Friday, August 30, 2013

Are You Really Horny? by Kyle Phoenix

               Sex is fun.  No, really it is.  To some men interested in men it isn’t.  It isn’t because there’s a lack of potential sexual partners but not all MSM grow up with a positive sexual image.  Without a positive sex and sexuality image men are prone to feelings of shame and guilt about their sexuality.  And from that comes secrecy, depression, self destructiveness, etc..  But what if your sexuality were fundamentally good?  I think mine is.  I like it.  I’ve tried lots of things, had lots of varied and interesting partners in short and long term relationships. 

            I teach, broadcast and write about sex and sexuality so much so that I often forget that my own personal reticence and fears.  My work sort of creates a constant balm agent so that when I read online or chat with friends and they express negative stuff around sex and sexuality, it strikes me as odd.  My biggest turn off is when men talk “men” and how they are.  Personally, for the most part, men have been fairly good to me.  Oh sure there have been angels who were cleverly disguised as jerks but I’ve learned that when I got better, when I put out healthier vibes healthy vibing men were attracted to me.  Honestly when men starting talking about men in a negative way, which is a form of self-flagellation, I tend to find ways to avoid them, minimize my contact.  Who wants to be around that?  I discovered, certainly not the good, interesting, sexy, fun men.

               Following that healthier, fundamental good vibration about myself I’ve been really pretty happy with sex and often confused by the term horny.  Lots of times the men who talk the most about being horny, I find are lonely, depressed, unsatisfied, unhappy.  The distraction of sexual intimacy is often a cover for a lack of emotional intimacy.  So I’ve come to challenge men, when they say they’re horny that they’re really looking for/desiring intimacy.  I don’t press anyone to truly figure out right then and there if it’s sexual/physical or emotional/intellectual intimacy they’re truly searching for but it generally creates an interesting discussion.   It also gives a roundabout insight in the discussion to who’s really happy with their sex life and sexuality.  There’s a mass agreement that some MSM believe: that having a non-heterosexual sexuality means one isn’t going to be happy.  That not being part of the heterosexual majority is being cast from the human tribe and the penalty is a self-imposed shame.

               But sex feels good. 

In order to get around this grain of sand caught between one’s psychic teeth, MSM relegate their desires, a broader spectrum of desires for intimacy, to horniness.  Rather than admit (somehow the learned male ego of fear of being vulnerable is wrapped up in here too) that one wants both sexual/physical intimacy and emotional/intellectual intimacy and that they aren’t always going to come from the same singular source.  That it’s possible to have a sex positive relationship with one’s self and others without the shame.  That it doesn't have to be some dark, shameful, rushed act that happens in less than 30 minutes (I still can’t believe that men believe 30 minutes is “good” sex.  Hilariously sad, like the tears of a clown.)
There have been times when I’ve had lots of sex, several times a week with wonderful partners, all safely, other times when I’ve been in a monogamous relationship and other times when I’ve been celibate.  All offer pros and cons, benefits and detraction.  However I try to be clear of the distinction between when I’m seeking sexual fun and emotional intimacy, and I make efforts to sate both (if I’m not in an LTR) with a relish and joy that I find even surprising in myself. 

I think I’m lucky in many respects that my religious and spiritual beliefs don’t’ include heavy Judeo-Christian sexual mores and that my parents were liberated enough to discuss sex with me and display emotion and attraction often.  I learned from that a lack of judgment about others and mostly about myself.  Though I can tell you there are times when other men find my lack of shame or guilt startling…and conversely I find their surprise startling, as well.  I do tend to avoid men who are so sure of their horniness and can only articulate their sexuality through sex.  If they can be vulnerable, share that in some way, even for a moment, it makes the other moments ecstatic.  Horny suddenly turns into hunger and intimacy and with patience, effort, whether for a day or years, I’ve found that it’s wonderful because I’ve discovered something from my teens until now, two decades later.

Sex is fun when the acknowledgement of intimacy is present.
Emotional and intellectual sharing is fun too because it can be deeply intimate.
And sometimes, pretty much all the time, I feel the desire to get intimate.


Thank you for reading,

Kyle Phoenix
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Monday, August 5, 2013

Condom maker breaks down penis size by state, city by Tom Barlow


If the Wild West is the home of manly men, you wouldn't know it by the penis size study just released by Condomania. Men in Utah and Wyoming apparently caught the short end of the stick. In contrast, residents of New Hampshire, Oregon and New York must be bursting with pride at finishing at the top of this list.

Condomania began marketing TheyFit condoms six years ago, a set of 76 varied sizes to provide a perfect fit. The data pool for this study has swelled to more than 27,000 men, enough to draw some tentative conclusions. The tumescent curve runs from 3" to 10", falling into a Bell normal curve with half between 5" and 6". This conforms with previous studies, including the Kinsey Report.
Broken down by city, the list of the most well-endowed citizens is topped by:

1. New Orleans
2. Washington DC
3. San Diego
4. New York City
5. Phoenix
6. Portland
7. Atlanta
8. San Francisco
9. Chicago
10. St. Louis
11. Seattle
12. Miami
13. Indianapolis
14. Columbus
15. Boston
16. Denver
17. Los Angeles
18. Detroit
19. Philadelphia
20. Dallas/Ft. Worth

How about your state? Here are the results, again, in descending order
    50 States Ordered by Penis Size
  1. New Hampshire
  2. Oregon
  3. New York
  4. Indiana
  5. Arizona
  6. Hawaii
  7. Louisiana
  8. Massachusetts
  9. Alabama
  10. Washington
  11. New Mexico
  12. California
  13. Arkansas
  14. Nevada
  15. Virginia
  16. Tennessee
  17. Illinois
  18. Oklahoma
  19. South Dakota
  20. Georgia
  21. Pennsylvania
  22. Mississippi
  23. Michigan
  24. Florida
  25. Rhode Island
  26. Kansas
  27. Maryland
  28. Minnesota
  29. Vermont
  30. Connecticut
  31. Wisconsin
  32. New Jersey
  33. North Dakota
  34. Idaho
  35. Texas
  36. Missouri
  37. Montana
  38. Ohio
  39. Nebraska
  40. Colorado
  41. Maine
  42. North Carolina
  43. Delaware
  44. South Carolina
  45. Kentucky
  46. West Virginia
  47. Alaska
  48. Iowa
  49. Utah
  50. Wyoming

  51. Enjoy!
  52. Kyle Phoenix
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Thursday, August 1, 2013

Why Some Straight Men Are Romantically or Sexually Attracted to Other Men

Joe Kort, Ph.D.


Straight Men Gay Sex
I recently wrote a blog post about the music video for singer-songwriter Steve Grand's song "All-American Boy," in which a gay man falls in love with a straight man and they share a quick kiss. In that post I addressed why gay men might be attracted to straight men, but that question raises another: Why might a straight man be romantically or sexually attracted to other men? Why did the straight guy in the video kiss the gay guy back, after all?
The following scenario happens many times: A man comes into my office, referred by his own therapist and clutching coming-out literature that the therapist has given him. He explains that his therapist has tried, unsuccessfully, to help him come out as gay or bisexual, but even though he's had sex with other men or gone to gay porn websites, he insists that he isn't gay. He says that he isn't homophobic either; if it turns out that he is indeed gay or bisexual, he'll accept it and move on with his life, but the label just doesn't feel right to him.
During the last three decades, in reaction to prejudiced and destructive anti-gay attitudes, we've seen the pendulum swing so far in the other direction that it's now become almost a therapeutic credo, not to mention a requirement of political correctness, to assume that men who have sex with men are "in denial" and need help to recognize and accept their "true" homosexual orientation. In fact, neither extreme represents the experience of many men. The truth is that many men who have sex with men aren't gay or even bisexual. Although their mental and emotional state resembles that of the initial stages of coming out, gay and bisexual men go on to develop a gay or a bisexual identity, whereas these men don't.

When I write about straight men who are attracted to or having sex with other men, I receive numerous negative responses, mostly from gay men who have lived in the closet, convincing themselves that they were straight, and may have even had relationships or marriages with women. "You are keeping these men closeted and harming them!" they shout at me. But what these gay men don't realize is that I am not talking about men likethem. These gay men were suppressing an identity: a sexual and romantic identity of being gay. These are not the men I am addressing here.
In 2008 I started Straight Guise, a website and blog open to all who wish to read, post comments and have a dialogue about men who have sex with men. It explores the many reasons that men have sex with other men, only some of which have anything to do with homosexuality or bisexuality.
Many types of men engage in same-sex relationships, for a variety of reasons, which I will identify for you. Here are a few of them:
  • Acting out early-childhood sexual abuse: This is also known as "homosexual imprinting." These heterosexual men are not homosexually oriented. They do not sexually desire, nor are they aroused by, other men. However, they compulsively reenact childhood sexual abuse by male perpetrators through their sexual behaviors with other men. If a basically heterosexual boy is molested by a male relative, he may keep "returning to the scene of the crime" to defuse his emotional pain or desensitize himself to it. When his original trauma gets cleared up, the "homosexual" behavior he's reenacting ceases. This isn't about gayness; it is about sexual abuse.
  • Sex work or escorting: These heterosexual men voluntarily engage in sexual behavior with other men for the financial reward, but they lack desire for other men and are aroused by the sexual behavior, not by the man. It is widely known in the porn and sex work industries that straight men who have sex with men are paid more than they would be for sex with women.
  • Seeking intensely arousing but personally shameful experiences (e.g., penetration by a dildo, bondage): These are heterosexual men who are strongly interested in various sexual experiences that many people might label "homosexual." To avoid being identified in this way by women, they seek out men, whom they perceive as nonjudgmental.
  • First sexual experience: Sometimes heterosexual males experiment with other males sexually, usually in adolescence and/or young adulthood (up to age 25), for the experience or to satisfy curiosity.
  • Availability/opportunity: These straight men have high sex drives and are sexually aroused easily. They connect with men for physical sexual release, which can be quick and easy and allows them avoid having to emotionally engage.
  • Father hunger: These are heterosexual men who crave affection and attention from their fathers and seek sex with men as a way of getting that male nurturance and acceptance.
  • Sexual orientation toward men but emotional/romantic orientation toward women: These are men who are romantically attracted to women and are usually partnered with women. They can be sexual with women they love, but they are predominately aroused and driven sexually by desire for sex with other men.
  • Narcissism: These are straight men who are self-absorbed and have a constant need for attention and acceptance; they use sexuality with men to be worshipped and adored.
  • Sexual addiction: "Gay" behavior can be the result of sexual addiction. But even a "cured" sex addict may still feel attracted to men, as do celibate gay priests.
  • Cuckolding: These straight men enjoy fantasies of -- or the reality of -- their female partners having sex with other men, either in front of them, nearby or with their knowledge about when and where it occurs. They're often sexually aroused by feeling humiliated that their female partners are being pleased by another man whom they see as more potent and better endowed. Other men enjoy being sexual with another man's female partner in front of him, or at least with his knowledge. Sometimes they engage in sexual behavior with the man, but only in the presence of the female partner.
  • Exhibitionism: These straight men enjoy being looked at by both men and women as long as they are being admired for their bodies. Many are body builders and muscular and enjoy the homoerotic attention of gay men and might even flirt with gay men to encourage more admiration.
  • Sexual release in prison: These straight men engage in sexual behavior with other men in prison. Their sexual release with another person occurs with men only because men are what's available. Once released from prison, these men no longer engage in sexual behavior with men.
This is by no means an exhaustive list of reasons that some straight men might engage in sexual behavior with other men. In any case, it's crucial to give each man who has sex with men information about homosexuality, bisexuality and the coming-out process, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, family-of-origin issues, and mood disorders that could contribute to the desire to have sex with men. However, it's up to the man himself to decide if his interest in sex with other men is the beginning of the coming-out process, a sign of early sexual abuse, a sexual addiction, or some other form of acting out. It could also just be that once-in-a-while sex with men is something that a man might want and means nothing more than that. As Freud is often said to have remarked, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar!"