Kyle Phoenix Answers: Is "Bottom-Shaming" a thing in the Gay Community? By Kyle Phoenix

Is "Bottom-Shaming" a thing in the 
Gay Community?

I had never heard of this before reading a few articles about it recently but it is supposed to be the concept that receiving partner of penetrative sex (or bottom) is somehow inferior or lesser than the giving partner (or top).

Is this prevalent in the homosexual community?

Yes. Chauvinism and misogyny dont vanish from ones context simply from same sex engagement as so many lgbt people would like to believe. Raised in a society that instills sexism and racism from law to land to entertainment, we're in undated to not to want to be women, or pussies.

Imagine one of the greatest debasing insults for a man to another Is not to reduce his personality ---you're stubborn or you're not thinking things through or you have obvious gaps in your knowledge but you're a pussy, a cunt, you suck dick, you're a cocksucker.

Interestingly enough when I was 21 my mother was fixing, loading her gun as I was driving us to a business meeting of hers at a nightclub. She was grousing at dealing with the club owner for a modeling/fashion show she was putting on and kept referring to him as a cocksucker. Finally she noticed it was making me uncomfortable and clarified that she meant it pejoratively to his personality, not as a sleight towards manhood or my sexuality and then she affirmed that no matter what I did in my personal life, I was a man, I was not a cocksucker.

I had of course by then been Out bristled at words but I thought about how manhood can be tied to words of misogyny and chauvinism and how now that I was moving into a gay community bottoms were the lowest form of gay men next to trolls, the unattractive, or old men.

I think not only does the rampant literal fire torch wielding mob of gay men who proudly yell they one, aren't effeminate and two, they might befriend an effeminate but could never be in a relationship with one because if they wanted a bitch or titties on their back they'd just be with a woman----they could of course shut off their homosexuality like a faucet. And two all the pejorative words are female based or related.

I've personally found all of the men who demand masculinity and claim heightened masculine as the most feminine. I once dated a guy who kept relating in conversation that he was a bottom and masculine, ad nauseam.

One, I was dating him for said bottomness and Two, he was effeminate. On a scale of 1 to 10, a solid 6, 7. He often said honey and oooh, girl. He later relayed in college his nickname had been Beiotch. When I expect he was a 9.

I think it must be really hard to be a bottom, not the best aspect to share at Thanksgiving with aunts, the desire to be filled by a man, penetrated, smashed, banged out, done well, left sore, the drum beat, legs sore, ass tingling.

That's not the social image we have of men and lgbt people for all their language about diversity, want deeply to be included...and to be included means the norm rests in the majority. So bottoms, 85% of the msm population are a minority within society, men who voluntarily seek to be penetrated. The idea of penetration literally alien to basic male heterosexuality. And women, still second class citizens----notice they're hags, fag hags, not fag queens or divas----men still slighting women for existing and women embracing the denigrating language.

The vulnerability of being a bottom or the converse of my date, the self proclaimed power bottom---because someone, other gays and women are powerless bottoms?---has got to be anxiety filled. To tell a man that you want to be vulnerable and penetrated must require salvaging by the frail but wide male ego and the rest of us denigrate it for positionality, moans, hisses, gasps, feces and hair deposits, the highest infected with STDs, the 85% abundance---making a bottom seem replaceable and disposable----leaves bottoms prevalent but as viable men, useless to men raised with chauvinistic and misogynistic beliefs. Its got to be even more of a mindfuck for your core desire, beyond even the judgment of same sexing, to be pleasure in that position.

The best thing I can say from experience was I dated this guy Jerry who glories on his bottomness. He spoke one of his body, his maleness, his ass, his anus, his prostate with a connected masculine-feminine spirituality that literally made me make every effort to fuck him well and often....because it made him happy.

I wish that intense, self connected pleasure to every bottom and encourage fellow tops to help bottoms feel and express that ecstasy, its a beautiful thing to witness and participate in when all the bullshit is out of the way.

I would take days off of work just to roll and rut with him, you hear me!

Thank you,

Kyle Phoenix

You can Like & Follow Us on Facebook & Twitter

Or Click Below to:

• Stay In Touch with Kyle Phoenix by receiving updates, newsletters and free gifts by clicking HERE 
• Kyle Phoenix Website
• The Kyle Phoenix Blog
• Check out Kyle Phoenix Products on Amazon .com
• Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show LIVESTREAM on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) Thursdays 1130pm
• Email: KylePhoenixShow@Gmail.com

Do You Hate Yourself? by Kyle Phoenix

Being a man of color (or a woman) with a sexuality not wholly supported by one’s family circle, city circle, state circle and as being wrestled with now, state/federal circle, can put a level of psychological burden not a brother (or sistah).  We think that burden is alleviated by going to clubs or groups or having sexual/relationships or even same sex marriages.  But the initial equation of one’s self as less than as not good enough pretty much ruins a lifetime and keeps you karmically from spiritually advancing to the next level.

              I came out in my late teens, in high school, and was to the point of suicidal despair at the loss of my first love---best friend/boyfriend---I came very close to taking my own life  I swerved away from that path, that thinking, that emotional hole but still had to deal with my family, school and work  In one of my clearest moments as a teenager when threatened by my family that I was not allowed any other sexuality but heterosexuality, I told them that would then be the last day of our acquaintance.  I refused to have my epitaph read: “Here lies someone who no one else would die his death for but he allowed them to dictate how to live his life".

Following a spiritual concept, I did not incarnate for limitations, and if that meant they all had to go…well, it had been 19 years and all them weren't the most pleasant company anyway.

               They backed down and I’ve lived my life.  I learned that guilt is how one’s self confidence is affected by an action, by what I did.  Shame though deeply roots at self-esteem and how I feel about whom and what I am.  I’ve been guilty of a lot of stuff.  But never ashamed of whom I am.  I think in all of my turmoil that was the point where I embodied “loving myself” and realizing that self love is vicious, ruthless and capable of a roar that will rock the jungle.  The last vestiges of self-loathing around sexuality vanished then---the illusions too were blown away about people and acceptance, and that self-hatred came from trying to contort one’s self to those images.  That feeling never returned.

I am sovereign unto myself.

Always.

And I am not available for diminution. 

I’ve kicked out (wealthy) lovers, refused abusive “soul mates” and I think ,m stayed HIV- because a decade or so ago I said no to the willing supplication to self hate.

Have you?

Thank you for reading and if you liked this check out the other blogs or one my books on Amazon.com,

Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@gmail.com
Website: http://kylephoenix.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/
Amazon.com: simply type in Kyle Phoenix for over 25 paperback and digital books!
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter!
Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast

Relationships: Cra(z)y Cra(z)y Men, Part 1 by Kyle Phoenix

You've seen him around or maybe you've never seen him before and you "Meet Cute"---a Meet Cute is any chance, casual encounter that happens when you're not looking for it and one or both of you could be played by someone from a romantic comedy.  One of my more memorable Meet Cutes was on 44th Street and 8th Avenue.  I had decided to take in a Tuesday evening flick---Kinsey with Liam Neeson---and was strolling up the block to get a Pepsi to put in my bag (the theater only serves Coke.)  As I was standing at the corner about to cross to the deli someone in my peripheral vision leans out from the line of us standing on the curb and winks at me.  He did it a couple of times because at first I didn't notice but then I realized it was for me and smiled back in a big smile and he smiled and I smiled and he smiled and then I forgot to cross the street then I remembered and we crossed and we started chatting on the other side   I got my Pepsi, we sat at one of the dessert places in Times Square to kill an hour before my movie and he then joined me for the movie.

That was the beginning of 36 hours of cray cray on a stick.  I was distracted by how handsome he was---Black and Dominican mixing for all it was worth, his glob charm and quite frankly, I was high from the Meet Cute.  A really good Meet Cute to anyone can dislodge your good sense for a while and this was 2004.  Within 36 hours he revealed that he was 4 days out of prison, HIV+, somewhere between confused and bisexual, a former Calvin Klein model (yes, he was THAT kind of handsome), a drug addict, hated dated one of Diana Ross' daughters, his mother was dead, his stepmother was evil, he'd done several pornos, his father was mad at him, in jail there's a private space covered by a tent of sheets that's known as the Boom Boom room to go and masturbate, he had but refused to take his HIV medication, he was an on and off again prostitute, he'd been a drug dealer.....oh, and he was a Scorpio.

He was my last official cray cray date.
He stole a broken laptop from me.
He left his HIV meds.
No, we didn't have sex.

What I learned from this when I realized he was nucking futs---about 3 hours after the Meet Cute---was how I was responsible for all the other cray crays I'd met and dated over the years.  I'd let them in.

When you see crazy coming down the street, cross the street.  Don't give him your number.  Don't ask him how you can help.  Don't act as a referral service to anything but the local police station for him.  Don't feel bad about not being the world's social worker.  (Even if you are a social worker, you can take some time off too.)

Character
A man is his character.  Is he generous, caring, considerate, loving, thoughtful, courageous, responsible, keeper of his word.  I've learned to not excuse any of the really good traits for silly superficial traits--masculinity (personality put on), funny (who isn't?), charming (practiced), dysfunctional (drug addicted/neurotic/passive aggressive/narcissistic, not taking care of their health).

If you are sharing your body before you have an understanding of a man's character, you have to take every lump whether that's emotional, physical or STD related.  No one else is responsible for you not being able to control your desires though good character in another would have them extend their responsibility trait.

Reasons Why
Earth, Wind and Fire tore up that song!  But when someone starts telling you the reasons why, it should make sense.  if it doesn't make sense, it ain't true.  I've learned that crazy people are amazingly good at telling you how they are constant, continuous and unwitting victims to reality.  Racism, the police, their parents, drugs, women, men, the prison system, the color blue, oxygen and the dog sitting over there minding their own business.  Life challenges us all.  In fact it should be called Challenge and not something as simple as life.  And yes, we all need loving and understanding and a second chance.  But we also need the truth to be told to us as well as being able to tell it to ourselves.  Powerful people can handle the truth, weak people crumble from criticism.

As a side note, I notice how MSM are the most damned by criticism; they get an immediate case of the can't takes.  You tell an MSM that he didn't do something correctly or he was directly wrong and if there's room he'll dramatically fall out on the floor or throw himself at the window.  Why?  I trace it all the way back to MSM growing up with a hidden sexual preference/identity and the social pressures of manhood and masculinity around them that acts as a form of constant identity criticism.  Therefore when criticized their super tender to criticism---it must be homophobia, it must be racism, it must be misandry!

Nah, sometimes it's you, you did something wrong.  There are things for you to learn that you don't know or have learned incorrectly.

Heterosexuals learn how to separate (the healthy ones) criticism about their actions and criticisms about their identity.  That's a big distinction to learn, to move through, to internally know and it leads to a healthier sense of self-esteem and ability to be intimate and bond in successful relationships.  Are you seeing how the inability to handle criticism can aid in MSM not finding or creating satisfying relationships?

Self Esteem
I learned from my 2004 Meet Cute that I didn't have any feelings for him.  There was a time when he would've been the Bees Knees Life Project for me to take on!  For me to comfort and coddle and save!  Oh, Lordy, I could've saved him!  But by 2004 I'd been in several short and long term relationships, done some year long therapy tune up twice and was at a job that started out as a consulting favor but turned into a career changer.

Confidence and self esteem are not the same things.

Confidence is internal---it's that I feel adequate and capable and balanced enough to act.

Self esteem IS the action occurring and being put forth externally.

For a long time I confused the two, I thought because I felt good about myself that I had good self esteem when in fact I would allow all kinds of foolishness around me.  But by 2004 I'd thrown out friends, families, lovers, fools and even jobs who crossed my confidence.  I'd finally actualized my self to self esteem in action.  I distinct remember sitting and listening to Mr. Meet Cute in 2004 and hearing allllllllll of his cray cray and having no desire to fix it.  The real truth of being involved with cray cray MSM is you, not him.  You think you can change him, fix his nuttiness, deal with his problems (and your own---you're always putting yourself on the back burner to help the nutballs.)  Sitting across form him, I understood that while, yes, I felt sympathetic to his problems, I couldn't fix them. Not simply I'd decided wouldn't but couldn't.  Real power knows it's limits.  He'd made some adult decisions in his life, he was in his thirties that had detemrined a lot of where he was and where he wasn't.  I wouldn't and couldn't repair that.

Guilt
When I tell my 2004 tale in workshops to example how you have to be conscious of taking care of yourself and maintaining your character people often ask about my sympathy, about how I can be detached, how I can tell them to not pick up the phone, text the dude, answer the door, resist their compulsions.  I point out simply, the object of your desire is not in a room somewhere (or on this blog) talking about you.  Sit with that for a second.  Really sit with that.  Guilt ans shame are two different things.  Guilt is you did something wrong, shame is you are wrong as a person.  Setting boundaries doesn't feel bad.  If it does it means that you have issues with guilt and shame.  MSM who announce proudly their self-worth and that they're men of power who take care of themselves don't understand, power doesn't have to announce itself.  It simply is.  Like a flower or a mighty oak tree.

You simply stand.

I felt sympathy for all the stuff in the guys life in 2004 but you know what?  I didn't make those choices that he had in his life.  And he was actively not working on fixing those things.  That's a big thing.  He wasn't in recovery, he wasn't taking his meds, he wasn't working----he simply wasn't.  When you check out your own guilt look at what is that man doing to rectify these problems.  Desire is bluntly, bullshit.  Actions speak louder than words when people talk about making change.

Never trust a big butt and a smile.  POISON!

All people have trials and troubles, effort is how you tell cray cray from people with problems.  People who are just looking for attention or relief won't put in the work.  You can pay some attention to them, I do.  I pay attention to the cray cray who tell you the laundry lists of what went wrong.  But I listen as instruction on what not to do: whether that be drugs or unsafe sex or emotional drama untended to (yeah, those two therapists I went to for a year each---that's attending to all your drama in the right space.)

Responsibility and Accountability to your internal self confidence matching your external self esteem is how you avoid those how are destructive to themselves or you.

I was able to observe and hear and walk on by that guy in 2004 after 3 hours of observation because my internal (confidence) No and external (self esteem) No, are aligned.

Are yours?

Coming Soon: Part 2, Your Arrogance and Crazy Men

Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast onhttp://kylephoenixsite.com/