Hysterical Bottoms and Uncaring Tops

 You're a Top or maybe you're a Bottom or maybe you're rocking being Versatile or some variation and that's wonderful.  You've been sexual for awhile and you've started to find that there's a common thread through the men you're having relations with.  The Bottoms seem emotionally crazy and the Tops seem detached from anything but the sexual act.  This is both normal and a condition related to your sexuality or more importantly, its a condition related to the genders involved in your sexuality.  

When two men get together beyond simply the physicality (covered in my other blogs on here) there is also an emotional and spiritual component.  Let's apply the Chinese concept of chi or even more indepthly, yin and yang, to gender or more appropriate to the kinds of men you might encounter or might be.  
There are Alphas (more masculine because of heavier testosterone production in their bodies) and there are Betas (due to heavier levels of estrogen production in their bodies).

Alphas being Yang, the masculine principle, mostly Tops, sometimes Versatile.
Betas, being Yin, the feminine principle,  more so Versatile or  mainly Bottoms.
Let's just for genetic clarification, go with the Swainn theory from researching thousands of homosexual men that 15% of homosexual men are Alphas and 85% of homosexual men are Betas.
(When I do the Alpha/Beta workshops in person, men literally rail and fight and protest over their personal choice Q & A that allows us to answer which one they fall into.  They fight, oh, how they fight.  And this is the society mindfuck.  Homosexual men desperately want to be Alphas.  Desperately.  Like in a Barney's last sale kind of rushing way.  And yet, inevitably they're not.  This goes all the way back to your social issues, masculinity obsession and inadequacies, manhood issues and inadequacies, Mommy and Daddy issues, manhood issues, blah, blah, blah.  The rest of this is for the men who are mature enough to accept Nature and want to know how to be happy.)

Now we have some reference points for how men can be similarly sexually inclined but have different genetic dispositions that alter how they emotionally relate to sex.

For instance an Alpha would put sex into two distinct categories:

1. Throw Away Fucks/Fuck Buddies/One Night Stands 
2. LTR/Marriage Material Partners;

Betas would have categories of:
1. One Night Stands That Might Turn Into Something More
2. Fuck Buddies Who They Might Want As LTRs
3. LTR Potentials (they might be trying to use sex and dating to get commitment)
4. LTR Partners (who they might have extracurricular sexual activities with others separate from)

Just from that breakdown can you see how so much disparity can occur between Tops and Bottoms (Alphas and Betas)?  There's a multitude of permutations of what sex means to a Beta because estrogen gives access/facility to emotions, particularly around connection, pointedly during sex where oxytoxins, the emotional/sex bonding/intimacy chemical, are released in estrogen based people.  An Alpha is having a One Night Stand and because of the sexual connection, a Beta is having a One Night....with Potential....of maybe an LTR....into an LTR Partner.  Boom!  Miscommunication and judgment.

Now let's consider the elements of Yin and Yang.  How can we use Chinese spiritual philosophy to deal with the desire to be sexual, to be in relationships, and to have the third option of discerning how to communicate about wanting or not wanting, either?

Let's consider the mechanics of homo man sex: a Top is inserting their penis into a Bottom's rectum.  But what's occurring on an energetic level?  A Top, Yang based energy, is inserting---injecting---Yang energy into a receptor, a Yin based, person.  The Tao teaches that homosexual men must consider positioning in relationship to energy, their own, particularly taking responsibility for their energy.  When a Top is having intercourse they are putting in Yang energy and the Bottom is receiving it but like a battery, the energies are compatible when mixed but must be recirculated.  Yin and Yang energy always seek harmony and balance.

An Alpha (Yang) is inserting masculine based energy, power, dominance, assertion, protection, possession, guardianship, envelopment.

A Beta (Yin) is to channel back caring, emotionality, balance, harmony, acceptance, receptivity, love, fun, joy, peace, relaxation.

Okay, so you say, well I can see how an Alpha could insert Yang but how can a Beta recycle or give Yin energy if there is no penetration?  Yin energy might not be simply sexual, it might include massage of an Alpha, drawing a bath for him, fixing him a meal, listening compassionately to him, comforting him.  Yes, are you seeing the place of the feminine principle?  And more importantly are you seeing where the deep disruption of the obsession at only seeking "masculine" men is a level of anxiety driven insanity?

Men, particularly with men, need feminine, Yin energy, present in the relationship (even if the relationship is short term).

Now let's take this a step forward, imagine an Alpha is having sex with lots of accommodating, receptive, Yin based men.   Yang energy going into them---they fuck and then he bounces and leaves never to return.  Who's left with the Yang energy?  The Beta.  But he has no way to lovingly, estrogen based, Yin based way, of repaying, giving, doing his energy back to the Alpha.  He's then left laying or standing there charged with Yang energy and no one left to convert it into Yin energy and give it back to the Alpha.

You can see how this might leave the Beta bereft but say you're honestly an Alpha, you say---so, what, I got mine!

How does the Alpha lose out?  There is no one to "love" him back with their energy.  I'm not using the concept of love in a relationship context but in delightful, loving, caring, cuddling, caring, massaging loving.  The Alpha goes from Beta to Beta yanging but not getting yinned back so he finds the men he may  be sexual with too cloying, too demanding, too emotionally hysterical after the sex.  Now a Beta's reaction may come out as........wait for it....bitchiness, cattiness, passive aggressive resentment.  Are you starting to see your own issues and complaints?  Is the energetic balance or imbalance starting to make sense?

But What If I'm Versatile?  Or I'm Kinda Yang (or Yin)?

All men are kinda Yang, mainly because they possess and have testosterone, which is what made them Yang (male/masculine) to begin with.  The question is how to manage Yang.  And how to manage Yin.  The desire for sexualization whether it is to penetrate or be penetrated is Yang desire based but the Yin fundamental (Beta energy) might be will this man care for me afterwards and what will the caring look like?  In the context of a one night stand it might look like cuddling or staying the night or even prior to direct intercourse, extensive foreplay---loving sexual acts and emotional closure.  An Alpha is looking for something to "do" and a Beta is looking for a way to "be/feel".

But if you're Versatile then what?  Then honestly, you're in the area of Natural Balance.  Mostly because you can do and feel what it is like to be either in the energetic position of Yang, penetrating, protective, giving energy or Yin, receptive, accommodating, caring energy and therefore its easier for you to "do" the energy you are at other or allow it to be done to you without feeling used or smothered.

The question then becomes, what if I like exclusively being a Top or a Bottom---I'm cool with being Yang/Yin or Alpha/Beta without middle ground of Versatility (which the Tao, recognizing all sexualities, hetero and homo, accepts) but I want to still be present.  The answer is simple: understand the Other.    This means being conscious of your desires and your partners' no matter how  extensive or brief th coupling may be.  Negotiate what feels goof for you and what doesn't and extend yourself a bit into the realm of what doesn't.  Penetration doesn't mean a penis, it might mean manual/digit/finger stimulation---this gives a Beta a way to Yang energy penetrate you---but not entirely---and it can be delightful for prostate stimulation.  Allow an Alpha to truly envelop you, to fuck you, to dominate you without trying to passively be in control (of course you get to make boundaries) but trust him, give yourself over to him and afterwards negotiate what worked for you and what didn't.

Sex seen simply through a Yang framework means one of us must win because only the penetrator should be satisfied.

Sex seen through only a Yin framework might suggest too much emotional enmeshment too fast.

Sex seen through the balance of Yin and Yang says that time was what balanced you, this time balances me, let's negotiate next time (somewhere in here in here is also a deep non-individualistic negotiation for sex not being transitory, knowing someone you're having sex with, even if it's only for a short time or non-love).  If you start having sex consciously thinking and feeling about getting off, imagine the possibilities.  Imagine if you were able to express to a partner, "Hey, I'm cool with this because it would really get me off to imagine you doing this to me---is that okay?"  and more importantly, "What can I do to you, without judgment or ridicule to make you feel good and safe with me?"

Suddenly you're having that fantastic sex and connection you're always hearing about or witnessing in movies because you're using the art of communication, with some insight into whether you're Alpha or Beta, and your partner is listening and responding through that context.  Then maybe, just maybe, you're not trying to figure out why you thought you fucked a Bottom/Beta well----but he's so upset. Or you thought you gave yourself completely to a Top/Alpha and he never called back/chose someone else.  Now you can see that you invested too much emotional connection to him or too little and he acted like his hormones and energy has always had him acting in the dance of sex, gender and relationships.

Thank you,

Kyle Phoenix



Thanks and enjoy! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Time Warner Cable, Verizon Fios or Comcast or the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/


  1. was a great and informative article to me,thanks ,i will be sharing with mybuddies

  2. Thank you so much! There are other great blogs about each point of sex and materials I'm steadily releasing. Keep your eyes open!