Are You Really Horny? by Kyle Phoenix

               Sex is fun.  No, really it is.  To some men interested in men it isn’t.  It isn’t because there’s a lack of potential sexual partners but not all MSM grow up with a positive sexual image.  Without a positive sex and sexuality image men are prone to feelings of shame and guilt about their sexuality.  And from that comes secrecy, depression, self destructiveness, etc..  But what if your sexuality were fundamentally good?  I think mine is.  I like it.  I’ve tried lots of things, had lots of varied and interesting partners in short and long term relationships. 

            I teach, broadcast and write about sex and sexuality so much so that I often forget that my own personal reticence and fears.  My work sort of creates a constant balm agent so that when I read online or chat with friends and they express negative stuff around sex and sexuality, it strikes me as odd.  My biggest turn off is when men talk “men” and how they are.  Personally, for the most part, men have been fairly good to me.  Oh sure there have been angels who were cleverly disguised as jerks but I’ve learned that when I got better, when I put out healthier vibes healthy vibing men were attracted to me.  Honestly when men starting talking about men in a negative way, which is a form of self-flagellation, I tend to find ways to avoid them, minimize my contact.  Who wants to be around that?  I discovered, certainly not the good, interesting, sexy, fun men.

               Following that healthier, fundamental good vibration about myself I’ve been really pretty happy with sex and often confused by the term horny.  Lots of times the men who talk the most about being horny, I find are lonely, depressed, unsatisfied, unhappy.  The distraction of sexual intimacy is often a cover for a lack of emotional intimacy.  So I’ve come to challenge men, when they say they’re horny that they’re really looking for/desiring intimacy.  I don’t press anyone to truly figure out right then and there if it’s sexual/physical or emotional/intellectual intimacy they’re truly searching for but it generally creates an interesting discussion.   It also gives a roundabout insight in the discussion to who’s really happy with their sex life and sexuality.  There’s a mass agreement that some MSM believe: that having a non-heterosexual sexuality means one isn’t going to be happy.  That not being part of the heterosexual majority is being cast from the human tribe and the penalty is a self-imposed shame.

               But sex feels good. 

In order to get around this grain of sand caught between one’s psychic teeth, MSM relegate their desires, a broader spectrum of desires for intimacy, to horniness.  Rather than admit (somehow the learned male ego of fear of being vulnerable is wrapped up in here too) that one wants both sexual/physical intimacy and emotional/intellectual intimacy and that they aren’t always going to come from the same singular source.  That it’s possible to have a sex positive relationship with one’s self and others without the shame.  That it doesn't have to be some dark, shameful, rushed act that happens in less than 30 minutes (I still can’t believe that men believe 30 minutes is “good” sex.  Hilariously sad, like the tears of a clown.)

There have been times when I’ve had lots of sex, several times a week with wonderful partners, all safely, other times when I’ve been in a monogamous relationship and other times when I’ve been celibate.  All offer pros and cons, benefits and detraction.  However I try to be clear of the distinction between when I’m seeking sexual fun and emotional intimacy, and I make efforts to sate both (if I’m not in an LTR) with a relish and joy that I find even surprising in myself. 

I think I’m lucky in many respects that my religious and spiritual beliefs don’t’ include heavy Judeo-Christian sexual mores and that my parents were liberated enough to discuss sex with me and display emotion and attraction often.  I learned from that a lack of judgment about others and mostly about myself.  Though I can tell you there are times when other men find my lack of shame or guilt startling…and conversely I find their surprise startling, as well.  I do tend to avoid men who are so sure of their horniness and can only articulate their sexuality through sex.  If they can be vulnerable, share that in some way, even for a moment, it makes the other moments ecstatic.  Horny suddenly turns into hunger and intimacy and with patience, effort, whether for a day or years, I’ve found that it’s wonderful because I’ve discovered something from my teens until now, two decades later.

Sex is fun when the acknowledgement of intimacy is present.

Emotional and intellectual sharing is fun too because it can be deeply intimate.

And sometimes, pretty much all the time, I feel the desire to get intimate.

Enjoy!!!!

Thank you for reading,

Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@gmail.com
Website: http://kylephoenix.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/
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