Sunday, July 28, 2013

Why Successful People Leave Their Loser Friends Behind, on The Kyle Phoenix Blog


We all want to be amazing. We all want to be successful, happy, and regarded as important figures in our fields. I am sure that you’ve heard all of the keys to success before: planning, hard work, perseverance, etc.

But today we are going to look at the one factor that will likely make or break your success:the people you surround yourself with.

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” – Jim Rohn

Want to be Amazing? Surround Yourself with Amazing People

The Make or Break List

A good friend of mine once told me of a man he knows who brought himself up from rags to riches. Living paycheck to paycheck was a luxury for this man, and he decided that he was tired of being trapped by his own life. The poor man looked around at his friends, and noticed that one of them – who wasn’t particularly smart or more talented – had become quite wealthy. He asked this man how he accrued this wealth, how he was able to become a millionaire. The wealthy man’s response was simple: “keep the right company.”

The man took that advice to heart. He quickly noticed that all of the other friends he had hated hard work and had no desire to improve themselves. So he sought out new friends, he went around to conventions and seminars to connect with people who had made something of themselves. After he had completely replaced the people in his network, he decided to make a list. This list was simple. It had a column for people who would improve his life, and a column for people who would drag him down.

If someone could improve his life, he spent as much time around them as possible. If someone could drag him down, he never spent more than five minutes around them. After following his “make or break” list, the man was able to become a millionaire within three years.

No One does it Alone

The five-minute rule may be a little extreme, but there is an important lesson to learn from it: if you surround yourself with positive people who build you up, the sky is the limit.

There is an ideal in our society of the “self-made” man – a man who is able to find success through his own efforts. Now, don’t get me wrong, success does require an immense amount of determination and personal grit. However, success also depends on the ability to connect with people who have already made it.

There was once a man named Ernest Hemingway. If you aren’t familiar with Ernest Hemingway, he was one of the greatest American writers of all time. Even a great writer like Hemingway didn’t succeed on his own. He worked at a newspaper where his boss – a writer named Sherwood Anderson – helped him get his first novel published. Hemingway then connected with other no-name writers like F. Scott Fitzgerald, Virginia Woolf, and James Joyce.

This community of great writers helped to influence his style, success, and drove him to write every single day and become one of the greatest authors of his generation.

Hemingway is a testament to the fact that innate talent alone does not equal success. It’s hard to keep up a strict schedule to perfect your craft or improve yourself if you don’t have people around you with similar interests. Your network – your five key people – will determine the way you think, the way you act, and the way you approach your life goals.

Three Essential People

A mentor once told me that no matter how many close people you have in your network, if you want to be truly great, you must have three essential people in your life at all times:
  • A person who is older and more successful than you to learn from
  • A person who is equal to you to exchange ideas with
  • A person below you to coach and keep you energized

A great figure of history who embodied this principle was Aristotle. Aristotle was one of the greatest minds to ever grace this beautiful Earth, but this was only so because he was constantly challenging himself and working to refine his talents. He exchanged ideas with other Greek philosophers in the “Academy,” learned from his mentor Plato, and taught a young boy named Alexander…who would later become “Alexander the Great.”

Every great person was, is, or will be successful because of the company he or she keeps. They will make an impact because of a successful network of driven peers who provide both inspiration and healthy competition.

If you want to be remarkable, you must constantly challenge yourself and surround yourself with remarkable people. So think about what your goals are, and take a look around you. Do you need to write a “make or break” list?

Do you have the kind of people who are going to lead you to live the life of your dreams?

“Don’t join an easy crowd. Go where the expectations and the demands to perform and achieve are high.” – Jim Rohn
Strive to be better. Strive to be more. Strive to be amazing.

Kyle Phoenix
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Sunday, July 21, 2013

I Killed Trayvon Martin

This infrequently used blog has awakened for a timely guest post from Eddie Hatcher.

Eddie in a hoodieI’m a racist. There is no known cure, so best I can hope for is to minimize the symptoms. I’ve struggled my whole life to do just that, but I still can’t help but feel partially responsible for Trayvon Martin’s death. I carry this guilt because nothing I do is enough to combat the system I once gladly took part in.
I grew up in a small North Carolina town surrounded by farms and factories. What I learned about racism, I learned hanging out in hunt clubs, on farms, in country stores, and in gun shops. We often talked about race, but never about racism. Everyone knew that racism stopped existing after Integration. In our minds, we were not discriminating against anyone because of their skin color; we were simply describing the way people acted, their mannerisms, language, dress, etc. Nothing about that seemed racist. Sure, the N word was thrown around occasionally, but black people use that word to describe themselves, so we thought it was OK.
Looking back, I think the worst part may have been the “justified” fear. While the words of wisdom demanded that I not talk to strangers, a part of growing up was learning which strangers were safe and which were dangerous. Of all the strangers out there, none were more important to avoid than black men. If you see a black man, check for your exits. Make sure your friends and siblings are close, as they might not have noticed the black man yet. Whatever you do, don’t talk to them. The more of a “homie” they appear to be, the more dangerous they are.
It’s hard to pinpoint all the things that led to me questioning the mentality I grew up in, but I clearly remember a critical turning point in elementary school. It was Black History Month and our librarian, an intelligent, well-spoken woman, was talking to the class about Dr. Martin Luther King Junior. Like a good white kid, I was brazenly proclaiming my disdain for him. In a display of patience that was no less than heroic, she waited until the class had dispersed and she sat down to have a chat with me. Her first question was simple and direct: “why don’t you like Dr. King?” Since “racism” was not a possibility in my mind, I justified myself by claiming that it was his methods. She continued asking questions about why peaceful marches and civil disobedience bothered me so until the only answers left were, “I don’t know, just because.”
I will never forget the frustration I felt after that conversation 20-some years ago. It burned in me as I scrutinized her questions, searching for logical explanations for my disdain. All my teachers loved me and I got A’s in every subject, yet this librarian had completely stumped me. I thought about those questions for days, weeks. I am still thinking about them today.
I used to think that conversation was the beginning of the end of me being a racist, but now I know that is incorrect.
Of all the speculation of what happened the day that Trayvon Martin was shot dead, one detail of the killer’s story that I do not question is his claim that he was afraid. No doubt he has learned, like me, to be afraid of black men. Florida law says that Zimmerman had a right to stand his ground and defend himself if a “reasonable person” would fear for their life in that situation. No reasonable grown man with a gun would be afraid of a skinny minor, but a racist person like myself would.
But unlike Zimmerman, I take ownership of my fear, my racism. I’m not going to shoot someone because their skin color makes me afraid. I’m going to do the opposite. When I see the “black man in a dark alley” and that childhood fear pops out, I push it down to replace it with a smile and a nod. When people cultivate that fear, innocent children die.
Now that the verdict has been read, I can’t help but be filled with personal guilt. For years I have struggled to own racist upbringing and I have spoken out when people around me say things that demean cultures they know little about. I guess I hoped that my efforts had combined with those of millions of other Americans and that we were moving toward a better world. Maybe I didn’t do enough. Maybe I should have gone to more marches, should have gone to law school, should have been a school librarian. Seeing Trayvon Martin’s murderer go free leaves me feeling hopeless, as though no amount of effort as an adult can undo the damage I did as a child.
I’m like an alcoholic trying to change my life. I’ve walked through the door, but there are 11 more steps and I have no idea what any of them are.
I killed Trayvon Martin.

Kyle Phoenix
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Saturday, July 20, 2013

Dismantling Racism, Part 1: A Kyle Phoenix Workshop by Kyle Phoenix

I do professional developments for teachers and professionals and teach classes around race and racism and dismantling privilege. I am every White person's worse nightmare. I tell them upfront the check has been cleared and cashed so have at it and that I left emotional Kyle at home so they can say all they need to. It generally goes well. I don't count it as a personal success until I get at least 1 White woman to cry.....

Lord that's like hitting the number!  

Now when I express that I don't consider my workshops to be successful until at least one White woman cries, people off all races get nervous.  For a variety of reasons.  White men immediately jump to defend their sisters, mothers, wives---how dare I try and humiliate them (because since I'm brown I must be trying to exact some sort of racialized revenge against White people because what other motive could I possibly have?  What other motive could a crying woman have?  But we'll get back to that later.)  Blacks and Latinos, startled by the fact that I'm as brown as the floor and doing (and being paid handsomely) to do this to/with White people rail angrily (jealously?) that some sort of maliciousness must be going on.  That I'm hurting the White folk..and we've been bred for hundreds of years to dive onto your own sword before you intentionally hurt White people.  And I watch them.  I watch them play out this racial knee-jerk reaction---often coming from the people who claim to be the least racist.  Some people of color laugh nervously, giggle with a level of micro-pleasure at someone of color twisting a small pin, cause we can't raise knives, into White people. All of the above are by-product racist actions to racism, it's the reaction to one of the structural pillars of racism: privilege.

Oh, I have no need to humiliate White people, I know that racism is a mental illness and that Black and Latino and Asian and Native people have always held the higher moral ground. What generally happens in PDs is that White women when confronted with their internalized discriminatory beliefs and public revelation---immediately cry---for a crying White woman has a social and historical power---it neutralizes White men and historically it has demanded, sometimes by the tip of a whip, gun or potential legal accusation, that her displeasure could unravel a brown person's life...even if that was just a whistle.  So brown people back off when a White woman pulls out the tears.

Tears are a White woman's force field---when they whip out the force field, I know the psychic starship Enterprise is in rocky shape---ala Paula Deen on the Today Show (yes, I watched that piece of messiness with a different calculating eye.  her whole debacle was a public masturbation fest because we find racism sexy---that's another stage/session that I'll write further on)---but the answer to this crying, this form of a racial micro-aggression and passive aggressive display of privilege and entitlement (privilege to be so upset that "we" stop whatever work we're doing) is I instruct the other people, light and brown alike to allow her to cry, to allow her to get it out and we're to wait silently.  And we silently watch her.

Ponder that for a moment.  A sobbing White woman, and everyone around her being told to allow her to do it and we'll silently wait.  Invariably the White woman looks up and around and realizes that her greatest social weapon for power and pity, won't work in that space as we silently look at her.  I then assure her and everyone else that this woman is an adult, an educated adult, who can logically, just like the rest of us do, manage her emotions as we discuss race.  Her emotionality whether from shame or guilt or defense or confusion will not be allowed to derail our work.  We will be present but not waiver.

The perplexity, flummoxing and shock is really when I then ask a simple question of her---"Are you done?

I then point out as passive aggressive privilege: if I react distressed enough, you all will stop pushing me to deal with race and racism.....once I get a White woman to cry I know we're psychically entering a space where they feel the need for the Enterprise's highest shield level. 

And now the real work can begin.

Conversely in my workshops for people of color the threshold is generally their telling White people the truth.  The real truth in a mixed group.  They tell them that they regard them as another race, not the nexus for races, nor the pinnacle of all races---just like they see the yellow, red or other brown, they too see the pales---as just that, pale---with a level of indifference and to some degree in-deference.  

Then they can say they find them to be infantile and deranged. 

Most people of color think it about White people (honestly it's one of the racist things we're inculcated with growing up.  White folk are crazy and duplicitous and we have history to prove this true about them all, especially the ones who claim they're different.  Be careful of them, don't trust them.) but never say it directly too them. Brown folk, our force fields are about talking about what we really racially think of White people in front of them because again, historically and socially it was dangerous physically, economically, socially. 

Oh, the fun I have..........and the above is just the first step, the first breach crossed to honest communication and a level of ability to construct reconciliation.  There's generally a collective sigh when we do that part and then a structured break to give people time to settle into honesty, vulnerability.  Which is why all the shouting and arguing doesn't work, has never worked  It's the vulnerability of being non-violent, of listening, of being present but not culpable to care take anyone but one's self.  And being assured that you're fully capable of handling everything that will occur, that starts the process of dismantling racism.

Then bluntly, the next stage, the shit hits the fan.

Kyle Phoenix
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Friday, July 19, 2013

The Panic of White Folk: What If You Weren't White? by Kyle Phoenix

We've always been wrestling with race in America, wrestling with denying it, making it legal, making it illegal, making it socially unacceptable, making it acceptable, rapping abut it, wrapping it up to make it presidential but when we question why White people, the perpetrators and victims of the mental illness we coin simply as racism can't see it, dismantle it, continue it, we're not accessing their deepest question.  Their identity questioning.

The heavy question becomes: What are White people without privilege, without entitlement, without the advancement of discrimination? 

Are they smart if they've held back millions of Blacks and Latinos and Asians and Native Americans from competing---are they really smart then or has privilege allowed them to make themselves the only one allowed to take the test, read the books? 

Does something like professional sports show us a glimpse that White people as a whole are not great as literal or metaphorical athletes when the basketball field is leveled? 

What are White people when we strip them of the power of Whiteness? 

Is it really that interesting to be pale if you didn't control the publishing and TV imagery to say it is? Most of the world isn't pale so the imposed standard of beauty isn't justifiable. 

Are you only smart when you can create a segregated school system and keep everyone else out, at sub standards or make it illegal for others to read?

Analogously, am I fast runner if each time there's a race I turn and smash you in the knee with a crowbar?

That insecurity of real regulation of place and real self-measurement is what frightens White people to the point of denying racism's existence and affect.  What are you in your little self, if tomorrow you were denied being White?

That's what I do in my professional development workshop---I deny White people Whiteness or privilege. And honestly they freak out. Privilege to a White (d)---race being a social construct---so the lighter skinned people have been convinced they are privileged people--- person is water to a fish, air to a mammal. 

What you see in society, in reactions, is an animal fighting for what it believes is it's only medium of survival.

Kyle Phoenix
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Age Gaps, Small Sexual Networks Drive HIV in Gay Black Men

A new study seeking to clarify the causes of the staggering rates of HIV among gay black men has attributed them to a confluence of factors that include age gaps between partners, sexual networks more tightly drawn by race, and the fact that partner familiarity affects condom usage. Numerous previous studies have found that, while black men who have sex with men (MSM) have the highest incidence of HIV over any demographic, they actually do not engage in greater risk behaviors on average as compared with other groups. For this study, which was published in the Journal of Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndromes, investigators recruited 143 HIV-negative MSM younger than 40 of diverse ethnicities from across the United States and had them keep a weekly diary of their sexual encounters during a 12-week period.

While black MSM reported significantly less unprotected sex than other racial groups, they were the most likely to have sex with other black men: African Americans were 11 times more likely to have black partners than partners of another race. By contrast, Latinos were three times more likely to have Latino partners than someone of a different race, and whites were two times more likely to partner with other whites. Thus, black MSM were more likely to be exposed to HIV by virtue of having sex within a group that has higher HIV rates.

Black MSM were also the only racial group to be less likely to practice unprotected sex with older partners—who would be more likely to have HIV as compared with younger men—and to forgo condoms when they had sex with another man repeated times. On the flip side, white MSM were more likely to have unprotected sex with younger partners, who would be less likely to be living with the virus.

To read the aidsmap story, click here.

To read the study abstract, click here.

Kyle Phoenix
Email: Type in Kyle Phoenix for the Full Catalog of Kyle Phoenix books
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Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Are You an Alpha or a Beta Man?: The Alpha/Beta Mating Style Test

The Alpha/Beta Mating Style.

 The ABMS test results in an Alpha /Beta score that falls between 0 and 100 points. Scoring is simple. Each question is a true or false question, with the total number of true answers indicating your overall Alpha/Beta  score. Follow the scoring guidelines at the end of your test for a complete ABMS score. 
Simply mark an (X)  next to each true statement that is true about you.

                                                            Part One: Physical.

1, In general, others would describe my face as more rugged as gentle.

2, I stand 6 feet or taller.

3, I have a heavier beard, and tend to have a strong five O'clock shadow.

4, I have a cleft in my chin.

5, I have a square jaw.

6, My face shape is square.

7, My pointer finger is shorter then my ring finger.

8, My penis is six inches or less when Its erect.

9, My shoulders are significantly wider then my hips.

10, My waist is the same width or wider then my hips.

11, My body is more stocky then willowy.

12, I tend to turn down the heat, preferring a cooler living environment.

13, I have a high forehead, or I am  naturally bald or balding.

14, My hair is on the crest of my head grows in a counter-clockwise direction.

15, I have a strong bony ridge over my eyes.

16, I prefer to wear my hair short, off my ears, and off my face.

17,  when standing naturally, my shoulders are squared, not sloping.

18, Looking at my head and neck profile, there is more of a right angle then a diagonal line between my chin and Adams apple.

19, When I was a young boy, my body was markedly more muscular then soft or thin.

20, People would describe the way I move, when walking, talking or dancing, as a highly masculine.

21, I have not had an eating disorder. 

22, I am rarely surprised by how feminine I appear in candid photographs.

23, when being photographed, I rarely find that I have blinked at the wrong time.

24, I am generally happy with my body's appearance.

25, When I hear my voice on a recording I hear a  deep masculine voice.


PART TWO: Sexuality

26, I Prefer to be the insertive partner (top) to being the receptive partner (bottom) when having anal sex.

27, I prefer to be the receptive partner (getting) as opposed to being the active partner (giving) when having Oral sex.

28, I went through puberty about the same time as, or later than,  my same-gendered peers.

29, I came out later than most gay men I know, or I have not come out yet.

30, When I tell others, most people are surprised to discover I prefer men to women.

31, If I could choose, I would tend to have  sex with  men who have smooth, youthful faces,  instead of rugged, masculine faces.

32, In my lifetime, I tended to have sex with people who are smaller in overall size then I am.

33, Most sex partners have been my height or shorter.

34, I tend to prefer sex partners who are younger than I am.

35, I prefer a partner who deodorizes their genitalia and armpits, at least with soap, as opposed to allowing a natural scent.

36, It is important to me that my sex partners be slim or average weight.

37,  When snuggling with a partner, my partner has tended to rest their head on my chest rather than vise versa.

38. Though I like being asked for sex, I don't have a fear of asking for it either.

39. I prefer the feeling of “enveloping” my partner, wrapping my body around theirs in an affectionate manner.
40, My first experience of insertive sex (vaginal- anal) was with a woman.

41, I am currently married to, or have been married to or engaged to a woman.

42,  My partner tends to orgasm before me.

43, I would say I prefer sex partners who have less body hair than I do.

44, I prefer to age gracefully, instead of fighting aging with hair dye, makeup  or surgery.

45, I tend to not wear cologne, preferring to have a soap scent.

46, I wear very little jewelry.

47, If I do agree to be the receptive anal sex partner (bottom), it is a more physical experience than an emotional experience

48, I find the idea of my swallowing semen to be unattractive, but I’m fine with my partner doing it.

49, I find it difficult to identify other gay men in public.

50, I think sex outside my partnership is more an emotional involvement than a simple sexual experience



51, I tend to be pretty good at higher math, such as algebra calculus, and trigonometry.

52, I am good at chess.

53, As a child, I preferred to do something active like running, as opposed to sitting quietly and reading.

54, instead og giving landmarks references, I tend to give  literal, specific directions, as to go two blocks, then follow elm street for one mile.

55, When clasping my hands together, my right thumb rests naturally on top.

56, If I misplace my object, such as keys, I usually cannot locate them simply by thinking about it. I have to physically go look for them.

57, When parallel parking, I tend to check behind  me by looking over my shoulder and putting  my arm on the back of a car seat instead of only using the mirrors.

58, I can easily hit a baseball with a bat when pitched to me.

59, I probably could not come up with over fifteen words that mean “green” in less than thirty seconds.

60, I am surprised sometimes to find out my partner is angry with me for no reason.

61, I have a sensing someone's emotional state by simply looking at their face.

62, I can separate business decisions from emotional decisions, such as having to fire someone.

63, When picking up a baby, I naturally use my dominate arm to hold them.

64, I'd rather be financially responsible for my family then be emotionally responsible.

65, I am very good at reading a map and I am hesitant to ask for help for directions from others.

66, As a young student, I would naturally carry my books against my hips, instead  of across my chest, with out  thinking about it.

67, When I was young, and would cross my legs, I would rest my ankle on my knee naturally  with out thinking about it.  

68, When standing still, I naturally stand evenly on both feet, instead  of resting predominately on one hip and leg. 

69, I enjoy playing and /or watching one or more of these aggressive team sports: football, rugby or hokey.

70, I can explain the basic concepts of the combustion engine.

71, Chemistry, physics, and biology were my favorite classes in high school.

72, When hearing fairy tales as a child imagine myself as the “Prince”  in the story who saved the princess.

73, I tend to enjoy “Action” movies.

74, I can easily imagine myself sleeping through the night in a house with a crying baby.

75, I have little interest I “pop culture” or keeping up with “what's hot.”


                                                PART FOUR: PERSONALI TY

76,  I generally find societal rules to be more valuable than burdensome because they help us avoid anarchy.

77, When I was in middle and high school, playing team sports was fun.

78, When I go to a work lace party where spouses are invited, I tend to hang out with men supposed to women.

79, I  usually do not have a pet name for my partner

80, I rarely use baby talk when talking to children, animals, or people I love.

81, I rarely notice people whispering in movie theaters.

82, I'd rather lead by direction than by consensus.

83, I feel that showing a personal weakness makes me vulnerable  to be taken advantage of.

84, I pride myself on leadership skills.

85, It would be uncomfortable to be dependent on someone else for my financial well-being.

86, If there were two drivers, I prefer to be the one who drives.

87, I have never really had any interest in dressing like a woman, ever for fun.

88, As a child I tend to have more boys as friends than girls.

89, I tend to prefer to have jobs in which I carry responsibility, such as a doctor, lawyer or a corporate President over a job where I assist some one who holds authority, such as Personal assistant, counselor, or advisor.

90, I am more logical than emotional.

91, I would describe myself as aggressive.

92, In general, I did not play with “girl toys” when I was a child.

93, I was never told I “acted like a girl”  when I was young.

94, I could easily go to sleep, even if my partner and I had not resolved a fight we were having.

95, When arguing, I tend to grow quiet when emotions grow hot.

96, I'd rather be alone than try to resolve an unhappy relationship.

97, I have been so mad that I gotten physically violent toward another person.

98, I tend to see my position as being right.

99, I am comfortable directing others to do what I think is best.

100,Others would describe me as classically masculine.

Tabulate your scores (True and False) then email in or check me out on Facebook or this week and next week's episodes of the Kyle Phoenix Show for the scoring system!  Enjoy!

Kyle Phoenix
Email: Type in Kyle Phoenix for the Full Catalog of Kyle Phoenix books
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Monday, July 15, 2013

Watermelon May Be a Natural Viagra from Black

Men hoping for some fireworks in their love life this Fourth of July may want to skip the burgers and beer at the barbecue and eat plenty of…instead.

It turns out, watermelon may be a natural Viagra, says a researcher. That’s because the popular summer fruit is richer than experts believed in an amino acid called citrulline, which relaxes and dilates blood vessels much like Viagra and other drugs meant to treat erectile dysfunction (ED).
Until recently, many scientists thought most of the citrulline was in the watermelon rind. But now, experts have discovered that there is more citrulline in the edible part than previously believed.
Why does this work?
The amino acid citrulline is converted into the amino acid arginine. This is a precursor for nitric oxide, and the nitric oxide, a blood vessel relaxer that enhances circulation to all your vital parts.
How much watermelon should you eat?
A typical 4-ounce serving of watermelon (about 10 watermelon balls) has about 150 milligrams of citrulline.
Kyle Phoenix
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7 Secrets For a Joy Filled Life by Joe Martino


The truth is life doesn't really have any rules, but I can promise you that if you implement these 7 pieces of wisdom into your life then you will likely find more peace and joy as a result.
1. Do not regret your past, make peace with it. If you dwell on and regret your past, you are adding suffering to your present.
Using the past as a reference point to make adjustments is a great way to learn and grow as a person. But regretting, judging and lingering in the past will only create more suffering in each moment you spend there.
2. What others think of you is none of your business. 
It’s easy to be concerned with what others think of us. I think we all experience this at one time or another. Realize that we can’t control the perceptions of others or what they will think of us. Do what you find joy in and be true to yourself, if others don’t like that, then that’s OK. Giving up your joy and truth to please others will only create suffering once again.
3. Time heals everything, so give it time.
Time can be a great healer, but I also feel it’s important to observe ourselves when we feel we need healing. Burying things over time leaves us susceptible to the same suffering if we don’t first address the cause. A breakup, a lost job, family or friend challenges, whatever the case may be, first observe what you are feeling and determine if a belief system about the situation is making you feel down. When you've done your own internal work, let time do the rest. Go on with life and find joy in other things, it’s a great way to move forward!
4. Avoid comparing your life to others lives. Your journey is unique and so is theirs. 
This is another easy one to get caught in at times, especially when something isn’t going as we might have expected. Just as we shouldn't rely on our expectations, we also shouldn't get caught up in comparing our lives and situations to others. We all go through challenges and each are right for each person. We learn, grow and enlighten ourselves by overcoming our challenges, which is precisely why we are here. Many times we compare out of a lack of self love. Is there ever a reason not to truly love yourself? No.
5. Get out of your mind! You don’t need to think and analyze everything so much. Answers will come when they need to.
We have a tough time with this as we often feel that we are our thoughts. We can drive ourselves crazy in tough times if we keep analyzing and re-analyzing situations and feelings. We will likely create an even bigger challenge than what we initially had. Quiet the mind, find peace in surrendering to what is going on. When you are resisting the least, the answers come.
6. You have to find your joy in life, no one is responsible for providing it or finding it for you.
We can easily get caught in the idea of chasing happiness or trying to have others supply it for us. Happiness can be based on conditions. If a certain outcome plays out, I am happy, if the opposite plays out, I am sad. If I get this job, toy, car, house, etc, I will finally be happy. Instead find peace and joy in whatever plays out, this comes from not judging everything and going for what you want to in life. Understand that each outcome is a growing opportunity for us. Deep down, discover the peace and joy that you already are, it’s not outside of you.
7. Know that you don’t own all the problems in the world.
Sometimes it can feel like things are constantly happening to us. The truth is, we all go through challenges and we are all here to support each other through them. Try not to get caught up in the idea of being a victim to your circumstance, this again is another belief system that creates suffering.

Kyle Phoenix
Email: Type in Kyle Phoenix for the Full Catalog of Kyle Phoenix books
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Saturday, July 13, 2013

Do Me Good: Special Reports for Tops and Bottoms by Kyle Phoenix

 The thrill of dancing with a man is in the exchange of energetic possibilities.  Leader and follower are interchangeable  Control and power are more pronounced but less important because of the implicit vulnerability  I don’t mean frenetic, salacious gyrating where the focus is on the simulation of sex but instead where the desire is to rhythm, to synergy.  

Hips in to the beat, arms out to chorus, torso twisting as the high note is hit.  Sometimes his hands are on you and that means something because men don’t often grip men in public but this is more affirmation, more intimate because it means he truly likes your body.  
The palms of your hands on his shoulders, feeling the pulse, turn and push of muscles as you connect eye or watch the other lost to the moment
To sway with another is analogous sex and that’s what I try to teach men to do, to be conscious of their body and the bodies they’re with.  When we’re not frenetic or regarding other human beings as ”meat”, “trade”, “pie of ass” and instead as an alive, vibrant person we become when appreciated  The dance of sexual congress can be as intricate, rhythmic, intensive and exhausting.  But it is delightful, isn’t it!  You feel seen, touched, invigorated, satiated, no?

               Then I invite you to try the Special Reports and specialty books I’ve compiled to teach, coach and encourage men hot to dance in congress better with one another.  Each one teaches specific techniques, strategies and physical positions to satisfy and pleasure a man with a man.


Thank you,

Kyle Phoenix
Email: Full Catalog of Kyle Phoenix books, just type in Kyle Phoenix
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on FaceBook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on

A Love Supreme by John Coltrane

I listen to Coltrane's testimony to God, A Love Supreme. I know not too many other compilations of sound that I have heard, organized music that I hear the conversation with the Universe, with God within this. It's vibrates, it resonates, it thunders with the whispering awareness of the Creator and the Creation in dialogue.

Savior Self by Cree Summer

Savior Self is somewhat of, to me, the expression of God and how to deal with the miasma of pain and self destruction.

Friday, July 12, 2013

God Is Change by Kyle Phoenix

I struggle with how to write about spirituality and God because I want there to be access for you, the reader, and at the same time the presence of my own self and experiences, I like God, the concept, the possibility, the actuality, the beauty and the terror.  I believe simply that God is All.  This pen I write with, this paper, my fleshed hand, the desk, the air I’m breathing, the radio, the sound---all of it is God.  Every substance seen and unseen I know is infused with what we call God.

               Now what God is, that’s beyond my ken.  I don’t know.  I embrace the not knowing though.  Too many people believe they know when in fact I think its ultimately too immense to know.  And yes, I’ve always had to deal with the fact that for God to be all then God is both “good” and evil” to my human moral perspective.  What I think of this contradiction is that human morality, which we need for some level of order and safety, can’t abide or include all of that immensity  Again, I arrive at I don’t know the mechanics of God.
This also brings up that God isn’t simply an entity to discourse with as I do humans because of that immensity. 

So what am I then praying to?  
God-Energy-Spirit within me? 
God in the sky, stars and heavens above? 
An all-permeating energy that can be directed by human’s through intentionalized will power?
I am a man-spirit on the deck of a star-ship looking out at a solar system and because my ship (this physical body) is finite, I l have to make choices about what to focus on.  So I reduce my understanding of God to the smallest denominator that occurs with every breath and step as a human being, the energy, the kinetic, and the constant flux that is change.

God is change. 

Thanks and enjoy!

Kyle Phoenix
Blog: simply type in Kyle Phoenix for over 25 paperback and digital books!
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Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Do You Hate Yourself? by Kyle Phoenix

Being a man of color (or a woman) with a sexuality not wholly supported by one’s family circle, city circle, state circle and as being wrestled with now, state/federal circle, can put a level of psychological burden not a brother (or sistah).  We think that burden is alleviated by going to clubs or groups or having sexual/relationships or even same sex marriages.  But the initial equation of one’s self as less than as not good enough pretty much ruins a lifetime and keeps you karmically from spiritually advancing to the next level.

              I came out in my late teens, in high school, and was to the point of suicidal despair at the loss of my first love---best friend/boyfriend---I came very close to taking my own life  I swerved away from that path, that thinking, that emotional hole but still had to deal with my family, school and work  In one of my clearest moments as a teenager when threatened by my family that I was not allowed any other sexuality but heterosexuality, I told them that would then be the last day of our acquaintance.  I refused to have my epitaph read: “Here lies someone who no one else would die his death for but he allowed them to dictate how to live his life".

Following a spiritual concept, I did not incarnate for limitations, and if that meant they all had to go…well, it had been 19 years and all them weren't the most pleasant company anyway.

               They backed down and I’ve lived my life.  I learned that guilt is how one’s self confidence is affected by an action, by what I did.  Shame though deeply roots at self-esteem and how I feel about whom and what I am.  I’ve been guilty of a lot of stuff.  But never ashamed of whom I am.  I think in all of my turmoil that was the point where I embodied “loving myself” and realizing that self love is vicious, ruthless and capable of a roar that will rock the jungle.  The last vestiges of self-loathing around sexuality vanished then---the illusions too were blown away about people and acceptance, and that self-hatred came from trying to contort one’s self to those images.  That feeling never returned.
I am sovereign unto myself.
And I am not available for diminution. 
I’ve kicked out (wealthy) lovers, refused abusive “soul mates” and I think ,m stayed HIV- because a decade or so ago I said no to the willing supplication to self hate.

Have you?

Thank you for reading and if you liked this check out the other blogs or one my books on,

Kyle Phoenix
Blog: simply type in Kyle Phoenix for over 25 paperback and digital books!
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter!
Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast