Sexual Repression and Homosexuality

How is it possible to be repressed and be a homosexual man (or woman)?  When we consider sexuality in our culture, isn't the normal projection that men who have sex with men are constantly having sex?  That unfettered by the female expectation of social restriction, pregnancy and courtship (to some degree) this leaves men to simply fornicate constantly?   What we tend not to consider is the burden of manhood, religion, inability at one's sexuality and social factors when we measure the sexuality of MSM.

The construct, particularly the Westernized construct of manhood not only doesn't consider but in fact finds the concept of a man being penetrated by a man synonymous to rape at worst and mental illness at best.  The weight of these projections rest upon MSM as well as heterosexual men.  How to reconcile penetrating a man or even more terrifying, laying on one's back, throwing one's legs to heaven and allowing one's self to be penetrated, willingly.

Once while talking to a female friend in college, she shared that she was a virgin but that her and her boyfriend were fooling around.  And while she found him intensely sexually attractive she was terrified of penetrative sex.  I told her that it was probably the most fundamentally natural feeling to have.  Our biology, outside from eating and elimination, is geared at not allowing anything foreign into it.  To psychologically overcome the biological aversion/fear of being penetrated (perhaps infected with a disease at worse or simply having some form of anal/tearing at best) is natural.  Even if one is the Top, the concept of getting penetrative stimulation from penetrating another men, particularly through an area that has been so erroneous associated with only elimination means that being sexual is a hurdle in simply the mechanics because of manhood.


America, westernized civilization, whether we know how to handle it is a Christian dominated culture.  The next religions in size Islam and Judaism are not lovingly amenable to homosexuality either.  However what we have to remember is that the major religions were conceived thousands of years ago by people roaming deserts and people who had to socially control millions of people.  Application of religion to society now is often difficult, which is why there are millions of preachers explaining and codifying the same text.

The social weight of growing up in a family that was either not too religious or excessively so, their morality was influenced by the society they were born into.  A boy growing into a physically and sexually mature male would probably not have appropriate, self esteem building role models.  Human beings grow through maturity by having role models, we've only recently in society as a whole, pointedly with the internet, had the availability of multiple perspectives no matter where you're born.

Where are many homosexuals getting an education around their sexuality?  Pornography.  Porn, while physically demonstrative of what to do, where to put it, and even how to react is still an artificial construct.  Imagine learning how sue for child custody by watching Kill Bill.  Yes, it's just as warped and extreme.

Inability At One's Sexuality 

This leads to an inability at what to do, how to do, when to do one's sexuality.  What are the dating rules?  What does non-sexual intimacy look like?  What's the appropriate time to be sexual?  Men and women, who are heterosexual, don't realize the fortune of having a guide of dating, courtship, engagement, marriage to follow.  Simply that structure allows heterosexuals to adhere to it or to not adhere to it.  Imagine that, a road map.  Now imagine not having a road map.  The terror at doing what feels good and natural but there being so few sources to check with. And more insanely who are the role models, other homosexual men who haven't had role models so many men are exhausted at contradictory rules and expectations.  The male ego is most fragile around failure, especially when the outcome is in such an intimate areas: love, sex, acceptance.

 Social Factors

Not all homosexuals grow up in wild, socially expansive cosmopolitan cities like New York or Chicago or Miami or San Francisco.  Without having a Castro Street or a Greenwich Village to migrate to and explore one might be trapped in a small town, with enforced mores around behavior and sexuality.  That might impact finding a boyfriend (or a girlfriend), learning to date, having healthy sexual relationships, etc..  How many homosexuals had desperate crushes or full blown love with someone in high school or college who was rightfully experimenting with their sexuality?  And then that person moved on, homosexuality, and therefore you, not being an acceptable part of their lives?

It is actually normal to experiment with sexuality but if you think you're the only one in the universe in your growing up place, you find another and that relationship changes, it's debilitating.  And when something is so impactful to the ego, the sense of self, people shutdown.  The social weight of not being able to engage in the social game of dating, mating and sexuality---(your friend not having the social right to experiment with their sexuality, yes, you've imposed a rigid sense of binary based sexuality on the other person, too.  Yup, homosexuals can be rigid and bigoted about their expectations about the sexualities of others.  In fact, more so than heterosexuals.)---leaves a man untutored in how to date, to love, to be intimate.  High school is the training ground for mating and dating but if you came from a venue that didn't allow this without abuse, bullying and ridicule then you hid your sexuality.  And if your family, controllers of resources and love in your life, had mores that suggested your sexuality was verboten then you got real comfortable in the closet.

And you might still be living a closeted life.  Why?  Have you considered that it is your inherent human right from the universe---or whatever you believe in---to be free, to be loved, to be accepted?  Even more importantly, that all the people you might not be revealing your sexuality to will die one day and most times, they aren't thinking about you or your sexuality.  In fact possibly not being transparent about yourself is denying them the right to deal with their views on sexuality (and sometimes their own sexuality)?

It is revolutionary to find a man or woman who is able to love intimately their own gender because they've had to climb over their own physical fears, their initial perceptions of God, bad information and maybe everyone up to the moment they're in your arms, on that first date with, asking you out.

Be gentle.  With yourself and others.

If you're not interested, let them down easy but let them know how fantastic you think they are.  Maybe even still try going out on a date with.  Heterosexuals have dates that don't lead to instant love every day.  In fact when polled heterosexuals overwhelmingly say that it took 10 to 20 dates before they felt deeply attracted/in love to their mate.  Think of how quality that information is for how humans build intimacy.  They take their time, they don't allow sexual impulses or lack to be the only reason to mate.

You can't get pregnant so a date isn't a permanent, lifetime connection.  Experiment with it.  Learn to "duty date".  You won't love everyone.  You don't have to be sexual to be liked or feel whole.  You're just practicing moving beyond immediate sex to making your sexuality the norm, for yourself and others.  The worse that can happen is you become a free, fun, attractive date who doesn't come across as neurotic, hung up, heavily closeted, frightened of love.

Thank you,

Kyle Phoenix

Thanks and enjoy! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Time Warner Cable, Verizon Fios or Comcast or the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on

1 comment:

  1. Kyle, again your light shines brightly with this blog. This issue is pervasively prevalent in communities of color. Thanks for your sensitivity.