Would you go "gay for the stay" if you were sent to prison?
It seems like based on male to male sex, being of an agreeable sexuality to desire from you to so many men would be comfortable. It's not.
From personal experience I can tell you sexuality, like most everything else in jail is both a weapon and a weakness.
As a weapon it exists as a way of controlling, manipulating and seducing men who are bereft of sexual, romantic attention. Whether more masculine or feminine, a sexuality that includes men allowed me to be more attuned, comfortable and attentive to the men. It drew titillated attention and questions from inmates and guards but in the confined space, suddenly its like being a woman there.
The weakness is that you get sexualized in the environment by literally fifty to seventy men in your pod. Say half don't care and another ten don't want to reveal titillated attention, that leaves 25 men who are attentive to you. That attentiveness isn't always healthy. One, 90% are committed criminals, so they aren't mentally stable, moralled humans by external society standards. This means sex is either transactional , possessive in a controlling fashion or exploitable by others.
Those 25 men then begin to both vie for and are malicious towards competitors, so favoritism becomes a problem. Who is it best to choose? Are they good enough, advantageous enough? Cute isn't going into that factoring. Are they strong enough to keep you and how do you gently but firmly rebuff continued advances? And you have to choose or maintain not choosing. Which means you have to spread your attention to the 25, continuously. It seems like a fantasy but your time In is now built into this workload of an unstable populace.
Issues arose from whom I played chess with, who I walked around the pod with, who gave me soda and chips, whom I helped write letters, who liked to watch me shower (the showers were open in the middle of the two tier pod and one of the few places you could be alone, in safe guard room view but it meant interested guards and prisoners could stand and watch you shower....and they did. One guard regularly took me from my cell to shower in front of him then when I was transferred to the pod, he would visit me. Guard attention, not a good thing amongst prisoners.)
Gay fantasy conviction is that its an abundance of your favorite ice cream, in fact its like being the only woman on a ship or island of men....and they all know you're a woman under your bland jumpsuit. With a stretch of time ahead of them, suddenly you, who supposedly are sexually amenable dont look half bad for a blowjob, forced, with all your teeth or maybe better without. Condoms aren't passed out so you're definitely getting HIV/AIDS.
Sexual mores takes on lower level thinking, like a bitch to be passed around a biker gang. The question isn't if you want that but rather who will get the,first shots off of you. Your sexuality is reduced to the lowest common usage so you either occupy it fully in the segregated pod, which is full of lgbtq....criminals, guaranteeing your one advantage is neutralized or you go into a Gen population. I chose Gen pop because it gave me greater confusion/advantages for the few weeks I was there. Also I figured that in gp more men would have trepidatious feelings even if interest was apparent and that hesitation would buy me time not to have to do anything.
Were there attractive men there?
PHDs. Pumped, Handsome, Delicious.
Did they make moves on me? Yes, several did. One drew a portrait of me, another vowed to protect me, I was given extra commissary treats at request, I was comforted excessively for being young and my first time there for a misdemeanor that became a violation, I was treated as a prize, or like a pig being fattened up for the slaughter. In that maelstrom I had to hide whom I found attractive. My leering shower guard was attractive and"nice" but rationally the power dynamic was out of whack. If you touch a guard, its a crime, assault. So say we did something and he didn't like it, we got caught or our affair soured, I could be open to his whim of an assault charge. Another guard had a reputation and three open cases against him for sexual impropriety with inmates, the others warned me about him. So I had a fully functioning"shark" to worry about as well and dodge but at the same time be compliant to the general directives of.
Does it sound exhausting yet? It was.
Plus the emotional trauma of just jail itself and I was fighting to stay alert to the strands of this complex web. How complex?
An inmate, ten feet away from the guard booth asked me to pass his razor in with mine. I was in line and did so. The guard went off on me because of what that could imply. Sure enough I turn and the inmate is watching the exchange, leering, hungrily. If the guard hadn't trumped the inmate, I would've been declaring myself "his".
Another time an inmate on his way to an appointment asked me to put his stuff in the dryer when his turn came up. Admonished again when I did it. Favors imply relationship.
Inmates began talking jealously about the inmate I walked the pod In circles with because he was handsome. So we had to change our routine, at the same time I had to consider his motivation as he was a professional gigolo, who did want my number for friendship outside of jail. Which I had to play off.
Fucking is more of a problem than relief, it was literally Dangerous Liaisons in orange jumpsuits.
Role play instead in your home because unless you bitch option in, it's of no pleasure and then of course you have to deal with a man, in jail, his manshit, he's a criminal and he's maybe situationally same gender screwing, so the contact comes with all kinds of caveats of no touch before 6pm, fetching for him, servicing him, losing weight, femming it up, odd sexual acts that only a fool in prison could create with peanut butter and jelly and too much damn free time to order around his new, vulnerable sex toy; he might even pimp you out.
The fantasy only works inside of titillated gay men's never been there fantasies. Kind of like their Black man, Latino man domination fantasies.....a whole other bullshit fantasy fetish.
Woe upon you if you're straight and sleight like Prince, if you're with segregated criminals or not, be ready for that train to be pulled on you.
Straight up, unmitigated, constant, music backed, micro toweled, sweaty, lubed, mostly condomed men fucking.
A whole floor. Cubicles. Monitors with hardcore porn playing. Doctors chairs with stirrups, operating tables, booths with windows, gloryholed cubicles, steam room, showers, lockers and sometimes fluorescent paint on chairs and such so only black lights are on.
The cubicles are like vending machines where you can see and sample varieties of carnal activity. Or in your cubicle put yourself up for use, invitation, initiation? It blurs.
It smells like sweat, various colognes and semen. Lots and lots of semen. You thought you'd whiffed its scent before but now you can practically see it misted in the air. And if you stand still, you can actually see semen misted in the air.
Loud grunts, moans, hissing, thudding, skin flapping and slapping. Gurgling, gargling, choking, gagging. Bedding rustling or mattresses sliding, squishing, squeaking, crunching. Squishing sounds. And if you stand still and squint you can see what's squishing.
Your sneakers feel large because your towel is all you have on and you feel self conscious, out of shape, a plebe, as chiseled dudes walk by to silent adoration. You feel better as you go deeper into the labyrinth and spot ginormous men with hair a plenty strolling with their num nums and candy chokers floating free. You briefly wonder about your position in the pecking, poking, poofing order until you see a 400lb man with a leather harness, baseball cap and flip flops earnestly trying to get his Pepsi can into a chiseled dudes ice box on the floor. And you realize you're in the DMZ of dignity.
You see men who look desperate, relaxed, happy, sad, demoralized, ashamed, amused and assessing of what they're looking at. So you too idle closer and look into the cubicle and you spot what looks like an interracial Jamaican bobsledding team going for the gold throughout the rest of the team's slaloms.
You stroll through the labyrinth realizing how....something..... men are. At first its a form of wonderment at the freakdom you've paid, $25-50 dollars to enter. Then you're titillated and liberated because of the nude, touchable, yummable Baskin and Robbins around you. It's like Lilandra, the Shi'ar Majestrix has kidnapped you and the X-Men because of your consumption of the D'Bari sun for execution. But at the last moment, your mentor Professor X calls for a trial by combat, his students, your family vs Lilandras Imperial Guard on the surface of the Moon. It doesn't go well. Ok, the X-Men get trounced but in the haze of battle, you who have lived with psi baffles against your power-sexuality think fuck it and tear down those shields.
Now and forever....you are Phoenix, love incarnate!!!!!
In this joint.
And that is your favorite song playing because groove is in the heart, right?
So you watch for the code, the signal, the foot taps, the slide overs and slide sways, the inviting brush of a hand, the inveigling beckoning of fingers, lips, hobbles , jibbies and occasionally a northward pointing kickstand. You even learn to move away, shake your head so subtlely that only a Sotheby's auctioneer could adroitly note your refusal-----wait, isn't that the auctioneer from Sotheby's?
You are the Phoenix.
And this, literally, a fucking smorgasbord. No, really that group over there on the gym mats are doing the Fucking Smorgasbord made popular in the basement of an after hours theater in Hamburg that plays the same five Ingmar Bergman films.
After partaking of the peach fuzzy cupcakes, a white not chocolate Mr. Goodbar, a few tasty 7 Ups and one surprising little wanton Wonton, you're spent.
And with your unique sex funk released into the black lit atmosphere , you notice a level of sadness, desperation, regret.
Like a couples blind date with Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid or allowing Vivica A. Fox to give you her 50 Cent booty polishing. It seemed like a good idea, that they would not treat you as you know Wilmer Valderrama and....well, 50 Cent said they would.
You see the gaping maw of the bathhouse /sex club lifestyle. Like when you have extra drinks and chat up a group in a bar and the lights go on----because the motherfuckers closing....and you suddenly realize that if you don't leave, posthaste, you'll become one of "those" people.
Not the ones who partake of this private Fuck Buffet every few years but one of the...regulars.
I had never heard of this before reading a few articles about it recently but it is supposed to be the concept that receiving partner of penetrative sex (or bottom) is somehow inferior or lesser than the giving partner (or top).
Is this prevalent in the homosexual community?
Yes. Chauvinism and misogyny dont vanish from ones context simply from same sex engagement as so many lgbt people would like to believe. Raised in a society that instills sexism and racism from law to land to entertainment, we're in undated to not to want to be women, or pussies.
Imagine one of the greatest debasing insults for a man to another Is not to reduce his personality ---you're stubborn or you're not thinking things through or you have obvious gaps in your knowledge but you're a pussy, a cunt, you suck dick, you're a cocksucker.
Interestingly enough when I was 21 my mother was fixing, loading her gun as I was driving us to a business meeting of hers at a nightclub. She was grousing at dealing with the club owner for a modeling/fashion show she was putting on and kept referring to him as a cocksucker. Finally she noticed it was making me uncomfortable and clarified that she meant it pejoratively to his personality, not as a sleight towards manhood or my sexuality and then she affirmed that no matter what I did in my personal life, I was a man, I was not a cocksucker.
I had of course by then been Out bristled at words but I thought about how manhood can be tied to words of misogyny and chauvinism and how now that I was moving into a gay community bottoms were the lowest form of gay men next to trolls, the unattractive, or old men.
I think not only does the rampant literal fire torch wielding mob of gay men who proudly yell they one, aren't effeminate and two, they might befriend an effeminate but could never be in a relationship with one because if they wanted a bitch or titties on their back they'd just be with a woman----they could of course shut off their homosexuality like a faucet. And two all the pejorative words are female based or related.
I've personally found all of the men who demand masculinity and claim heightened masculine as the most feminine. I once dated a guy who kept relating in conversation that he was a bottom and masculine, ad nauseam.
One, I was dating him for said bottomness and Two, he was effeminate. On a scale of 1 to 10, a solid 6, 7. He often said honey and oooh, girl. He later relayed in college his nickname had been Beiotch. When I expect he was a 9.
I think it must be really hard to be a bottom, not the best aspect to share at Thanksgiving with aunts, the desire to be filled by a man, penetrated, smashed, banged out, done well, left sore, the drum beat, legs sore, ass tingling.
That's not the social image we have of men and lgbt people for all their language about diversity, want deeply to be included...and to be included means the norm rests in the majority. So bottoms, 85% of the msm population are a minority within society, men who voluntarily seek to be penetrated. The idea of penetration literally alien to basic male heterosexuality. And women, still second class citizens----notice they're hags, fag hags, not fag queens or divas----men still slighting women for existing and women embracing the denigrating language.
The vulnerability of being a bottom or the converse of my date, the self proclaimed power bottom---because someone, other gays and women are powerless bottoms?---has got to be anxiety filled. To tell a man that you want to be vulnerable and penetrated must require salvaging by the frail but wide male ego and the rest of us denigrate it for positionality, moans, hisses, gasps, feces and hair deposits, the highest infected with STDs, the 85% abundance---making a bottom seem replaceable and disposable----leaves bottoms prevalent but as viable men, useless to men raised with chauvinistic and misogynistic beliefs. Its got to be even more of a mindfuck for your core desire, beyond even the judgment of same sexing, to be pleasure in that position.
The best thing I can say from experience was I dated this guy Jerry who glories on his bottomness. He spoke one of his body, his maleness, his ass, his anus, his prostate with a connected masculine-feminine spirituality that literally made me make every effort to fuck him well and often....because it made him happy.
I wish that intense, self connected pleasure to every bottom and encourage fellow tops to help bottoms feel and express that ecstasy, its a beautiful thing to witness and participate in when all the bullshit is out of the way.
I would take days off of work just to roll and rut with him, you hear me!
Kyle Phoenix (This answer originally appeared on my Quora page) Follow Me on Facebook, Quora or Twitter www.kylephoenix.com
Question: I don't quite understand why they are on such friendly terms in private.
When both characters are sitting in the Study, Stephen simply sits there drinking. He doesn't ask for permission to drink or to sit down. Not only that, but he calls his master by his first name (Calvin) rather than "Sir" or "Mr Candie".
Yet, in public Stephen puts on this massive charade. And does anyone know why he pretends to have a limp? It seems so random and pointless!
I'm amazed and saddened that no one can clearly see what Stephan is due race.
He's his mentor.
It is simply the time they live in that means his true role, intellect and influence must be carefully obscured.
The other answers I think assume constant subjugation and domination in slavery and lack of superior ability and intellect from those that were owned. Slavery because its precept is irrational becomes an irrational reality, that even in imaginative viewers of fiction, coupled with racism demands Black subjugation no matter the race of the viewer. We're conditioned to only be able to perceive Stephan one way.
He is the father figure, the Aristotle, the Plato.
Much as Schultz is mentor to Django, his father figure, Aristotle, Plato.
The contrasting play is on how men were grown and groomed in this society based on the insane social construct of race. As with all fiction, its predicated on the device of what if....?
What if a White man mentored a Black man in that time period and undid, liberated him from his social shackles?
What if a slaveowner was actually mentored by a Black man?
Then you have the two collide.
(This answer originally appeared on my Quora page)
Lack of courting women and childcare responsibility for at least 10-20 years of adulthood. Even if they partner with another man, its highly unusual for a man, without children, to be a house husband, so there's additional income. I'm not very vain/high appearance maintenance but I routinely try out soaps, cleansers and use high end shampoo for bubble baths. I order FreshDirect food online, have takeout at least once a week and average a restaurant once a week in a slow year. I wear mainly cotton, wool, natural fibers 90% of the time. I've bought $50 socks---Donna Karan, a gym membership at $100 a month, my dentist is on Central Park South, my doctor on the Upper East Side, I like/buy Emporio Armani suits....socks and ties. I fast shop at Whole Foods and other middle to upscale supermarkets so food is fresh, I can go organic, less pesticides. I try to walk jog 20 miles a week to exercise and think----no kids, no ltr partner means I can do tho for hours on end, simply attend to myself.
2. More free time to research. I teach the video Food , Inc and I regularly watch films and read books, just finished Tools of Titans and a caveat from Ferriss the,writer was to pay attention to which interviews you gloss over. So I geared down on the health sections and have made Time and money investments in increasing my insurance coverage for health additives, upgrades, etc..
3. I have more sex.
Sex is both calorie burning when you do it for a few hours, as I prefer, and lowers blood pressure and risk of heart disease. In a good year I have maybe 12-15 hours of sex a week.
4. More relaxed lifestyle than heterosexuals
The positive side of a gay culture is its much happier, more parties, spontaneous vacations, more fun/superficial if you chose to engage or get lost in that. As men we "play" more.
5. Work balance is different.
I only do work I love or enjoy. I technical work 2 1/2 days a week and running my own micro business means I can do it the other days or not or overlap work to those 2 days. Not having children, marriage yet means I'm less stressed.
6. Black don't crack.
7. Native Blood heals.
I'm part Narragansett Indian, coupled with some sturdy African and Irish/Scottish stock there are genetic benefits. But not smoking, rarely drinking, never having done drugs----food and exercise are life nuclear fuel to keeping my skin elastic, collagen gleaming, I tan nicely. Diabetes is offset by my paternal lineage, cancer is rare in my family but heart disease isn't so I exercise medium to high.
8. I practice safe sex 100% of the time
The messaging worked with me and I get antsy when it's even in the state of the city of the neighborhood of unsafe. But that eye on biological infection makes me health conscious to injuries, if I have a bump or bruise, I'm less likely to let it go unchecked.
9. Higher education and peers
I'm saturated in knowledge on health, too excess by the super in shape gays. The ones who intently explain juicing and powders and kettle balls----the sub community I engage to is health and appearance conscious.
10. Being on tv weekly I see myself, I see weight gain, I see how I appear and sound. Now ironically I'm not as self conscious or narcissistic but I have a near constant barometer.
In gay culture its like being a woman and a man, you're conscious of your appearance in a heightened way because men assess you. Hetero men dont feel the same sense of conscious scrutiny from men and women, maybe just women.
I want to stress how I'm maybe a 5 on the gay self consciousness scale because my life work is more intellectually mentally focused. Most men are rocking on a level 8 around me . They are much more intense about looking good, I rate as well put together, but damn near heterosexual on self attendance , I am low maintenance comparatively speaking. I would put heterosexual men at a 3 on the scale, high end a 6. Which is still beat by the gay 8.
The most extreme looks thing I do is vary razors, shave properly and I went to a dermatologist for a couple of years for better skin regimen. I also use Noxzema every once in awhile. :)
(This answer originally appeared on my Quora page)
Question: My parents and I live on section 8, low income housing and getting food stamps, I'm really sick and tired of this shit.
A lot of the below answers are very good, the problem is they are Middle Class solutions. Poverty is made up of at least 11 dimensions, only 1 being financial. the others are social, education, racial, sexuality, health, mental, emotional, language, hidden societal rules of class advancement, generational attitudes-influence.
Which is why poverty isn't solved with get a job or a better job that's a MC solution. Poverty is a whole culture, mindset and morals/values that only make sense in poverty. Poverty thinks it is all of reality but is only 15% of the US population, so poor people can only see reality with a lens open 15%.
What I have done with students is over time, 3-5 years taught/mentored them out of poverty. Honestly it doesn't always work , what you're feeling is the gravity pull of poverty. First, accept that your family/parents tactics are right for survival but not prosperity. You have to accept them without judgment.
Because you're going to have to leave them in first thought and then form.
It will feel like a form of social and psychic suicide but to get yourself and then maybe them out, you must refuse their way of thinking.
Much of what they believe is limited, wrong or warped by poverty.
How they believe people and the world are is limited, wrong or warped by poverty. Therefore, what you believe is limited, wrong and warped.
You need a mentor.
Several in fact. Make a chart for ones for school, work, life skills. Teachers, older people who are, and this is important, NOT like you.
Your friends must be the managers at work, not your coworkers. Your friends at school must be the teachers and administrators not other students. For work skills go to your local unemployment office/work force. Take the resume writing class. The job search class. The basic/advanced computer classes. Find what you can for free.
Here's your first contradictory thought:
Find an internship.
You need deep exposure to non-poverty environments. The concept of working but not receiving direct money is anathema to the poor but everyone in MC has a period of time that they did so. We normally don;t recognize it directly. And we gain exponentially more than money.
Undergrad, I TAed for 2 professors. There were no undergrad TAs in the SUNY system. I wandered to the work study office and asked could the professors sign off on hours for me under the department rather than my working in the library or shredding papers in the office. They said sure and i became not only a titled TA but a paid one. I would've done it for free and had been for months until I made the connection. $1500 a semester wasn't much but after a couple of years my work study was increased as if I were a grad student until I was getting $3500 like a grad student. More importantly I got 2 and then 2 more professors who trained me to write and teach in multiple discipline areas, plus recommendations ---they actually told me to write them myself, with the prestige of the title I was invited onto high university committees, the school VP whom I'd met twice remembered my name and a year later, though he'd left Buffalo, just based on a plea phone call from me , gave a stellar recommendation to my first post graduate job making $46k a year. Plus I had teaching as a learned skill which a few years later I could turn into solid work experience for teaching jobs, a career switch after five years of corporate experience. All of that stemmed from my willingness to be an unpaid TA.
No children. Until you're at least over 30-35.
Every poor person, who stays poor makes this huge error. Many of my brightest students are now hampered by children and of maybe twenty, only 1 with a child will make it because he possesses an incredible work ethic.
You can love. You can play around. No children.
Survey poor people. Lots of children or lots of siblings.
Children are wonderful but legally each one is 17% of your income in child support until they are 21, or 20$k plus a year and maybe college. two coworkers, one in his forties, just finished child support of 21 year old, another was a grandfather before he finished paying off from two marriages, a third makes 150k but owes 25k in back child support even though he sends in regular money but by owing arrears it keeps increasing, he doesn't file taxes so they wont take it but conversely he ends up paying 73 %, in fed, state , local, sales taxes because he doesn't have MC or higher financial management skills (he owes the irs 10k)he may make a lot but he's still in financial poverty, because he grew up affected by the other forms of poverty, for work hes a construction laborer, basically the site garbage/maintenance man, he is however intelligent and could be a foreman or higher but has social poverty---bad manners/habits. in total taxes so his 150k he cant offset the taxes....and hes got a second child, not married to the mother on the way. Ironically, White earning a high salary he and his girlfriend live in poverty so he deals drugs on the side.
Statistically speaking if you're below 25, you have a lifespan of 80-100 years with health maintenance. You can wait. It is the biggest kryptonite. If you're gay, an STD like HIV is the equivalent of a child. You now have a lifelong project to manage that impacts your life. The cost of 27 years of HIV management is $600k, which is why so many positive people without healthcare move to Chicago, san Francisco, NYC and Atlanta for HIV welfare called HASA. Stay healthy, no children.
I regularly take male students to CVS and Duane Reade where I directly buy them condoms. Always buy your condoms. Free government condoms break, particularly for men of color because of girth differences in penises.
My parents chose to only have one child when she got pregnant in college with my father because her sister had three children, her brother had three and her other sister seven children. My parents realized that they would repeat their parents poverty, lower class instability if they had more. My mother chose my father because he was in school and even though they broke up after I was born they married ten years later and if they hadn't of divorced my mother was considering having more children but with the caveat that it be by the same responsible father as all of my cousins have various parents so cohesive parenting was impossible. No children. Your people will fight this because in poverty one, children are possessions that affirm adult self worth. Highest rank for a woman is mother and a boy becomes a"man" because he has children.
This is warped thinking from the Agrarian age when we were on farms and children were free labor and the farm could help sustain us as a brood.
Relationships? Date, yes. But this will be harsh, do not date other poor people. They will reinforce what you're trying to unlearn. It's vicious, its harsh.
My mother gave me this advice: Fuck up, never fuck down.
Other students who are from MC homes or are MC themselves. If supremely possible, someone five to ten years older. Older spouses will help you grow faster.
Stay a free agent or get married with the above criteria in a year of dating. Set a standard for a relationship. Marriage is one of the biggest criteria for avoiding poverty. Doubles income, lowers stress. Your intended must have a comparable plan and education to yours. Its the 21st century and you both must work, no kids, educate for awhile. I have a coworker, 35, married two kids. He's a poverty wrap in spite of a supervisor trying to mentor him. No advanced schooling, wife doesn't work, children before 30 so their income is supplemented by Welfare, food stamps, etc.. They are literally from generational poverty so their parents can't teach them MC or higher skills and standards.
Use Welfare or Unemployment benefits how they are intended.
If you hit tight spots, food stamps for food, especially when you are a student. I was working five jobs as an undergraduate, because my mother took away my trust fund for not going to the university of her choosing---MC and Affluence come with other challenges, like control . I got sick and the only way I was allowed to return was if I didn't work. (I still worked two jobs, TA and Mobil gas station overnight.) But I found out from a fellow student, that students could get full benefits from Welfare. Rent and food and minuscule cash, Buffalo rates, about $600 a month but I stayed in school and working. If you have to work under the table---bus boy, waiter, coffee shop, bartender but never ever stop working in some fashion.
Unemployment, I waited three five months after I got laid off before I took money by living off of savings, day trading and registering in grad school, then I took benefits and it was like pay to go to school. I continued working by volunteering to teach classes at Columbia and four months later they hired me fill time, the previous job I volunteered to teach classes to get my students into their program while a youth coordinator but when a program coordinator position came up, I was several people picks, including the Exec Director of GMHC, she got to know me at volunteer events and kept extending offers. I got the youth coordinator position while working as at a charter school down the block and volunteer teaching. The youth coordinator suddenly quit, a week after I was laid off, I was about to take a paralegal job at hedge fund but the other Exec Dir had noticed my volunteer work and said if I left A give him a shot at me, which is how I got to B and then I was scooped up by C, technically three layoffs but I was out of work, on vacation about three days over those seven years because I was paid sometimes for a new job while ending the old. I accepted C, the day before B laid me off.
Volunteering and interning creates your network.
Get a pack of Avery business card blank sheets, print your name, phone number, professional email and computer skills, sales skills, work skills on the backside. Your email should bluntly be your name and Gmail. Nothing cute. Separate your professional life. Two Facebook's. One is just to link with coworkers, jobs, supervisors. Nothing else. Two linkedIn accounts. I've had the same professional email and cell number for 16 years.
You must control your social media and have cards to hand out to people. As of 14 my mother had me working on and updating and always carrying both a paper and digital resume, also one in a draft email in your professional account.
At 14 my resume said my name, address, email, number, Charles Fried Chicken where I worked delivery and Pathmark supermarket where I was a cashier, and then Wendy's by the time I was 16. I have shown up to every interview in a shirt, tie and suit. If you have to buy a suit, black or dark grey at Goodwill. I generally take male students to KG or Men's Warehouse and het them two suits. No tapered cuffs, basic white or blue shirts, red or black ties, no sagging, no garish jewelry. Poverty is projecting identity in fashion, Middle Class is fitting in. Yes it can seem boring and bland but it is easier to start tight and be told you can go casual, as has happened to me. But the other way around I was 17, applying for a bike messenger job with my resume, suit and tie for an after school job. I got it. It looked like it would be grueling.
I wandered to the 34th street mall here in Manhattan. A&S , like Macy's was there. I wandered in. A schoolmate worked there, she told me to hurry to H&R downstairs they were hiring for cashiers for the holidays. I went, filled out application turned in with resume. Thirty minutes later Jim Johnson this huge red headed White man brings me into his office. He's the VP. I'm 17. He says I'd be perfect for a Sales Associate position in the Boys Department. I think its too much, I plead for basic cashier job at a whopping $7 an hour. He says no SAs get $7 plus 8% commission once you're out of the red on your overall sales quota part time of $2000 a week. I barely understood what he said. I beg for the cashier job. For an hour Mr. Johnson works on convincing me. Finally he explains that the candidate before me, ten years older came in wearing a Bart Simpson tshirt and jeans and here I was in a suit and tie for a bike messenger job with a fully typed resume. He would put me thru two weeks of paid intensive training and I'd be great because I showed up for a low job as a little professional. I figured two weeks fulltime was four weeks part time and at least four weeks on the sales floor before they found me out and fired me. Eight weeks pay. I took the job. I was pulling in $1000 a week part time a month later because I religiously used their sales techniques.
Take every class and training offered, pointedly sales.
Work for Macy's, I've worked at Lord &Taylor, Bells, WalMart , MCI during school---high sales training is invaluable to get you out of your shell, comfortable with higher classes, confident.
Lastly, get therapy.
Your family is dysfunctional. Accept it. Growing up in poverty means warped ideas about gender, equality, sexuality, race. I have had two therapists for a year each. The first taught me how to dismantle dysfunctional coding. My parents weren't poor as adults but grew up on the edge of MC and adopted alcohol and drug addiction issues as much, 80% of my family has. They though were able to get to solid MC and a point of Affluence, the next level after MC.
The second year, in my thirties was to manage career. I then graduated from her to a life coach. The coach was $1800 for 6 months and helped me refine and build a small business plus prepare to leave Job B above for Job C.
I have annually done both iterations of Tony Robbins Personal Power series---it works! Join a business networking group, Toastmasters to speak, learn write essays, letters, emails well. Please, excuse, thank you. No violence. Table manners. Set a standard. I belong to a networking and business development group, I am always seeking smarter people than me....and avoiding others.
One of mine is restaurants must have linen tablecloths and tip 15%. The standards seem odd, high but the person you must become and the work you must do are the overall intention. The Brookings Institute , Ruby Payne Annette Lareau and Freakonomics are excellent materials I use to teach students how to navigate out of poverty.
Kyle Phoenix (This answer originally appeared on my Quora page) Follow Me on Facebook, Quora or Twitter www.kylephoenix.com
I went to Nassau in the Caribbean for 10 days. It was HOT. No, no, no——like paradise in Hell hot. I spent two days just luxuriating in the king sized bed and going at night to the casino and dinner when the sun went down. But slowly I inched out day after day——beach, volleyball, parasailing, lunch, shopping.
By the fourth day I was significantly darker.
By day six I was actually about five or six shades dark—-luckily I had a speedo bathing suit with long crisscrossing shoulder straps and high leg cuts so I got dark everywhere.
By day seven I was actually peeling—-I’d never peeled before.
By day nine, I’d scrubbed and lotioned off all of my peeling skin and was a really dark mahogany, normally I’m a mid to light cinnamon—-not that you really think about this——I notice the extremes think about color—-White, light Blacks and very dark Blacks——those of us in the mid light to medium really don’t)
By day 10 I was ready to go, just as I was getting used to the extreme heat——did I mention it was hot? I’m not a big heat person.
So yes, I tanned and in my nether regions and the criss cross of the straps I had tan lines but the crotch area is much darker—-due to blood mass?—-so it was harder to tell there—-however all along my side/back there were ines.
In NYC I go to the beach sometimes 4 days a week in the summer and I get about two shades darker, especially in the face.
It’s just melanin, not a force field.
(This answer originally appeared on my Quora page)
"Don't let me catch you with no ugly boys in polyester and keep doing your crunches, get that booty to bubble. Find your fashion style. Don't make friends with too many mean girls. Is that the captain of the football team? Go say hi. You never know. Are you experimenting with girls ? Do we need to talk about this? This is a dildo this is a flesh light, this is lube, this is a condom. Any questions? Is that the captain of the basketball team? Go say hi. You never know. Lets table the talk on tattoos until you're 18. Ok now if its your jam you want to get to the center of the dance floor, just elbow mofos out the way and then occupy stillness, a light swaying then hit them with bam, boom boom, cha cha and bringing it home, move them hips, pop that pelvis. Is that your new principal? Introduce me, I'll just say hi. You never know. Young man, that comment was rude, you have to learn to keep somethings to yourself, I'm deeply disappointed you would say that to an adult----but as a straight bitch read, you read that trick to filth----don't let that nun come for you! You're going to wear THAT? No, no, no, its up to you.....but the captain of the football team might be there --- that's all I'm saying. First base kiss, second is blowing, third is rimming, a homerun you have your sex kit in your book bag, right? Then enjoy the prom. Ok, now every month I put a little something aside for your wedding or children, a surrogate, adoption fees, your cousin, kidding. But that garment bag over there is my Armani tuxedo and hopefully one day you'll wear it as I walk you down the aisle. And this is real platinum, you can use it as an engagement or wedding ring. Raising children is fun and wonderful but if he's gay and not just temporarily fascinated with dream Barbies and Madonna holograms, you'll do fine, you were the best son I could have ever had. You were also the only one I could afford I told them to give me the runt of the litter who knew that chin cleft was a testicle holder-----ha!, bitch, you didn't see that one coming did you? Teach you to tell the doctor I'm senile. There he is now. Go over, say hi. You never know......"
(This answer originally appeared on my Quora page)