STRAIGHT: A person (or adjective to describe a person) whose primary sexual and affectional orientation is toward people of the “opposite” gender.
TRANSFAG: A trans male-identified person who is attracted to/loves other male-identified people.

TRANSGENDER: Used most often as an umbrella term, and frequently abbreviated to “trans” or “trans*” (the asterisk indicates the option to fill in the appropriate label, ie. Transman). It describes a wide range of identities and experiences of people whose gender identity and/or expression differs from conventional expectations based on their assigned biological birth sex. Some commonly held definitions:
  1. Someone whose behavior or expression does not “match” their assigned sex according to society.
  2. A gender outside of the man/woman binary.
  3. Having no gender or multiple genders.
  4. Some definitions also include people who perform gender or play with it.
  5. Historically, the term was coined to designate a transperson who was not undergoing medical transition (surgery or hormones).

TRANSITION: An individualized process by which transsexual and transgender people ‘switch’ from one gender presentation to another. There are three general aspects to transitioning: social (i.e. name, pronouns, interactions, etc.), medical (i.e. hormones, surgery, etc.), and legal (i.e. gender marker and name change, etc.). A trans* individual may transition in any combination, or none, of these aspects.

TRANSSEXUAL (TS):  A person who perceives themselves as a member of a gender that does not “match” the sex they were assigned at birth. Many pursue hormones and/or surgery. Sometimes used to specifically refer to trans* people pursuing gender or sex reassignment.

TRANS MAN: Also referred to as FTM.

TRANSPHOBIA: A reaction of fear, loathing, and discriminatory treatment of people whose identity or gender presentation (or perceived gender or gender identity) does not “match,” in the societally accepted way, the sex they were assigned at birth. Transgendered people, intersex people, lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, and other non-monosexuals are typically the target of transphobia.

TRANS WOMAN: Also referred to as MTF.

TRYKE: A trans female-identified person who is attracted to/loves other female-identified people.

TWO SPIRIT: These terms describe indigenous people who fulfill one of many mixed gender roles found traditionally among many Native Americans and Canadian First Nations indigenous groups. These roles included wearing the clothing and performing the work that is traditional for both men and women. Dual-gendered, or “two-spirited,” people are viewed differently in different Native communities.  Sometimes they are seen without stigma and are considered emissaries from the creator, treated with deference and respect, or even considered sacred, but other times this is not the case. “Two-spirit” is the closest thing to an appropriate umbrella term in referring to these gender traditions among Native peoples.  However, even “two-spirit” is contested in modern usage.

WOMYN: Some people spell the word with a “y” as a form of empowerment to move away from the word “men” contained in the “traditional” spelling of women.


Borrowed from Patrick Califia, Emi Koyama and countless others.


Love, Crazy In Love and Graveyard Love by Kyle Phoenix

As Valentine's Day approaches I've been getting emails about love.  General questions, thoughts for dates, suggestions for television shows.  I generally do a "Love Workshop" at places to have fun around February and we talk about the kinds of "love".  It's difficult to be intimate, to be open to love especially when you're learning to manage an LGBT sexuality in a world that is still adjusting to it's acceptance of it.  I often start with the questions: what is love to you?  What kind of love do you want?

The answers include : someone who accepts me unconditionally, who loves me completely, who understands me, who likes me for me, who I don't have to change for, who knows what I'm thinking and feeling without having to tell him (or her), someone who likes the things I do, who wants to do things that I like doing.

I post the answers on a big white board and then we start doing work.  Real work.  All over the above answers are fantasy based.  It's not realistic nor will it work out that way.  You might find that you get some of those things with a partner in the first few months and then it changes because the first flush of passion and attraction changes.  The funny part is men generally have trouble with getting past the 3, 6, 12 month and 2 year phases of a relationship because of not understanding or having experience in a long term relationship.

Love (Mature Love)
He is not you.  He will never be you.  Same sex relationships tend to make the error in the expectation that because someone looks physically like you they ARE like you.  The greatest lesson we can learn from heterosexual relationships is the understanding that the other is fundamentally different.  We have to discuss, even in love, what we want or are and come to a negotiated compromise.  That doesn't sound very romantic does it?


Crazy In Love
That's where a; the drama with friends, phones, philandering and fights comes in.  Some people think that love should be dramatic and loud and hurtful and painful and identify that as passion.  If you think this you should look at who taught you how to love.  Most often it's our parents/guardians/caregivers.  We like to think we know better or learn different or even sexuality means that you're not looking for your father....or you mother...but you are.  What we try to do in maturity, is identify those things about our parents that are good and bad, the errors in love we learned.  how we act out those errors.  And find partners who have managed those areas that we're attracted to.  I often use the example of if your parents were rage-aholics or narcissists or had addiction issues, you're more likely to partner with someone who has those issues.  Why? because you unconsciously associate those ways, actions, drama to love.  That's a hard thing to handle and can feel like an impossible thing to overcome.  The way we overcome it is first identifying some of those negative attractions then we seek out partners who might be more demonstrative with their anger (which reminds us of our parents) but isn't destructive with it.  Yes, it's a fine line of management.  But it's worth it.  See, how you have to negotiate?  You might be conscious of dating addicts by not being in bar settings or only dealing with those who are in 12 Step programs.

Graveyard Love
I take this from Toni Morrison's Song of Solomon novel.  Love that has gone into stalking and violence and extreme pain is generally Crazy Love that's gone too far.  We have all had angry, enraged, even violent thoughts about partners because we have hormones and a society that commercializes violence but to act on it means that we can't control ourselves.  There's domestic violence in LGBT relationships of an emotional, physical and financial nature.  The taboos around gender, masculinity, manhood and sexuality makes it difficult for men to admit that their partner is abusive.  Also the intense desire for a relationship, that all human beings have, can make someone who feels deprived tolerant of a love that might lead to their or another's death.

How do we learn to love?  Those questions always come up.  We learn to love by BEING in love---dating, flirting, loving, being in a relationship.  You can't learn to play baseball without getting into the game.  You have to get into a relationship to learn how to love.  Think of Love like a school.  You can watch some movies, talk to friends, have sex and that's about the equivalent of Middle School of love.  Dating regularly---that's' High School Level.  But a marriage---that's College Level and with children----oh, that's Graduate School Love.  But we graduate levels by dating.


Men who opt out of dating, or who only try to date "The One" aren't learning the skills you need for The One.  Imagine if you were still at your first job or only used those skills?  My first job was at Charles' Fried  Chicken on Gun Hill Road in the Bronx as a delivery boy.  I was making $30 a week,plus tips.  My job was to read an address and take food to it, receive payment, count out change and keep my tips separate.  That job is soooooooooooooo far away from the computer, organizational, educational, professional, social, cultural, cognitive and management skills I use now.  There were maybe a dozen, if not more jobs from my teens to now in my thirties, that progressed and evolved me to this point.

That's what Love is.  Evolution of you as an intimate, vulnerable human being....but you got to get in it to win it.  Ask someone out----even if you don't think they'll be the love of your life.  Pay for dinner.  Give a man flowers.  Flirt.  Not every date is marriage.  But every date is skill building.

Enjoy!!!
Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast


When And How To Reveal Your Baggage, Part 1

You've met someone special and time is passing. He seems like a keeper.  And you realize that there's a list of a few things that maybe he should know about you.  Now we're going to pretend at this passage of time is from micro to medium to long term.

Micro Time
The first date.  Here's the best piece of advice you'll ever get about dating from someone who's been on lots of dates with some really sexy dudes who I would've done four legal and two illegal things for.  Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Men have told me about their financial issues, their sexual hang ups, their parental problems, how Out they aren't and how uncomfortable they are being outdoors with another man where every other human being has stopped their lives to watch us on a date, their bad emotional state, their hatred of gay men, the lack of Good Men, their hatred of themselves, their deepest fears, their darkest fears, their ugly truths, their bad luck in dating, the horrors of being single, the horrors of being in a relationship, the other men interested in them, their crappy childhoods, and most frighteningly, how much we must be alike.
Oh, God!!!!!!!!

Imagine this: Holocaust survivors probably aren't good on a date if the first thing they tell you about is the concentration camp they were in.  Yes, you might want to talk to a sympathetic ear, to someone who might have some simpatico.  But here's the rub.  The person across from you might not have that experience, especially your more dour experiences.  So..........  Shut.  The.  Fuck.  Up.

On a date you're trying to be flirty, witty, cute and listen to the other person.  You want to give some basics---the kind of work you do, your fun hobbies and a rapacious interest in the other person.  Everything else?  Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

On the third date, you might want to bring up some low level stress stuff.  That funny way your tire went flat last week.  That quirky date who showed up to dinner in chain mail and partial armor (no, this really happened to me several years ago.  Wildly enough he had to check the armor at the coat check of a club we went to.  We only dated for a few weeks.  Yes, I was young and yes, he had issues.)  You can chat about something in a book or movie that reminds you of your crazy cousin.  But you don't want to go too deeply into how seeing Precious brings up your daddy repeatedly raping you as a child.  On the third date.   Nor on the tenth date.  Maybe not even for three to six months.

Here's the deal on baggage.  Ship it media weight.  So that it arrives slowly and with time before and after to be digested before the next piece of luggage arrives. No one wants to meet the one who asks them to stand still while they back up a moving truck.  Pretend you're on TV and going to put your best interview foot forward and minimize some of your dark traumas, past dramas and internal criticisms until you've got some storage and buffer space with a man.  Love is not about someone knowing all your nitty gritty.  In fact I would argue that true love is about someone getting to know you beyond your trauma and drama.

Maybe that's your real challenge then, defining yourself beyond your sexualitytraumadrama and thoughts.  Who are you without those four things?


I'm warm and loving.  I'm a generous person who cares about the Earth and it's people, animals and natural elements.  I am someone who spiritually believes that I am 1% of Infinity and that part of my destiny is to parent and free my people.  I am always seeking to be free, stable and loved/loving.  I laugh at everything.  I cry at a whole lots of things every single day.  I value everyone's opinion but don't internalize everyone's opinion---I am selective with criticism based upon value.  I am 100% responsible and accountable for every thought, action and reaction I have in this lifetime and make a conscious effort to be in alignment with that even if it's not always acceptable, socially moral/ethical or perfect because I am here to learn how to be the best me.  I know that I am a co-creator of my destiny/universe/life and apply 100% accountability and responsibility to that awesome power.

See how many other things we can delve into and find that have nothing to do with all the stuff we've been through?

So, who are you?  And who do you tell people you are---your baggage, your drama, trauma, your problems, your pain, your upsets---what are you always relaying to people?  Maybe, just maybe, that's why you're not getting the Good Man you want, hmmm?


NEXT TIME, Part Two: Medium Time, Revealing Some Baggage
Enjoy!!!
Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast





Why He Didn't Call You Again or Why Good Men Vanish After 1 "Date", Part 5


I keep getting a whole passel of emails about "Good Men"---mainly from two categories.  Good Men and those who want one.  But looking at those who want one I found an interesting thread---those who've lost a Good Man....and why.

You had a great date.  Good food, good discussion, good flirtation and now poof----he's gone.  He's gone back to work, school, Facebook, online dating and you're sitting there wondering---what happened.  Here's what happened.

You Talked Too Much
I don't mean simply quantity of words I mean a level of verbal vomiting.  When I'm doing interviews or workshops on this topic,I generally review the date a bit more and ask some questions that unveil what really happened.  Did you tell him about your ex?  Did you tell him, in the course of trying to be flirtatious, about your sexual history (in the sense of "I've picked up a lot of corner boys, I mainly hook up from bars, I'm a big ol' tramp")?


I know, I know.  Double standard.  The beautiful thing is it seems to extend across all sexualities and genders---amazingly enough no one demands this in marriage equality, huh?---a man, particularly a grown one or a Good Man doesn't want someone---man, woman, or chicken dinner that has been ground like the proverbial driveway.  Honestly and logically, he knows you're not a virgin.  You can't play that tune.  But you don't want to be the Whore of Babylon either.  Your sexual history should include one or two positive points that I guarantee you will get you to a second date: you're HIV status and testing/safe sex regimen or your practice of not having sex until you've dated a man for a generous portion of time.  Anything else...Whore of Babylon.

Now here's the double standard to the double standard, if you sell yourself like the Whore of Babylon, you will get done like the Whore of Babylon.  Which means you might have sex that first date, he might even come back (make your own pun) for seconds but you've just moved from one category to the other in his head.  Every man has at least two categories for romantic partners in his head.  He's always waiting to see which one you'll leap into.  You get sexual, you've jumped into the Fuck Category.  The other category is reserved for the ones he cares about and thinks about while fucking you.  Harsh but true.  Go ahead.  Ask a man.  Whether he's straight or gay or bi.  At least 2 categories.

You Had Sex
MSM believe partially because of hormones and partially from lack of social pressure that sex on the first date is appropriate because of a lack of courtship rituals, experience or expectations.  Hormones drive us to want to be intimate/sexual, that's natural.  But what really solidifies and fosters relationships are our societal rules.  MSM often argue that a sexuality outside of heterosexuality should not be marshaled within heterosexual boundaries and this would be perfectly logical except for one small, damning point.  Men, no matter their sexuality, were raised in a heterosexist society.  This means we carry, understand and subconsciously expect and unconsciously agree with all of the heterosexual rules and mores because we're bombarded with them.  This bombardment leads to extreme social and political wars for equality.  Hence, marriage equality.  Because honestly there are half a dozen ways to be someone's beneficiary, set up codicils, wills, trusts, living trusts---ironclad between two human beings that trump anything a peasily marriage codicil can create.  Yet MSM and WSW's want that specific recognition and right.  Why?  Human beings are gatherers and conformists by genetic nature.

When you bring our nature to conform and gather together in similar ways---which is why we have towns, villages, cities and countries the world over no matter skin color, language or culture---we as individuals have innate desires to be like others, to conform like others, to love and be loved like others.  However a sexuality that has no social underpinnings is cast out like a bad Life of Pi preview to fend for itself.  But all of the castaways in this lifeboat got on board with the imbued sense, mores, values, expectations and prejudices of heterosexuals.  Unless you've done some real interesting and deep work on yourself and meet someone like that, most people, especially men have genetic views that they can't change on sexual exclusivity.  Sexual exclusivity is why heterosexuals have "traditional" views on sexuality.

Having sex on the first date shows a Good Man several things about you.  You can be talked into anything after a drink or two, a movie and dinner.  And if that's true for him, it's probably true for at least one other man a week since you were 18.  Two, part of sexuality for men, even Good Men, is about conquest.  Planting their flag, as it were.  Getting to the Moon.  Making you feel like you've arrived on the Moon.  So say he gets there.  Say even the responses are delightful and there's some Moon-like arrival on one or both parts.  Mission accomplished.  Think about it.  There's a genetic, masculine based reason why we stopped going to the Moon after awhile.  Three, people, men or women, who are sexual are taking a uniquely masculine position in our society.  They're saying, "I'm willing to fuck/be fucked like a man."  And when you say that---a man, even a Good One thinks---"Well, then handle my not returning (or returning if and when I feel like it), man."


Men understand contracts.  Courtship is a contract.  It implicitly states: If you court me, our feelings for each other will increase and when I like you more I'll allow you to conquer me because ostensibly no one has been here before.  I, in return will be not only sexually available to you but emotionally available to you and directly intimate with you....you sexy bastard....because I know by then that you're sexually and emotionally safe. 

Conversely the way a pursuing/Top/Alpha/Good Man might play in this game is the sharing of his resources.  When man like you, any man, especially Good Men they want to share their resources with you. Those resources might be the $1 special at McDonald's or the balcony table at the Four Seasons but he's going to want to see you safe, fed, protected, happy because that's how men derive satisfaction and then they know that they've earned sexual contact and loving.

You Don't Know Men
This is what honestly amazes me.  In all the workshops I've done in over a decade with thousands of men now, one thing has struck me about MSM.  How little they know about men.  I'm often shocked that MSM have all kinds of porn and Star Trek and Scandal dvds and racial and cultural history books and comic books and action figures all throughout their lives but something so central, their sexuality---they don't have anything instructive about.  (No, porn doesn't count.  You know how Will Smith played a pilot in Independence Day?  Pssst, he's not a pilot.  Nor has he ever encountered real aliens.  Porn actors are just the same.  If you're using porn in any way as a marker of MSM, other than strictly from a sexual positioning observation---it's like you walked up to Will Smith and asked him if the aliens are coming back and can you help him fly the spaces ship to destroy their mothership.  With all of us looking at you.  Imagine his facial reaction.  That's what your dating moves look like when you've gotten them from porn.)

In a heterosexist society other men and women teach each other what works and what doesn't work for a wide variety of body and personality types.  Now in the 21st century, the same is for other than heterosexual sexualities.  There are now dating, adoption, relationship, legal and extreme sexuality books for people who aren't heterosexual.  There are websites and blogs (hint, hint) and TV shows (like The Kyle Phoenix Show---shameless plug!) chock full of interesting tidbits and tried and true methodology.  If you're an MSM and you've had the stench of another man on your mouth or lower, and are still befuddled by men you're the illiterate standing in front of the library mumbling that he has nothing to do in his free time.  Now, here's the price of knowledge, which is why so many aggressively choose ignorance.  Knowledge, even if not applied, will not be forgotten.  Once you have a systematic way of dating (meal, movie, discussion, safe questions, safe revelations, go home alone, maybe a good night kiss, no sex) you'll have "no one", not even yourself to blame  for the state of your dating life.  Imagine that.  Knowledge both lets you off the hook and refuses to coddle you at the same time.  Then you might have to deal with the real issue: why you're terrified, your lack of ability, your lack of preparation, your bullshit as to why Good Men meet, do, dump and/or avoid you.  Suddenly you're just a human being with his head up his ass who can't deny the smell.


You Sabotaged It...On Purpose
Most people know good manners and good behavior and good conversation to be likable.  By the time you've gotten to a date, you're at least 50% over the line---it's your game to lose.  He likes you.  Music is playing in the background of the fun restaurant.  There's been some flirtatious talk, eye contact or touching.  The movie was funny or scary or interesting.  The food was delicious and you shared a bit of each other's dishes.  He told you that thing that makes him adorable and you told him that thing that you didn't even know but he pronounced it was sexy and he admired you for.

Then you smiled and said, "I have no gag reflex.  All the guys have said so."
Then you smiled and said, "Just come upstairs for a second."
Then you smiled and said, "Let me change out of this real quick."
Then you smiled and said, "You're so special, I can't believe I'm doing this."
Then you smiled and said, "No, we have to stop doing this out here in the living my roommate will hear.  Let's take it to my bedroom."
Then you smiled and said, "I don't have to work until later this morning."
Then you smiled and said, "Want to stay over?"
Then you smiled and said, "I can't believe I have a new boyfriend!"
Then you smiled and said, "I think I love you."
Then you smiled and said, "I think you're the One!"
Then you smiled and said, "I've been so lonely."
Then you smiled and said, "I've been so horny."
Then you smiled and said, "I am so horny."
Then you smiled and said, "Don't think less of me."
Then you smiled and said, "When I pick up corner boys and have sex with them...."

Here's the ugly truth.  A man, like a child will eat a safe marshmallow if someone offers him one.  He might even gorge himself on them.  But once you hand it to him and he (or a child) is done eating it, they're gone.  Don't believe me, count how many one night stands call you up to solve your life problems, to loan you money, to go to church with you, to sit with your family, to pay for your vacation.  Now count how many dates call up to see if "you're busy", "if you're free", "if we can chill/hang out again".  Chill, hang out, get together, busy is code for put parts of my body into you.  Don't believe me?  Ask Mr. Chill/Hang Out to meet you at a restaurant and you'll discover either Mr. Excuse, Mr. Can't Make It or Mr. Aww, Come On.


When we value ourselves, we place a premium on our time and bodies.  When we say we want a Good Man you arrive with your invoice typed and ready for him and he gets to talk to you about it and negotiate terms.  Men like contracts, remember?  If you arrive no bill, no parcel post, ready to be stamped and delivered in the hallway----a man, even a Good One----will treat you like a piece of junk mail.

Now, here's the kicker---you might be Stand Bye.  Stand Byes are good for working out some energy while dating The Potential One.  Stand Byes, if they're lucky, get the happy end of the condom but will never have to worry about marriage equality or joint property or a life insurance check.  Stand Byes often get the gift that never stops giving when they take STD tests.  Stand Byes also get texts rather than hugs and kisses, Facebook pokes instead of gifts and flowers, and late night visitors rather than overnight lovers and morning breakfast canoodling.  A Good Man, like any man offered something for free will take it, use and keep it in his back pocket in case of an emergency while getting dressed to take the Potential One out.  Stand Byes also get to be left Standing over there and waved Bye to.

He didn't call you again because you did one of the above and you're just on Stand Bye.  The real question is whether you truly believe you're worth enough to maybe wait a month or two to have sex with someone, negotiate your value and worth, stop spilling your crazy beans and control your desires until you hear a deal that you think is good for you.  Because that's who Good Men are looking for, just like good businessmen...he's listening and watching for the difference between an easy and fast deal and a good and sustainable one.

Which are you?


Enjoy!!!
Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast




Relationships: Cra(z)y Cra(z)y Men, Part 1 by Kyle Phoenix



You've seen him around or maybe you've never seen him before and you "Meet Cute"---a Meet Cute is any chance, casual encounter that happens when you're not looking for it and one or both of you could be played by someone from a romantic comedy. One of my more memorable Meet Cutes was on 44th Street and 8th Avenue. I had decided to take in a Tuesday evening flick---Kinsey with Liam Neeson---and was strolling up the block to get a Pepsi to put in my bag (the theater only serves Coke.) As I was standing at the corner about to cross to the deli someone in my peripheral vision leans out from the line of us standing on the curb and winks at me. He did it a couple of times because at first I didn't notice but then I realized it was for me and smiled back in a big smile and he smiled and I smiled and he smiled and then I forgot to cross the street then I remembered and we crossed and we started chatting on the other side I got my Pepsi, we sat at one of the dessert places in Times Square to kill an hour before my movie and he then joined me for the movie.


That was the beginning of 36 hours of cray cray on a stick. I was distracted by how handsome he was---Black and Dominican mixing for all it was worth, his glob charm and quite frankly, I was high from the Meet Cute. A really goodMeet Cute to anyone can dislodge your good sense for a while and this was 2004. Within 36 hours he revealed that he was 4 days out of prison, HIV+, somewhere between confused and bisexual, a former Calvin Klein model (yes, he was THAT kind of handsome), a drug addict, hated dated one of Diana Ross' daughters, his mother was dead, his stepmother was evil, he'd done several pornos, his father was mad at him, in jail there's a private space covered by a tent of sheets that's known as the Boom Boom room to go and masturbate, he had but refused to take his HIV medication, he was an on and off again prostitute, he'd been a drug dealer.....oh, and he was a Scorpio.

He was my last official cray cray date.
He stole a broken laptop from me.
He left his HIV meds.
No, we didn't have sex.

What I learned from this when I realized he was nucking futs---about 3 hours after the Meet Cute---was how I was responsible for all the other cray crays I'd met and dated over the years. I'd let them in.

When you see crazy coming down the street, cross the street. Don't give him your number. Don't ask him how you can help. Don't act as a referral service to anything but the local police station for him. Don't feel bad about not being the world's social worker. (Even if you are a social worker, you can take some time off too.)

Character
A man is his character. Is he generous, caring, considerate, loving, thoughtful, courageous, responsible, keeper of his word. I've learned to not excuse any of the really good traits for silly superficial traits--masculinity (personality put on), funny (who isn't?), charming (practiced), dysfunctional (drug addicted/neurotic/passive aggressive/narcissistic, not taking care of their health).

If you are sharing your body before you have an understanding of a man's character, you have to take every lump whether that's emotional, physical or STD related. No one else is responsible for you not being able to control your desires though good character in another would have them extend their responsibility trait.

Reasons Why
Earth, Wind and Fire tore up that song! But when someone starts telling you the reasons why, it should make sense. if it doesn't make sense, it ain't true. I've learned that crazy people are amazingly good at telling you how they are constant, continuous and unwitting victims to reality. Racism, the police, their parents, drugs, women, men, the prison system, the color blue, oxygen and the dog sitting over there minding their own business. Life challenges us all. In fact it should be called Challenge and not something as simple as life. And yes, we all need loving and understanding and a second chance. But we also need the truth to be told to us as well as being able to tell it to ourselves. Powerful people can handle the truth, weak people crumble from criticism.


As a side note, I notice how MSM are the most damned by criticism; they get an immediate case of the can't takes. You tell an MSM that he didn't do something correctly or he was directly wrong and if there's room he'll dramatically fall out on the floor or throw himself at the window. Why? I trace it all the way back to MSM growing up with a hidden sexual preference/identity and the social pressures of manhood and masculinity around them that acts as a form of constant identity criticism. Therefore when criticized their super tender to criticism---it must be homophobia, it must be racism, it must be misandry!

Nah, sometimes it's you, you did something wrong. There are things for you to learn that you don't know or have learned incorrectly.

Heterosexuals learn how to separate (the healthy ones) criticism about their actions and criticisms about theiridentity. That's a big distinction to learn, to move through, to internally know and it leads to a healthier sense of self-esteem and ability to be intimate and bond in successful relationships. Are you seeing how the inability to handle criticism can aid in MSM not finding or creating satisfying relationships?



Self Esteem
I learned from my 2004 Meet Cute that I didn't have any feelings for him. There was a time when he would've been the Bees Knees Life Project for me to take on! For me to comfort and coddle and save! Oh, Lordy, I could've saved him! But by 2004 I'd been in several short and long term relationships, done some year long therapy tune up twice and was at a job that started out as a consulting favor but turned into a career changer.


Confidence and self esteem are not the same things.

Confidence is internal---it's that I feel adequate and capable and balanced enough to act.

Self esteem IS the action occurring and being put forthexternally.

For a long time I confused the two, I thought because I felt good about myself that I had good self esteem when in fact I would allow all kinds of foolishness around me. But by 2004 I'd thrown out friends, families, lovers, fools and even jobs who crossed my confidence. I'd finally actualized my self to self esteem in action. I distinct remember sitting and listening to Mr. Meet Cute in 2004 and hearing allllllllll of his cray cray and having no desire to fix it. The real truth of being involved with cray cray MSM is you, not him. You think you can change him, fix his nuttiness, deal with his problems (and your own---you're always putting yourself on the back burner to help the nutballs.) Sitting across form him, I understood that while, yes, I felt sympathetic to his problems, I couldn't fix them. Not simply I'd decided wouldn't but couldn't. Real power knows it's limits. He'd made some adult decisions in his life, he was in his thirties that had detemrined a lot of where he was and where he wasn't. I wouldn't and couldn't repair that.

Guilt
When I tell my 2004 tale in workshops to example how you have to be conscious of taking care of yourself and maintaining your character people often ask about my sympathy, about how I can be detached, how I can tell them to not pick up the phone, text the dude, answer the door, resist their compulsions. I point out simply, the object of your desire is not in a room somewhere (or on this blog) talking about you. Sit with that for a second. Really sit with that. Guilt ans shame are two different things. Guilt is you did something wrong, shame is you are wrong as a person. Setting boundaries doesn't feel bad. If it does it means that you have issues with guilt and shame. MSM who announce proudly their self-worth and that they're men of power who take care of themselves don't understand, power doesn't have to announce itself. It simply is. Like a flower or a mighty oak tree.

You simply stand.

I felt sympathy for all the stuff in the guys life in 2004 but you know what? I didn't make those choices that he had in his life. And he was actively not working on fixing those things. That's a big thing. He wasn't in recovery, he wasn't taking his meds, he wasn't working----he simply wasn't. When you check out your own guilt look at what is that man doing to rectify these problems. Desire is bluntly, bullshit. Actions speak louder than words when people talk about making change.



Never trust a big butt and a smile. POISON!
All people have trials and troubles, effort is how you tell cray cray from people with problems. People who are just looking for attention or relief won't put in the work. You can pay some attention to them, I do. I pay attention to the cray cray who tell you the laundry lists of what went wrong. But I listen as instruction on what not to do: whether that be drugs or unsafe sex or emotional drama untended to (yeah, those two therapists I went to for a year each---that's attending to all your drama in the right space.)

Responsibility and Accountability to your internal self confidence matching your external self esteem is how you avoid those how are destructive to themselves or you.

I was able to observe and hear and walk on by that guy in 2004 after 3 hours of observation because my internal (confidence)No and external (self esteem) No, are aligned.

Are yours?

Coming Soon: Part 2, Your Arrogance and Crazy Men

Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast onhttp://kylephoenixsite.com/


Relationships: What A Good Man Is Not....., Part 4 by Kyle Phoenix




Generally the way the production process works is I produce and host the televised, The Kyle Phoenix Show at the studio late in the week and then review all of the emails and such over the weekend to scan for ideas and reply to people. It's amazing and wonderful how many people (men and women) who've sent me emails on Facebook and to kylephoenixshow@aol.com relating to the concept of a Good Man.

I created it as a riff and as an emblem because it answered what a man was and was relatable But the question has come up of not only what is a Good Man but now asking what does a Good Man not want? Specifically there are some positions in your life that a Good Man does not want to occupy. I've been on dates and lead workshops and read your emails and I've narrowed it down to categories that are verboten

Your Girlfriend
A Good Man is not your besty. He's not your BFF. He's not interested in all the latest gossip, television shows, office drama, family politics and shopping dilemmas you might have. Now yes, of course, a Good Man is interested in you, perhaps even fascinated but every man or woman needs a best friend, a pack even that they can hang and chatter with. Often MSM try to turn a man into their new besty, he resists and that's seen as not caring or disloyalty when in fact, he's not interested in being your girlfriend. In fact you might want to make it a line that's held closer to you that he has to pursue crossing. That will tell you how much of your romantic relationship can include your normal way of relating to a friend. You're trying to develop a relationship, based in friendship but with a romantic direction/outcome.

Your Parent
He will like you, he might even love you but he's not interested in raising you. You must arrive with maturity intact or be working on it. Managing the vagaries of your life (cell phone, school, work, clothing, manners, etc.) are not a mate's responsibility. There might be some overlap or assistance but you don't want to be in the position where your immaturity gives a partner so much power that control and love are deeply mixed. You want instead to be maturing together, to be assisting each other, to be advancing each other whether that be socially, financially, emotionally but you don't want to be identified as the one who shouldn't be left alone at home because you're helpless. Now a Good Man might be helpful and protective to you but that's something you allow or let him do, you could do it if he dropped dead in ten minutes. MSM not having experience in how to verbally negotiate and therefore balance out control, power and responsibility in romantic relationships often allow or encourage their unmet childhood needs to become the predominant issue. Overspending, staying out/partying without regard or agreement to a partner, pushing all mature responsibility onto a partner because "he's a/the man", doesn't work.



Your (A) Woman
Just because you're a homosexual and might truly feel some deep feminine elements around your identity (and scientific research into estrogen in males, the effects upon the brain and sexuality supports those feelings) your "feminine heart" might not be what he was fully expecting or signing up for. Femininity and feminine men are fantastic, in fact most MSM who subscribe to perfect or the idea of hyper-masculinity, are alone perpetually. Good Men accept that your feminine, they find it amusing, delightful, sexy and something to allow them to care for and protect. But he didn't sign up to be with your mother, or your auntie or your girlfriend and their female to male drama. You won't have the same conflicts because of sex/gender, accept it. There are certain attitudes and thoughts men have that your mother's advice will conflict with---because she's not a man. MSM make the huge error or trying to be the woman they idolize in a relationship or effeminize a Good Man who's comfortable with not being emasculated.

Here's a secret, your female friends and relatives who are alone, don't know how to be with a man. Never trust someone who's dry spell involves the words "years" and is an entirely different sexuality than the relationship you're in.

Your Therapist
He likes you, he might even love you and everyone has issues. Here is the best advice you will ever receive that will make your relationship viable. Don't. Tell. Him. Everything. Biggest mistake ever. Let's do a fun list. We'll call it, the Issues List.

1. Bad Credit/Money Management Issues
2. Overbearing Mother/Father/Family Issues
3. HIV+/Herpes/STD Issues or You Like To Bareback

4. Violent Ex/Abuse Issues
5. Unemployed/Underedcated Insecurities in Comparison to him
6. Intimacy, Sexual Fears or You've Been a Superslut
7. You've been hurt and have Trust Issues
8. Parental Non-Acceptance Issues
9. You did porn years ago
10. You're rich and have trust issues

The fantastic thing about 1 through 10 is you can work all of that in therapy. The truthful thing is you can't work that out with just a Good Man. You need a time frame in order to know when to bring things up. This is where the concept of not being immediately sexual with someone on the first date comes in and limiting the time of a date so that you don't start emotionally vomiting. You want time to be liked for your wonderful self not seen as someone cute with a lot of problems.

Think in terms of: 1 Date, 3rd Date, Before You Have Sex, 5th Date, 3 Months, Before You Move in Together, Never, After 1 Year, He Already Knew That.

Love isn't accepting someone for all their faults---it's falling in love with someone and having time to see the incorporation of issues to the one you love. Love and time buffer the harsh truths of other human beings. Absolute disclosure destroy intimacy. Tell your therapist 1 through 10. Write down on a piece of paper what to talk about and what not to. There's stuff about a Good Man you don't know and you might also want to consider that telling him everything upfront and then not dating after a week or two means that there's someone walking around with your dossier...who will tell his friends and family, post it to Facebook, mention it to co-workers, etc. Give time time.


Your Plaything
A Good Man is generally looking for that someone special,someone who can appreciate all the work he's done on himself and is ready to talk about long term plans and hopes and dreams. Wanting to hit a bar or two and maybe mess around with him is looking for a plaything, not a real connection. When you meet a Good Man, he will probably be focused on not only his own life goals but in making a meaningful connection so you have to be ready as well to deal with a good man arriving in your life. Lots of MSM complain about the lack of Good Men but aren't doing anything to better themselves for when one arrives It's away of internalizing shame and homophobia: "I'll complain about discrimination but I don't truly act like I'm worth what I say I deserve. Thereby a Good Man will never show up, one proving my misguided point and two, letting me off the hook to actualizing myself/identity."

The point that this all brings together is that one wants to be conscious of one's self and actions when you meet a man. Not that you're expected to walk on eggshells but you should put your best foot forward and slowly reveal your club foot. Your interests, hobbies, sparkling personality should be put forward, not your problems or misperceptions. What makes a Good Man attracted to you is YOU not all of the other extraneous things around you. Give him time to enjoy you, to know you, to think you're wonderful and special then slowly talk about your childhood, your life errors, your crazy friends, your messy parents----he's much more likely to want to hang in there. Ironically true intimacy is the reverse of what we normally do in life---you have to reveal your inner, true self, not the external dramatic stuff first.


Enjoy!!!
Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast



Dating for MSM, Part 3: Getting Boomtastic!  Sex, Sex, Sex

There is debate about how long one should wait to indulge in sex.  MSM tend to have sex faster due to testosterone and the freedom from the risk of pregnancy (though I would offer that HIV is God's way of acknowledging/projecting all sexualities under the Sun need to be responsible).  It also acts as a false marker for intimacy.  It's far easier to be physically naked than it is to be emotionally naked.  MSM therefore having grown up without the support and embrace of society: their families, their friends, schoolmates, teachers, deli counter cooks, don't always have rules for sexuality.  Some of the positive stuff that society can give us is the wisdom for how to measure when to do something, when not to and how to listen to our core selves and not our rubber parts.  However when you haven't been grounded in your sexuality being valuable and of quality, it's something, as of 18 years old, you're now responsible for.

When to have sex?

I wish I could give you an easy answer but the volume of your neediness for intimacy is playing louder in your head then anything I can say to you.  I've learned this in workshops.  I've learned this in workshops despite the room being full of fifty men and half of them being HIV+ and sharing how immediate sexual gratification got some of them caught up in the permanent jackpot.

Here's what I throw out: 3 months.

A large percentage of the men in groups LOSE THEIR DAMN MINDS trying to conceive of this time frame.  ow here's the interesting part, they're often the ones whose relationship strategies aren't working; who aren't dating' who aren't even being sexual.  It's akin to someone ill coming into the Emergency Room and refusing medical care and then sitting in the waiting room complaining about the pain they're in.  The shock and upset come from fear.  Fear of losing a man's attention because MSM at the core of their sexual identity have acquired shame/inadequacy/.lack of value from society's projections.  But rather than deal with that fearful feeling they fight hard against the cure.  Why? Because abused child fight social workers to go back to their abusive parents.  The lack of value encultured within, creates insane behavior on the outside.

If you are afraid that a man won't value you enough to leave you if you aren't sexual with him that suggests a lot about him and your relationship.  You're saying that he finds you disposable and maybe you secretly think of him as disposable too.  What I often find surprising is how many men sit together in groups and acknowledge and nod about the pandemic of HIV and then rush into sex.  Logically, healthy men would have deeper boundaries around their sexual activity unless there was a neurosis/mental upset at work unconsciously that they weren't considering.  The attempt to alleviate that feeling of lack of worth, a reflection of society saying you're sexuality isn't good enough for love, consideration, marriage.  Yet you're still forced to work, support, pay taxes, be nice to grandma---an emotional rape victim having to make nice-nice for the social perpetrator.

Woah, heavy thoughts, huh?

Ok, back to Sexual Standards.

You and he can negotiate sex.  Not simply positioning but also comfortability.  A friend recently told me about an online hook up where both he and the other guy were so nervous that they HAD to talk before sex.  It turned into not satisfying sex for both of them.  I suggested to him that both of them didn't have complete comfortability with what they were doing.  He defended that no, they had sex.  I reinforced that I wasn't taking about their ability to commit a penetrative act but they weren't comfortable with each other.  When he had to stop and think past his sexuality and desire to whether he felt good about it, he had to admit that he didn't and hadn't.  I suggested he not become celibate, the other end of the spectrum but instead that he explore sexuality and have fun without so much pressure to it being great or love or perfect.
Can you meet someone and have good sex?  Sure, but generally that happens with MSM who are comfortable with themselves so they show up as great lovers because they see their sexuality as good, valuable and an integral part of the universe. Sharing that self-love and lack of shame is what creates great sex.  (understandably the more out a man is the better they report their sex life as.  Living in authentically makes better lovers.)

Again you're wondering okay, what does all this mean?  Imagine now having these discussions with yourself or others before having body contact.  Not just what do you like but why do you like it?  Why do you want to be sexual?  Ask the other person why they want to be sexual with you?  Ask what they find sexually attractive about you?

Now I want to be clear here that when I suggest waiting a few dates, or a dozen, or more, that doesn't mean there can't be kissing, petting, sleeping together, flirtation, just no penetrative or Bill Clinton sex.  Not only are you trying to get to know someone else but you also don't want to become chemically bonded to a man that you later discover is a louse.

Points to Consider: 
  • Have you ever had repeated sex with someone you don't like?
  • If you agree to casual sex you're saying my body and your body like each other so sure and maybe, hopefully, one day this could turn into a committed relationship or marriage, maybe.
  • If 85% of MSM are Betas (more estrogen based) then they have a greater susceptibility to oxytocins, "the love hormone".  There's scads of studies on how this hormone causes not simply women but high production of estrogen males, to bond emotionally through sex to the smell, taste, touch of men (who have higher testosterone---Alphas--who don't feel as emotionally connected.)
  • Betas commit through sex; Alphas commit through giving/loyalty/commitment=love.
  • Betas often foolish try to use sex thinking sex is bonding.
  • Alphas don't bond through sex.  They enjoy it like a Wendy's hamburger.  Then bounce.

Now wait for it, wait for it-----consider how this effects HIV rates.  A bunch of MSM having sex, feeling chemically bonded and sexing more and more and more, in spite of ambivalent feelings for their partner or physical risk.  If MSM are willing to risk themselves physically for sex, they would probably do so emotionally as well, huh?

MSM are challenged with having to negotiate their identity and sexuality without any social training, this definitely means that impulsivity and attraction have to be considered.  I'm no prude, nor do I advocate every sexual congress has to be a four bell wedding/honeymoon.  What I am suggesting is if you put up some boundaries around sex you'll discover that there are Good Men out there who want to hear from you your standards not your easiness.  If you're this easy with Bob on a date, Bob now knows for sure, whether he ever admits it to himself, how easy you are, period.  Curiously MSM spend so much time with women but don't learn from successfully partnered women---don't give it up, make him earn it.  If all it takes is attraction for you to be sexual when you report to wanting someone good and honest and loyal and trustworthy and stable---all of those characteristics can't be discovered during sex.  Character can only be observed over time.  So if you put getting to know someone's character over getting to know their rubber parts you probably won't spend as much time talking to friends about how you've been cheated on, or more drastically, sitting on a hard plastic chair somewhere wondering will the medical attendant tell you, from the test, something negative or positive.

Thank you!
Kyle Phoenix
Email your comments and thoughts to: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Sign up for the E Newsletter at: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us/Share this post on Facebook  LinkedIn, Google+ or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com





  Infidelity: When (And Why) Men Stray......on to The Kyle Phoenix Show

Often times people send in really great emails to my television show (Keep them coming!  kylephoenixshow@aol.com. )  The Kyle Phoenix Show broadcast here in NYC, Thursdays at midnight on Time Warner Channel 56 (yes, shameless plug.)  Occasionally though there's an odd serendipity when a viewer writes in about not only a topic I'm versed in or have taught about, but individuals I know.  New York City, particularly the meanderings of men of color involved in hetero/homosexual relationships is well, but not abundantly cast.  Recently I got several whopper emails.

What's a television show host to do?  I've been letting the audience help me steer the television show, suggest topics, give me advice on topics to tackle and deliberately answering them.  I've even had the pleasure of show viewers coming up to me in public with positive things to say about the show, and in particular being able to articulate how the topics/advice has helped them.  Several emails have come in asking about infidelity, particularly men in relationships with men and sexual freedom vs. infidelity.

Let's start with the premise that you want to date or are in a new relationship or a long-term one and you start to suspect that your partner is creeping around.  How do you handle it?

1. Tell yourself the truth.

In the 21st century, you can't keep your head in a bucket and hope that it will go away.  You have to consider beyond even your own dignity and morality, there's STI's---Sexually Transmitted Infections---so you have to really think about the fact that someone bringing something home today can seriously affect your health tomorrow.

Secondly, you have to decide if you've got an agreement or did you just have an expectation?  This is where the flack is going to come in---so hold on---in a relationship, even in initial dating, you can't expect someone to hold the same rules/expectations that you do until you discuss them.  Men, women, men who are becoming women, women who are becoming men---everyone is a separate human being with a separate take on reality and relationships.

Everyone who emailed me about this, whom I emailed back with this point/question came back befuddled that they had never not only had a discussion (beyond---"I would burn up all your stuff if I ever found out!") but a:
  • directed negotiation, 
  • both people dressed, 
  • away from the bed (everyone promises fidelity in the moment, in the bedroom, in the heat of infatuation/love);

Both people then get to discuss and present their expectations on what fidelity looks like to them and you, and what the repercussions are if there is infidelity  In my early twenties I had a live in relationship with a young man and we discussed the two things that break up couples, particularly MSM:

  • Money
  • Sexual infidelity/problems

We created a simple rule system because we wanted to honor each other and the relationship But I personally and pragmatically felt that weren't going to be together for the rest of our lives and that I have more sexual experience than he did, so he might still have questions and desires.  Our agreement was if you find yourself in a position or feeling to be sexual outside of the confines of our relationship:

  • Invite the other one.
  • Tell the other one.

This allowed us to negotiate what action and timeframe around absolute fidelity looked like for us and that lead naturally to what the repercussions would be should someone break that agreement.  (He eventually did, more on that later.)

This also allows you to decide how soon to initiate your policy if the two of you are new to dating.  When you become sexual/intimate you should've had this discussion.  If you haven't and someone does there is a childish expectation of fidelity, perhaps even a justifiable one, but I don't think you can truly expect real integrity.


2. Our Love is Forever!  Probably not.

The relationship you're in, probably not forever, and even in long term relationships there will be challenges and perhaps even wanderings.  You have to evaluate is this a true LTR that has some legs because we've both made investments that lock us together legally, morally, socially:

  • we have kids, 
  • we are legally married,
  • we own property together,
  • we are on each other health insurance as well as life insurance 
  • we own a business together
  • we have shared monetary investments/dependency (one is helping the other through school or the primary breadwinner)
  • and are willing to seek maybe a counselor to work out problems because the investment we've made is so substantial.

(It should also become clear why heterosexuals can be so condescending towards homosexual relationships.  Even homosexuals view them with less weight---how many of the above have you or your friends done in the course of LTRs?  Most heterosexuals do this as a matter of course in their relationships, hence a legal system designed around alimony, palimony and divorce.  But socially disenfranchised homosexuals who haven't directly been taught the human system for building lasting relationships, haven't all entirely graduated to the accountability and responsibility levels due to the previous lack of expectation of them attaining this level of parity.)

However even if you and a partner are designing some of the above into your relationships then you might sill negotiate an "Open Period" around sex and sexuality within your relationship. That's far more normal in all human relationships than we publicly admit because our social discourse often isn't as advanced as our private meeting of the minds.

(Now anecdotally, first, in workshops/discussions I've found that the one who creeps is generally the more possessive one, exploding that there'd be new forms of hell if their partner cheated.....as they wipe the evidence off of their own egos.  Second, in the Open Period, one must make room for there perhaps being another gender your partner wants to be sexual with as well as your own.  But I'll go into this in another blog.  However, bluntly, you may not be enough for them because you don't have the right totality of equipment.  Fascinating.)


If it's a new relationships you have to decide did you have this discussion and if you did, that your boundaries were crossed, the agreement broken and therefore ending the relationship necessary.  People opt, men in particular opt of this because it brings up two sticky points---dealing with sexual jealousy/possessiveness and being emotionally expressive enough to discuss that you are in the orchard, but not the only apple of your lovers' eye.



3. Open Period.  Everyone Gets a Snack Attack or Three on A Match.

Some men (and women) agree with their partner that it's open with rules.

  • No kissing.  
  • Don't fall in love.  
  • Do tell me all the details.  
  • Don't tell me the details.  
  • Never in our home.  
  • None of our mutual friends.

That's a tricky agreement that only the deeply secure and enlightened can make (over a few years in a relationships seems the safest).  Takes some real discussions and understandings and security because sometimes A tells B that they agree when really A doesn't and B thinks they do and meets C.....and D.....and E and A loses it.  B is shocked and feels betrayed, A is deeply betrayed and its' a mess.  Know yourself.  To thy ownself be true.  Buyer beware.

Can it be salvaged afterwards if there's been creeping?  Yes.  But the Creeper has to be ready for a period of time as part of their penance to answer any and all questions about the creeping.  Its hard to imagine but your partner may need details to understand why, where, when, how and most importantly what you were seeking elsewhere.  Be honest.  Might as well at that point, right?

If you've been creeped upon, and its been a while, like years or a disease has popped up or everyone but you knew....ummmm....you have some serious holes in your relationships, time for a counselor and some discussions with your partner about such obsessive, sexually habitual behaviours.

I'm going to go out on a pink branch here and suggest you give it a chance, a real shot.  Maybe even a month or two before a definitive break up (if you're in an LTR) try everything you can to root out truth and salvage.  Only then can you decide that the infidelity is the reason to walk.

Last point, my young 20s ex.  Yes he cheated and I sensed it---actually the night after he did it.  (I was young but baby has always been perceptive.)  After several days of asking him if there was anything he felt I should know that would affect our relationship (yes, that would be defined as a passive-aggressive cat and mouse ploy, I admit it) he finally owned up to it.  But because we'd had several serious discussions about this possibility we had some tools and a relationship contract to negotiate what should occur going forward.  Most importantly, personally, I have a ironclad rule system about myself, sexuality, relationships:

  • I have management and control on my own crotch, no one elses.
  • That is your body, not mine as a possession nor should I expect that our relationship includes or occludes your natural sexuality.  You had it before me, during me, with me and will still have it after me.  Same for my own.
  • When people tell you or show you who they are believe them.  Don't play yourself, don't let them play you, don't blame it on the rain.  Look at it squarely, that's healthy self-respect.  Always tell yourself the truth.  Always. That's my/your pact with God for having a soul.
  • If I respect and value myself, there' s nothing anyone can do to hurt me that I don't choose to go through.  Why?  Re-read the above point.
  • There is no such thing as cheating.  You are not my possession, nor your crotch under my management, so if you choose to do something with it, technically, unless we have an agreement, I can't bitch too much about it.  Because it's not mine.
  • However, I reserve the right, as rights are extended to the other, if there has been a breach in our agreement around fidelity to decide how I will and will not interact my body, emotions, life with you.  Because just as yours are yours, mine are mine.

This had all been put on the table in our discussions are the parameters of our relationship so we decided not to breakup.  Then, like the young fool he was, he started to try and defend his infidelity by saying it was my fault.  By doing so he was trying to get out of accountability/responsibility for his actions and I decided to break up with him because of that action, not the sex he'd had elsewhere.  I understood then that we'd gotten together so quickly that I hadn't done a thorough character check up on him by dating before living together and he wasn't ready to change or grow nor match my beliefs and values around integrity.
In fact, he said it again at about 12 midnight.
I told him to get out at 12:04am.
Roseanne Arnold's show Roseanne was on and in the opening montage where she cackles?  She cackled on cue to the end of my saying "Oh, hell no.  Get out!"
He was out by 12:30am.

I've always seen that televised cackle as a sign about my pact with God.



Thank you,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on FaceBook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/




MSM, Pssst!  Why Your Prince Hasn't Come
Frustration is a mixture of anger and resentment/disappointment and this unfortunately is a state that lots of MSM, particularly one's of color, find themselves experiencing.   Most importantly they experience this around dating and seeking a long term relationship.  It's difficult being authentic to one's sexuality in a society that has not only sexuality issues but also racial attitudes that are negative towards men of color who are MSM---but more on that later.

Dating is difficult for men who are interested in men for an amazingly simple fact: women are absent.  Women, whether it's for the social status of having a woman on his arm, her social abilities to further him in life, the ability to propagate children, the validity of maturity that a wife offers, the emotional skills that women are often taught more pointedly growing up that allow them to be more intimate, faster and easier, the lack of social "falling" by being with a man (MSM who are with MSM are not rated as high as heterosexual men) and on and on.  Now you might rightfully assert that not all heterosexual relationships work out and I wholeheartedly agree.  Once people get past their gender, they are still people who have to negotiate identity and so on to be together.

But what if your sexuality excludes women?  Then what?  There has to be an adaptation to managing not having some of the skill set women bring or to actively seek to bridge some of those skills.

No Feminine Men
There's a terror of being with an effeminate man that is keeping so many men single because there's such a fear of being emasculated.  The emasculation fear has to do with the public aspect of relationships and what will be thought of a man if he's with someone who is so overtly homosexual.  His own homosexuality is then put into the spotlight when compared to an effeminate man.  However here's what also is revealed, how effeminate he might be and how uncomfortable he might be with that being seen.  So much of homosexuality for men is the distancing and the ousting of them from the Manhood Cave so that they tend to go to extremes to be humans to other men and to women.

Say you're an MSM and you come out to family and friends and coworkers and then you start dating an effeminate man and bring him to all the social gatherings  dinners, casual outings, weddings, funerals, holiday parties, work events----now I set up that list because some of you got stuck on seeing yourself or others seeing you at these events with a partner.  That's how much society is in your head (and ultimately your bed,)  Can you imagine dancing at wedding with your boyfriend like all the other couples?  And if you can't, and your answer is because you wouldn't want to disrespect your family, others, etc.---think first of how you consider your sexuality can simply be "disrespectful".

MSM are always living their relationships publicly to others feelings and perceptions which is why there's such an overt concern for the masculinity personality (and masculinity is personality based not character---when you say you're masculine, the reason why acting naturally follows as language is because it is a put on action.  You act masculine.)  Your relationship, before it's even been able to be accepted and encouraged has already been stifled by measurements and the comfortability of others.  Rather than an MSM looking at another man and considering him from an internal perspective of whether or not  he finds a man attractive,responsible, etc.---he's initially considering external judgment from others and bluntly, sexuality.

Sexuality and MSM
MSM are obsessed with sexuality because of this external projection---waiting for the rest of the world to validate the "okayness" of their identity that they even take it all the way to the bedroom.  Bottom, Versatiles, Tops, Versatile Bottoms, Tops Who Bottom, etc.. Another obsessional worry about external judgment and one more important factor in all males, that women generally through being considered "less than" in society, help to assuage.  The male ego.

Just because one is an MSM doesn't mean that a male ego isn't rampantly out of conrol in an MSM's head.  In fact I would offer that it is even more so because he's trying to prove a standard of manhood that he'll never socially meet so he keeps trying to prove he's just as good as to something he'll never equate to as and so and so on.

Back to the male ego.  The fear isn't simply lack of compatibility with another MSM but it goes to the core of sexual based jealousy: Will I be able to satisfy you long term?  What if I'm a Bottom and you're a Top who occasionally wants to Bottom?  Can I satisfy that? What if I can't?  You'll ;logically want someone to satisfy that.  I can't.  The male ego stops this man from even crossing the room to say hi because he's psyched himself out through inverted sexual jealousy.

Or say you're someone who wants to experiment with pleasure---you might not even know that's who you are (or a partner) might be today, tomorrow or in a year's time.  Your Bottom partner might want to try out being a Top in six months and because he's focused his sexual attention at you, he wants to explore that with you.  Terrifying.  Why?  All of the manhood, sexuality, identity bullshit attached to sexual positioning.  Homosexuality having less experience and therefore public record and discourse doesn't understand that sexuality is not static in a person nor in a relationship.  Things change, positions change, turn-ons change but the direct physical limitations of male to female sort of answers what will and won't happen most of the time.  Male to male sex though is literally open to each being Versatile in their sexuality to themselves and others.

The male ego and testosterone put sex before intimacy so it's impossible to for some men to consider that intimacy or simply time will change how you feel or derive pleasure sexually.Also consider homosexual men have spent so much internal time defining their sexuality----generally not maturely---the resources for examining and experimenting with an MSM's sexuality being pornography, hook ups and daydreaming.  Relationships help us to explore and develop and broaden ourselves but if you're an MSM and you can't get past a few dates, enough intimacy hasn't developed in your life to explore.  Or you might've been in a relationship that didn't give space for such negotiations.

I'm currently reading a book on sexuality (yes, I will review/post it) that I've had several copies of---I give away a lot of books to friends and students.  I noticed I didn't have a copy of it and ordered another, got it and on a lark thinking about how I could do something like it for the television show read the introduction.  I was struck by how the writer talked about all the people he'd interviewed and how they'd all expressed how sexuality changes over time.  He also talked about something I found surprising---how he didn't know what kind of sex his friends had.  How sexuality was so negatively private in his circle of friends before the book and yet he thought he knew people deeply.  I then thought about my own friend circle and realized because it included so many sexual persuasions and because of the work I do---I knew quite a bit about others.  But they knew so little about me.  The writer went on to suggest that the openness generally mirrors satisfaction.  Now he didn't mean the gritty details of what other uses you've come up with for a toothbrush and a bodybuilder but more generally, openly.  What pleasure looks and feels like for ones self.

Dating Is A Numbers Game
Simply put 1 out of 10 will be a love connection.  7 dates won't like you, nor you them.  Number 8 will like you, you won't like him.  Number 9, you'll like, but he won't like you.  Number 10---BINGO.

However the above scenario takes time.  And it may not follow the exact numbers of 1 through 10.  You might hit BINGO at Number 15.  Your friend might have hit their BINGO number at Number 1 or 3 and you've internalized that their success reflects back to your lack of success   Again the Male Ego running comparison games with others.  MSM are often, throughout their lifetime dealing with notifying the world about the truth of their internal identity in a world where heterosexuals gain a lot by sex/gender assumption.  In a way MSM are always coming out over and over and over to new people, to family about more and more dimensions of relationships, about normal life drama that includes one's sexuality.  I personally believe it's why MSM are more neurotic than heterosexual men---that constant push and pull from internal to external identity.


Single hood is Natural
Watching heterosexuals as you grow up their relationships look easy to obtain and maintain because you're not aware of the training they've received from the society around them.  Think of all the Homophobia you've noticed throughout your lifetime from your family, friends, co-workers, etc.---now think of that homophobia as positive encouragement---heterosexuals receive Heteropositivity as often as you see, notice, hear Homophobia which encourages them to be in relationships, to accommodate other human beings quirks and be nurturing.  MSM don't receive that and the lack of receiving that makes it difficult to understand that it's natural to be single.  To go from relationship to relationship growing---from kindergarten on up through old age.  It's natural to have periods of time where you're celibate, not dating, dating several people as you try to work out that numbers game of 1 in 10. Career and education also take a huge bite out ability to focus into a relationship and it's even more of a chaotic force for men of color.

Men of Color---It's Sort Of Working Out.......Kinda
If you see Obama as a shift in racial possibility for men of color you've misunderstood racism.  If Black and Latino people represent 35% of the American population then if there have been 40 odd Presidents----we should be racially a third of that number.  About 10 to 15 of the Presidents should've been non-White.  But population hasn't translated to reality of opportunities, which goes from the Top of Society to the Bottom (Poverty).


A friend mentioned to me that he was having such trouble finding a healthy Black or Latino man to date---so many had alcohol, drug or former incarceration, unemployment  underemployment issues.  Another friend wanted to do a date night get together at a club, announced it near and far to over 1000 MSM of color and only 1 bought a ticket. Yet another had relegated himself to "Dirty Boys" (read: hustlers) who would use him for attention, resources and emotional drama but were gleefully with women and reticent about sexual attention for his needs to the point of his near-begging.  All of these men who wanted to create relationships were undermined by the reality of where men of color are at in society, American society.  If say there are 5 million men of color in New York state and 10%of that number are MSM (500,00) and that number is affected by other factors it starts limiting how many Good Men exist.

What factors affect the 500,000?


  • Only 50% are "out" and comfortable with their sexuality. (250,000)
  • 30% are under 18 or over 65 so not compatible with everyone (175,000)
  • Social Services here in NY provides for those with HIV so lots of men have moved here (or to Chicago and California where there are also immediate cash/living services) who are HIV positive.  There's also a high population who are positive but not aware of it or care.  Let's say that the HIV ball is about 50,000.
  • That leaves us with about 125,000 eligible men in NYC to a man.
    • However if we apply the 1 in 10 Rule;
    • There's about 12,500 men who could be attracted to you and you them towards a relationship (if you lived here in NYC)
  • Following along the lines of Keith Swain's work on the measurement of Alphas and Betas among MSM then we have to divide that number up by 15% are Alphas and 85% are Betas.  That makes roughly 1400 Alphas and 11,000 Betas for you. 
  • The insanity of seeking absolute masculinity personality presentation---100% of the time means you're egging for Alphas (because you're probably a Beta, why?  Because 85% of MSM are.  I know go ahead, fight it, rail how you're an Alpha.  Society BS running deep your head.  Here's how I bust it in workshops when I do Alpha/Beta workshops.

    • Hip to shoulder width Ratio?  Alphas are squared lined not slumped/sloping shouldered.
    • Long index finger than ring finger?  Indicates more estrogen. Beta
    • Sexual position? Versatile, Bottom, Tops---tends to correspond Bottoms and Versatiles to estrogen levels.  
    • Alphas though are not attracted to what Betas perceive as manly looking men---Alphas are attracted to more effeminate men---it's Betas who are seeking Alphas and think if they butch it up
      like"wants like"---they often discover that they're both Betas.  They simply have gym memberships and have created bodies that fooled each other into initially assuming compatibility based on sexuality and external judgment.
    • MSM rail against being Betas---why?  Estrogen and it's absolute association with being a woman or woman-like.  And the most horrible thing one could be as a man is like a woman, right.  See how homosexuals are misogynistic no matter the size of their Madonna collection?
    • Curiously, societally  80% of all men are Betas in spite of sexuality.  Scientists believe the higher level of Estrogen in most men is so that we literally don't kill our young and have more wars.
  • Men of Color tend not to be as educated or employed as other men in Western society due to social cues from racism and poverty.
    • Holding 1400 men available to you who are Alphas---40% of Men of Color are in permanent poverty, now your number is 860.
    • 20% goes for just damn cray cray (mommy drama, abusive, sociopaths, self-destructive)---now the number is 700
    • 35% of men of color are college educated so if you want highly educated and therefore more open and flexible in his opinions of you (mentally flexibility is one of the things education engenders) then your pool is down to about 400 to 500.
    • Education leads to greater job ability and stability and ability to earn 35k or more a year.  It becomes harder and harder to do so as the world advances and education, highly technical education becomes mandatory.  The Male Ego sees itself by money and judges men on their money ability.  Don't lie don't try and argue against it, just learn to manage it as a reality towards you or that you project.
    • Half are in recovery (hopefully) or therapy to deal with the overwhelming screams of society at them and their identity.
    • Ummm, where do you get bounced on the above matrix?
  • If you're here in NY, there are about 500 eligible men for you--------but they're spread out over the entire state.  You can raise your numbers by being clear on your Alpha/Beta-ness---don't look in the mirror or ask friends, buy the book, do the test, accept the results---it's society screaming that you MUST be an Alpha.  When you're not.  The faster men accept who and what they are and learn what attracts men to them in particular and PLAY THAT GAME, the happier they end up being.  No, really, all the workshops I've done, those who take the test, accept their designation and apply the psychology to their dating---in relationships.
MSM, particularly those of color are dealing with all of the minusing factors and you have to consider how well they're dealing with all of those factors and their ability to negotiate all of the above stuff I've outlined as effecting relationships.  Two things are happening---yes, it's changing and growing in new directions for MSM who are brown to explore and express themselves and many men of color are advancing.  This means that if you want Mr. Perfect you now have to be in a space where all of them congregate who are just interested in you and you have to really, really, really think about the fact that if he's managed enough of the above stuff about himself to be a Good Man, would he want you?  If your sexual positions, judgments of femininity and inability to handle intimacy are the first things you enter a room with, it's probably why you can't find someone.  

Heterosexual men accept who they are, the level they're worthy of, marry overweight women, women marry less educated, they settle because of the other being great parents but not terrific lovers or they accept odd habits because their partner is loyal.  If you've viewed your sexuality through porn or pics of perfect men that you've objectified (what is it with MSM on Facebook posting handsome men? Then you click on their profile pic and it's some schlub in Big City, USA who looks like he's going to stay single---it comes off a little pervy, I'm just saying.  MSM I've noticed don't  think---you know Good Men might look at my Facebook profile----no you will not be accepted just because---we accept people when they don't offend.  If you're talking about wanting love and naked on Adam4Adam or your FB looks like a naked model junkyard---no one NORMAL can compete with your projected fantasies.  And he knows this, so he stays away.)

Lastly men of color have been so encultured to lack of identity flexibility that they lack identity flexibility, making it hard to be the flexibility you need for intimacy.  American society has impressed upon men of color so heavily what they parameters of their identity should and shouldn't look like.  However its impossible to stand still in your identity and have someone just walk up and love that.  We as human beings learn to love is by softening an edge or two, by accepting things in others we don't understand.  That's love.  Most men who complain about not being able to find love, don't know HOW to love.  That love isn't looking for a perfect fantasy manifestation.  Love is looking at another human being and appreciating their beauty and then simply enjoying their enhancement to you and you to them, not mandates or control systems or personality demands.  Simple acceptance, patience and forgiveness.

Ultimately, how do you get your Prince?

You look in the mirror, access yourself and your actions sensibly and honestly and GO OUT into the world with patience and maybe a list of qualities in your head but a heart that is ready to accept someone who loves you but your family won't like or someone who's HIV+ but loves you or someone who can spell gym and earns some good money but isn't in tip top shape. Some things you enhance with another person (which is how women look at men---Can I work with this?) and sometimes you're the one who is being enhanced.


Thank you,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on FaceBook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast onhttp://kylephoenixsite.com/





Why You Really Prefer/Fetishize Fats and Fems And Really Don't...At The Same Time

The delight of humanity is it's diversity in form, in thought, in action and in innovation.  This of course extends over into categories of gender and sexuality and MSM.  There comes a point though when preferences and fetishization are in the way of intimacy.  A preference is something you would choose in optimum circumstances but it should be understood that this won't always be the reality.  I might go to a restaurant and prefer to have lamb but they don't serve lamb so instead I choose to go with the veal.  Not getting one's preference isn't settling, it's simply choosing something else and allowing that choice to shine and win you over.  Flexibility of choice in one's life is where happiness and power lie. 

Fetishization on the other hand is a very specific set of conditions or circumstances that have to exist for a person to feel satisfied.  A fetish might be a preference to wearing leather when going out but I can't wear it everyday to work, so I'm pushing down my true desire for clothing that is more socially acceptable.  I might even eventually shift my life to accommodate my fetish.  Think of it this way your fetish doesn't allow (or tries not to) anything to get in it's way.  A preference understands that it's a perfect storm choice.

Can you see where I'm going with this?

The obsession with perfect gym bodies and hyper masculinity has been fetishized though it's spoken of as a preference.  The vast number of MSM who are alone fall into two distinct categories in my experiences around this.  
  • Men who want a perfect specimen and themselves are perfect specimens but lack emotional and manhood character skills and tools to to negotiate obtaining such a relationship.  
  • Men who have disregarded the information of mirrors and assumed their desire for perfect looking homosexual men is a preference and should be met.
Leftover are the rest of MSM who instead take a case by case basis and measure on the lines of character and understanding that people vary in their body types and sizes.  Interestingly enough our human predilection for attraction and categorization for partners based on body type is really a reproductive section of healthy hunting ability and child production.  I often have to remind men in workshops that just because their sexuality is not/not exclusively heterosexual it doesn't put them outside the realm of human biological and social forces/compulsions.  Actually what I think is happening from relationship confusion all the way to men willingly infecting other men with HIV is the biological animal at war with the societal mismatch of sexual identity roles and place.  That's a show/blog for another time to explore and unpack.

But on to men who like fat asses.

Suddenly two forces are confronting MSM that are somewhat biology based and society based.  There are more men who are not slim, trim absolute natural weight men because of greater food storage and production capabilities introducing the ability to be obese.  Or at least heavy.  In order to de-mark the difference between heavy and obese, I'm going to have to give a general range.  On the Body Mass Index scale, there's the approximate number of where a man's weight/height and BMI coincide.  As you can see by the chart below red is obese, yellow overweight and white in the healthiest range.


We have to remember two factors both positive and negative.  One this is general human male charting so it doesn't take into account how culture and ethnicity effect how one may've used one's body or is taught to sustain it.  Two, being in the red range no matter how cute you feel or think you look is still more dangerous than not.  What do I mean.  Bluntly, the above chart was designed with White men in mind so for men of color the weight to height ranges might not jive with our body types and history and the way we consume food and exercise.  We should also throw in that the construct of "gayness" and social homosexuality, what it looks like is largely a White centered construct.  African and American and Latino men have historically had no choice but to follow along, it's only in the past twenty years or so that we've had the resources and out men to say "No, we're more like this because we are not that race."

But having birthed part of our sexual identity through a paradigm that may or may not fit us culturally, we've also adopted ideas that may or may not suit who we are.  This thought has always been something I've known but in the realm of MSM and body type/image this came up as I was watching the Facebook news feed.  As I'm sure everyone on Facebook does, you have "friends" who you're not particularly close to but there's a common friend or interest so you get their postings too.  It's how the whole system works, it might even be how you got my blog or videos.  That's not a bad thing.  But what it also does is it allows and eye spy into more people and their thoughts/preferences then we might normally get.  In a way that's what the internet does, it allows entry into another's thoughts and it demands that the other marshal the boundaries around their thoughts.  It really is the 21st century technological telepathy.  But on to my people point.

In the news feed of various individuals and groups, some men, MSM men post pictures of hyper masculine and  pack, sweaty, 8 pack, semi to fully nude men not just regularly but constantly.  Now like the previous examples this is both positive and negative.  One, it's positive because it's men, who tend to be more visual in their sexual interest, following the biological drive for a percentage of men to see or look at or with technology have images of men, and sexualize it.  Not negatively but oddly, that's being group shared.  That group sharing I think is a level of fascinating that I can only speculate into.  It only makes more sense when I give you the not positive, or possibly negative skew on this.  None of the men, I'm think of a handful, they're Black and Latino, look like the perfect images they're posting (I once counted one guys posts about three dozen men a day.)

Let's really look at that.  In simple terms, someone in the red, who's constantly in the BMI red and perhaps if we did a direct handsomeness facial measurement (there's actually a rating system for that that is simply biological---humans judge attractiveness by facial symmetry and the balance or imbalance.  When we look at say a Brad Pitt or a Denzel Washington, part of what we're unconsciously measuring is how symmetrical their faces--It's called the Golden Triangle---are and using that knowledge to suggest how potent or fertile and healthy their genetic line/seed is.  We're doing the same at Halle Berry and Charlize Theron.  Remember we're biological humans before all of the social stuff is lain onto us.  You can also see why there's an explosion in facial and body sculpting plastic surgery and why so many advertisements involving celebrities are face centered....and Photoshop is universally involved.)  When you think someone is beautiful, not just overall attractive, but startling "perfect" we're looking for that symmetry or that person has done things to themselves to achieve that symmetry. 

My mother ran a modelling agency for about a decade starting in my teenage years so there was a constant parade of really beautiful people in and out of the house.  I was even charged with if I saw young people in my travels, who were really attractive, male or female, gay or straight to give them her card but she admonished me to trust my gut on it, not to be suckered in by thinking they were a "nice" person.  Curiously while I even was prompted to do a photo shoot myself in swim trunks, suits and other things and I can now see the symmetry my mother and the photographer thought were camera friendly, I also learned to not be enamored with that symmetry.  Even more ironically, have over the years because of this encouraged acceptance  had lots of "beautiful friends and lovers mainly because I'm not as awestruck by them and we can have normal discourse.
Ah, are you starting to see where I'm going with the possibilities of no fats, no fems?

Back to the Facebook posters.  I wonder and have considered directly asking them---what do you get out of posting men who you'll never meet, who in high probably might not even be homosexual or be attracted to you?  Then I thought about what one of the levels of Facebook (yeah, after the Golden Triangle stuff---even the name is jumping off new suppositions, huh?) is about.  A level of "see me" vanity or narcissism.  Now some levels of narcissism can be healthy, it's a positive way of seeing our internal selves (confidence) and manifesting it outwardly *self esteem) but when we're not getting a steady diet of some of that social reinforcement to our inner selves we can often try and get it artificially.  I would submit that the men who are constantly posting, not occasionally but I mean, that's what he DOES on Facebook pictures of hyper attractive men are trying to get some Gold Triangle....light.  

Let's be honest, some people ain't Golden Triangle close in face symmetry, never were going to be and need to make sure their personality sparkles.  That's good and cool.  But some also learn the Mean Girls theory of cuteness.  If you stand with lots of cute people constantly while it points out how less cute you are, it also tricks other humans into sometimes considering you more cute than you are. The guys doing the super posting---are truing to get some Golden Triangle side light cast onto them while also exampling their sexuality very publicly.  It's a form of extreme vanity in a not so cute face.  
Yeah, I said it!

I'll go even further out on a limb and suggest a level of internalized racial homo-superiority against themselves as the posters are Black and Latino, and I've watched their posts be of predominantly White men.  
Ummmm hmmm.  
I said it! 
Again!

But what about the FAT ASSES ?!


Knowing all that you now know from the above I would further submit that that's a level of what is occurring by segmenting some MSM to the chubs, chunks, churros section of the sexuality barroom.  They might have more personality, resources (kinda by weight, obviously.)  But a narcissist society teaches to want to either be or be as close to Golden Triangles in order to be right or good.  And MSM seeking to find fulfill and validation either want to be the light or want to be in it close enough to distract from their imperfections.  I'm going to submit also though that some men prey upon the big boys because of the predatory desire for emotional, mental, social or financial resources that a big'un might have to compensate for their own lack.  We might even be able to extend this supposition to effeminate men and their admirers as well.

I know, a confusing mess right?  Doing workshops on this topic is difficult because it crosses into narcissism, body image, social values, health, etc..

How do we reconcile all of the above to healthy self images and achieve our goals of sustained, good relationships.  Do we check our dates on the BMI or by how worn out their New York Sports Club membership key-fob is?  Do you get even more impractical and decide that you'll only date someone whose physicality and facial structure represent optimal health for offspring when try as they might, same gender have never procreated.  Suddenly our biological imperative unconscious ability isn't of direct value.  And even more scary  as a man, how do you reconcile you're looking at a man for at the biological base, his reproductive capability which is also measured in hip, thigh and butt ratios,unconsciously?  Are we then as MSM looking at perfect bodied men and denying that biological observation or are we looking to them as the only viable candidates?

And maybe if we take it to the deepest internalized extremes, maybe that's why there's such a judgment around fats and fems---they represent a biological urge that can't be fulfilled by design.  Is the MSM community revulsion and judgment of them really self hatred at not being able to directly reproduce and therefore the obsession with perfect male beauty ideals the way we psychologically soothe ourselves from the deep unconscious sadness and rejection our biological desire being unfulfilled brings about?

So now you see (pun!) where this might leave you?  Confused, relieved and hopefully a bit more open to your errors and your openness towards others of all shapes and sizes.  I often tell groups of men that when they're together and bitching and moaning about there being no available or Good Men, what they're really revealing is how much of this construct, racial, societal, social, internal deficiency bullshit is on their windshields.  Happy men who are dating and sexual and being flirted with and having fun keep their mental windshield wipers on so that their reality is internally consistent with the external one.  They can therefore show their wonderful qualities no matter the Golden Triangle, 6 packed beauty of the car they're in.  They can also spot other cars and see clearly not only the physical form but what's on the windshields and even more imperatively, what's inside. 



Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/



Good Enough To Screw But Not Care For, Part 1

Awhile ago I was dating someone, the back and forth of when to meet, how to meet, meeting, common interests, etc. all occurring though we hadn't spent a lot of time together.  I accepted that it had more a sexual life than a relationship possibility but he had enough positive check marks that I was content with that.  Finally after a month or so we got to him inviting me over, I went and there came the moment of the decision of the moment, if you know what I mean.  I'd suspected this is what the invite was for so I came prepared with my Sex Kit-----wait, you don't have a portable Sex Kit?

Having been a teacher for lots of LGBTQQ men and women, particularly of those under 30 I teach (and practice) having a portable Sex Kit.  You can generally find a small leather or plastic pouch, maybe as big as a wallet where you can put in some fun contents.
BE PREPARED!

Sex Kit:

  • Condoms
    • You should have your size of condoms no matter your sexual position preference (hopefully you know your size)
    • You should have a few condoms that are regular and large (because you might not know his size until the moment)
    • I purchase my own brand of condoms for comfort and quality.  People and agencies assert that the free mass produced condoms are just as good.  There's a difference between Gruyere cheese and government processed.  Mass produced generally lacks quality.  In a pinch, free.  In life, you should take the time and money to outfit yourself properly.
    • Dental Dams (you might be a woman or a man, so this is good for cunnilingus or analingus and if you want to use this as a larger condom  so that there isn't as much constriction on the penis but it's designed to stay in place in the anus/sphincter muscles (they're also made out of polyurethane.)  They're expensive, about $5 for one but this is a product that you should seek out and take a few at your local health and sexuality agencies for free.
  • Handi Wipe Packets and napkins, travel lotion, travel mouthwash, toothpaste latex gloves--whatever little personal stuff you might need
  • Lubricant
    • Do you prefer silicone based, oil based, water based, a specially scented or tasting lube?
    • Polyurethane condoms and (female condoms) can be used with water, oil and silicone based lube.  Polyurethane condoms that aren't over sized like the free ones though don't have the elasticity of latex so you really have to buy the right size because it's essential Tupperware but that toughness makes it non-liquid or infection soluble. 
    • Regular latex condoms work with water based but not oil based.  You should assume responsibility for your own safety and comfort.
  • If packed properly it can fit into your jacket pocket, lube comes in flat packets so you can be ready with half a dozen condoms and half a dozen lube packets.

Ok, back to my fine booty call.  There was enough attraction to retire from the living room to the bedroom and some chatting and then the disrobing began.  
Oooh la la.  
Now he was fine.  
I'm going to say this picture isn't him but he was close to this kind of fine.>>>>>>>>  
I was happy and eager  to find out how much more happy I could get with him. 

The price of doing safe sex teaching and work is two fold---one, counselors and testers are one of the highest HIV infected professionals because the reasoning is that they now see so many clients in good health who are HIV+ that they lapse their own safe sex practices and are more sexual from burn out.  Secondly, more positively, is that all the information and strategies are always playing in your head.  When with someone, in order to not make it a clinical moment I try to use language and questions artfully to get answers.  So far he'd been Mr. Safe Sex in presentation so I said to him well I use Magnum condoms, did he happen to have any.  He said no.  I asked what kind he had.  He looked at me like I was a little spacey....and said maybe he had some mass produced NYC condoms in his closet.  There was nudity there was touching, we were on the bed---I realized he didn't intend to have safe sex----just generally speaking

Safe sex in someone's house looks like stuff on the nightstand, under the pillow, within arms reach.  (I once had a stuffed toy with a zipper that I kept on the bed.) If someone tells you, while you're undressed with them, they keep cheap condoms somewhere in a closet---they're not into safe sex.  For me, safe sex isn't simply me protecting myself, it's also a measure of the denial and hypocrisy another man may be going through about his belief about protecting himself from me and taking care of me from him.

When someone cares about you, they remember that you're a separate person than them and it may not be marriage/LTR but they still want to be extensive in their caring of you while with them. 

Now I had my sex kit with me in pocket but that understanding that he was cool with lack of protection also suggested to me not just what he thought of me by implication but also what he thought of himself.  Bluntly, he wasn't a virgin, so he knew the routine, around protection. Honestly, we kind of all do at this point.  And not everyone did what I did.  I got up, undressed and got dressed explaining that next time we should plan this better so that he have condoms on hand.  Now yes, I had mine and never disclosed that I had mine, but one, he never asked when I asked and two, he shrugged as if some men did this.  There was a little surprise and I think even a little bit of guilt but I got that either he knew his STD status or didn't and didn't care.

So now I was now with a Black man willing to see ill of me, a sexual assaulter if you will, perhaps even I had say cancer and he gave me one of many STDs, a murderer.  Woah, yeah, my concern for my health is that deep.

So I bounced.  Walking up the block thinking maybe I could give myself a little ice cream treat instead but also feeling satisfied, I'm not sure swelling with pride, but satisfied that I'd taken care of myself.  And that I'd walked my talk when I've told people in workshops that you have to be conscious and self-caring enough to get up and walk away when you realize who you're in bed with.

Because some men, even the really, really, really attractive ones, think you're good enough to screw but not take care of.


Enjoy!!!
Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast


Relationships Are Not 50/50, They're About Manhood

In response to emails about other TV shows and blogs that ask about relationships and how to balance them.  They'll never be exactly balanced and the desire to have it be 50/50 has more to do with a capitalistic box being forced onto individuals.  You and a partner will not always be comparable in the same areas. One person will make more money, perhaps even doubly so and can't expect the partner making less money to chip in 50% to the rent/mortgage.  A work around to that might be that if someone makes drastically more than the other party is responsible for utilities, cable, food.  Or there might be a time frame where one is in  school or unemployed and that is taken into account for their contribution.  That should mean though that maybe the house is sparkling clean, meals prepared, dry cleaning and laundry done for the other and social obligations managed.

Men tend to assume all men are like them rather than learn how men and women do to evaluate individuals based upon that individual.  Men with men also tend to ignore that a relationship isn't a service being met but a blending of lives to help support and enhance each other.  One of the things I've come to consider in relationships is that my employment must include domestic partner health insurance at only a minor bump in premiums, as well as making provisions for life insurance to be distributed to a partner and other family members without an issue and that requires a level of outness.  Using your money and resources with a  partner means that you can't play closest games any longer because there might have to be a joint bank account where both men (or women) have part of their pay deposited into or making sure that their partner is directly named in a will, as well as their control over a partner in terms of life ending health care.

MSM are able to negate dealing with the complexity of being a true relationship by assuming it's just sex, having dinner together and 50/50 when in fact real relationships in the 21st century demand a realistic eye at blending one's life and resources.  Honestly part of the joy of being a man, a real man is sharing one's resources.  And if you've got a partner who's been there through thick and thin then they too deserve some of the accolades for helping you maintain stability (physically and mentally/emotionally) during all your trials and tribulations.

Not having constant examples for what it looks like to be same gender partnerships/couplehood leaves MSM with more fantasy than reality when it comes to love.  I had to accept that specifically as a Black man I was gradually moving into a salary range that not all Black and Latino men enjoyed and that meant that if I wanted to go with a special someone to shows or restaurants I had to be conscious of offering to treat them and being clear that I was extending a gift to them and there was no quid pro quo involved.  For instance Plataforma Churrascaria is one of my favorite restaurants in Manhattan but it's no fun going there alone (though I have---its THAT good) so when the Plataforma mood hits me every month or so I might invite a new date there; a current paramour; friends or recently I took and adult son for his birthday.

Plataforma is based on the Brazilian delight of multiple kinds of cooked meats (pork, chicken, sausages, steaks, lamb, veal) and fishes/shellfish being brought table side on large skewers.  It's all you can eat based on a card that face up green means more, turned over red side means no more.  Then in the center of the restaurant is an island buffet about a hundred feet in circumference that has all kinds of veggies for salads  soups, sushi, shellfish, antipasto, etc..  While you're handling the buffet you get a checklist card for what hot sides you want for the table---steamed veggies, plantains, mashed potatoes and at the end they come along with a dessert cart that's six feet tall.  It's an experience to go there.  I personally love the variety, that there's a price fixe and that no matter what kinds of people I bring there, there's something to satisfy everyone.  But such variety is expensive, with drinks it can be as much as $100 to $150 per person.  I've been there on average once a month since I found out about it about 10 years ago but not every date/partner I've been with has been able to afford it on their budget.

I, though as a man, think that part of manhood is sharing my bounty with friends, lovers, children and animals lovingly, graciously without expectation of being "paid back" in anyway.  And I do mean anyway.  I've been there on first dates that I've never seen again.  I also like to send people flowers, huge arrangements and plants, cookie platters, cheese baskets and books and music and scarves and candy cane full Xmas cards.  A couple of years ago having moved into a new building I lost my damn mind and made 30 packets of sugar cookies for the every apartment in the building---I got one thank you card back but everyone was always in person nice and pleasant to me.  If I see a sweater or shirt or pair of slacks or coat for a lover or friend or student, I'm cool with picking it up. (I was once talked out of having a BMW on a lover's curb for his birthday with a big red bow on it.)  But I don't expect reciprocation for any of my gifts and I'm in no way thinking that I'm trying to buy someone's affections.  But my education and work history ad skills allow me to have these things to share but should I not share them with people because they can't afford it or have the same level of resources/access that I might?  Would that be loving?

Conversely I will tell you that I've been fortunate enough to have just by accident found myself dating a Broadway producer, a franchise hardware store owner who offered me a house and even a royal prince of the Ottoman Empire (no, really.)  And in those situations I learned to be comfortable with two words: thank you.  With accepting that someone else had more tangible resources and one Christmas I actually had an argument with someone because he was hurt that I hadn't chosen all of the options he'd given me for gifts.  I've only demurred twice, the house offer---it was for me to go to Bard College and I was looking at going elsewhere so it was a great offer but moot; and when the Prince who moved in with me wanted us to get a bigger place....on Park Avenue.  I said no then because we were just starting out and he wasn't sure if he was going to ultimately stay here in America and a $3000 to $5000 a month apartment is only cute when the Prince is on lock down for his share! lol

What I'm trying to convey is that in true manhood sharing is natural, it's one of the ways you can really see a real man.  You can see it in his generosity  his willingness to share what he has and give without reservation.  There are of course boundaries and there are of course people who will try and take advantage of your generosity in even a relationship.  But here's what I can tell you about parasites, they're extremely obvious.  They think you can't see them but you can and parasites never realize that the little thing they've gotten, a nice dinner, some clothing, a nice home to stay in----it's always the tip of the iceberg of what can truly be given to permanently transform a life.  Parasites tend to be consumed with the getting in the short term so most times you don't have to worry about being taken advantage of.  And parasites are only maybe 1 or 2 out of 10 or 100. When a man tells you how much he's concerned about getting hurt and used, he doesn't know how to set boundaries AND be generous.  He can hold it tight to his vest but some of what everyone is looking for in love in generosity.  You might be rocking Scrooge with twenties in your pocket but no one to dance to Silent Night with.  Also I've been on a few different budgets in my lifetime and what I've learned is that $10 today or $100 or even $1000 never broke me for the rest of my life.

Love, or better yet love being a verb, being loving, is about actions and patience and understanding that I might by virtue of my abilities be 70% of the financial in a relationship but you might be 65% of the emotional, the teacher for me to learn how to feel and be intimate in some ways.  Or maybe I'm the 75% brain of what to do with you who instead has 80% of the financial power.  You might be more of an extrovert so you'll have more of the social calender managed than I do and maybe I make sure that those hundred or so Christmas cards I send out a year (I eventually had to slow it down, I was literally spending a weeks pulling it all together! lol) get to your friends and family too.

If we only see a relationship as 50/50 we only get 100.  If we see it instead as multiplying my skills and resources with yours then you have healthcare (worth about $10,000 to $500,000 a year) or I have a nest egg when you pass away or maybe the way I'm shown love is by coming in to your newest food creation every night.  Men quantify resources and 50/50 as unfortunately a commodity or money based system when there are so many other wonderful and larger things that go into a relationship----and those elements can rapidly multiply your joint financial picture faster than two fisting a dollar.


Enjoy!!!
Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast


Infidelity: When (And Why) Men Stray......on to The Kyle Phoenix Show




Often times people send in really great emails to my television show (Keep them coming!  kylephoenixshow@aol.com. )  The Kyle Phoenix Show broadcast here in NYC, Thursdays at midnight on Time Warner Channel 56 (yes, shameless plug.)  Occasionally though there's an odd serendipity when a viewer writes in about not only a topic I'm versed in or have taught about, but individuals I know.  New York City, particularly the meanderings of men of color involved in hetero/homosexual relationships is well, but not abundantly cast.  Recently I got several whopper emails.

What's a television show host to do?  I've been letting the audience help me steer the television show, suggest topics, give me advice on topics to tackle and deliberately answering them.  I've even had the pleasure of show viewers coming up to me in public with positive things to say about the show, and in particular being able to articulate how the topics/advice has helped them.  Several emails have come in asking about infidelity, particularly men in relationships with men and sexual freedom vs. infidelity.

Let's start with the premise that you want to date or are in a new relationship or a long-term one and you start to suspect that your partner is creeping around.  How do you handle it?

1. Tell yourself the truth.

In the 21st century, you can't keep your head in a bucket and hope that it will go away.  You have to consider beyond even your own dignity and morality, there's STI's---Sexually Transmitted Infections---so you have to really think about the fact that someone bringing something home today can seriously affect your health tomorrow.

Secondly, you have to decide if you've got an agreement or did you just have an expectation?  This is where the flack is going to come in---so hold on---in a relationship, even in initial dating, you can't expect someone to hold the same rules/expectations that you do until you discuss them.  Men, women, men who are becoming women, women who are becoming men---everyone is a separate human being with a separate take on reality and relationships.

Everyone who emailed me about this, whom I emailed back with this point/question came back befuddled that they had never not only had a discussion (beyond---"I would burn up all your stuff if I ever found out!") but a:
  • directed negotiation, 
  • both people dressed, 
  • away from the bed (everyone promises fidelity in the moment, in the bedroom, in the heat of infatuation/love);

Both people then get to discuss and present their expectations on what fidelity looks like to them and you, and what the repercussions are if there is infidelity  In my early twenties I had a live in relationship with a young man and we discussed the two things that break up couples, particularly MSM:

  • Money
  • Sexual infidelity/problems

We created a simple rule system because we wanted to honor each other and the relationship But I personally and pragmatically felt that weren't going to be together for the rest of our lives and that I have more sexual experience than he did, so he might still have questions and desires.  Our agreement was if you find yourself in a position or feeling to be sexual outside of the confines of our relationship:

  • Invite the other one.
  • Tell the other one.

This allowed us to negotiate what action and timeframe around absolute fidelity looked like for us and that lead naturally to what the repercussions would be should someone break that agreement.  (He eventually did, more on that later.)

This also allows you to decide how soon to initiate your policy if the two of you are new to dating.  When you become sexual/intimate you should've had this discussion.  If you haven't and someone does there is a childish expectation of fidelity, perhaps even a justifiable one, but I don't think you can truly expect real integrity.


2. Our Love is Forever!  Probably not.

The relationship you're in, probably not forever, and even in long term relationships there will be challenges and perhaps even wanderings.  You have to evaluate is this a true LTR that has some legs because we've both made investments that lock us together legally, morally, socially:

  • we have kids, 
  • we are legally married,
  • we own property together,
  • we are on each other health insurance as well as life insurance 
  • we own a business together
  • we have shared monetary investments/dependency (one is helping the other through school or the primary breadwinner)
  • and are willing to seek maybe a counselor to work out problems because the investment we've made is so substantial.

(It should also become clear why heterosexuals can be so condescending towards homosexual relationships.  Even homosexuals view them with less weight---how many of the above have you or your friends done in the course of LTRs?  Most heterosexuals do this as a matter of course in their relationships, hence a legal system designed around alimony, palimony and divorce.  But socially disenfranchised homosexuals who haven't directly been taught the human system for building lasting relationships, haven't all entirely graduated to the accountability and responsibility levels due to the previous lack of expectation of them attaining this level of parity.)

However even if you and a partner are designing some of the above into your relationships then you might sill negotiate an "Open Period" around sex and sexuality within your relationship. That's far more normal in all human relationships than we publicly admit because our social discourse often isn't as advanced as our private meeting of the minds.

(Now anecdotally, first, in workshops/discussions I've found that the one who creeps is generally the more possessive one, exploding that there'd be new forms of hell if their partner cheated.....as they wipe the evidence off of their own egos.  Second, in the Open Period, one must make room for there perhaps being another gender your partner wants to be sexual with as well as your own.  But I'll go into this in another blog.  However, bluntly, you may not be enough for them because you don't have the right totality of equipment.  Fascinating.)


If it's a new relationships you have to decide did you have this discussion and if you did, that your boundaries were crossed, the agreement broken and therefore ending the relationship necessary.  People opt, men in particular opt of this because it brings up two sticky points---dealing with sexual jealousy/possessiveness and being emotionally expressive enough to discuss that you are in the orchard, but not the only apple of your lovers' eye.



3. Open Period.  Everyone Gets a Snack Attack or Three on A Match.

Some men (and women) agree with their partner that it's open with rules.

  • No kissing.  
  • Don't fall in love.  
  • Do tell me all the details.  
  • Don't tell me the details.  
  • Never in our home.  
  • None of our mutual friends.

That's a tricky agreement that only the deeply secure and enlightened can make (over a few years in a relationships seems the safest).  Takes some real discussions and understandings and security because sometimes A tells B that they agree when really A doesn't and B thinks they do and meets C.....and D.....and E and A loses it.  B is shocked and feels betrayed, A is deeply betrayed and its' a mess.  Know yourself.  To thy ownself be true.  Buyer beware.

Can it be salvaged afterwards if there's been creeping?  Yes.  But the Creeper has to be ready for a period of time as part of their penance to answer any and all questions about the creeping.  Its hard to imagine but your partner may need details to understand why, where, when, how and most importantly what you were seeking elsewhere.  Be honest.  Might as well at that point, right?

If you've been creeped upon, and its been a while, like years or a disease has popped up or everyone but you knew....ummmm....you have some serious holes in your relationships, time for a counselor and some discussions with your partner about such obsessive, sexually habitual behaviours.

I'm going to go out on a pink branch here and suggest you give it a chance, a real shot.  Maybe even a month or two before a definitive break up (if you're in an LTR) try everything you can to root out truth and salvage.  Only then can you decide that the infidelity is the reason to walk.

Last point, my young 20s ex.  Yes he cheated and I sensed it---actually the night after he did it.  (I was young but baby has always been perceptive.)  After several days of asking him if there was anything he felt I should know that would affect our relationship (yes, that would be defined as a passive-aggressive cat and mouse ploy, I admit it) he finally owned up to it.  But because we'd had several serious discussions about this possibility we had some tools and a relationship contract to negotiate what should occur going forward.  Most importantly, personally, I have a ironclad rule system about myself, sexuality, relationships:

  • I have management and control on my own crotch, no one elses.
  • That is your body, not mine as a possession nor should I expect that our relationship includes or occludes your natural sexuality.  You had it before me, during me, with me and will still have it after me.  Same for my own.
  • When people tell you or show you who they are believe them.  Don't play yourself, don't let them play you, don't blame it on the rain.  Look at it squarely, that's healthy self-respect.  Always tell yourself the truth.  Always. That's my/your pact with God for having a soul.
  • If I respect and value myself, there' s nothing anyone can do to hurt me that I don't choose to go through.  Why?  Re-read the above point.
  • There is no such thing as cheating.  You are not my possession, nor your crotch under my management, so if you choose to do something with it, technically, unless we have an agreement, I can't bitch too much about it.  Because it's not mine.
  • However, I reserve the right, as rights are extended to the other, if there has been a breach in our agreement around fidelity to decide how I will and will not interact my body, emotions, life with you.  Because just as yours are yours, mine are mine.

This had all been put on the table in our discussions are the parameters of our relationship so we decided not to breakup.  Then, like the young fool he was, he started to try and defend his infidelity by saying it was my fault.  By doing so he was trying to get out of accountability/responsibility for his actions and I decided to break up with him because of that action, not the sex he'd had elsewhere.  I understood then that we'd gotten together so quickly that I hadn't done a thorough character check up on him by dating before living together and he wasn't ready to change or grow nor match my beliefs and values around integrity.
In fact, he said it again at about 12 midnight.
I told him to get out at 12:04am.
Roseanne Arnold's show Roseanne was on and in the opening montage where she cackles?  She cackled on cue to the end of my saying "Oh, hell no.  Get out!"
He was out by 12:30am.

I've always seen that televised cackle as a sign about my pact with God.



Thank you,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on FaceBook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

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