It’s difficult. A lot of male sexuality, whether hetero or not, is based upon virility, masculinity, testosterone, power, stamina, resilience. In working on a long term project, Lived Lives——an examination of LGBTSGL sexuality beyond simply positions, sex, relationships, etc.—-instead looking deeply into HOW and WHAT their LGBTSGL lives are like throughout a lifetime. The absence of this is from the world, humanity, not having a clear space/path for LGBTSGL in history/society. Humans learn from role modelling so LGBTSGL folk are sort of making it up as they live/go along.
Which means that men don’t always have a clear path-role modelling for how to be/age especially as men. Which further means that the way LGBTSGL sexuality has occurred—-fast, hidden, closeted, semi-out, self-designed, shame related——as we move past 2015 (legally Federal marriage) which means those born after 2000 are having an entirely different experiences of their Lived Lives—-Out, future capable, fluidic, transparent, legal, acceptable, protected, etc..
It seems like a broad roundabout way of discussing age, Bottoms, sex, etc. but men in my workshops are similar to children who have missed middle school and high school—-right from (hetero) elementary school to (life) college but without the interim life tools. Heteros get that role modelling so they know what’s happening and what will happen.
Men, particularly, Bottoms don’t recognize what it means to be in a sexual cohort/group that, as a man, who is 80% populated by Bottoms/Versatiles——they have one surefire route to longer term satisfaction—-become Versatile. But men, no matter sexuality, are stubborn and men who come out/act into a sexuality different than the predominant hetero they’ve grown up with, often stay limited in their choices because in regards to a stigmatized sexuality it is the only thing they may have chosen, created, designed in their lives.
I write. It fills me, my work and the other extensions of it. But not everyone has this, such a work. Most people have jobs/careers, families, etc. but something deeply personal, like sexuality-identity, is oftentimes for men, for Bottoms, something, something they have created of themselves, for themselves. And the idea of a man shifting his masculinity to be penetrated by another man, is a big thing for a man to overcome, to move through, to get to as an adult.
And then they get old. And not everyone is in super duper hunky abs shape.
Boys Just Wanna Have Fun
Sometimes when I’m prepping materials or research or even for my own dating, I look through all of the connection/dating sites and see lots of men, thousands of men. Most of them are normal, average men but right next to those profiles are general ads that are from R rated to XXX rated ads for porn or live sex shows. The marketplace is saturated with an idea, an ideology, constant imagery-education of available sex, it creates a distorted expectation of Lived reality.
(Yes, one of my pet peeves because of the over-work I have to do in workshops—-is the dismantling of the false-fantasy expectations of porn.)
But that porn fantasy shows men, of amazing body physiques, rampantly hard and deeply capable of fucking and being fucked for hours—-and being attracted to one another as a sort of obsessive indulgence.
“Mongo have cock? Ooooh, I love Mongo because he has a cock!”
Porn suggests a bypassing of the thousands of ticks and bits and bobs that construct attraction, sexual connectivity—-so men, particularly Bottoms who are now not just showing ass shots—-graphically in a very bluntly obtuse way are splayed out, showing their anuses in online profile pics.
“See! Mongo has anus that you Top wanna penetrate! So you must like me because here is Mongo’s anus! which you are immediately attracted to and want desperately because Mongo’s anus exists.”
It’s a form of porn induced desperation at not knowing how to simply Be, how to attract a man, how to be attractive to a man, how to seduce a non-hetero men. That being a receptive homosexual man doesn’t mean one has to adjust one’s personality, presentation and give to another human being to be attractive. It’s a reciprocal give and take cyclical, repetitive process that non-hetero men don’t learn.
Time After Time
Men age. Estrogen increases, fat deposits increase, hair greys, hair falls out, aches and pains and most importantly, a counter-thesis, the anti-thesis of LGBTSGL community, occurs—-aging.
Men get older.
Now the benefit of being a Top is that whether with the aid of Viagra or Cialis, on sildenafil—-you can keep being a Top well into your 90s. This is aided by the fact that 20% of the available men, Tops, (actually 10% being closeted/in traditional relationships with women) are able to have their pick of the other 80% of men.
Now several interesting things happen, generally speaking to men as we age.
- We get more mature,
- we make more (our resources increase),
- we are generally more confident
so a lot of the pre-2000 LGBTSGL issues for Tops and Bottoms/Versatiles shifts, due to age. Pointedly around confidence—-so they overall become more assertive, but the milieu—-gay society——is still grounded in missing those middle/high school sociality years—-where heteros are role model taught how to be, age, live, love—-and instead are inundated with the push of a skewed-education from porn creating false (sexual-relational) expectations.
Bottoms are then hit with hard truths:
- Bottoms, Betas, are commonplace and therefore of less value as LGBTSGL men.
- Coupled with age and normal-average bodies in the majority, 90% of gay men, means that the Bottoms are not getting sexier as they get older to a grouping of men geared towards youth as sex appeal.
- Bottoms lose value in the Gay World based upon positionality, due to manshit-masculinity bs, and that increases exponentially for personal connection-satisfaction when they aren’t open to being Versatile.
What happens is they too have an attraction/education/predilection to young, virile men so their attraction targeted demographic—Tops—-are also looking for younger men, looking for men to share resources (which a lot of my workshop attendees were doing in some shape, form or fashion to get attention) and then in aging, estrogen lowers testosterone in men, more produced of the first so less of the latter, effecting sex drive.
Bottoms over a certain age become, even if they honestly have or blindly self absorb into their lives, involuntary celibates. They might language it as “there are no good men” but in truth their sexual positionality has not outlasted their “sell by date”.
The True Colors Solutions?
One.
Date regularly. Most gay men don’t date, ask men out, go out with them, invite them out, engage men constantly and often—-which means they would develop dating into a skill. Instead they stay on the sofa (with Netflix and porn) and expect Mr. Perfect (With a Raging Hard On) to come crashing through the window from GrubHub.
Two.
Try to date within 10 years of your age range. Bottoms-Betas are attracted to Alpha males, who might be in their prime, so they aim for 20s, 30s—-as the Bottoms-Betas, move into their 40s and 50s and older. Not understanding that those men are peer fucking, rather than as a norm aiming older, because they too are saturated in gay social-human world ideology. Dating, practicing it, becoming good at it, means that there is a greater chance of being in an LTR or finding them in ones 40s and 50s and older.
My older participants 40s-higher——who haven’t learned how to date, to ask men out, to pay for dates—-find themselves, Bottoms, who are alone, more and more, or having to make compromises around integrity, safety, etc. to have short or longer term companionship. Which is where the inundation of “freaky”, kinky men over 40 come from.
“Maybe if I do more, give more, have less boundaries, less restrictions—-I can both explore my fantasies an ideas—-and become more available to more men.”
Three.
Versatility. Because it’s one of the few self-designed aspects of their lives and such a fixture in gay sexuality to have a sexual position—almost to the point of being an identity—-it’s never considered as a limitation rather than attached to the self-aggrandizement of being non-heterosexual. Sexual position becomes the foundation of an identity rather than an aspect of one’s sexuality. But most LGBTSGL make their sexuality their identity, rather making that too an aspect of an overall identity.
Which is severely limiting. In healthy long-term relationships, men who have sex with men, there is often an exploration of all positionality, as well as defining open and closed relationships around monogamy and sexual exploration, what monogamy is—-mainly due to testosterone enhanced by two men being in close contact—-which means that even Bottoms who are single—-regularly hanging out with male friends, going to clubs, etc. are still simultaneously influenced by estrogen—-softening their bodies—-and testosterones pressing their sex drive, to be with men. But then one has to “do” things to be satisfied as one might initially want. Versatility allows for something beyond Bottoming—-a different orientation of giving to a man emotionally, sexually, physically for his pleasure—-which leads to Four.
Four
Is that gay men are generally so focused on getting their satisfaction met that they don’t communicate or seek to please, to give pleasure—-the overall assumption—-further perpetuated by social blindness from those missed “social middle/high schooling grades” and an inundation of porn to assist in the individual, by hit and miss, constructing a sexuality, sexual position, into their overall identity.
Which says if you’re fucking a guy, being fucked—-he must like it. So you don’t have to be concerned about what he likes—-because he’s a Bottom and you, Topping him, should be his totality of pleasure. To be consciously Versatile means that one has to reorient themselves, generally to not only receiving but actively, giving pleasuring, learning about pleasure as a cooperative experience not a singular goal to only receive.
Age and Lived Lives
It changes more dramatically, aging, as a Lived Life, for Bottoms, than Tops or Versatiles, because there’s an overabundance of Bottoms, of all ages, about 70–80% of the total male LGBTSGL group. And to the hard truth of same sex relationships—-the personal value and productivity has to be created, there’s no societal need for homosexuals—-one has to find, create, attach to it for one’s own sake, and identity satisfaction.
Unlike hetero relationships there aren’t Life Stages where men have other identity markers—-children, grandchildren, businesses, marriage expectations, etc.—-which if I were to add Five, would be what I tell men in workshops—-get a life, something productive that isn’t sexuality focused. Some people volunteer at gay organizations—-which is good, but try something else. Something that gets you out into the world in a way where Tops/Alphas can find you because some, perhaps not all, will be happy with an age peer—-within 10 to 15 years of your age—-and not repulsed by wrinkles, lack of firm and taut bodies, potential aging in a partner, and illness in the future.
Ironically younger Betas under 40 are attracted to older men who are Alphas/Tops because of maturity, confidence, resources which is why age disparate relationships are as natural in LGBTSGL relationships as hetero, younger to older. But that changes as those same Betas cross the 35–40 threshold.
Bottoms then have to look at their identity strategically, do more, be more active and targeted and change their lives—-which is why so many end up involuntary celibates—-because they don’t, won’t change. It was one of the reasons why I wrote The Definitive Guide to Pleasuring Tops, Bottoms and Versatiles.
Yeah, it gets deep…..
Heterosexuality, yes, creating its’ own incels, has more social places for men as they age.
Now those LGBTSGL born after 2000 will manage this better, overcome this faster, because the society around them has changed its’ attitude towards their Lived Lives.
#KylePhoenix
#TheKylePhoenixShow
