What does it feel like to be gay? by Kyle Phoenix

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Why is a gay hookup complicated? by Kyle Phoenix

 

Then

It used to be so easy. I don’t know what happened. I haven’t been in any deeply scarring car accidents but I do have standards and safety issues.

It used to be try out a website/app, create a profile and then someone would chat you up or you’d chat them up and then hooking up, within a short period of time would ensue. In my first swanky bachelor pad in Manhattan a decade ago, I counted, on average, that I could have 2–5 decent hook ups a month when not serious dating someone or in a relationship. There were even repeats (friends with benefits).

What happened?

I think, for myself, a combination of things happened—-PRep and Standards.

By my blaming PRep , I mean that suddenly there was a word AND a medication that mitigated HIV infection. It doesn’t completely, because essentially we’re all differing bio-labs so based upon previous issues or reactions, it’s not 100% effective but it has arrived as effective—-enough.

So now men are bottoming, literally willy nilly. And that's okay.

But what happened in there is that on the websites EVERYONE was suddenly on PRep on Tuesday. And thinking back, PRep was expensive within a healthcare scenario, with or without, healthcare coverage. Working at LGBTSGL non profits and knowing all of the ins and outs of safe sex for years, I knew PRep was expensive so when I would see online that men who couldn’t spell well (lower education), clothing and location suggested lower end jobs, etc., were going on and on about being on PRep, I got suspicious.

Standards

My sexual history has included too many condoms. In undergrad, I had this huge bowl of condoms on my living room table—-with like 100 condoms—-I get into collecting things. I got into condoms and trying them out and such because after high school, going to parties and go-go dancing, I was always picking up the free ones. But they didn’t fit. Yes, I have actually sat around by myself testing out which ones fit and didn’t. I discovered that free condoms, like free food, isn’t always the highest quality. (There’s a knowledge amongst LGBTSGL non profits that Black and Latino clients/drop off sites have complained about regular NYC Condoms breaking due to more length and girth of Black and Latino men. Condoms were built for average White male penises (subtle racism, yes) so infections rose because the condom breaks but the penetration continues. Knowing this I have always assiduously purchased my own, high grade and even have the really strong/protective polyurethane.)

So I started buying Magnum XLs and Trojan XLs. I’m of that ilk that I investigate things out of curiosity and for myself personally, find the best fits for myself. But when you’re at gay clubs, as I have been throughout the country, they keep pushing them on you, so I would take a package and add to my bowl.

The messaging of safe sex sort of deeply worked on me. I have always topped, but I’ve always used condoms. There was one time in an LTR, with a Bottoming lover, that he, not having bottomed much—-required we be both patient and creative as we tried to make everything—work. He was as tight as a relative drum—-so there was no drum beating easily occurring. We talked, he relaxed, I was patient. And finally he said that perhaps it would be easier without my Magnums and just lube? And looking into his big brown eyes…I saw Death.

I’ve never told or written about that before. But I saw Death.

I trust my instincts, which have directly saved my life several times. We broke up later over some other some such—-but really, for me, the relationship ended then. And in retrospect, he did lots of things that suggested he was involved in lots of sketchy sex. Bullet dodged.

I’m also an only child. I was deeply concerned about my parents, how they would take my becoming HIV infected, and/or dying. When I came out in high school, my mother had a close bestie gay friend, Walter, whom she sent to counsel me——as only a 40+ year old gay man, who knew my mother from AA, could. But counsel he did, telling me what he knew, answering my questions. She also had another AA gay friend who came over and gave me a book of poetry he’d written about…..dating, sex, men, etc.. Which led me to investigate other writers, books about sexuality.

Yes, it sounds a bit odd but it was also very progressive of my mother, trying to get a working communication about my sexuality. She even insisted that I give her one of my gay porn DVDs, for her to watch, so that she could understand what she was trying to counsel me about. I also had a high school counselor, Tracey, who I’d been talking to for a year or so, a small group she’d pulled together in school and then a group she referred me to at the LGBT Center. Going to The Center, I discovered another group, Incest Anonymous and I started regularly attending that for issues from sexual abuse as a child.

I include all of this because I had a stronger support system than most :GBTSGL teens, I would learn as I became a LGBT Youth Counselor, a decade later, I purposefully addressed my sexual abuse history—-unlike a close friend who thought it was the best sex of their life—-at 6—- by a raping neighbor—-and is in the spins of body dysmorphia—-not quite transgenderism or transsexuality but dressing female, taking illegal hormones, has had illegal hormone shots (a few days ago I bought some silicone caulking for my house and thought back on that friend——they had it injected into their chest to have faux breasts)…and extremely abusive, degrading sexual activities.

What I’m saying is between the above and buying hundreds of books, by 30, I had a good, healthy outlook and boundaries around sex, and after Walter, my mother’s bestie died of AIDs, I was conscious of being safe because of the effect I saw it had on friends and family.

All of the above lent into my enjoying being a Top and enjoying myself but never having unsafe sex. Once, yes, I came (pun) close but again the guy looked sketchy and the condom issue wasn’t enough to dissuade me from my safety tip (pun two!) so I got up and left. Insanely, years later, that guy, not remembering me, showed up as a temp at a law firm I worked at.

So coupling all of this to dudes being sketchy and saying they could afford PRep when I knew how expensive it was initially, made me doubly cautious and went onto my list of Standards. which is comprised of things to look out for personal safety.

Then I had all of these CDC trainings about high risk careers (mine as a coordinator at an LGBTSGL org) and higher risk signals in individuals (drug use, smoking, race/culture, tattoos, excessive alcohol consumption, not being out, etc.). I factored all of these factors into my Standards-Filter list around hooking up.

1. Smokers are 5x more likely to be HIV+ or HIV risky.
2. Blacks and Latinos expected to in population totality 50% to be HIV+ by the end of their lifetime starting form the mid-2000s.
3. Highest infection rates amongst Black males under 28.
4. Tattoos suggesting potentiality of risk.

Essentially the psychology of the CDC’s work suggests that the more risky you are with obvious things like smoking/drugs the more loose and willy you play sexually. Or the more maligned you are culturally PLUS the demographics of how Whites, Latinos and Black men have sex differently in their cultural groups (essentially Blacks and Latinos screw amongst Blacks and Latinos so they circulate potential infection, while White's (perhaps due to more privilege's and entitlement) are more likely to travel physically or intra-culturally sexually——so the HIV merry go round is much broader for Whites and more limited, therefore enhanced for Black and Latinos. Think 10 Black guys, 2 HIV+—-all 10 circulating, eventual greater chance of infection. Think 10 White guys circulating among 10 Whites, 10 Blacks,10 Latino—-3x greater chance of not getting infected, plus safe sex routines. The Math of HIV!) affects safe sex practices.

I’ll add here that the first to refute the billions of dollars a year the CDC spends on organizations and data and science, are Black and Latino men. What I will offer to that bowl—-is a level of oppression creates a deeper level of distrust when coupled with age, education, socio-economic status. What I ’ve done, in my own education and edification, and it’s racialized to lean in to oppressive mentalities is I go to doctor’s in the best part of town—-like the upper East Side of Manhattan, I follow White Upper class trends. If you’re one raisin in a bowl of milk, you get the same relative treatment but I’ve noted even professionally that when all the raisins are lined up for a bowl—-very little milk and less quality treatment and information. Yes, Kyle inversing racism for personal gain speaking into upper social class maneuvering. But I’ve always gotten top notch treatment and more importantly, objective information.

Attraction

Then I have to Filter in cross attraction—to”

1.Non smoker

2.says they’re HIV-,

3.practices Safe Sex,

4.no excessive drinking, drugs or tattoos,

5. perhaps a potential minus if Black or Latino.

6. Then here in NYC, as I taught in workshops——the City of NY did a survey on where, the neighborhoods, the most HIV infected folk were living. They were able to do this based upon HASA, the NYC Welfare for the infected and the population congregation sections in Brooklyn, Manhattan and the entirety of the Bronx. Now I was include in where someone lives to the factoring of potential STUs.

7.Then I had to factor in the other STIs because in Washington Heights where I live, trying to lower HIV risk, Latino men started doing more oral sex….unprotected so syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia literally exploded in my neighborhood. 60% of HIV infections happening in committed LTR relationships.

So now when I got back to my new new new Filter I was finally able to put in attraction and of course that goes back and forth—-Him attracted to me, Me attracted to him, yes, no, maybe, back and forth. But I’m also filtering with all of these other risk factors.

I came up with a question: “You down to fuck raw?”

See…very casual.

And 99% of the time men answered honestly. With a strong yes, a strong maybe, a reasoning for yes, a few said no and a few danced so heavily around the answer, that it was a yes.

Now, I have an advantage, I realized. I’ve worked with LGBTSGL folk, men for decades, written books, interviews, TV shows, read hundreds of books since I was 18——so I have like a behavioral psychologist insight and compendium in my head for people, actions, behaviors. pointedly LGBTSGL folk.

Yes, I am watching your micro-expressions.

Initially, the ability to lie about being on PRep, and then the cost of it lowering, shifted the landscape of hooking up. But then also my years of LGBTSGL education shifted it too. I could see, understand and question better. Most men into men haven’t had contact with thousands of them as I have professionally and personally, so they aren’t as well versed nor are they as conscious, of how they appear to someone who has seen bullshit spun to an art form.

Then as time went on, I saw more and more of my former hook ups converting to barebacking, raw, depends, anything goes on their online profiles. Also weirdly, in a neighborhood, having a night club nearby—-if you live in the neighborhood—-men have profiles up so you can match profiles to men in public. I got more and more information out of people sometimes from just the matchy-matchy. And also don’t forget I was working for over 10 years at about 4 of the major organizations in NYC, connected to 5 more, so men passed through for a variety of reasons or even my workshops.

That’s what changed….for me.

I could gather and compare data.

And play that against my Standards Filter and suddenly a very crowded possibility room turned into a nearly empty bus depot.

Now

I see men, LGBTSGL online and in person, through a Filter. A Conscious Filter of Yes and No, More Likely, Less Likely, Personal History. I listen closely to what men say even as I seem to blithely be flirting and chattering on. Imagine sitting across from me at a table—-a date—-and chatting about a movie. Now imagine there’s another Kyle, in a Black suit—-Emporio Armani. Sitting where he can watch the man, right over my shoulder. hear everything, see facial ticks and micro expressions for doubt, distress, lying, etc.. Think of that handsomely Black suited Armani Kyle as like a Master Interrogator—-who never speaks. During the dinner at some point, he leans over and whispers observations, summations into my ear. We finish dinner and I say I have an early morning, I beg out, we should do it again. I get into a cab, onto a subway, by myself. I go home alone. Just did it twice on dates where sketchy fell out of both dudes’ mouths.

Or chatting online, I say something really general and end the conversation (“I see” or “Right” is excellent shutdown language to someone else.) And again, I beg out for another time and delete the conversation.

I am saddened, because yes, there was a time when it was easier, when perhaps I was less wary or insightful. I don’t know when, I’ve been pretty on point—-rarely drink to excess, never done drugs and didn’t have sex intoxicated until 2019…so maybe 2010ish? Somewhere in the past decade gay men have become more self absorbed to their sexuality as the totality of their identity so they’ve fixated on fetishistic stuff and kinks as primary over connecting in fun sex with a guy. It fees…grimy now. Sleazy. Not in a sexy way. Lots of talk about cum swapping spitting, choking, smashing, pound, destroying—-very violent language towards sex—-and degrading and Dom and sub and not many smiling in their pics or those who do their profiles read of straight up insanity. I’m not even going to touch on the rampant racialization and demands for BBC—-Big Black Cock from all cultures and the proliferation of demand on cock size (more men are shocked that I’ve never measured—-just as I’m shocked that more people don’t read books regularly) It’s scary for me sometimes when I look at handsome face (or worse those who don’t even make a handsome effort of shaving, dressing nicely, taking a good picture. “Mongo got cock, you want some?”)

Incels and Escorts

So many LGBTSGL men, not asking men out on dates, as I do regularly, don’t have any Game. They don’t know how to flirt, chat a dude up, seduce someone. “You got cock and butt right? Mongo gay? Come over.”

As sex as before safer, LGBTSGL men have become more caricatures of their sexuality. Sexuality is not Identity. it is a facet. But not dating, dancing, romancing, having fun, it becomes centered on simply fucking. And that can be fun, when it happens with a dynamic interesting person who isn’t treating this like some sort of near-apocalyptical detached surgery of satisfy my fetishes before we die!

In workshops I teach we’re not in a porno so those rules don’t apply, that rhythm doesn’t apply, that’s fantasy directed by several people. It’s not real. But as yet another generation is saturated with video based entertainment, the other generations are saturated too. And learn no skill set for how to tweak out what a man likes, what turns him on, what to do. So there’s the constant, no matter how much you put in profiles—-Please Don’t—-sending of naked pics. And I wonder, as I’m looking at someone’s anys—-one, how the hell do you have time to set up these shots?

And two, as a Bottom, do you think Tops are walking around fantasizing about…anuses? That the sight of one is what turns us on? In fact it’s a heteronormative twisted inversion of showing a vagina. But the perhaps excitement in a flash of snatch is that most of those looking at said snatches didn’t have one so it’s unique to the viewer and not used for defecation. While yes, there’s all kinds of pleasurable spaces and nerve ending in an anus, other checking for placement and cleanliness, I’ve never you know-taken a snapshot of one to carry on my phone. It’s just stupid, obtuse—-the action itself shows one, desperation at two, not knowing how to attract a man.

I generally know not only is he a Bottom but a card carrying member of the Incel League——because that’s not what Tops focus on.

(As a digression, so many of you never go get a fucking book about sexuality. ten. You’ve got time. Men will tell you in books what they like, what they look at, what's attractive—-thousand upon thousands of men. And you’re shoving your iPhone nearly up your ass thinking that will get me across town in the rain at 3 AM? lol)

Then Along Come the Pros……..

After teaching workshops to escorts and teaching workshops about escorts, and even writing a book—-I tried it. And it’s a good experience. Again, when done with my Filters in place. What I can tell you about respecting and using professional sex workers—-is that based upon price—-they tend to be healthier men. Both psychologically and physically because their bodies and reputations are their livelihood. Again, I still apply my Ace Filter and Standards but what I do see and understand into the exchange is that one, it allows one to pick a premium to attraction. Not that I’ve settled when dating but on escort sites you can get real specific about height, weight, ethnicity, etc. and choose form that exact criteria. Two, they too, at the higher end of the profession are health concerned and three, they are focused on a pleasant performance potentially leading to repeat business. (Two in particular I saw several times over several yeas and the familiarity was good and safe.)

Institutes like Body Electric, and recently departed, Kevin Samuels, suggesting a “Fuck School” for men, ring true to me. I’ve moved past sexuality being just about my get off as I do work about it, teach it, and yes, sometimes I’ve been directly teaching LGBTSGL folk how to be romantic, seductive, sexual, have sex, be better lovers——all in my books and videos.

As A Professional, How Am I Personally Effected?

How my professional work effects my sex life is: I’m less enamored by kinks and fetishes—-it looks to me like Halloween masks boring people put on trying to be exciting. Generally people who are legitimately invested in their fetishes, true libertines, are more mature about them, more relaxed. So many hook ups HAVE TO HAVE such and such as some sort of personally debasing or partner debasing or messy, or more pointedly, what I’ve noticed over the years—-unsafe sex being comparative to “freaky”. Which is sad because that means that people are oblivious to the long term ramifications of STIs.

So, when not in a dating/LTR, I reject at least 90% of hook up offers, and I listen real hard with my black suited Interrogator Kyle, to the final 10%.

I’m rooting for them to get across the finish line. But less than 10% of 10% do.

Because then there’s manshit-personality-asshole stuff of just normal human males to negotiate……………lol

#KylePhoenix

#TheKylePhoenixShow

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Why does it appear that the people most prejudiced against bisexual people seem to be gay men and lesbians? My soon-to-be stepdaughter is bisexual and tells me that is her experience. by Kyle Phoenix

 

Privilege-adjacency.

Being omnisexual myself, baffling staunch LGBTSGL folk because of course some rando hetero shouldn’t determine or judge our sexuality but some rando LGBTSGL person should, right?

It’s not simply getting more at the buffet at life, i think it goes deeper than even being potentially rejectable by that person in favor of someone else or being accessible to a person/sex that the non-hetero person might fancy.

I think it goes to doubt.

See most LGBTSGL folk vocalize being positive about their sexual orientation and interests. Rabidly so. To the point of challenging laws and morals and churches and religions and parents and police and small animals. But the truth is, it comes with (pun!) doubts. When you have your first crushes infatuations, loves, and sexual experiences—-the majority of the drama isn’t simply the other person and their feelings but whether your feelings are valid, true, normal, good, right, actionable. That doubt doesn’t go away we simply subsume it and the surety of others reinforces our own blithe ignoring of the doubt. But the doubt exists.

My First Live In Lover

We were in the throes of passion, having lived together in my big swanky NYC apartment (it had a dining room AND a working fire place!), we were both in our nubile 20s, having sex for the umpteenth time…..that day. We’re frolicking and such and then started experiencing cramps and crampage and lack of arousal and I felt suddenly——self-conscious, naked and doing this with a guy. It just arrived like a wave of emotion………and I’d done a lot with guys by that year, for years. And my lover was all——are you okay? and I was all like-—it just hit me the totality of fucking you.

He went for the compliment in that. I clarified: the idea of having sex with a man as a life choice and loving him and that as an identity action/choice. I’d done it with men before. A lot before. A lot, a lot before. But I’d also done it with women. And what came up was sort of all of the hetero societal bile that we, humans, no matter what sexuality we manifest imbibe growing up It just came up in me as this choking emotional glob. I think it had to do with having thrown out/gotten rid of an insane trans best friend; having even thrown my mother out from a short vacation when she lost her mind; having changed jobs and then having met and moved in his new lover—-in a few months time. But all of it had an underpinning to being committed to myself, to my choices, my sexuality, my expression of it. I hadn’t realized there was still a glob in me that was contrary to that.

We chatted about it. Then I fucked him royally to reassert my machismo.

The Hard (pun!) LGBTSGL Truth

But my non-meandering point is that the doubt exists in globs, specks and bits and pieces and what a dynamic, expansive sexuality suggests—-and here’s what I’ve learned having taught sexuality workshops for 20 years—-LGBTSGL are bigots too. They’re racists. They’re dumb. They’re fools. They’re idiots. They’re bad at math. They’re biased. They’re short and funny looking. They’re human.

LGBTSGL folk tend to think because of or act like or envision that being a sexuality different than the apparent majority—-I think 10% is wayyyyyyyyyyyy low. I think probably about 40–50%, when society allows more and more legal and social freedom to come out, will reveal themselves and we’ll see why we really haven’t overpopulated the planet. But that being LGBTSGL comparatively to the idea of a hetero majority makes some humans feel special. Face it, most people really don’t do much of anything wonderous or incredible or noteworthy in their lives because so much of living is routine, survival and responsibility for self and others.

But what if you had a special glitter bomb in your crotch, different than the other crotches and that glitter bomb was something made other people uncomfortable, caused conflicts and friction and drama and Supreme Court battles and division during family holidays—-we go on and on about wanting to be tolerated (which I despise), maturely to be accepted-but I’ve known many an LGBTSGL folk—-including the trans bestie I had to kick out and distance from years ago——who got off on being different, on freaking people out on being a glitter bomb.

But what if…….what if your glitter bomb is kind of……..narcissistic and EVERYONE has a glitter bomb in their crotch—-you just expressed yours first?

And what if you’re not as confident in the gliterration of your glitter bomb in your crotch as the Pride Parade suggests you should be?

See, aligning to Vivienne Cass’s Phases/Stages of Sexuality, most LGBTSGL folk surf between 3–5, I’m at 6, Identity Synthesis—-I’ve literally been on the news and television for 15+ years—-all about the LGBTSGL, books, videos, out at university, and the tail end of high school—-I’ve been out for so long, I sort of forget to announce to people my preferred list of sexual positionality and partners. because it’s pedantic…like a couple of those partners, but I digress.

But when you haven’t arrived at Stage 6, and you’re in 3 to 5—-this glitter bomb is what you think is the glitter bomb diggity so you play that glitter disco ball for all you can….

And then here comes Bisexual Bobby and Tri Sexual Toni and Omnisexual Kyle just fucking EVERYONE willy nilly. You realize that maybe not only do you have shit specks of doubt on the glitter bomb that you routinely explode out of your ass—--but that perhaps it’s not the most glittery, fantastic, dynamic glitter bomb that can come out of a human’s ass.

Doubt and crushed specialness is why so many LGBTSGL folk have prejudices, concerns, anger, resentment, hypocrisy and mirth at incredibly binary yes/no, gay/straight sexuality.

Remember how I pointed out the diversity of negative identities LGBTSGL folk can possess—-narrowmindedness, hundreds of thousands of LGBTSGL folk? Perhaps even millions? Because they’re human.

#KylePhoenix

#TheKylePhoenixShow

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What are the down sides of being gay, health-wise? by #KylePhoenix

 

The proliferation of the positive ideology of STIs. They’re literally everywhere. Being HIV-, having never had an STI, never smoked, never done drugs—-I’m starting to feel more and more like a unicorn or like I’m in a white tuxedo walking through a coal mine.

I was just thinking, as I got yet the 4 millionth email with a sexual offer, naked pics, and a link to a profile—-that does honestly have his Poz status but he looks…ill. He’s 34. he looks 54.

What i was thinking is that somewhere along the compassion for those with HIV and AIDS and other STIs, we, the world, LGBTSGL community seem to have forgotten a human directive/ideology——The Human Goal is to NOT Catch Any Diseases.

No, really.

As a man of color, the CDC projects that me, and my cohorts, 50% of us will become HIV+ in our lifetimes because the proliferation of transmission is so high amongst Black and Latino men. That means that every Black and Latino dude I meet or chat up, there’s a 50/50 he is already HIV+. This seems very abstract until you have done years of work that I have at non-profits, Black and Latino male non-profits——and look out across workshops of 50 to 100 men and realize———oh, wait……..

One of the reasons, psychologically is that men who have sex with men become exhausted with the constant negotiation around safe sex, constantly having to reconsider or turn down men because of risky sexual behaviors (last night a guy, in 2022, hit me up and said his HIV Status was: I Don’t Know—-in 2022!) Or negotiate them being honest and being positive or them not being honest and being positive.

Now here’s the further kicker—-HIV is just ONE of the proliferate STIs amongst MSM, so the whole PRep and Positive but Undetectable argument is moot. And the scientific consensus is that infected with one, increases exponential the possibility and eventuality of being infected with another.

There's syphilis.

Gonorrhea.

Chlamydia.

HPV.

Herpes

Hepatitis

Super HIV

Mano

And you still have to LIKE him as a human being with his assorted baggage. And he still has to LIKE me.

It’s like a fucking shooting gallery and I’m constantly navigating, dodging, against my Safe Sex Standards to not contract anything because I have to consider what gay agencies NEVER talk about. Raising children. Say I catch some singular or combo of the above STIs?—-what about my kids? Say my lifetime, another 50 years, is cut in half?

See, what no one tells you in the mass advertising is that anti-virals don’t work for everyone, that 27+ years is the Olympiad longevity—-but it’s as low as 5+ years in places like Charlotte, due to super resistant to anti-viral strains of things like HIV and syphilis and rampant health care disparities based upon race/culture, socio economic status, age and income. They don’t tell you this because it’s bad for the ads to say—-you know PRep/it might work for you….like……maybe.

(I’m often amazed by how everyone has everything from aliens to government to COVID to 9/11 conspiracies but just shrug and accept any info about men, HIV, gay sexuality, antivirals. Shrug—-must be true. Now Mars? Teeming with life the government doesn’t want us to know about….. The one conspiracy theory perpetuated by pointedly Black man—-several have trapped me after workshops to explain this—-is that HIV doesn’t exist. Throwing all of their back of a pamphlet scientific knowledge at it, it’s a hoax. I often am able to make my escape by challenging their theory that it’s a racialized hoax with: why do African, Asian, South American, Chinese, Russian doctors see it too with microscopes if it’s an American conspiracy to destroy Black gay men? Because scientists, the world over, trained in universities that are not American would never——check the authenticity and existence of something—-just blindly accept that exists and that’s what they’re finding in their population. But Black/Latino people, for all of their railing against White Supremacy, worship it and give it All God Power. (#slaveryworked) As they ponder I skitter away.)

So I’m left in life playing Don’t Get In The Game/Become an Attractive Involuntary Celibate, Question Like I’m Sexual Columbo or Give Up and Take It As a Fait Accompli.

That’s the ongoing health risk that exists by being a man who is interested in potentially having sex with another man, in America, NYC in 2022.

The propaganda to be compassionate is proliferating accepting STIs, which are detrimental to men’s health. Truth.

#KylePhoenix

#TheKylePhoenixShow

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How does an older gay bottom attract tops? by #KylePhoenix

 

It’s difficult. A lot of male sexuality, whether hetero or not, is based upon virility, masculinity, testosterone, power, stamina, resilience. In working on a long term project, Lived Lives——an examination of LGBTSGL sexuality beyond simply positions, sex, relationships, etc.—-instead looking deeply into HOW and WHAT their LGBTSGL lives are like throughout a lifetime. The absence of this is from the world, humanity, not having a clear space/path for LGBTSGL in history/society. Humans learn from role modelling so LGBTSGL folk are sort of making it up as they live/go along.

Which means that men don’t always have a clear path-role modelling for how to be/age especially as men. Which further means that the way LGBTSGL sexuality has occurred—-fast, hidden, closeted, semi-out, self-designed, shame related——as we move past 2015 (legally Federal marriage) which means those born after 2000 are having an entirely different experiences of their Lived Lives—-Out, future capable, fluidic, transparent, legal, acceptable, protected, etc..

It seems like a broad roundabout way of discussing age, Bottoms, sex, etc. but men in my workshops are similar to children who have missed middle school and high school—-right from (hetero) elementary school to (life) college but without the interim life tools. Heteros get that role modelling so they know what’s happening and what will happen.

Men, particularly, Bottoms don’t recognize what it means to be in a sexual cohort/group that, as a man, who is 80% populated by Bottoms/Versatiles——they have one surefire route to longer term satisfaction—-become Versatile. But men, no matter sexuality, are stubborn and men who come out/act into a sexuality different than the predominant hetero they’ve grown up with, often stay limited in their choices because in regards to a stigmatized sexuality it is the only thing they may have chosen, created, designed in their lives.

I write. It fills me, my work and the other extensions of it. But not everyone has this, such a work. Most people have jobs/careers, families, etc. but something deeply personal, like sexuality-identity, is oftentimes for men, for Bottoms, something, something they have created of themselves, for themselves. And the idea of a man shifting his masculinity to be penetrated by another man, is a big thing for a man to overcome, to move through, to get to as an adult.

And then they get old. And not everyone is in super duper hunky abs shape.

Boys Just Wanna Have Fun

Sometimes when I’m prepping materials or research or even for my own dating, I look through all of the connection/dating sites and see lots of men, thousands of men. Most of them are normal, average men but right next to those profiles are general ads that are from R rated to XXX rated ads for porn or live sex shows. The marketplace is saturated with an idea, an ideology, constant imagery-education of available sex, it creates a distorted expectation of Lived reality.

(Yes, one of my pet peeves because of the over-work I have to do in workshops—-is the dismantling of the false-fantasy expectations of porn.)

But that porn fantasy shows men, of amazing body physiques, rampantly hard and deeply capable of fucking and being fucked for hours—-and being attracted to one another as a sort of obsessive indulgence.

“Mongo have cock? Ooooh, I love Mongo because he has a cock!”

Porn suggests a bypassing of the thousands of ticks and bits and bobs that construct attraction, sexual connectivity—-so men, particularly Bottoms who are now not just showing ass shots—-graphically in a very bluntly obtuse way are splayed out, showing their anuses in online profile pics.

“See! Mongo has anus that you Top wanna penetrate! So you must like me because here is Mongo’s anus! which you are immediately attracted to and want desperately because Mongo’s anus exists.”

It’s a form of porn induced desperation at not knowing how to simply Be, how to attract a man, how to be attractive to a man, how to seduce a non-hetero men. That being a receptive homosexual man doesn’t mean one has to adjust one’s personality, presentation and give to another human being to be attractive. It’s a reciprocal give and take cyclical, repetitive process that non-hetero men don’t learn.

Time After Time

Men age. Estrogen increases, fat deposits increase, hair greys, hair falls out, aches and pains and most importantly, a counter-thesis, the anti-thesis of LGBTSGL community, occurs—-aging.

Men get older.

Now the benefit of being a Top is that whether with the aid of Viagra or Cialis, on sildenafil—-you can keep being a Top well into your 90s. This is aided by the fact that 20% of the available men, Tops, (actually 10% being closeted/in traditional relationships with women) are able to have their pick of the other 80% of men.

Now several interesting things happen, generally speaking to men as we age.

• We get more mature,
• we make more (our resources increase),
• we are generally more confident

so a lot of the pre-2000 LGBTSGL issues for Tops and Bottoms/Versatiles shifts, due to age. Pointedly around confidence—-so they overall become more assertive, but the milieu—-gay society——is still grounded in missing those middle/high school sociality years—-where heteros are role model taught how to be, age, live, love—-and instead are inundated with the push of a skewed-education from porn creating false (sexual-relational) expectations.

Bottoms are then hit with hard truths:

• Bottoms, Betas, are commonplace and therefore of less value as LGBTSGL men.
• Coupled with age and normal-average bodies in the majority, 90% of gay men, means that the Bottoms are not getting sexier as they get older to a grouping of men geared towards youth as sex appeal.
• Bottoms lose value in the Gay World based upon positionality, due to manshit-masculinity bs, and that increases exponentially for personal connection-satisfaction when they aren’t open to being Versatile.

What happens is they too have an attraction/education/predilection to young, virile men so their attraction targeted demographic—Tops—-are also looking for younger men, looking for men to share resources (which a lot of my workshop attendees were doing in some shape, form or fashion to get attention) and then in aging, estrogen lowers testosterone in men, more produced of the first so less of the latter, effecting sex drive.

Bottoms over a certain age become, even if they honestly have or blindly self absorb into their lives, involuntary celibates. They might language it as “there are no good men” but in truth their sexual positionality has not outlasted their “sell by date”.

The True Colors Solutions?

One.

Date regularly. Most gay men don’t date, ask men out, go out with them, invite them out, engage men constantly and often—-which means they would develop dating into a skill. Instead they stay on the sofa (with Netflix and porn) and expect Mr. Perfect (With a Raging Hard On) to come crashing through the window from GrubHub.

Two.

Try to date within 10 years of your age range. Bottoms-Betas are attracted to Alpha males, who might be in their prime, so they aim for 20s, 30s—-as the Bottoms-Betas, move into their 40s and 50s and older. Not understanding that those men are peer fucking, rather than as a norm aiming older, because they too are saturated in gay social-human world ideology. Dating, practicing it, becoming good at it, means that there is a greater chance of being in an LTR or finding them in ones 40s and 50s and older.

My older participants 40s-higher——who haven’t learned how to date, to ask men out, to pay for dates—-find themselves, Bottoms, who are alone, more and more, or having to make compromises around integrity, safety, etc. to have short or longer term companionship. Which is where the inundation of “freaky”, kinky men over 40 come from.

“Maybe if I do more, give more, have less boundaries, less restrictions—-I can both explore my fantasies an ideas—-and become more available to more men.”

Three.

Versatility. Because it’s one of the few self-designed aspects of their lives and such a fixture in gay sexuality to have a sexual position—almost to the point of being an identity—-it’s never considered as a limitation rather than attached to the self-aggrandizement of being non-heterosexual. Sexual position becomes the foundation of an identity rather than an aspect of one’s sexuality. But most LGBTSGL make their sexuality their identity, rather making that too an aspect of an overall identity.

Which is severely limiting. In healthy long-term relationships, men who have sex with men, there is often an exploration of all positionality, as well as defining open and closed relationships around monogamy and sexual exploration, what monogamy is—-mainly due to testosterone enhanced by two men being in close contact—-which means that even Bottoms who are single—-regularly hanging out with male friends, going to clubs, etc. are still simultaneously influenced by estrogen—-softening their bodies—-and testosterones pressing their sex drive, to be with men. But then one has to “do” things to be satisfied as one might initially want. Versatility allows for something beyond Bottoming—-a different orientation of giving to a man emotionally, sexually, physically for his pleasure—-which leads to Four.

Four

Is that gay men are generally so focused on getting their satisfaction met that they don’t communicate or seek to please, to give pleasure—-the overall assumption—-further perpetuated by social blindness from those missed “social middle/high schooling grades” and an inundation of porn to assist in the individual, by hit and miss, constructing a sexuality, sexual position, into their overall identity.

Which says if you’re fucking a guy, being fucked—-he must like it. So you don’t have to be concerned about what he likes—-because he’s a Bottom and you, Topping him, should be his totality of pleasure. To be consciously Versatile means that one has to reorient themselves, generally to not only receiving but actively, giving pleasuring, learning about pleasure as a cooperative experience not a singular goal to only receive.

Age and Lived Lives

It changes more dramatically, aging, as a Lived Life, for Bottoms, than Tops or Versatiles, because there’s an overabundance of Bottoms, of all ages, about 70–80% of the total male LGBTSGL group. And to the hard truth of same sex relationships—-the personal value and productivity has to be created, there’s no societal need for homosexuals—-one has to find, create, attach to it for one’s own sake, and identity satisfaction.

Unlike hetero relationships there aren’t Life Stages where men have other identity markers—-children, grandchildren, businesses, marriage expectations, etc.—-which if I were to add Five, would be what I tell men in workshops—-get a life, something productive that isn’t sexuality focused. Some people volunteer at gay organizations—-which is good, but try something else. Something that gets you out into the world in a way where Tops/Alphas can find you because some, perhaps not all, will be happy with an age peer—-within 10 to 15 years of your age—-and not repulsed by wrinkles, lack of firm and taut bodies, potential aging in a partner, and illness in the future.

Ironically younger Betas under 40 are attracted to older men who are Alphas/Tops because of maturity, confidence, resources which is why age disparate relationships are as natural in LGBTSGL relationships as hetero, younger to older. But that changes as those same Betas cross the 35–40 threshold.

Bottoms then have to look at their identity strategically, do more, be more active and targeted and change their lives—-which is why so many end up involuntary celibates—-because they don’t, won’t change. It was one of the reasons why I wrote The Definitive Guide to Pleasuring Tops, Bottoms and Versatiles.

Yeah, it gets deep…..

The Definitive Guide to Pleasuring Tops, Bottoms and Versatiles: A Guide for Bi, Gay, Omnisexual and Same Gender Loving Men (4th Edition)

2021 EDITION Information captured from hundreds of workshops with men, surveys and in person counseling sessions, this book outlines what men who have sex with men like, feel, want and the sensations and actions that lead to pleasure. Includes Bonus Book: Mastering Online Dating! This book in the...

https://amzn.to/3HrXFHy

Heterosexuality, yes, creating its’ own incels, has more social places for men as they age.

Now those LGBTSGL born after 2000 will manage this better, overcome this faster, because the society around them has changed its’ attitude towards their Lived Lives.

#KylePhoenix

#TheKylePhoenixShow

Amazon.com: Kyle Phoenix: books, biography, latest update

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