Then
It used to be so easy. I don’t know what happened. I haven’t been in any deeply scarring car accidents but I do have standards and safety issues.
It used to be try out a website/app, create a profile and then someone would chat you up or you’d chat them up and then hooking up, within a short period of time would ensue. In my first swanky bachelor pad in Manhattan a decade ago, I counted, on average, that I could have 2–5 decent hook ups a month when not serious dating someone or in a relationship. There were even repeats (friends with benefits).
What happened?
I think, for myself, a combination of things happened—-PRep and Standards.
By my blaming PRep , I mean that suddenly there was a word AND a medication that mitigated HIV infection. It doesn’t completely, because essentially we’re all differing bio-labs so based upon previous issues or reactions, it’s not 100% effective but it has arrived as effective—-enough.
So now men are bottoming, literally willy nilly. And that's okay.
But what happened in there is that on the websites EVERYONE was suddenly on PRep on Tuesday. And thinking back, PRep was expensive within a healthcare scenario, with or without, healthcare coverage. Working at LGBTSGL non profits and knowing all of the ins and outs of safe sex for years, I knew PRep was expensive so when I would see online that men who couldn’t spell well (lower education), clothing and location suggested lower end jobs, etc., were going on and on about being on PRep, I got suspicious.
Standards
My sexual history has included too many condoms. In undergrad, I had this huge bowl of condoms on my living room table—-with like 100 condoms—-I get into collecting things. I got into condoms and trying them out and such because after high school, going to parties and go-go dancing, I was always picking up the free ones. But they didn’t fit. Yes, I have actually sat around by myself testing out which ones fit and didn’t. I discovered that free condoms, like free food, isn’t always the highest quality. (There’s a knowledge amongst LGBTSGL non profits that Black and Latino clients/drop off sites have complained about regular NYC Condoms breaking due to more length and girth of Black and Latino men. Condoms were built for average White male penises (subtle racism, yes) so infections rose because the condom breaks but the penetration continues. Knowing this I have always assiduously purchased my own, high grade and even have the really strong/protective polyurethane.)
So I started buying Magnum XLs and Trojan XLs. I’m of that ilk that I investigate things out of curiosity and for myself personally, find the best fits for myself. But when you’re at gay clubs, as I have been throughout the country, they keep pushing them on you, so I would take a package and add to my bowl.
The messaging of safe sex sort of deeply worked on me. I have always topped, but I’ve always used condoms. There was one time in an LTR, with a Bottoming lover, that he, not having bottomed much—-required we be both patient and creative as we tried to make everything—work. He was as tight as a relative drum—-so there was no drum beating easily occurring. We talked, he relaxed, I was patient. And finally he said that perhaps it would be easier without my Magnums and just lube? And looking into his big brown eyes…I saw Death.
I’ve never told or written about that before. But I saw Death.
I trust my instincts, which have directly saved my life several times. We broke up later over some other some such—-but really, for me, the relationship ended then. And in retrospect, he did lots of things that suggested he was involved in lots of sketchy sex. Bullet dodged.
I’m also an only child. I was deeply concerned about my parents, how they would take my becoming HIV infected, and/or dying. When I came out in high school, my mother had a close bestie gay friend, Walter, whom she sent to counsel me——as only a 40+ year old gay man, who knew my mother from AA, could. But counsel he did, telling me what he knew, answering my questions. She also had another AA gay friend who came over and gave me a book of poetry he’d written about…..dating, sex, men, etc.. Which led me to investigate other writers, books about sexuality.
Yes, it sounds a bit odd but it was also very progressive of my mother, trying to get a working communication about my sexuality. She even insisted that I give her one of my gay porn DVDs, for her to watch, so that she could understand what she was trying to counsel me about. I also had a high school counselor, Tracey, who I’d been talking to for a year or so, a small group she’d pulled together in school and then a group she referred me to at the LGBT Center. Going to The Center, I discovered another group, Incest Anonymous and I started regularly attending that for issues from sexual abuse as a child.
I include all of this because I had a stronger support system than most :GBTSGL teens, I would learn as I became a LGBT Youth Counselor, a decade later, I purposefully addressed my sexual abuse history—-unlike a close friend who thought it was the best sex of their life—-at 6—- by a raping neighbor—-and is in the spins of body dysmorphia—-not quite transgenderism or transsexuality but dressing female, taking illegal hormones, has had illegal hormone shots (a few days ago I bought some silicone caulking for my house and thought back on that friend——they had it injected into their chest to have faux breasts)…and extremely abusive, degrading sexual activities.
What I’m saying is between the above and buying hundreds of books, by 30, I had a good, healthy outlook and boundaries around sex, and after Walter, my mother’s bestie died of AIDs, I was conscious of being safe because of the effect I saw it had on friends and family.
All of the above lent into my enjoying being a Top and enjoying myself but never having unsafe sex. Once, yes, I came (pun) close but again the guy looked sketchy and the condom issue wasn’t enough to dissuade me from my safety tip (pun two!) so I got up and left. Insanely, years later, that guy, not remembering me, showed up as a temp at a law firm I worked at.
So coupling all of this to dudes being sketchy and saying they could afford PRep when I knew how expensive it was initially, made me doubly cautious and went onto my list of Standards. which is comprised of things to look out for personal safety.
Then I had all of these CDC trainings about high risk careers (mine as a coordinator at an LGBTSGL org) and higher risk signals in individuals (drug use, smoking, race/culture, tattoos, excessive alcohol consumption, not being out, etc.). I factored all of these factors into my Standards-Filter list around hooking up.
- Smokers are 5x more likely to be HIV+ or HIV risky.
- Blacks and Latinos expected to in population totality 50% to be HIV+ by the end of their lifetime starting form the mid-2000s.
- Highest infection rates amongst Black males under 28.
- Tattoos suggesting potentiality of risk.
Essentially the psychology of the CDC’s work suggests that the more risky you are with obvious things like smoking/drugs the more loose and willy you play sexually. Or the more maligned you are culturally PLUS the demographics of how Whites, Latinos and Black men have sex differently in their cultural groups (essentially Blacks and Latinos screw amongst Blacks and Latinos so they circulate potential infection, while White's (perhaps due to more privilege's and entitlement) are more likely to travel physically or intra-culturally sexually——so the HIV merry go round is much broader for Whites and more limited, therefore enhanced for Black and Latinos. Think 10 Black guys, 2 HIV+—-all 10 circulating, eventual greater chance of infection. Think 10 White guys circulating among 10 Whites, 10 Blacks,10 Latino—-3x greater chance of not getting infected, plus safe sex routines. The Math of HIV!) affects safe sex practices.
I’ll add here that the first to refute the billions of dollars a year the CDC spends on organizations and data and science, are Black and Latino men. What I will offer to that bowl—-is a level of oppression creates a deeper level of distrust when coupled with age, education, socio-economic status. What I ’ve done, in my own education and edification, and it’s racialized to lean in to oppressive mentalities is I go to doctor’s in the best part of town—-like the upper East Side of Manhattan, I follow White Upper class trends. If you’re one raisin in a bowl of milk, you get the same relative treatment but I’ve noted even professionally that when all the raisins are lined up for a bowl—-very little milk and less quality treatment and information. Yes, Kyle inversing racism for personal gain speaking into upper social class maneuvering. But I’ve always gotten top notch treatment and more importantly, objective information.
Attraction
Then I have to Filter in cross attraction—to”
1.Non smoker
2.says they’re HIV-,
3.practices Safe Sex,
4.no excessive drinking, drugs or tattoos,
5. perhaps a potential minus if Black or Latino.
6. Then here in NYC, as I taught in workshops——the City of NY did a survey on where, the neighborhoods, the most HIV infected folk were living. They were able to do this based upon HASA, the NYC Welfare for the infected and the population congregation sections in Brooklyn, Manhattan and the entirety of the Bronx. Now I was include in where someone lives to the factoring of potential STUs.
7.Then I had to factor in the other STIs because in Washington Heights where I live, trying to lower HIV risk, Latino men started doing more oral sex….unprotected so syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia literally exploded in my neighborhood. 60% of HIV infections happening in committed LTR relationships.
So now when I got back to my new new new Filter I was finally able to put in attraction and of course that goes back and forth—-Him attracted to me, Me attracted to him, yes, no, maybe, back and forth. But I’m also filtering with all of these other risk factors.
I came up with a question: “You down to fuck raw?”
See…very casual.
And 99% of the time men answered honestly. With a strong yes, a strong maybe, a reasoning for yes, a few said no and a few danced so heavily around the answer, that it was a yes.
Now, I have an advantage, I realized. I’ve worked with LGBTSGL folk, men for decades, written books, interviews, TV shows, read hundreds of books since I was 18——so I have like a behavioral psychologist insight and compendium in my head for people, actions, behaviors. pointedly LGBTSGL folk.
Yes, I am watching your micro-expressions.
Initially, the ability to lie about being on PRep, and then the cost of it lowering, shifted the landscape of hooking up. But then also my years of LGBTSGL education shifted it too. I could see, understand and question better. Most men into men haven’t had contact with thousands of them as I have professionally and personally, so they aren’t as well versed nor are they as conscious, of how they appear to someone who has seen bullshit spun to an art form.
Then as time went on, I saw more and more of my former hook ups converting to barebacking, raw, depends, anything goes on their online profiles. Also weirdly, in a neighborhood, having a night club nearby—-if you live in the neighborhood—-men have profiles up so you can match profiles to men in public. I got more and more information out of people sometimes from just the matchy-matchy. And also don’t forget I was working for over 10 years at about 4 of the major organizations in NYC, connected to 5 more, so men passed through for a variety of reasons or even my workshops.
That’s what changed….for me.
I could gather and compare data.
And play that against my Standards Filter and suddenly a very crowded possibility room turned into a nearly empty bus depot.
Now
I see men, LGBTSGL online and in person, through a Filter. A Conscious Filter of Yes and No, More Likely, Less Likely, Personal History. I listen closely to what men say even as I seem to blithely be flirting and chattering on. Imagine sitting across from me at a table—-a date—-and chatting about a movie. Now imagine there’s another Kyle, in a Black suit—-Emporio Armani. Sitting where he can watch the man, right over my shoulder. hear everything, see facial ticks and micro expressions for doubt, distress, lying, etc.. Think of that handsomely Black suited Armani Kyle as like a Master Interrogator—-who never speaks. During the dinner at some point, he leans over and whispers observations, summations into my ear. We finish dinner and I say I have an early morning, I beg out, we should do it again. I get into a cab, onto a subway, by myself. I go home alone. Just did it twice on dates where sketchy fell out of both dudes’ mouths.
Or chatting online, I say something really general and end the conversation (“I see” or “Right” is excellent shutdown language to someone else.) And again, I beg out for another time and delete the conversation.
I am saddened, because yes, there was a time when it was easier, when perhaps I was less wary or insightful. I don’t know when, I’ve been pretty on point—-rarely drink to excess, never done drugs and didn’t have sex intoxicated until 2019…so maybe 2010ish? Somewhere in the past decade gay men have become more self absorbed to their sexuality as the totality of their identity so they’ve fixated on fetishistic stuff and kinks as primary over connecting in fun sex with a guy. It fees…grimy now. Sleazy. Not in a sexy way. Lots of talk about cum swapping spitting, choking, smashing, pound, destroying—-very violent language towards sex—-and degrading and Dom and sub and not many smiling in their pics or those who do their profiles read of straight up insanity. I’m not even going to touch on the rampant racialization and demands for BBC—-Big Black Cock from all cultures and the proliferation of demand on cock size (more men are shocked that I’ve never measured—-just as I’m shocked that more people don’t read books regularly) It’s scary for me sometimes when I look at handsome face (or worse those who don’t even make a handsome effort of shaving, dressing nicely, taking a good picture. “Mongo got cock, you want some?”)
Incels and Escorts
So many LGBTSGL men, not asking men out on dates, as I do regularly, don’t have any Game. They don’t know how to flirt, chat a dude up, seduce someone. “You got cock and butt right? Mongo gay? Come over.”
As sex as before safer, LGBTSGL men have become more caricatures of their sexuality. Sexuality is not Identity. it is a facet. But not dating, dancing, romancing, having fun, it becomes centered on simply fucking. And that can be fun, when it happens with a dynamic interesting person who isn’t treating this like some sort of near-apocalyptical detached surgery of satisfy my fetishes before we die!
In workshops I teach we’re not in a porno so those rules don’t apply, that rhythm doesn’t apply, that’s fantasy directed by several people. It’s not real. But as yet another generation is saturated with video based entertainment, the other generations are saturated too. And learn no skill set for how to tweak out what a man likes, what turns him on, what to do. So there’s the constant, no matter how much you put in profiles—-Please Don’t—-sending of naked pics. And I wonder, as I’m looking at someone’s anys—-one, how the hell do you have time to set up these shots?
And two, as a Bottom, do you think Tops are walking around fantasizing about…anuses? That the sight of one is what turns us on? In fact it’s a heteronormative twisted inversion of showing a vagina. But the perhaps excitement in a flash of snatch is that most of those looking at said snatches didn’t have one so it’s unique to the viewer and not used for defecation. While yes, there’s all kinds of pleasurable spaces and nerve ending in an anus, other checking for placement and cleanliness, I’ve never you know-taken a snapshot of one to carry on my phone. It’s just stupid, obtuse—-the action itself shows one, desperation at two, not knowing how to attract a man.
I generally know not only is he a Bottom but a card carrying member of the Incel League——because that’s not what Tops focus on.
(As a digression, so many of you never go get a fucking book about sexuality. ten. You’ve got time. Men will tell you in books what they like, what they look at, what's attractive—-thousand upon thousands of men. And you’re shoving your iPhone nearly up your ass thinking that will get me across town in the rain at 3 AM? lol)
Then Along Come the Pros……..
After teaching workshops to escorts and teaching workshops about escorts, and even writing a book—-I tried it. And it’s a good experience. Again, when done with my Filters in place. What I can tell you about respecting and using professional sex workers—-is that based upon price—-they tend to be healthier men. Both psychologically and physically because their bodies and reputations are their livelihood. Again, I still apply my Ace Filter and Standards but what I do see and understand into the exchange is that one, it allows one to pick a premium to attraction. Not that I’ve settled when dating but on escort sites you can get real specific about height, weight, ethnicity, etc. and choose form that exact criteria. Two, they too, at the higher end of the profession are health concerned and three, they are focused on a pleasant performance potentially leading to repeat business. (Two in particular I saw several times over several yeas and the familiarity was good and safe.)
Institutes like Body Electric, and recently departed, Kevin Samuels, suggesting a “Fuck School” for men, ring true to me. I’ve moved past sexuality being just about my get off as I do work about it, teach it, and yes, sometimes I’ve been directly teaching LGBTSGL folk how to be romantic, seductive, sexual, have sex, be better lovers——all in my books and videos.
As A Professional, How Am I Personally Effected?
How my professional work effects my sex life is: I’m less enamored by kinks and fetishes—-it looks to me like Halloween masks boring people put on trying to be exciting. Generally people who are legitimately invested in their fetishes, true libertines, are more mature about them, more relaxed. So many hook ups HAVE TO HAVE such and such as some sort of personally debasing or partner debasing or messy, or more pointedly, what I’ve noticed over the years—-unsafe sex being comparative to “freaky”. Which is sad because that means that people are oblivious to the long term ramifications of STIs.
So, when not in a dating/LTR, I reject at least 90% of hook up offers, and I listen real hard with my black suited Interrogator Kyle, to the final 10%.
I’m rooting for them to get across the finish line. But less than 10% of 10% do.
Because then there’s manshit-personality-asshole stuff of just normal human males to negotiate……………lol
#KylePhoenix
#TheKylePhoenixShow
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