How to Write Difficult Sex Scenes by Kyle Phoenix

 

I’ve written lots of books, hundreds of short stories and teach about sex and sexuality so I have both a breadth of knowledge and have played with lots of ways to describe a sexual-romantic encounter. What I try to do now is describe the sex that a certain kind of character is having rather than a sex scene for the sake of a sex scene. In writing a sociopath/psychopath, the lead character Free in the book I’m finishing, titled Free—-I wanted to explore multiple sexualities. Whether in Free himself or his father or other men of color—-they’re all trying hetero, bi, homo, skolio, trans-sexuality on. It was also important for me to explore female heterosexuality and the idea of incest from Free’s mother, Maya.

While I could imagine and have seen/read and written about male to younger female/male nicest, I’d never explored mother to son incest. Then I considered family lore (the best place I find to excavate dysfunction) in an older cousin sleeping in my aunt’s bed until he was 13 and she kicked him out in favor of an older man, Carlos. In reality, that then triggered my cousin being thrown out of the house at 13, him joining gangs, juvenile delinquency and eventually in and out of prison for 30+ years. Not only had he sexually abused me as a child but he expressed to my mother confusion at his sexuality all his life. I thought that was fertile ground to churn and consider and re-create.

What kind of sexuality would that 13 year old have? Not sure if he were hetero or homosexual but sexualized by his mother Maya (my aunt Naomi)? Free (and my cousin) became a sexual predator though in my novel Free and his mother tangle through their relationship because his father, her ex-husband is a drug kingpin that has given Free territory and Maya gets a healthy stipend. They are both beholden to Dom and Maya is still deeply in love with her ex-husband, it revealed at the end exactly why they separated. IN many ways she’s using Free as a proxy for his father because they look so much alike.

That was my in to the erotic-sex scenes between the two.

It had to be fraught with tension, confusion, flashes of anger and disgust and then as he gets older, Free begins to use it, taunt his mother spitefully. At his wedding reception he helps her into her room because she’s drunk and lays atop her, touches her inappropriately because his father has been there, emotions are high, she’s in a swirl of desirous confusion. Another time Free relays to his wife how his mother bathed him for years throughout his teens, as a nurse, methodically. Then Free’s wife Lena catches them in a compromising position (during her wedding reception) and understands the enmity Maya holds towards her—-she’s jealous of her. Further Free is sexually assaulted as a teen by gang members tricked by what could’ve been his first adult love. He’s experimented with girls and boys before but hadn’t settled so it’s completely normal to him to include his male lover Alyosha to his marriage to his wife, to set them up s that she accepts being in a triad.

In designing Free’s sexuality it would be purposefully messy, he would have streaks of violence and debasement inflicted upon him and then him upon others. There would be BDSM, violence, rage, shibari (rope tying) and pornography filming and publishing online. It would also include drugs and money and crossing of boundaries as I included “Carlos” (from my aunt’s reality) to meeting Maya. I considered my aunt would’ve been trying to get an appropriate, successful adult male marriage—-he turned out to be abusive-0—so I worked with why he was abusive and his abuse of Free. But then I always wanted Free, in his psychopathy, to be an inch more dangerous than those who think they’re going to abuse him. I treat his psychopathy as the capacity to cross lines that even abusers are hesitant so his sexual practices are intense, vicious, exploitative.

The Writing Itself

In writing the scenes I focus on simple things—-it’s not about long drawn out scenes of torture—-it’s instead about shocking flashes. I purposefully found 144 things, debasing things psychologically that someone like Free would do—-then I narrowed it to 12 and created scenes from there. My intent isn’t to overwhelm the reader entirety with his depravity but to instead introduce it and then continue on with other scenes. Like a shark surfacing and then diving deep—-the idea that Free is doing these things to himself and others is always lurking under dozens of other scenes. In many ways with in the novel all of the characters have subterranean elements of their characters that surface and harm then dive deep again so that the reader can sort of “forget” and then be shocked again that oh, that’s right Maya has a wholly inappropriate way of engaging her son, Carlos, her ex-husband and then Carlos’s son, Worthington.

It’s about 150 pages into a 500 page novel that I got that last sentence out in scenes and I realized—-Wow, it’s really shocking/depraved BUT at the same time in the writing, the sexual contact, crossing of boundaries, real affairs/love, messy ones, are all sort of understandable.

That’s what I’m trying to find in those scenes—-strong enough characters that the reader (and to some degree me as the writer) can understand why Maya has crossed these lines—-as she starts to realize, in a hotel room with Worthington (they regularly meet years after her break up with Carlos, as she realizes Free started a secret relationship with Carlos) how her projecting incestuous drama plus her absent father—-so she has no template for what to judge a good, healthy man by—-hence a drug dealer and Carlos an ephebophilic (someone sexually attracted to teens). She has no mature “picker” of men, even as she’s in this affair with a man in his twenties, her son’s age.

I think it’s important when characters do distorted, criminal, egregious things that their thinking be both explained and examined. It simply can't be she’s with Carlos’s son because he’s handsome, we have to see that her failed marriage, lack of father, abusive relationship with Carlos and messy relationship with Free—-of course! she’d get involved with the handsome, willing Worthington.

Then to Free—-of course! he’d choose the self destructive Alyosha and Lena—-who’ve had severe trauma in their pasts. And of course they’d choose him form their warped upbringings.

It all has to make sense.

So when I write about the sex rooms/dungeons that Free takes his wife and boyfriend into, it makes sense to the character. I can then castaway a line or two about the sex but what I’m really trying to convey, incept into the reader’s mind is not the blow by blow graphic actions but the rationality of it. I don’t want it so horribly shocking that the reader turns away, I want it shocking, a flash and the reader to both understand and imagine more. The sex scenes I write are incomplete as they are often ancillary to the feelings and thoughts and situations folks are having during the sex. Which if we could read the minds of people during sex—-and perhaps what we’re trying to do in watching pornography—-is get a glimpse into the multi-layered thoughts that a person is having during sex.

When you can achieve that this character has sex this way and it makes sense for them, then you’ve written a good scene. That has to include not simply passion, naked bodies, penetration—-but sometimes clothing, bindings, the setting, their drama and trauma, their confusion and the other person’s obliviousness or joy at exploiting someone, the singular or mutual anxiety alongside the physical descriptions. I also find that incongruity, people being at different speeds and modalities is optimal in descriptions because that is often reality.

• Why Maya is having sex with Worthington is different from when they start to months later.
• How Free has sex with the first adult he’s attracted to and seduces is different than how he exploits and uses Carlos, who thinks because he’s older, he’s in control.
• How Free has sex with his wife and male lover separately and when together and why he wants a trio-marriage is different than the sex games he plays with his mother.

Those complexities are how one writes new, fresh erotic scenes. The idea of the why not simply the what and how.

#KylePhoenix

#TheKylePhoenixShow

Why do black men have much bigger penises than white men, and why do white men obsess over them? by Kyle Phoenix

 Why do black men have much bigger penises than white men, and why do white men obsess over them?

Ecuadorian Man

Cameroonian Man

Haitian Man

Senegalese Man

Gambian Man

Zambian Man

Yup, looks like across the planet the majority of larger penis sizes tends to come from men as brown as a wooden floor. But that has a lot to do with various factors. However the average varies and is evident by certain countries, which are predominantly populated by certain cultures/ethnicities. White men, by an average, seem to fall into the mid range, median, between African and Asian men. Larger men of the median or lower have more to do with genetic additives/throwbacks manifesting and the multiple other factors that influence size.

Gets a mite

smaller

in European and Asian lands, hmmmmm?

But, Kyle, why?

Multiple reasons that integrate to an overall answer:

Melanin

-there are multiple benefits to having more melanin in your body, represented on your skin surface but it also increases/affects collagen production, more skin elasticized.

Diet

-people of color fortunately and unfortunately have differing eating habits than White/Asian men

Environment

-men of color tend to grow up in different kinds of environment than White and Asian men

Kinesthetic Activity/Physicality

-the penis is tissue-muscle so different cultures do different things physically whether that’s sports or general activity. The one thing I noted but didn’t have a fuller chance to fully explore giving a Kaleidoscope Assessment to elementary, middle, high school, college and adults, by culture tended to score higher as Kinesthetic over Tactile, Auditory, Visual.

Comparison to Smaller Penis-ed Men-

if you keep comparing in form or imagination than you don’t know what

average

is compared to yourself.

Genetics

- while there is no correlation to (the social construct) of race being genetic. The only difference between human beings is

blood type

and

ear wax

type BUT we are templates/prototypes as genetic copies-reproductions, from our familial line.

What that means is simply my father was 6′4 and my mother 5′2, I’m 6′2. Her genetics “shortened me” or his genetics increased/stretched me, much more than I would’ve been had she married/mated with someone shorter, under 6 feet. Now apply this to musculature (the penis is a series of tissues-muscle) and the genetics that affect and effect our physiology.

Meaning larger penis men genetically, father, grandfather, great grandfather, etc., genetically offer-serve their genetic possibility/propensity, down their line. So generationally a larger penis-ed man comes from a line of larger penis-ed men and comparatively smaller. One might be larger or smaller, different than his father, because genetics are similar, simplified, to Christmas lights where one light comes on and expressed and another doesn’t, through passed on genetics.

There is no absolute rhyme or reason, which is where the heavy investment in genetic manipulation/genome science is so cutting edge to be investigated. One, to identify the DNA strands and the particulars and two, then mapping what each gene/strand might do, effect, make happen.

Psychology

- coupled with the above, many men, I’ve found in my workshops, don’t understand their bodies/genitalia. In all of my workshops I generally spend about 15 to 20 minutes with a chart or handouts explaining the male body to men.

Body Size 1

-One of the things I teach men is how weight/physical size affects penis size. The penis/length begins not in the groin area where it erects from but two to three inches inside, along, within the perineum, back towards the anus. Meaning the penis length, if measured from where the muscle structure begins is about 3–4 inches from where the penis erects from in the groin.

Body Size 2-

Depending upon a man’s weight and what it should be based upon height/BMI which means that say you’re 6 feet tall and 200lbs, by an average, you have your penis size/length by approximately the charts above. And say you’re around 6 to 7 inches erect, from your groin/testicles, for every 35lbs you have gained as body mass, fat settles-centers around your mid-section/thighs which engulfs your penis by expanding your thighs, groin, stomach, waist and 1 inch is “lost” from the penis length to the body itself. So based upon how fat settles/is gained by your body and your height (which distributes gained weight), multiple factors again, influence penis length/size and to alter it might mean weight loss. But it therefore also correlates to leaner/slimmer men having, appearing to have, more protrusion of the entire shaft as there is less fat mass obscuring the shaft.

Whew. Does it matter, Kyle?

Scene # 1: Black/African Dude

One time I had a hook up in Harlem with a Black dude. We’d chatted online and for some reason I thought I’d take a flyer and go over one evening. We chatted a bit then he led me to his bedroom—-a bedroom door opened—”Oh, that’s my sister,” he said as she slammed back into her room.

(

Ummm, odd.

Strike #1)

He lays on the bed, undresses and I undress. I notice his arm is in the way of his penis——

oh, wait, that’s not an arm.

That’s his penis.

Wait, wait, wait

THAT’S

his penis.

(

The fuck………….? This errant X-Man wants to do what? Where? With whom, sir? With WHOM???? Not today Dick Devil, not today.)

His cellphone buzzes, HE PICKS IT UP and starts a conversation.

“No, it’s okay you can start,” he gallantly says and pushes his

arm

towards me. “I felt like topping tonight.”

Woahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Horse Hung Nelly.

One, bad phone manners.

Two,

ummm where do you think you putting that teenager arm? Not I, sir I want to live to walk another day. (Strike # 2 & 3 and the game is official called due to bats, enormous bats, being thrown onto the field without prior warning…and pictures. Before I left home…. so I wouldn’t have left home.

“You seem busy,” I say, get up and start getting dressed. I prefer to get my wisdom teeth removal by a dentist and not whatever the hell that is.

“No, I’m almost finished with the call. You can start,” he again, gallantly, completing misunderstanding any form of manners, says and offers his flesh ICBM.

“I’m turned on by good manners,” I say snottily, dressed. And leave. Using my expectation and affront at good manners to use his bad manners as the reason to leave and not discuss the WMD,

Weapon of Mass Dickability

, in the room, he wields against NYC… Hopefully Batman or

Batty

-man, can stop his dick reign of terror one day in Harlem.

Scene # 2: Indian Guy (East Asian)

Wonderful date or not, who can remember? At one fecund point in my 20s, I purposefully dated 100+ men over a couple of years to get the experience of dating under my belt (a skill lost on LGBTSGLOMNI folk) and Raj (just to maintain our racial picture) popped up, fun date, invites me to his place. We’re doing the monkey make out and he’s been boasting about all the things he wants to do, get done, do to me.

He whips out his penis and….actually he more of plucked it out of his underwear…

actually, actually, actually

… he more of

tweezered

it out…..of his briefs. Dude was jacking it hard… with two fingers… getting it….harder, hardest.

I kid you not. He was a raging hard 2 inches, 3, if you’d spotted him another inch. He was 5′9, 150lbs. And full of

braggadocio

. He was like

let’s do this!

I was young. I was very young.

I laughed.

Yeah, I admit it, I

laughed

at Mighty Mouse’s

small

ong.

Still fully dressed, feeling catfished, punked, and too immature under 30, to know how to deal with this, I got up and left because he kept waving it—-towards my face/mouth. To you know….

toothpick

him.

I’ve been in the trenches!

Professionally & Personally

Years later as a sex/sexuality-relationship professional I of course had to address men in groups and private about penile issues with helpful suggestions.

Gay men obsess over ENORMOUS penises. And with the exception of Rock Hard Seeking a Funky Place in Harlem, most men aren’t that big/long. Now Black and Latino men tend to be girthier by genetics/hereditary and Alphas tend to have shorter, stouter penises and Betas longer, thinner ones—-which ironically Betas being mostly Bottoms means the ones with the long equipment want to be garages and not semi trucks. The science centers around testosterone and estrogen also affecting penis size—-girth and length, hence identifying Beta men by longer penises and Alphas by girthier. Yes, there are random exceptions where both forms combine, like a cock Voltron, and that would be your above browner men.

Have I seen a larger White or Asian one? Yes, but though my numbers in experience/witnessing are higher than average, even higher than the average same sex normally sexually experienced man by a factor of at least 10x—-places, videos, giving out condoms to sex parties as part of work, sex shows, etc., it’s more likely to be in White men who are more height-weight proportionate or skinnier.

White men yes, have issues with male penile size from other cultures because White men witness themselves, their hue as dominant in society, but perhaps deficient in something they can’t completely control to outcome—-genetics. White people tend to neurotically fold, commit suicide, have psychological issues because the social construct of race has a backlashing effect upon them that they haven’t examined. This over concern for penile size routed in competitivity and an imposter syndrome to the visible and invisible “power” their White sanctioned skin seemingly confers but undermines. It takes a lot of energy to control others, it takes a lot of energy to ignore the effects of negative attitudes towards other cultures, it takes a lot of energy to psychically compare one’s self to masses of men. White people are disintegrating in many ways, rotting from the inside, where superiority has been allowed to bloom and now reality, creating an external cognitive dissonance, is manifesting throughout White consciousness.

The new trend is to shave off pubic hair, to look larger, particularly from those who are/feel “Smaller” comparatively speaking to our Cock Avengers list above. . Which yes, shaved clean, sometimes on lighter hued skin, reveals more of the base, adding an inch or so.

However whether being inserted into an anus or a vagina, the receptive partners pleasure—-to a male anus, the prostate—-is about 2 inches to max 4 inches, inside, and

upwards

. Similar to a woman’s “g spot”, so a long or huge penis is more about

psychological ego

—-for both, than absolute direct pleasuring coming from the penis itself.

Men and women seem to attribute power, ability and more pleasure to more penis, when it’s about less/average penis and thoughtful technique, positionality, and partner participation and guidance.

Condoms, Me and Penis Size Issues

I offer all of this from thousands of men, discussions, books, science and my own experience of when I became sexually active in my teens, having to buy

Magnum XL

condoms and buying those to this day. What I found, and this bears out here in NYC, is that the free NYC condoms were too short and tight. When I began working for non-profits that gave out thousands of condoms to night clubs and sex clubs around NYC, they had to directly and profusely lobby that HIV and STI infects were so high amongst Black and Latino men because the NYC condoms regularly broke, due to being made for White men’s penis sizes. The Dept. of Health then started making large sized ones (in an orange packet) but at a 1:20 ratio to the regular condoms.

Yes, a large penis has health repercussions and drawbacks. I would say that what I have learned over the years is to buy really good lube, check in with your partner and try a variety of positions to find a man or a woman’s comfort and pleasure with your penis, as I have. Too much language and porno suggests

smashing

and

hammering

and the God awful skin smacking/slapping of fast, intense penetration which is for theatrics, more than reality. Most people, especially gay men, are bad at sex because their continuous lessons have been porn and other men who’s lessons were from porn.

And I’m sure plenty of straight (brown) men with women have had accidental pregnancies because of condom ripping/rupture. Which made my buying my

Magnums XL

and

Trojan XLs

for 20+ years (and I still do), prescient.

I end all of this with the recommendation that you not only get several sizes and alone try them on to find your size and then your brand, but that if you are the receptive sexual partner also have two to three sized condoms on hand (along with PReP, etc.) as

growers

and

showers

and what can appear and disappear during a man’s ego and hook ups and such, are a wide field.

#KylePhoenix

#TheKylePhoenixShow

How do I motivate a child to play and learn chess? by Kyle Phoenix

Great question—-chess, taught at an early age teaches insight, foresight, planning behaviors, patience, thought control and critical thinking. I have never not known how to play chess because my parents deeply enjoyed the game, but broke up when I was about 2; they met in college (and got back together and married when I was 10). One of the first questions my father asked my mother when they reunited was if she’d taught me chess—she was like of course!

I must’ve learned it between 3–5. But to reinforce the learning, my mother and her brother pitted my cousin and I, a few months apart in age, against one another in chess (and boxing—-which my mother also taught me.) My cousin Chris—-who is—-let’s call it 45 mph in a 65 mph zone excelled at chess. But his sister, a few years younger, Kory was even better. We would have chess and boxing tournaments and then when I would visit for the summer play incessantly, all while under 12.

I would play my parents, never winning—-my father’s strategy of using the Queen’s Gambit was if I could defeat it, he would play me a second game—-if I couldn’t, he wouldn’t play me again for another 24 hours. It took me close to 20+ years before I was laying in a hospital staring at the ceiling, replaying chess games and strategies in my head, that I understood how to defeat the Queen’s Gambit.

Further I’d started working at a charter school and one of the things they were doing with the kindergarten children was teaching them chess. One day I went to help with a Saturday coverage of them and literally got hardcore trounced by a group of 9 year old's. The only saving grace is they hadn’t decided to hustle me for cash. But it was an infused part of their curriculum through middle school and high school because of all of the additives, mentally, it produces.

It’s one of the first questions I ask dates, children, parents, students, coworkers—-can you play chess? You like chess? It’s literally a mind map of their mentality and abilities to think. All of my students who can play, training at earlier ages (you generally can get to the Grandmaster levels the younger you learn, similar to Go).

What motivated me was one I got to do an adult activity that I saw they had great investment in. Then there was the competition with my cousins and the Thunderdome like atmosphere our parents created against pitting us against one another. I would say that later I enjoyed and eventually noticed that it improved not my thinking—-that would be metacognition—-but I could imagine things—-actions, tactics, etc. better because I’d learned the fundamentals of strategy and tactics through chess. What this also does is it helps to now, even in adulthood—-when irritated calm me down. It forces me to think. Not simply react. Because I was accustomed to thinking in a strategic way, I’ve normalized it so even now as an adult I’m constantly considering everything in two or three possibilities.

I’m able to rationalize reality a lot better. I might be upset at coworkers or at the processes at a job/work but then I can think about it—-detach from the emotional upset and instead consider if I will one, die if a job ends (no.) and then backtrack from here through other life scenarios or irritants and reconsider my emotional experiences.

Being able to articulate to a child that you can consider various responses and reactions enforces a sense of Agency and a lack of helplessness. I can be irritated or annoyed but I rarely feel helpless. Chess has taught me in a blunt way that there’s always another move, another option, to consider myself aside from the situation, to consider the situation aside from my direct self. While I see a personal effect sometimes I’m also able to see that affecting me is a side affect of the effect of something else.

When I talk to children and adults about learning chess, I also talk them about learning long term planning, seeing greater possibilities than one or two immediate actions. This is invaluable in helping with mathematical proficiency, reading, writing, etc. as well as social benefits.

One thing I often consider, is that aside from helplessness, I never feel wholly trapped by the vagaries of life—-I see my life in terms of a longer term timeline of moves and countermoves—-and from that, a sense of both autonomy and Grace. I’ve come to realize how much Life can’t harm me by learning to see, imagine, project, consider, strategize. That byproduct is that even when things seem dire, I’m able to project myself my thinking, the possibilities beyond myself. Talking to children about this in bite sized pieces, while teaching and practicing chess (and Go), I think are invaluable to building stronger teens/adults.

If you can, learn it; if you can, teach it to every child close to you. As a teacher, having observed those who know and those who don’t, it’s literally one of the deciding factors in cognitive abilities and mental strength.

#KylePhoenix

#TheKylePhoenixShow

1.7K views

View 2 upvotes

View 1 share