Great question, which I can answer as a man, I’m not sure about those that might involve two or more women.
Disadvantages:
- Power Dynamics with Men. Just because you’re samesies doesn’t mean all of the patriarchal bullshit instantly goes away. In fact, due to hormones—-being in/living with a male as a male, testosterone increases. Which means it’s incumbent upon two men (or more) to learn to negotiate, being empathetic and practice listening skills. In workshops when teaching about Power Dynamics I break it down to several areas: Money-Resources, Sex, Emotions, Lifestyle, Family/Friends. Essentially one has to figure out with a man how to merge lives or which priority from each will go “first” or which priorities are negatable. That’s often difficult because though positive, neutral and negative, genderized roles provide a map, whether good or not, for how to do things. Same sex relationships, not so much.
- Disadvantages-Money-Resources is generally 30% of the individuals Gross (or Net, another discussion—-which are we measuring by?); so that’s what each contributes, no matter what they or the other man earns. That’s hard for men who want an ideal 50/50. But no relationship is 50/50 in absolutes but males are gender taught about forms, structures, contracts, etc. so the pressure is a genderized perspective, not reality.
- Disadvantages-Sex-what do you like? What are our mutual and individual fantasies? And the big one, how do we negotiate that our sexualities are separate “entities” that might need different things? Sexuality, even with a samesies individual doesn’t mean that you and I will want the same thing I initially met you with, or the same thing for the entirety of our lives. Men and women experience this but are limited by physical form—-meaning that unless things get really interesting and a new negotiation begins—-He will insert, She will be penetrated. That dynamic is simple enough to understand and experience, the changes generally have to do with partners. But with Samesies (male) A and B may’ve started out Top and Bottom or Versatile and Top, or any of the myriadical combinations—-but not remain that way forever and ever.
- So what happens?
- Do you and I seek to have that itch scratched elsewhere—-and do we negotiate rules for opening our relationship and those parameters (together or alone)?
- Or do we both explore versatility because our relationship is about pleasing the other sexually as much as possible, in spite of our initial sex position choices?
- Men often occupy very rigid thinking and it takes time to readjust to the prospect of a different sexuality than heterosexuality means that there will be different dynamics and changes and accommodations that must be made. More gay men are single because of this—-33% in relationships vs. 60+ of hetero men in relationships.
- Think of it this way—-how many relationships will break up who are hetero if the man or woman says: “we have sex 12 times a month. How about 8 missionary and 4 doggy style?”
- Do you think that will break them up? Probably not. But comparatively male to male exploring versatility is often rife with problems or the prospect of opening a relationship sexually (generally around year 3 to year 7, and then it closes again) are deeply challenging to a man’s sense of value, possessiveness, perceived sexual identity and seeing the relationship as an entity to care for.
Advantages
- Because I’m a multiple “others”; I’m directly less judgmental of people. Now that doesn't mean I accept any old bullshit that someone shows up with. But it does mean that I see and understand people much, much better and with less judgment of thinking you’re wrong or so far off the cuff that I can’t at the very least understand you. And yes that means for all kinds of political and religious leaders——again, non-judgment is not agreement—-I just don't see anyone as absolutely “wrong”.
- I can be a safe space for people to reveal their stuff——that they think is so tremendous or life altering or historically damning. Everyone to me is something intended. I teach in my workshops to men, You are Divinely Intended. Lots of LGBTSGL folk don’t feel like that. It was something that I learned to expand as a facilitator, but for years before I had learned to be good at that based upon the next advantage.
- Not being distracted by my sexuality in my teens taught me how to listen. Eventually in my teens I read M. Scott Peck’s I and learned the skill of acting as a giant ear, in his description. I imagine myself that way. What I had to learn were boundaries around that so that I wasn’t saturated with people constantly “dumping on me”. My mother, when I told her that’s whether oversharing felt like NEVER let that go. She wasn’t so much sensitive as she was narcissistic and I said No, made a boundary—-which upset her. For years. Which is how we can mark that as an enmeshing-narcissitic trait that I had to make boundaries about. lol
- To my personal advantage, I separated from my mother. Individuation. I refused to be her son-husband and as soon as I could moved out and went away to college and never returned to live with her and my stepfather for longer than a few months. Most LGBTSGL folk have issue with this or don’t do it or malformed doing this. I’ve learned that doing it, gives me an advantage as a man, and with other man. I made it clear to her that no, I would not be her attachment for life nor her best friend. Now, yes, in the end, I did move to care for her and eventually took that over full time for her in the last few months of her life—-but I maintained boundaries and individuation until she was terminal and let my stepfather and her handle their self-generated dysfunctional drama. Healthy can witness and have no responsibility to “fix”.
A lot of these are hard for LGBTSGL folk to attain because part of having LGBTSGL as part of your core identity and being human is wanting to connect and be accepted, particularly by loved ones. I personally have had to learn not simply boundaries but also what was appropriate detachment from friends, family, work, lovers, relationships, parents in order to be a better person with my omnisexuality. There was an assumption in my family, in society, even at work that I would be or default to people’s perspective or projection of non-heterosexuality. I personally could give a natural fuck if you don’t accept me or my sexuality—-whomever you are—-and I’ve told every one from my parents, to lovers to friends to companies such——I did not come to Earth to please you.
I came to Earth to be Kyle and explore what that means for me and to grow and change and dance and laugh and eat and create and love.
Now if you’re down with that program and not trying to manipulate it or consume it or control it, we can rock. The advantage to my having that perspective for myself is i naturally offer and expect it for YOU.
Sounds like a good deal, huh? Except to assholes and narcissists. lol
#KylePhoenix
#TheKylePhoenixShow
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