It’s different than a vagina, which is why men equating it to “manpussy” is sophomoric. Think of it like a donut that has two ringed centers. But they’re very close together.
There’s the exterior sphincter muscle and the interior.
Exterior is under mostly voluntary control and the Interior is under most involuntary control. One the Bottom can relax and the other he has to relax, breathe, calm down and then mostly relax it.
That’s generally the first challenge in penetration.
The other is lubrication. Yes there is some lubrication of the anal lining, mucus but very little and though I’ve never bene on the receiving end, I would consider it madness to just penetrate or spit and penetrate.
You need lube. lots of lube. A good lube in fact. I personally have always made it a point to invest in good lube and condoms. I’ve personally never used the free NYC condoms given out at clubs and community centers and schools here in NY. Because of the same reason why I wouldn’t seek out government manufactured cheese over a good brie.
Also, as a Top, you should have an idea of your appendage size—-length, width first for your own comfort and lack of injury. By that I mean if a condom is too small/tight, it can rip during penetration and exposé you to any sexually transmitted infections the bottom has. So it’s always been a good practice of mine to buy condoms that fit. Sometime around 18, after coming out and realizing I was going to be sexually active (hopefully) I sat at home and tried out free and larger/better condoms. I finally settled on Magnum XLs or Trojan XLs. Thy fit well and have never slipped off.
Lubes have changed over the years—-KY used to be al of the rage and available for free—-water based lubes though they dry up quickly. And like I said you want lots of lube. Now I generally spend $20-$60 on a good bottle of Gun Oil silicone lube. Slick, non-drying, works with latex and polyurethane condoms and doesn't have a bad “taste”.
There’s also now female condoms—-which are like giant Magnum XL condoms—-like putting on a jacket two size to big. The idea for a man to use it during penetration is that you insert it into the anus/rectum, put in some lube and screw away. There’s even a plastic, bendable frame at the end so that it will inflate, straighten out——ok, I tried it with a partner. Plenty of lube and patience and frankly I stopped because I thought that it was turning into a proctological exam trying to insert it, open it up, insert myself…and two, all of that effort was —-must have been painful for him at some point. It was like trying to hold open elevator doors, push in and inflate a balloon and then put your penis in.
Just the imagery alone is next to impossible.
Shirley McClaine, Alphas/Beta Men, The Tao and Porn/Men’s Groups
For several years I taught specifically a men’s group and a youth group, both LGBTSGL about sex, sexuality, relationships, etc.. I learned so much there and from previous and subsequent years of teaching men about sex that not only did I write books about it, turn notes into TV shows but I also applied it into my personal-sexual life.
On average I taught groups on Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays—-about 20–30 hours including client counseling. We even had retreats where we would take 25–50 men to a resort and inundate them with safe sex trainings, sponsored by the CDC and Big Pharma companies. The idea to essentially force/brainwash LGBTSGL men to practicing safe sex. It sounds wrong said that way but the intent was to lower, what is now the end result that 50% of all Black and Latino men will end their lives HIV+ due to their sexual practices. Hold that thought.
Shirley McClaine, in discussing reincarnation and the experiences we go through suggested, as many others have, that homosexuality is a spiritual playing out of men who were women in past lives. That the emotionality, desires and sexual congressing—-missionary, doggy style, etc. were spiritual memory reflections trying to work out being in a new physical form. An incongruity. Yes, taken further, to include trans folk too.
Keith Swain, a psychologist wrote a book, that I got in the mid 2000s, while I was teaching these groups—-detailing out Alpha and Beta non-hetero men—-about 80% being Betas and the rest Alphas due to higher levels of estrogen in betas and higher levels in Alphas. The expression of the hormones also affected and effected emotionality, physicality, intelligence and relationship relating. Deeper, which I can attest to, it’s why you might introduce two gay men, both out and seeking a male partner and they don’t find each other attractive. The science from his surveying of thousands of men was that taking the Alpha-Beta Mating Survey, which I have, applies a number to one as one self assesses. That self assessment then shows in comparison what number you are closer to and which you are in ranges to be more attracted to.
I score high in the Alpha range—-both physically and emotionally/intellectually—-which when I did it before and with the group, explained o me some of my difficulty in working with the youth and men of all ages. As an Alpha I don’t have (estrogen) empathy. I never have. No, I don’t feel your emotions with you, even when you’re upset. Nope. However later, in teaching in doing the Gallup's Strength finders it codified that I had Realtor—-I can relate to emotions or experiences I’ve had/felt and understand. For several years, earnestly wanting to work and tach better, I found myself all thumbs——because a large portion of the work involved a level of social worker psychology.
The way I compensated was to learn as much about emotions, sociology, social work psychology, behavioral science—-so that I can “read” the language of emotions better and thereby pinpoint them. Both Swain and Gallup's helped me to see that I’m just not built in certain ways. And, yes, this did affect being with men and women, Alphas being more likely to be Tops and the penetrative partner.
Again, through these teaching positions and workshops, I’m searching out materials and I find that the Tao teaches about sex and sexuality, pointedly about homosexuality and men.
What the Tao teaches is that one, homosexuality is normal and two, that penetrative sex is Yang based energy and being penetrated/receptive is Yin energy. Therefore that Yang energy needs to be recirculated as Yin energy back to the Yang penetrator. Yang being assertive, penetrative, dominating energy and Yin being receptive, nurturing, caring energy.
Armed with the above, I start teaching this all, passing out tests and meditative techniques to the men. And they started to change. finally they had a self-assessing language for who and what they were—-80% yes, Bottoms/Versatiles/Yins but Swain’s work and our practice with that and other materials started teaching them how to relate, get to know men, express themselves—-and this is important—-not be afraid of men.
As quiet as it’s kept, many, many gay men are afraid of men.
Also many men, though desiring to be penetrated are afraid of being penetrated. To consider this, one has to think about women too being afraid. It is literally the biggest body taboo to overcome——have another person enter, penetrate, invade your body. The relaxation, trust, etc. necessary explains the high usage of drugs and alcohol, pointedly with men, who are taught in society not to allow sexual/penis penetration of any of their orifices….and it is suddenly or consistently one of their core sexual desires. I think this is also the reason for so many men being in the closet, DL, discreet——because the actualization of their sexuality is both stigmatized AND invasive when weighed against how society projects men should be sexually.
Topping is easier though it may require a testosterone inclination towards it or a sexualized interest in it or a reincarnated interest in it. I often press Bottoms i workshops, 8-% of Gay men being Bottoms or Versatiles, to try and language convey what they feel/want. And more for Tops to tell them what they find attractive in a man—-no it’s not a naked pic of you or your winking anus—-that’s an inversion of hetero normativity showing a Hustler pic vagina. I knowing what I’m doing in form and theory for decades have never thought to myself to check out a guy’s anus and compare it to others/in attractiveness.
Tops, about 20% of the gay male population, yes, have a wealth, breadth and depth of men to choose from. And that’s a good thing. But it also creates a lazy lion syndrome, where being able to choose form any lion’s in the pack, one leans back and chooses casually or worse, chooses and abandons for the new flavor of the week. Which goes all back into the Tao and energy and Shirley and reincarnation and such.
What it feels like, beyond the physical, is choice and power.
#KylePhoenix
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