The Kyle Phoenix Blog: Sexuality

It is a pet peeve of mine. MSM telling me or broadcasting how discreet they are. And I always wonder when they announce it to me or in general: whom are you being discreet from? who are these mysterious yet observant people who are watching you and your sexuality behavior all the time? When did this Association of Sexuality Patrols decide to observe, you or I? And a better question---what will they do when they observe you "acting non-heterosexual"?

Is there a public torturing, like a stoning? I suppose if you live in that kind of society, that one should be discreet. But let's say you live on the isle of Manhattan with me, who are you hiding from? Or maybe the person(s) you're hiding from are actually phantasms in your head? Let's say those projected shadows of moral exactitude catch you hugging someone, walking with someone, chatting with someone, God forbid, showing affection towards someone---what will they do to you?

I know it can seem silly to question this but a broader question arises---is this really a man announcing this? I mean to my family, to the fathers, manhood didn't involve shirking or terror and worry over what other men and women thought of them. So, just for me personally if you announce you're "discreet" I equate that to a "punk". Nothing to do with your sexuality mind you, the insult is to your manhood. How much of man is constantly hiding himself segmenting his identity for the known or unknown observers? And you want a relationship? Laughable.

Maybe that's why so many MSM report to be masculine acting---instead of manhood acting? Masculinity being an acted, put upon personality action. While manhood is one's inherent character to actions. Maybe if one is already acting "masculine" then being discreet is another layer of the neurosis pie? How come MSM aren't manhood acting or seeking manhood acting men?

Hmmm? Just thoughts....

Thank you for reading and if you liked this check out the other blogs or one my books on Amazon.com,

Kyle Phoenix
Enjoy!

Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenix.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Kyle Phoenix on YouTube, Twitter and Quora

Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday 11:30pm simulcast

For years I've watched one of my theories play out in print, online, in person, on dating sites, in person---homosexual/bisexual men don't really like men. I don't mean that they lack a sexual interest in them but that they tend to dislike men. Here's the challenge I presented to myself online for a month---scroll through all the men who are open, at least online, about their sexuality and count the number of times they posted something positive, loving, thoughtful, appreciative or complimentary about men in general. You know, good news. I also counted in the kinds of questions that people facilitate across Facebook, the responses and the owner of the threads responses to the responses.

I found that lots of men professed knowledge of men, intimate knowledge, were even confessional about themselves but most were bordering on or definitely, misandry (the dislike, hatred of men) based feelings and thoughts. That in truth---wait for it---most the really vile attacks on MSM didn't come from non-MSM who were expressing some homophobia but from MSM themselves. The demand for good men, which sparked workshops from me for years and then a book, to the demand for loyalty and honesty and trust and fidelity. Maybe it's because I have multiple Facebook pages for individual posting, pages for books, for TV show repsonses, for the blog but from say about 1 million men, mostly of color, there was a lot of hateration going on.

Some of it sounded sort of like women-based disappointment at finding an appropriate mate, a sort of infused gender bias. But then I have to consider that while there are other genders besides exclusively male and female, it's easiest to compare MSM in distress to females. Perhaps even MSM are another gender category? I think this as I scroll through and receive emails from so many men, such a diversity of identity, with a sexual attraction to men at their core. Yet I've found myself at times interceding with gentler (surprising my own damn self!) interpretations of men's behavior. I find I do this a lot in workshops too. That it's not quite like being the voice of reason as the voice of compassion towards MSM. That they will make mistakes, be in error, screw up, hurt feelings. I suppose I can see how men, far more sensitive than women, end up going to war so often---there's such a lack of general gentleness towards men, from men. Though they all are men who were bullied, maligned and assaulted as much as you, perhaps even more due to their sexuality. I then question, in person, do you really expect to find this wonderful "soul mate" giving off that apathy towards men in general?

That really strikes me---on dates, in email, watching online---men tearing into other men, saying how soooooooooooo many are distrustful, hateful, lack fidelity and yet create a dissonance around two men: Themselves (I'm not the bad guy but let me tell you about the one's who are) and Mr. Perfect (that mystical man out there who is observing me and will be acutely listening to me and excuse my judgment of men in general, all men, as including him....though technically to talk about "men" as just a category, I'm including him).

Is it internalized projected homophobia? It would be interesting to see a large Facebook Group do a banning of saying anything negative about men for a week, no, make it a month. 30 days to observe the wellspring of discord abated. Perhaps even among MSM of color it's also a way of reflecting racism and discrimination---we often decry that racism can't occur from the disenfranchised because of a lack of systemic power. But what if men are making a damn good try at it?

It strikes me then that MSM really don't like each other because of what the other represents and the identity fervor to be the "exception" to this internalized, misaligned rule. That if I can make myself good---I call it the Better Nigger (Faggot) Syndrome---"I'm better than you though we're essentially the same in the discrimination we suffer, but I want our mutual oppressor to prefer me." And that of course is so very attractive to silent men, passing by men who might find you attractive and interesting? But if they see that what you truly offer is attack, vitriol and criticism then the ones who do engage you would probably be the most disturbed, no?

Therefore, you attract men, how you speak of men, eh?

Thank you for reading and if you liked this check out the other blogs or one my books on Amazon.com
Kyle Phoenix
Enjoy!

Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenix.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Kyle Phoenix on YouTube, Twitter and Quora

Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday 11:30pm simulcast

5 Easy Ways To Increase Your Manpower

A testosterone shortage could cost you your life. As if losing muscle mass, bone density, and your sex drive to low T levels wasn't bad enough, new research shows the decline can also increase your risk of prostate cancer, heart disease, and even death. Follow these steps to lift your levels and lengthen your life.
1. Uncover Your Abs

As your waist size goes up, your testosterone goes down. In fact, a 4-point increase in your body mass index, about 30 extra pounds on a 5'10" guy, can accelerate your age-related T decline by 10 years. For a diet that'll help keep your gut in check, try the all-new Men's Health e-book, The Six-Pack Secret. You'll learn how to sculpt rock-solid abs in 4 weeks. We believe it's the most effective muscle-up weight loss program ever.
2. Build Your Biceps

Finnish researchers recently found that men who lifted weights regularly experienced a 49 percent boost in their free testosterone levels. "As you strengthen your muscles, the amount of testosterone your body produces increases," says David Zava, Ph.D., CEO of ZRT Laboratory. You need to push iron only twice a week to see the benefit.
3. Fill Up On Fat

Trimming lard from your diet can help you stay lean, but eliminating all fat can cause your T levels to plummet. A study published in the International Journal of Sports Medicine reveals that men who consumed the most fat also had the highest T levels. To protect your heart and preserve your T, eat foods high in monounsaturated fats, food such as fish and nuts.

4. Push Away From The Bar

Happy hour can wreak havoc on your manly hormones. In a recent Dutch study, men who drank moderate amounts of alcohol daily for 3 weeks experienced a 7 percent decrease in their testosterone levels. Limit your drinking to one or two glasses of beer or wine a night to avoid a drop in T.

5. Stop Stress

Mental or physical stress can quickly depress your T levels. Stress causes cortisol to surge, which "suppresses the body's ability to make testosterone and utilize it within tissues," says Zava. Cardio can be a great tension tamer, unless you overdo it. Injuries and fatigue are signs that your workout is more likely to lower T than raise it.

Enjoy!!!

Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenix.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Kyle Phoenix on YouTube, Twitter and Quora

Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday 11:30pm simulcast

Seduction: Power Bottoms, Shifting Tops, and Anxious Versatiles, Part 1 by Kyle Phoenix

The dilemma of the modern day homosexual is the art of courting. You want to meet a man that you'll have some chemistry with, like and maybe even fall in love with. But you're both coming from varying skill levels of how to engage. In fact engage is the wrong word---let's advance the language. Seduce. You're trying to seduce a man (and he you.) First, seduction is knowing that it's not simply getting to the sexual act but the enticement to be intimate, to open one's self to another. To let your hair down emotionally and be open ad vulnerable to another man.

There has come about the term "Power Bottom", a Bottom who is in some sort of power or controlling position. And like most things this is both good and bad. It might be good if you're targeting more shy or reserved men but ironically most Power Bottoms tend to desire an Alpha man, a more assertive man (Side note: assertive is someone being direct; aggressive is hostility or violence---it's amazing how discernment to definition of language changes seduction/emotionality.) I would offer that the disagreement between the power dynamic of someone wanting an Alpha male and being a Power Bottom means that there's too much testosterone/power involved. The negotiation of power and control is a big thing in male life, no matter one's sexuality so you ca imagine how looming it is when one's sexuality has a counter projection from society to it from society. Then you throw in that a man who's a Bottom is always trying to manage the level of physical and emotional vulnerability he might be putting himself in with another man. Is it no wonder that so many MSM find themselves alone when trying to negotiate seduction.

What to do? How to navigate these dynamics? How to get what you want?

Consider what you want and even more importantly consider that control, power and seduction are all sides of the same triangle but can't always operate at the same time. Men, no matter their sexuality, have been raised in a society that conveys intense messages about how to be male and more importantly how to be a sexual/romantic male. However one could challenge in here, that if a man is a Bottom/Beta, he's operating from a position of more emotional/intuitive estrogen based mentality than a man who would be designated an Alpha (a male with more testosterone than estrogen.) It's important to note though that there are statistically more estrogen Beta males throughout the whole of society, therefore the majority of MSM are Betas as well. This gives an excellent ability to understand emotions and be more emotionally available..

Seduction is all about intuitively figuring out someone's wants and desires. Bottoms tend to try and get their needs met first, to be so focused on being fulfilled as a Bottom that they don't realize that another person, a man is present. Also there's the whole element of manhood/machismo being present---two men are present, but one will have to relax his attachment to being in control. Lack of control isn't a lack of power. You can relinquish power and still be in control of yourself, without having to be powerful and controlling of the other man. Why is this valuable? Most men, most Alpha men, most Tops aren't looking for a "bossy" Bottom==their desire runs along being ca retaking and loving and protective. But if you rush to the power button before he can warm up to get there, then you're in the driver's seat and that leaves no place for him.

Breathe. You won't die or be destroyed if you don't try to be the power principle. And truthfully what ends up happening is that Bottoms ultimately feel disappointed in their choices, that disappointment then becomes the Bottom exampling Power how he knows how---verbally/emotionally---so he gets bitchy and sarcastic. Total turn off to the man he's trying to seduce. Then the Bottom goes back into himself and feels shameful, resentful and inadequate. How about starting from a whole different paradigm? Throw out your mother, divas, television, Twilight and instead think about being an inviting, soft, loving space. Seduction doesn't involve fixing a man nor "helpfully" pointing out what's wrong. That's masculine energy competition and vying. Instead allow him to be who and what he is. Ironically, so many Bottoms want to be swept away, to be taken, to be devoured....yet they want to set the rules for which way the sweeping happens, the kind of broom, the amount of strands, how to be taken, which direction to be taken facing, the color of the sheets, which pillow should be where, the way they should be devoured, the time of day, the exact look on someone's face, the way their voice should sound, the way the left hand should move and the kinds of finger movement that should occur when the wind blows that way and...and...and...and....can you see why an Alpha/Top would flake out and vanish on you?

I know it sounds counter-intuitive and the real fear is the loss of self, the loss of respect, the loss of control. In fact with some practice and faith (the faith that you can take care of yourself or say no at any time) allows you to show up seductively, playfully, joyously and enjoy a man. You'll rail against this, your friends will help you rail against this, your mommy will rail against it too but here's what you should look out for---the guy and Alpha gets up and gives his time, attention, sex and resources to. And why.....

Next Time:

Seduction, Part 2 for Shifting Tops: Separation of Sexuality and Expectations

Enjoy!

Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenix.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Kyle Phoenix on YouTube, Twitter and Quora

Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday 11:30pm simulcast

Homosexual Men and Sexual Standards

What are you sexual standards? Let's back that up, do you have standards and do you know what they are?

Here's how we measure out Sexual Standards. We question them when confronted by others with their experiences and look at---does that fit/suit me?

Sexual Standards
You can have your personal peccadilloes, your interests in the fetishes that turn you on, that's completely fine. However the things you like, more importantly, what do they say about you? Do they endanger your job, your health, your life? With that additional info, what are your standards around sex?

A funny diddy, is that in the course of facilitating a men's group (full of African American and Latino men) around sexuality, men having sex in the park kept coming up. In fact, a particular park in Manhattan. Mount Morris Park Harlem kept coming up as a destination for sexual cruising and outdoor sex. Finally, I had to admit to the group that I'd not only never gone to that park for sex but not searched and found sex in a park setting. The group was shocked, I was shocked that they were shocked. So I questioned them deeper and it turns out that is the sexual expectation for Black and Latino men, that was a community sexual standard......for some men. My defense as to why I wouldn't do it went along the lines of first, I didn't want to damage my slacks. That should have tipped everyone off as to where the discussion could and couldn't go with me. Second I had no experience of such a craving, but I took it a step farther, I actually went on a Sunday, later afternoon, and investigated this sexual Wonderland. Was I young and handsome and missing out on something amazing and scintillating?

Imagine, at the top of a hill a concrete arena surrounded by trees. No one is in the wide expanse but men are circling around the concrete wall on the outskirts side of trees, shrubbery and dirt making it difficult to discern them from the woods. So I took up residence, at around dusk, on one side of this circle and noticed that if you moved say clockwise, the scattering of men around the circle (it's about 100 feet wide) would move either closer or farther way. The other thing I noticed was that I had poor vision at dusk, even with my contacts in, so I didn't know who or what I was clockwise or counter-clockwise towards.

In two words, after a half an hour of observing this, I deemed it somewhere between de classe and ridiculous, and went home.

In retrospect, I realized I had a different standard. A date, an online chat, a study buddy from school, a friendship---something before sexual contact. Now I'm no prude, I've been involved in enough sexual congress to have answered all of my questions....and seven of yours....twice. But standing outside on a Fall afternoon playing sideline, clockwise games in the dirt and foliage reeked of fear and weakness to me. Then I thought deeper into it and I realized that the art of cruising is the deliberate action of riding low level fear. Not fight or flight fear but the anxiety level fear of acceptance and rejection and the hope that you'll finally be sexually (socially) acceptable and therefore sexed as an outlet for all that fearful anticipation of copulation.

And beyond my lack of fear or interest in it as an anxiety based aphrodisiac, I have an addictive penchant for Emporio Armani slacks. Uh huh, they can't rock outdoor ground based stress. Sometimes one standard will inform another, a vacuous example but I think you can see it's a valid point.

This brings me back to Sexual Standards.

Are you down for outdoor hits and misses from strangers?
Are you down for public restroom sex? Are you down for public sex (voyeurism/exhibitionism), period?
Are you into threeways, fourways?
Are you into strangers?
Are you into abuse?
Are you into risky pick up off the-corner-boy sex? (I have a friend who calls them Dirty Boys.)
Are you into being penetrated by random strangers without condoms?
Are you into back of video store/triple X theater sex with strangers?
Are you down for married men?
Are you only into ex-convicts?

Notice some of these turn-ons aren't so much about personality or personhood but around stereotypes and anonymity.

The bigger question is then are you turned on by sex that lacks human intimacy---without hitting this with judgment, I think we should look at how often are you into non-intimate sex and how risky does it need to be? The answer to this is your sexual standards, because your sexual actions are more about you than someone else.

Enjoy!

Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenix.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Kyle Phoenix on YouTube, Twitter and Quora

Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday 11:30pm simulcast

Anal Sex: Ins and Outs

The most often watched videos, attended workshops and responses to the television show come from things around sex. Particularly anything that has to do with sex or male genitals. There's a point int their about patriarchy but on to our topic at hand. I'm going to assume you're at Sexuality 202 level so we're going to dive into if you're a straight man who enjoys anal exploration or a same gender loving one, here's a breakdown, overview and things to consider.

Breakdown

The saddest part of teaching men is how much they don't know about their own bodies most about their sexuality. Women having menstrual cycles gives them a reason for the community of women to do some education around their bodies. I remember once in high school wandering down to the Guidance Counselor's office where she was talking to a group of girls about a big diagram on the wall. It outlined the female body, showing close ups of the vagina, the rectum and wait for it---the urethra. I actually gasped "Ohmigod! That's how you pee?!" I was 16 and honestly thought that girls peed from their vaginas which is why they had to douche, to be clean because all kinds of stuff was constantly flowing out or into vaginas. Sadly, I'd lost my virginity with a girl by then and didn't even have a good idea of what I'd been getting into.

Your butt. That's your butt.

If you raise your legs you have your perineum which is between your testicles and anus.

Right after your perineum, that's your anus. Well, maybe not yours......but unless you do a lot of yoga or want to get some mirrors involved take my word for it. Your anal tract from the outside to the inside is protected by two muscles. (Exterior and Interior) One voluntary and one involuntary. They both fall into the category of sphincter muscles. The outside is more under your voluntary control (Exterior) while the second internal one (Interior) is more involuntarily tight. If you're engaging in anal sex this is why you can think you're ready, there can be a slight moment of penetration but not complete penetration because you're not internally ready. First or initial penetration is the first ring of muscles. They, both the muscles, (like ejaculation and orgasm---see video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lfUS1FM-xlY---feel like they're the same but they aren't).require patience to operate pleasurably. Beyond the Interior sphincter is your rectum/rectal tract. The walls of the rectal tract are very thin (and susceptible for infection--HIV, etc.) and the mucous they naturally emit for bowel flow, isn't enough for penetration. Use lube. Real men invest in lube and experiment with what works best, water based, gel, silicone.

Here's where the mass of MSM lose their damn minds. Your rectal tract is approximately 5 to 6 inches in generally length. Suddenly all those dreams of monster penis penetration are more of a destructive misnomer than potential reality. Now I know there are some of you out there convinced, proud and accomplished at taking more inches. That's from exceptional practice but other than the psychic thrill and bragging rights around your office or during Thanksgiving, there's very little different pleasure.

Anything deeper into your rectal tract leads up to your colon. You can inadvertently have your colon pushed, punctured, damaged by someone ramming into you. Anal penetration, for pleasure, should feel like three things:

1. Pressure---similar to the fullness of having to take a bowel movement, you should feel a fullness, a weightiness. Sex has a psychic component to it, because all of the nerve endings are primarily in the sphincter area and very few deeper along the rectal wall, men who enjoy anal sex are getting a lot of pleasure from the psychic feeling of connection and fullness. The confusion of MSM comparing an anus to a woman's vagina is not understanding that while women may feel this as well there's more nerve ending in a vagina beyond the clitoris to transmit some pleasure. Short shallow insertion of the penis with a slight arching movement upward (again the video will help you understand this better http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lfUS1FM-xlY allows a man to experience prostate stimulation.

2. Penetration--the taboo and the physical feeling of being penetrated as a man are part of the psychic pleasure. But the pain generally is from getting both sphincter muscles to expand and accommodate a penis or (safe) object. If penetration is done in stages and slowly anyone and everyone can get penetrated by anything from a finger to a forearm.

3. Depth---remember the majority of the nerve endings are in the beginning of your anus and then the opening of the colon 5 to 6 inches in. If you feel a sharp pain, you're (he is) in too deep. Most of the discomfort should come from the beginning not internally. If you feel internal pain, stop. If you have to tell whomever is penetrating you to stop because there's not enough connection for them to be taking their time and asking you depth and pressure questions, then you've got more than anal sex issues. You have communication issues. Real men don't take pain as a part of pleasure---unless that's what they're into. And if you do then you need to take responsibility for your or someone else's injuries and not how one derives pleasure form anal sex.

Overview

Where's the pleasure?

The first two inches from the Exterior sphincter to and through the Interior and slightly up to massage the prostate. (Again see video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lfUS1FM-xlY for more graphic explanation on multiple orgasms, prostate massage, pleasure, etc.)

Now someone always champions how they're taking nine inch penises on a regular basis and love it and it's wonderful and they often are stellar bottoms and homosexuals and they go on and on. Remember how in school there were always kids who bragged about stuff you logically knew wasn't everyone's experience? That's MSM and the influence of pornography. Most 20 minute sex scenes take about 3 to 5 hours to film. What you're seeing is Final Cut Pro in action with massive amounts of time, patience, lube and yes, expert bottoms. There's also the need for money. Some people do porn for fun, most do it as work for money. Just like you've sat bored at work, someone else pretends on camera for money to explore every ramming aspect you're watching.

We are capable of many things for pleasure physically and sexually. The anus is but (pun!) one of them. However exploring one's self shouldn't involve destructiveness as one could reason that by nature making the average size of male penises 5 to 7 inches and the rectum about 5 to 6 in depth, with about half an inch of muscle space from insertion point, God's biological design supports and encourages all forms of sexuality.

Oh, snap.

No, he didn't just say that!

Yes, I did,

Next Time: Anal Sex: How to Penetrate

Sexuality: Bisexual Homosexuals and Homosexual Heterosexuals

In my line of work, facilitating workshops and classes, answering emails from the TV show, I'm often challenged with the difference between actions and sexuality. We've entered into an era of sexuality being integrated into mainstream society and though all forms of sexuality have existed since there were three people, our social designations haven't.

Let's identify first:

Bisexual--likes male and female genders sexually.
Homosexual--likes the same gender sexually.
Heterosexual--likes their opposite gender sexually.
Transsexual--feels likes their body/external male or female gender is incorrect to their identity/internal sense of gender; their sexuality may be homo, hetero or bi-sexuality.
Omni/Pansexual--likes male and female genders sexually, regardless of external/internal gender.
Inter-sex--someone born with genitalia that technically makes them neither male or female, or both. Usually medical professionals and parents choose which gender to use surgery to make dominant.
Gender--one's physical classification to male, female, inter-sex or pre/post surgery transsexual
Sexuality--one's internal TO external manifestation of identity and/or action; how one acts out what they feel or physically can do; this might be what someone is
Acts--people may do things to/with their same or opposite gender

However sometimes people cross and blur the lines of sexuality, ability, action and gender. (The accompanying video at the end will help you if you've involved with someone of the same sex.) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkEAUlWbsvE&feature=g-upl))

Homosexual Men and Women Have Sex With The Opposite Sex

Quite a few homosexuals due to lack of understanding of themselves or fear of disrupting their family/life, have been in heterosexual relationships and marriages (and may have children.) It happens. Being in a society that demands conformity down to sexual identity can mean that people take time, even a lifetime to discover and develop their own identity. If you're homosexual, and feel this aligns with your sexuality, your identity and your physicality---where does that identity come from? Within. Then if your sexual identity comes from within and you've done some heterosexual acts, how can you judge/project onto the bisexual or a heterosexual who is simply having homosexual sex? Sex is not an infection nor a barometer of identity. Sex is an act. Sex is not one's identity.

Heterosexual Men and Women Have Sex With Their Same Sex
Human beings experiment As children, as young adults, in college, in jail, in threesomes, for pleasure, adults since the beginning of time have tried things out. Found that they liked things. Done things for a while. A reason, a season or a lifetime but that doesn't necessarily make them that sexuality. Sexuality isn't simply defined by actions, it's also defined by the individual. Is a sexually abused child being molested by her aunt, a lesbian? No. Is an adult who has no other sexual outlet in jail or the military and engages in same sex sexual contact, a homosexual? Not necessarily. Is a homosexual who lost their virginity to a girl (or guy) but knew they were homosexual actually heterosexual, just confused like their Mamma said? Nope.

Heterosexuality is an action. Being a heterosexual is sexuality merging identity AND action. Confusing? Welcome to Earth, no one promised you that human beings would be simple or narrow or definitive in every one of their expressions. Honestly, if we sat down with you and did a psycho-social identity mapping about what turns you on, imagery, people, actions---we'd probably find that like most humans, you fall into a spectrum, a continuum but all your dots don't cluster perfectly to one side of the scale. The famous Kinsey scale below measures humans who've answered a detailed questionnaire and survey below and where they flow along a continuum. Only a very narrow portion of the population are exclusively heterosexual (all white area, or 0 column and only a narrow portion of the population are exclusively homosexual (all blue column, or 6).

The scale is as follows:

Rating	Description
0	Exclusively heterosexual
1	Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
2	Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3	Equally heterosexual and homosexual
4	Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5	Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
6	Exclusively homosexual
X	Non-sexual

Then this guy Klein came along and created a more definite measurement system riffing of of Kinsey's work but trying to add more nuance to the sexuality experience and define bisexuality better.

Variable	Past	Present	Ideal
A. Sexual Attraction. To whom are you sexually attracted?
B. Sexual Behavior. With whom have you had sex?
C. Sexual Fantasies. About whom are your sexual fantasies?
D. Emotional Preference. Who do you feel more drawn to or close to emotionally?
E. Social Preference. Which gender do you socialize with?
F. Lifestyle Preference. In which community do you like to spend your time? In which do you feel most comfortable?
G. Self Identification. How do you label or identify yourself?

Scale to measure variables A, B, C, D and E of the KSOG

1	2	3	4	5	6	7
other sex only	other sex mostly	other sex somewhat	both sexes equally	same sex somewhat	same sex mostly	same sex only

Scale to measure variables F and G of the KSOG

1	2	3	4	5	6	7
heterosexual only	heterosexual mostly	heterosexual more	heterosexual/homosexual equally	homosexual more	homosexual somewhat	homosexual only

Notice in here how the word variable appears and somewhat and mostly. Those are our tip words that sexuality and identity are not static. In fact Klein went on to develop that sexuality is far more fluidic than our society allows. Now here's where it gets fun. If a more tolerant, accepting, permissive society begins existing the individuals definition of what their sexuality is today, tomorrow and yesterday can and will change over a lifetime. Humans will begin to in that Kinsey middle area define themselves as some variation of bisexual or omnisexual.

In workshops when it comes up (The accompanying video at the end will help you if you've involved with someone of the same sex.) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkEAUlWbsvE&feature=g-upl)) invariably around homosexual men feeling used by other men who are having homosexual acts with them but not interested in deeper emotionalized/romantic relationships, I present the above information. The homosexual men then rail that these men are secretly on the down low and being deceptive by having sex with them and then returning to heterosexual relationships (and yes, this does have STD risks/implications) but I calmly ask how many men in the room have had sex with a woman. Out of 20, maybe 7 raise their hands---I ask them to move to one side of the room. Then I ask how many of them have had fantasies, dreams, imaginings, musings in their own sexuality about being with women of being women or referring to their bodies in more physically or emotionally effeminate ways (boy pussy, pussy, Ms. Thing, girl, girlfriend, bitch, she),another 10 move to the other side of the room. Then I throw out who has done drag as a child, teenager, adult or was in the closet about their sexuality until 21. Another 2 move over.

That leaves 1 guy, sometimes 2, and I say those two out of the 20, are the actual, full 6 homosexuals. The rest of you are varying degrees of homosexuals/bisexuals/omnisexuals.

I'm just saying....

Now imagine this being done in a group of heterosexuals? This leaves us with stunning possibilities: either your mother, family, father, peers, cousins, siblings, boss, neighbors, church, synagogue (read: society) are right---you're not a homosexual, you're just confused and haven't met the right man or woman, and if you did you'd "straighten up".

Or, you're personally right about your personal expression of your sexuality and identity and they're wrong, other people (read: society) are wrong to define you.

Then the bigger challenge comes about: if you don't want others defining your sexuality incorrectly or pejoratively as a homosexual, how can you turn to someone doing heterosexual acts or homosexual acts and pejoratively judge/forcibly define their sexuality?

Work shoppers than ask me what's the right way to operate and I answer that I allow others to define their own sexuality and identity to me that day and I maintain the space and etiquette and human caring, that it might change tomorrow and it might change again the next day. My irritation and annoyance wouldn't be at the changing but at them not alerting that there is a change for that day. Suddenly sexuality is simple, huh?

(The accompanying video will help you if you've involved with someone of the same sex.) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkEAUlWbsvE&feature=g-upl))

Enjoy!

Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenix.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Kyle Phoenix on YouTube, Twitter and Quora

Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday 11:30pm simulcast

Homosexuals As Sexuality Fascists

What is sexuality? Do you know?

More importantly what is your sexuality?

How do you know?

Now more frighteningly, what is someone else's sexuality?

Can you know beyond what they tell you is their truth?

I've often had this as a topic in workshops because it covers so many areas that MSM are fuzzy about. Some of the fuzziness comes from the core of having a liberated sexuality that doesn't answer to the society around you (as long as it's not breaking moral codes and not outdated legal laws) and the dual edged responsibility that comes with that. To "be" means that you also confer, or should, the right for others to "be". But then like a busy bubba bee we get into what the definition of is is.

Let's make it simple and concrete---Sexuality is only about 4 things:

BODY
Sexuality is what your body is.

You're in a body. Look down. There you go. That's you. It might be defined by society around you as male, female, or intersex (any combination or negation of the previous two). That's just simple physical parameters that we as human beings can physically define. We get this definition by comparing ourselves to nature, particularly animals and insects in nature that are most similar to us in possessing bodes and consciousness.

DO
Sexuality is what your body can do.

No matter how marvelous you mat feel about that thing you discovered and did with someone last week or twenty years ago, it's been done before. By millions of human beings. Perhaps even billions. The only absolute difference in your sexuality would be using an IPhone 5 that is displaying this blog and using it in your sexuality---it would have to be that immediately new and sadly, somewhere, someone in the world has already done something post-physical with an IPhone 5 while displaying a blog....by a Black man.....in New York.....who likes jellybeans. Yeah, human beings have been immediately doing things with their bodies for more years than the human mind can fathom.

FEEL
Sexuality is what you feel like doing with your body.
While there's a list, of about 30 things you can do sexually with your body, one hundred when you expand it to include another human and over probably a thousand when you start introducing objects, humans see sexuality through identity. More importantly the aspect of your identity that identifies you as an "I" amongst the see of all the other humans who may look, seem and smell like you but you identify as "them".

OTHER
Sexuality is who you feel like doing it with.

Just because you can do it, just because you can mentally entertain doing it and just because you have a body, doesn't mean you want to do many things listed on the sexuality display board of activities. There has to be a drive, emotional component, action, to just do it! Like everything else human beings are incentive based animals. Whether it's pain or pleasure we do things for incentive. Sane things and insane things.

However what all human beings have an initial problem dealing with is contradiction of reality. You stand on the ground and this mysterious force called gravity has been holding you to it and will continue to do so for the entirety of your life. Yet when toddlers are asked to define and point out where a human being is, inside of their body---where identity/the soul resides, children point at a region around the head and slightly above it. What makes you a "You" has never touched the ground because it's in this container called a body, yet it too is affected by gravity because its' container is. Yet your soul is never defined as being limited by gravity. A contradiction of two simultaneously existing states of reality.

A delightful metaphysical hypothesis you might agree but what does this have to do with sexuality?

MSM and others learn early on that their parents, peers and friends are not initially thrilled with how an individual MSM might express that his BODY FEELS to DO in alignment with his OTHER. We're all taught that and to varying degrees of lifelong success we manage, negotiate and mitigate the initial projection. (Now just to be complicated I'm going to throw a lot into that projection like: heterosexuaity, bisexuality, homosexuality, beastiality, chastity, incest, rape, celibacy, sadomasochism, miscegenation, discrimination, alienation and my favorite, liberation.)

But we're also given something else. Judgment and the indefatigable ability, we believe to self-define our own crotches and therefore be able to measure and "fix" the crotch of another. By fix I mean compare someone else's to our own and judge that it is not good, out of alignment, incorrect and therefore sick, wrong, twisted, demented, confused, lying, immature, etc.. Now the ways I'll give you some mulligans are for immaturity and "wrong/sick" that involve coercion of another, force or destructiveness. Other than that anything two consenting adults come up with involving an IPhone, a cupcake, some hot wax, a double headed dildo, pictures of Betty Boop and a Twister mat, while perhaps disturbing, is not wrong. It might be wrong when I try to match it against my BODY, DO, FEEL, OTHER, as in it doesn't align. But that doesn't make it morally wrong nor negate it's right to exist and just as I require at least tacit respect and non-harm for my own sexuality, those that aren't my own deserve the same.

Oh, wait, does your sexuality deserve respect? Does your sexuality deserve to to not be harmed/attacked/vilified?

While screaming how their BODY (male) wanting to DO (homosexuality) with anOTHER who FEELS the same, MSM often believe that their trying to get only one other seat on the humanity bus. They never consider that there might be other folk trying to get a seat and maybe the bus should be expanded and that even more revolutionary maybe the ones who know what it's like to be excluded often become the excluders because as Frantz Fanon, writer of Wretched of The Earth, defining horizontal violence as...
The larger picture of horizontal violence is systemic oppression. It is not a mental state that can be isolated from vertical oppression which is a top-to-bottom use of state power to colonize people.........People under such a condition develop a duality of purpose in doing things – an ironic kind of resignation to the reality not within their control contraposed to a mounting inner protest at one’s oppressive situation. Because of this contradictions that happen in the conscious and unconscious mind of the oppressed, it results in the oppressed’s having within his psyche the oppressor himself. Strangely, he too becomes an oppressor if he doesn't realize what a victim he has become under an oppressive system. The only difference in this particular situation that separates the oppressed from the oppressor is that the oppressed who hasn't realized his pathetic condition oppresses only his peers and reveres his oppressor....which riffs into Paulo Freire , a Brazilian Educator, who wrote in his book, Pedagogy of the Oppressed............that horizontal violence is part of the psychological state of people trapped by poverty and powerlessness. Part of the psyche of such group is the internalized image of the people causing the oppression . That internalized image settles more in the unconscious mind than in the conscious mind. On the conscious level, the oppressed views the oppressor as the “complete human being” and he, the oppressed, as the incomplete one. The oppressive aspect of that internalized image is not viewed as oppressive by the oppressed person. The oppressive tendencies coming from the internalized image of the oppressor assert themselves whenever the oppressed has an opportunity to be like the oppressor.

Oh, snap!
Suddenly MSM who judge gay for pay (straight men who perform in homosexual pornography for money/resources) are not taking into account they are acting out learned oppressive stances. Or they might do this to announced bisexuals---"You're just confused!" they jeer. Or no one has the right to experiment with his or her sexuality, that homosexuality is like an infection---so if you did something in school or jail or had one same sex affair---"You're gay! You're just confused!" That transsexuals are truly confused and insane especially when they not only feel that their body is wrong but they transition to another gender and then are same gender loving (example: a male trans to female and is a lesbian).

Because it couldn't possibly be that people raised in oppression even of sexualityinternalize and become the oppressors. Nah, we never have seen the oppressed take on an ideas, ideology and markings of clear oppressors to the point where they act even more rabidly insane than the oppressors. Nah, that could never happen. Never. Ever.

So then the question comes up in my workshops (you're thinking they're really the jump off---and they are! More fun than a sack of granddaddies!): what do you think, Kyle?

The task of a teacher/facilitator is to either express their confusion at something (I don't get sex in a dark park or a public bathroom---I understand it but, for me personally, it's right up there with scat) and the group illuminates me to understanding. Or the group pose a question and I illuminate alternative perspectives (critical thinking applied) for how to look at something and what future actions to consider taking.

I have always thought that YOU should be in charge of managing YOUR crotch. And I'll manage mine. Management includes non-judgment (unless it breeches morality or just legal laws---I have to keep pointing this out because people who are not ready to think differently will rail with sexual abuse, incest, rape, etc.. Curiously, I find that the most announced liberal are as doggedly narrow and inflexible in their beliefs as the directly announced fundamentalist/oppressors. I clearly state things and points several times other in a calm voice. Yes, sometimes teaching can feel reductive.) But I also think that acceptance for the Latino kid son the bus means I should be just as accepting of the Asian especially when I say based upon ethnicity and race, I'm accepting the first kid.

I can't justify homosexuality if I don't accept all the myriadical positions and possibilities that it includes that aren't permanent identity.sexuality choices to every human being who has participated in it and all of the alternative perspective sexualities other human beings might present. Why it would make me a hypocrite and a sexuality fascist to do the contradictory opposite and I might only do that if I.........were raised by a heterosexual social hegemony that teaches that very skill.

Coming Soon:

Gay For Pay and Reality: Do You Know The Difference?

Enjoy!

Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenix.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Kyle Phoenix on YouTube, Twitter and Quora

Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday 11:30pm simulcast

Anal Sex: The Ins and Outs

The most often watched videos, attended workshops and responses to the television show come from things around sex. Particularly anything that has to do with sex or male genitals. There's a point int their about patriarchy but on to our topic at hand. I'm going to assume you're at Sexuality 202 level so we're going to dive into if you're a straight man who enjoys anal exploration or a same gender loving one, here's a breakdown, overview and things to consider.

Breakdown

Your butt. That's your butt.

If you raise your legs you have your perineum which is between your testicles and anus.

Overview

Where's the pleasure?

Oh, snap.

No, he didn't just say that!

Yes, I did,

Next Time: Anal Sex: How to Penetrate

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