Do Gay And Queer Men Struggle For Intimate Stability? by Sean Smith of MUSED

Conversations with socially conscious LGBTQ identified associates and friends occur often in my life, but few of them leave me with lingering thoughts which I find myself intensely analyzing a few days later. I recently had a conversation with a friend who posed a question, which at the time, I did not think too deeply into; only to find myself sitting here a few days later pondering our discussion.

He wondered if gay/queer men who engage in intimate – emotional or sexual – connections with their friends bear connection to gay/queer men who struggle to find permanent intimacy (in layman’s terms, could fraternal intimacy be detrimental to the desire for permanent intimate stability). Honestly, when he first asked the question, I personally did not see a connection. Actually, I told him that I think gay and queer men have a difficult time finding intimacy simply because we do not want to.  I often felt and still feel to some extent that many of us avoid seeking permanent intimate relationships because we fear being neglected, objectified, and faced with the burden of defining a sense of stability that has been void within many of our lives. Our lack of understanding who we are, our constant struggle for acceptance, and our fear of neglect are all valid reasons as to why we settle for fraternal intimacy.

I personally was raised in an environment and situation where stability was not the norm for me. From the age of approximately 10 until 18, I moved from house to house every two to five years. I was forced to witness domestic abuse – my father was and still is absent from my life – and intimate relationships were impossible because I struggled with my own identity. It was nearly impossible for me to become accustomed to anyone else. For many gay and queer identified men, I feel that we share similar stories. We not only struggle with determining who we are or may want to be, but that any sense of permanence for us is simply a disaster waiting to happen. We are books still waiting to be opened and interpreted and statues devoid of a stable foundation. It is not uncommon for us to read stories of gay and queer men who struggle to build a relationship with their father, or simply exist with an identity that is consistently questioned by discriminatory social norms; so it is not shocking to me that we also struggle to create and maintain romantic intimacy and instead settle for temporary fraternal companionship.

We all enjoying cuddling; sex is one of the best things around, and who better to call then that friend who will offer you both sex and companionship on a rainy Saturday night. But relationships operate on stability, a characteristic built on communication, confidence, security, and trust of ourselves and our partners. If we were unaccustomed to stability as adolescents, how can we expect ourselves to reproduce that behavior once we mature? It becomes second nature to say we have difficulty finding our type, but in all honesty I think we have difficulty in finding and understanding ourselves.

Permanence requires an investigation into a realm of new possibilities, and quite frankly, it is hard to break old habits even if they are our parents’ that we never understood from the beginning. While I personally do not believe that there is anything egregious with fraternal intimacy, I will say that the game of intimate hide-and-seek that many of us have elected to play only further destroys the opportunity to repair ourselves. Many of us are broken, feel invisible, and continue to carry around in a Ziplock bag the baggage that was unknowingly placed upon us and our mastered action of avoidance continues to foster missed opportunities at the stability that many of us desire.

Friends are amazing, especially friends who can relate to every part of our being. But friends are often as toxic to us as we are to ourselves. Friends or those we call friends are often consumed with painting over their own problems that any advice or sexual assistance they may provide is filled with so much pain and strife that finding stability becomes as unbearable as watching a drag queen who has forgotten the lyrics. I implore you that the next time you call that cuddle buddy, instead ask yourself what is it that you really desire; can your two-hour snack and movie session truly fill the void of your desired happiness – I think not. As gay and queer identified men, it is time we move beyond our common practice of avoidance and internal destruction and give ourselves the permanence that we all at some point seek and desire. How you gain internal stability is up to you, but just a bit of advice: it first begins with understanding yourself and avoiding the toxic relationships of/with others; including those you may create with friends.

Enjoy!
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@gmail.com
Amazon.com: simply type in Kyle Phoenix for over 28 paperback and digital books!
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Are You Really Horny? by Kyle Phoenix

               Sex is fun.  No, really it is.  To some men interested in men it isn’t.  It isn’t because there’s a lack of potential sexual partners but not all MSM grow up with a positive sexual image.  Without a positive sex and sexuality image men are prone to feelings of shame and guilt about their sexuality.  And from that comes secrecy, depression, self destructiveness, etc..  But what if your sexuality were fundamentally good?  I think mine is.  I like it.  I’ve tried lots of things, had lots of varied and interesting partners in short and long term relationships. 

            I teach, broadcast and write about sex and sexuality so much so that I often forget that my own personal reticence and fears.  My work sort of creates a constant balm agent so that when I read online or chat with friends and they express negative stuff around sex and sexuality, it strikes me as odd.  My biggest turn off is when men talk “men” and how they are.  Personally, for the most part, men have been fairly good to me.  Oh sure there have been angels who were cleverly disguised as jerks but I’ve learned that when I got better, when I put out healthier vibes healthy vibing men were attracted to me.  Honestly when men starting talking about men in a negative way, which is a form of self-flagellation, I tend to find ways to avoid them, minimize my contact.  Who wants to be around that?  I discovered, certainly not the good, interesting, sexy, fun men.

               Following that healthier, fundamental good vibration about myself I’ve been really pretty happy with sex and often confused by the term horny.  Lots of times the men who talk the most about being horny, I find are lonely, depressed, unsatisfied, unhappy.  The distraction of sexual intimacy is often a cover for a lack of emotional intimacy.  So I’ve come to challenge men, when they say they’re horny that they’re really looking for/desiring intimacy.  I don’t press anyone to truly figure out right then and there if it’s sexual/physical or emotional/intellectual intimacy they’re truly searching for but it generally creates an interesting discussion.   It also gives a roundabout insight in the discussion to who’s really happy with their sex life and sexuality.  There’s a mass agreement that some MSM believe: that having a non-heterosexual sexuality means one isn’t going to be happy.  That not being part of the heterosexual majority is being cast from the human tribe and the penalty is a self-imposed shame.

               But sex feels good. 

In order to get around this grain of sand caught between one’s psychic teeth, MSM relegate their desires, a broader spectrum of desires for intimacy, to horniness.  Rather than admit (somehow the learned male ego of fear of being vulnerable is wrapped up in here too) that one wants both sexual/physical intimacy and emotional/intellectual intimacy and that they aren’t always going to come from the same singular source.  That it’s possible to have a sex positive relationship with one’s self and others without the shame.  That it doesn't have to be some dark, shameful, rushed act that happens in less than 30 minutes (I still can’t believe that men believe 30 minutes is “good” sex.  Hilariously sad, like the tears of a clown.)

There have been times when I’ve had lots of sex, several times a week with wonderful partners, all safely, other times when I’ve been in a monogamous relationship and other times when I’ve been celibate.  All offer pros and cons, benefits and detraction.  However I try to be clear of the distinction between when I’m seeking sexual fun and emotional intimacy, and I make efforts to sate both (if I’m not in an LTR) with a relish and joy that I find even surprising in myself. 

I think I’m lucky in many respects that my religious and spiritual beliefs don’t’ include heavy Judeo-Christian sexual mores and that my parents were liberated enough to discuss sex with me and display emotion and attraction often.  I learned from that a lack of judgment about others and mostly about myself.  Though I can tell you there are times when other men find my lack of shame or guilt startling…and conversely I find their surprise startling, as well.  I do tend to avoid men who are so sure of their horniness and can only articulate their sexuality through sex.  If they can be vulnerable, share that in some way, even for a moment, it makes the other moments ecstatic.  Horny suddenly turns into hunger and intimacy and with patience, effort, whether for a day or years, I’ve found that it’s wonderful because I’ve discovered something from my teens until now, two decades later.

Sex is fun when the acknowledgement of intimacy is present.

Emotional and intellectual sharing is fun too because it can be deeply intimate.

And sometimes, pretty much all the time, I feel the desire to get intimate.

Enjoy!!!!

Thank you for reading,

Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@gmail.com
Website: http://kylephoenix.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/
Amazon.com: simply type in Kyle Phoenix for over 25 paperback and digital books!
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! 
Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast

Relationships: What A Good Man Is Not and the Book on Getting One by Kyle Phoenix

Generally the way the production process works is I produce and host the televised, The Kyle Phoenix Show at the studio late in the week and then review all of the emails and such over the weekend to scan for ideas and reply to people.  It's amazing and wonderful how many people (men and women) who've sent me emails on Facebook and to kylephoenixshow@aol.com relating to the concept of a Good Man.  I created it as a riff and as an emblem because it answered what a man was and was relatable 

It kept coming up so much that eventually I just designed a whole book around it.  Good Men for Men, the paperback and E book pulls together all of the questions, information and solutions for how to find, date, keep and love (and receive love) from a Good Man.  I was even able to get the permission of some of my counseling clients, individuals and couples to relate their experiences in detail about sex, money, divergent goals, etc..  There is particular interest from emails in not only what is a Good Man but now asking what does a Good Man  not want? Specifically there are some positions in your life that a Good Man  does not want to occupy.  I've been on dates and lead workshops and read your emails and I've narrowed it down to categories that are verboten

Your Girlfriend
A Good Man  is not your besty.  He's not your BFF.  He's not interested in all the latest gossip, television shows, office drama, family politics and shopping dilemmas you might have.  Now yes, of course, a Good Man n is interested in you, perhaps even fascinated but every man or woman needs a best friend, a pack even that they can hang and chatter with.  Often MSM try to turn a man into their new besty, he resists and that's seen as not caring or disloyalty when in fact, he's not interested in being your girlfriend.  In fact you might want to make it a line that's held closer to you that he has to pursue crossing.  That will tell you how much of your romantic relationship can include your normal way of relating to a friend.  You're trying to develop a relationship, based in friendship but with a romantic direction/outcome.

Your Parent
He will like you, he might even love you but he's not interested in raising you.  You must arrive with maturity intact or be working on it.  Managing the vagaries of your life (cell phone, school, work, clothing, manners, etc.) are not a mate's responsibility.  There might be some overlap or assistance but you don't want to be in the position where your immaturity gives a partner so much power that control and love are deeply mixed.  You want instead to be maturing together, to be assisting each other, to be advancing each other whether that be socially, financially, emotionally but you don't want to be identified as the one who shouldn't be left alone at home because you're helpless.  Now a Good Man  might be helpful and protective to you but that's something you allow or let him do, you could do it if he dropped dead in ten minutes.  MSM not having experience in how to verbally negotiate and therefore balance out control, power and responsibility in romantic relationships often allow or encourage their unmet childhood needs to become the predominant issue.  Overspending, staying out/partying without regard or agreement to a partner, pushing all mature responsibility onto a partner because "he's a/the man", doesn't work.


Your Woman or A Woman
Just because you're a homosexual and might truly feel some deep feminine elements around your identity (and scientific research into estrogen in males, the effects upon the brain and sexuality supports those feelings) your "feminine heart" might not be what he was fully expecting or signing up for.  Femininity and feminine men are fantastic, in fact most MSM who subscribe to perfect or the idea of hyper-masculinity, are alone perpetually.  Good Man  accept that you're feminine, they find it amusing, delightful, sexy and something to allow them to care for and protect.  But he didn't sign up to be with your mother, or your auntie or your girlfriend and their female to male drama.  You won't have the same conflicts because of sex/gender, accept it.  There are certain attitudes and thoughts men have that your mother's advice will conflict with---because she's not a man.  MSM make the huge error or trying to be the woman they idolize in a relationship or effeminize a Good Man  who's comfortable with not being emasculated.

Here's a secret, your female friends and relatives who are alone, don't know how to be with a man.  Never trust someone who's dry spell involves the words "years" and is an entirely different sexuality than the relationship you're in.

Your Therapist
He likes you, he might even love you and everyone has issues.  Here is the best advice you will ever receive that will make your relationship viable.  Don't.  Tell.  Him.  Everything.  Biggest mistake ever. Let's do a fun list.  We'll call it, the Issues List.

1. Bad Credit/Money Management Issues
2. Overbearing Mother/Father/Family Issues
3. HIV+/Herpes/STD Issues or You Like To Bareback
4. Violent Ex/Abuse Issues
5. Unemployed/Under-educated Insecurities in Comparison to him
6. Intimacy, Sexual Fears or You've Been a SuperSlut
7. You've been hurt and have Trust Issues
8. Parental Non-Acceptance Issues
9. You did porn years ago
10. You're rich and have trust issues

The fantastic thing about 1 through 10 is you can work all of that in therapy.  The truthful thing is you can't work that out with just a Good Man .  You need a time frame in order to know when to bring things up.  This is where the concept of not being immediately sexual with someone on the first date comes in and limiting the time of a date so that you don't start emotionally vomiting.  You want time to be liked for your wonderful self not seen as someone cute with a lot of problems.

 Think in terms of: 1 Date, 3rd Date, Before You Have Sex, 5th Date, 3 Months, Before You Move in Together, Never, After 1 Year, He Already Knew That.

Love isn't accepting someone for all their faults---it's falling in love with someone and having time to see the incorporation of issues to the one you love.  Love and time buffer the harsh truths of other human beings.  Absolute disclosure destroy intimacy.  Tell your therapist 1 through 10.  Write down on a piece of paper what to talk about and what not to.  There's stuff about a Good Man  you don't know and you might also want to consider that telling him everything upfront and then not dating after a week or two means that there's someone walking around with your dossier...who will tell his friends and family, post it to Facebook, mention it to co-workers, etc.  Give time time.

Your Plaything
A Good Man  is generally looking for that someone special,someone who can appreciate all the work he's done on himself and is ready to talk about long term plans and hopes and dreams.  Wanting to hit a bar or two and maybe mess around with him is looking for a plaything, not a real connection.    When you meet a Good Man , he will probably be focused on not only his own life goals but in making a meaningful connection so you have to be ready as well to deal with a good man arriving in your life.  Lots of MSM complain about the lack of Good Man but aren't doing anything to better themselves for when one arrives   It's a way of internalizing shame and homophobia: "I'll complain about discrimination but I don't truly act like I'm worth what I say I deserve.  Thereby a Good Man  will never show up, one proving my misguided point and two, letting me off the hook to actualizing myself/identity."

The point that this all brings together is that one wants to be conscious of one's self and actions when you meet a man.  Not that you're expected to walk on eggshells but you should put your best foot forward and slowly reveal your club foot.  Your interests, hobbies, sparkling personality should be put forward, not your problems or misconceptions.  What makes a Good Man  attracted to you is YOU not all of the other extraneous things around you.  Give him time to enjoy you, to know you, to think you're wonderful and special then slowly talk about your childhood, your life errors, your crazy friends, your messy parents----he's much more likely to want to hang in there.  Ironically true intimacy is the reverse of what we normally do in life---you have to reveal your inner, true self, not the external dramatic stuff first.

Take a look at the book and after you read it, let me know what you think or any additional questions you might have!

Enjoy!!!
Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast

Instant Intimacy By Iyanla Vanzant On Kyle Phoenix Blog

Instant Intimacy

We can become so emotionally charged by a person that we allow ourselves to be intimate before we know who the person really is. When we give our bodies to another being, we are giving them a piece of our souls. We might want to take the time to find out if they deserve it. Sexual activity is not the only way to let someone know we like them. Sharing information, supporting each other’s goals, giving of our time and energy without expectations sends a much stronger message than sex. We must take time to know the other person; understand what they want, where they are going and figure out if we want to be in the same place. When we let down our hair too early in the game, we are apt to end up with a messed up head.

I will choose time over intimacy.

By Iyanla Vanzant


Thank you,
Kyle Phoenix
kylephoenixshow@aol.com
http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Face Book or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/