Have gay men ever cried during or after sex because it was just that good? by Kyle Phoenix

 

• I once stood up in the bed afterward and applauded.
• I once gave a struggling student a thank you card full of cash the second go round.
• I once sent a framed painting a week later.
• I'm good for flowers, Fresh Direct weeks worth of groceries.
• I once spent a year finding lookalikes to past crushes with the same Zodiac signs to have sex with reasonable doppelgangers to create metaphoric closure. Literally metaphysical, psychological OCD.
• I once, badly, serenaded a guy under his bedroom window.
• I've spent untold thousands on small gifts, books, five-star dinners, tickets to concerts, Broadway shows (I generally say a friend gave me two tickets so guys don’t feel weird about us having different expenditure limits).
• I once slept soundly.
• I once compared notes with a guys roommate, they were unbeknownst to me, visiting alternate days.
• I once got applause from everyone present and active in the group.

I have yet to cry. But I’m young.....
And frisky.
Give me time.

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#TheKylePhoenixShow

What satisfaction do gay men get out of anal sex? by Kyle Phoenix

 

I think there are multiple pleasures, that are both personal, social and biological.

Personal

Personally I’ve enjoyed the closeness with a male partner, a Bottom, whether in love/a relationship or not. There’s an inherent trust that one has to establish with a Bottom because you’re doing something both socially verboten and physically-sexually challenging to penetrate the exterior and interior sphincter muscles. I have done so with a lot of guys and I try to be present—-not wild, whoo hoo porno sex—-but hey, let’s have fun and enjoy each other sex and also we’re in this together, I like you enough to do this with you—-I’m not just fucking to get off—-I’m engaging in thoughtful, present sex for our mutual pleasure—-which is often different from other men’s constant gay experiences/same sex experiences. Many times Bottoms talk about being fucked in almost revulsion from Tops—-they talk about wanting to be kissed, touched, rimmed, body contact—-talking about body contact!——as if it’s unusual for it to occur.

In that connection, I try to be present, be with someone, even if it’s just a hook-up, a one night stand, with someone I’m attracted to, not just to get my rocks off. I teach in workshops with men to reframe some of the language they use—-instead of horny—-seeking intimacy—-more adult, more expansive, of a greater truth.

I aim for intimacy in topping a dude. In time spent, positions, closeness, checking it, treats and cool water and towels on the nightstand, teasing, joking, laughing——treating lovers—-even temporary ones, like friends (and conversely, friends like lovers.)

Some of the satisfaction I get then is in that intimate connection, to being allowed to penetrate a man, to make him vulnerable in sex, sexuality, to expose him to my own self, my own masculinity, and maleness and be a safe space—-a protector, a provider, of pleasure.

Social

Socially, it’s a great way to get to know someone. To become a part of someone else, their body and their desires, and find their inner self, to be allowed into their sexuality, their psyche. What I mean in that is that LGBTSGL folk as a construct, an identity, an acceptable sexuality, is relatively new, I’m maybe the second, third generation, of this wave of Identity Progression/advancement and thereby, now, social acceptance. Being a part of social-sexual act with someone is slightly revolutionary, in the sense that it used to be a veiled, whispered, closeted, deeply closeted thing—-now not so much. Now someone can elect to share this experience with me and me them—-and we can use locations and the internet and social centers to find one another.

To be with a like-minded person from amongst billions of people, to make such an intimate connection and be able to do so so freely here in NYC, and other states, towns, countries, I’ve had sex in, is wondrous.

You feel that when you penetrate a man, when you’re with him—-it’s like a balloon, a whooshing, that comes out of him psychically, emotionally. Those are the best Bottoms to be with, those who relax, who feel into that connection, that freedom, that revelation. And it makes, even temporary connection sex fun and enlivening and delicious. It, not always from love, is close to it as it is a love of the freedom to be, to recognize to connect in such a way.

Biological

A friend and I, Michael Foster (one of the dozen smartest or so people I’ve met in life) and I belonged to a men’s organization that I would bring my workshop participants to. He and immediately geeked out—-he was a teacher at a museum and then a full time coordinator for the men’s group—-and we would observe the hundreds of men and their issues and thoughts. But we would consider them not simply as individuals but also as men, people, humans, acting out an identity, a sexuality.

I was bringing a broad range of materials form all over the world, making a deep dive research, for myself from a decade before, and then as a teacher then, about sexuality-identity, etc.. One of the things I came upon was the work of sociologists, sex therapists, psychologists around male sexuality, with other me, and the examination of How and Why these men, did what they did. Was their biological causation. Which is where I found many people using differing language about biological or genetic impact to sexuality and sexual positionality.

I was close to establishing a language for what I was seeing in the hundreds of men, from 14 to late 70s, in my groups—-like watching birds fly, en masse, through the sky, acting certain ways as a pack, as individuals. Also as the teacher/facilitator, I was trying to provide questioning men with concrete answers to their own inner ideas and turmoil and desires.

From Dr. Pat Allen, I was able to cull accurate descriptions for Masculine and Feminine energy, regardless of physical-biological sex. We got there!

Able to discuss and discern in one another identity by energy—-internal self direction whether one was a Masculine energy man of a Feminine energy man—-using Dr. Allen’s work as a baseline. I wanted to and her years and years of research, which she specifically delineated past physical sex and sexuality I was able then to roll alongside the Imago system, designed by Drs. Harville and Helen Hendrix, psychologists. Ultimately their teaching about Imago being how we learned to love—-a psyche-mentality-love emotional map that we designed based upon our parents/caregivers.

From there I was able to incorporate Keith Swain’s work, his surveying of thousands of men who had sex with men, to the Alpha and Beta Mating System and it’s descriptors of men as primarily Alphas or Betas in physicality and mentality/emotionality make up—-further from A and B, incorporating both A primary, a secondary with B primary, b secondary, and the applicable traits by the ABMS self-exam survey (including in the book).

Armed with all of this information, teaching over years, thousands of men, Michael and I started ad hoc experiments, asking men questions.

Like when they went to nightclubs how they attracted to men? Pheromones, sweat, semen—-was it possible to give off “scents” to attract men?

Betas—-primarily Bottoms, being able to scent out unconsciously Alphas based upon their having higher levels of testosterone (conversely Betas having higher levels of estrogen) affecting their physicality, intentionality, and sexuality. Alphas being primarily Tops and Betas Bottoms or versatiles, based upon hormones and then the question of how that attraction happened.

Yes, we had guys go to clubs after gym workouts and further, what if they—-Alphas masturbated before arriving or even kept on sweat clothing or applied semen to their sweat glands areas. (It works—they reported higher attractions-connections.)

I explain all of this to you to go further into what Michael and I discussed, which I think—-my thinking ability being to bring together disparate information/data—-seeing patterns and connections in the mass of confusing data.

Michael (who died of pneumonia suddenly as we were working out correlating data, how to bring together people, etc.—-he was a double Masters in sciences)—- and I also discussed why men did things, based on hormones. Men topping and bottoming and most importantly HIV transmission as such a prominent issue in the LGBTSGL community, pointedly Black and Latino groups having such high infection rates.

We hypothesized that Betas, Bottoms, ultimately the positionality most infected by HIV/Tops were doing so out of a biological urge to essentially merge estrogen to testosterone.

That we, sexed human beings, are drawn to each other biologically, regardless of our physical biological sex by those hormones. That those hormones thereby are affected by say another switch in us, our DNA, which effects sexuality.

Think of it like a slot machine. But similar to a slot machine, with multiple slots—-Sex (Biological), Sexuality (Personal), Gender (Social) were affected by the myriadical combinations but at the same time teh combinations affect one another.

What the fuck does that mean, Kyle?

It means that estrogen signals people, regardless of physical/biological Sex to get penetrated and testosterone to penetrate. Now of course we can override this all. (Which is where we bring in “free will” and the variety and diversity of Sex, Sexuality and Gender identities throughout time and to be explored now and in the future.)

But this also suggests in Topping, that a Bottom is trying to get—-testosterone——and a Top to “impregnate” to estrogen.

Now to incorporate the personal—-it does feel—-having been with men and women—-there is a desire, a biological “feeling”——under the attraction that we mentally experience and ride along. And when you talk to other Tops, who are aware enough and capable enough to try and discern the under-feeling (Bottoms as well) there is an impulse to do something, to give something to the person—-male or female you’re penetrating.

Which brings us yes, logically to barebacking, breeding, sperm-semen into another human as a desire to fulfill—-yes, having talked to Bottoms—-to receive—-we’re trying to give and receive biological information.

Even if you can’t get the receptacle pregnant. I’ve been teaching for years that just because your fire hose is pointing to, penetrating a different receptacle than a vagina-uterus——don’t mean the impulse to impregnate is lost in the liquid-jetstream.

Which yes, folds back into that under-feeling being some of the human—-male impulse—— to receive semen and to insert it—-which yes, would lead to an unexpected fourth slot into our human slot machine—-Disease-HIV-Sexual Transmitted Infections—-opportunistically being detrimental to that under-feeling, biological impulse. Which would explain the rampant infections over the past few decades and the continuous ignoring of STIs to those willingly practicing unsafe sex, without condoms or PRep, to even the desire to become HIV+, on purpose, in “breeding” from men. Yes, breeding being an apropos, though unintentional, terminology, to that under-feelings impulses in same sex attracted males. In discussions, in sex, in my own experiences (hence, why I wrote about it and lots of other things in my own books—-check out the other books and dive deep into other books on sexuality) there is a desire, that yes, can’t be biologically fulfilled with a man I might be penetrating—-but there’s something there, an impulse, an under-feeling that in topping I’m trying to….get to.

Dynamic Duos - The Alpha/beta Key to Unlocking Success in Gay Relationships

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Getting to 'I Do': The Secret to Doing Relationships Right!

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Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide

Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide

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The Definitive Guide to Pleasuring Tops, Bottoms and Versatiles: A Guide for Bi, Gay, Omnisexual and Same Gender Loving Men (4th Edition)

2021 EDITION Information captured from hundreds of workshops with men, surveys and in person counseling sessions, this book outlines what men who have sex with men like, feel, want and the sensations and actions that lead to pleasure. Includes Bonus Book: Mastering Online Dating! This book in the...

https://amzn.to/3O7NAmg

Amazon.com: Kyle Phoenix: books, biography, latest update

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If you are gay, what celebrity was your first man crush? by Kyle Phoenix

 

It was sort of weird as a teenager, or even younger—-I sort of found everyone attractive so I was not so much of confused as surprised at the abundance. I lost my virginity with a girl, Kim when I was 11, she was 12 and then my most significant fooling around with a boy, Walter at 14. Before and after both of them I had crushes and parochial school had cotillions and dances and I was on a boy’s swim team in middle school and high school. Between 8 and 10 I used to play kissyface with a handsome young boy, the handsomest in class, he was mixed with dazzling green eyes. I was a latchkey kid so we would go to my house and roll around making out but never actual sex.

Through that time I remember seeing cable movies with Vanity, Apollonia, and Jayne Kennedy.

You can see that I had a type though ironically Kim looked more like Lupita N.

I think what happened with Kim was about proximity and experience. Our mothers were best friends and Kim wasn’t a virgin and sexually aggressive in all of our playdates with touching and kissing until a sleepover turned into full blown sex——with her 7 year old brother watching us from across the room. The experience itself was fine, not distasteful but I wasn’t in love with her. I understood all of the mechanics and we did a lot, beyond making out, penetration and oral. But as I would mature sexually, I discovered enjoying more “advanced” sex. I remember she was all about the acrobatics but not being good at it.

Then in high school nerdy, coke bottle thick glasses wearing Walter and I ended up making out under a porch of a house in New Jersey. He too was rather inexperienced though interested and assertive but it was more touching and feeling and frottage——mainly because he was hung like a missile silo—-probably to date, the largest penis I’ve ever seen, and I wasn’t interested in being penetrated by him. But what came from that and my mother’s brief marriage and my stepfather’s handsome teenage son (he looked like a teen Will Smith) and his girlfriend, and our “group” friendliness, mutual crushation, was I discovered my imagination.

Being more of a thinker and having read lots of books, eventually making my way through my grandmother’s cabinet which included Sidney Sheldon and Jackie Collins (who’s books taught me all about oral sex)—-I learned how to combine my imagination with intent and anatomy and how to imagine folk naked, men naked. Many children who eventually move out of exclusive heterosexuality and along the LGBTSGL spectrum tend to live some of their teens in sort of an asexual way—-which I did in the periods between these hetero and homo explorations. Even with Kim and her bestie, Theadorsha—-who came over one evening and we fell into a three way—I was still sexually—-not obtuse, not uninterested, nor uninitiated, but not as obsessed with it as my peers.

I think because one, all my questions were answered, I had ample experience and I’d even been sexually abused by my cousins when I was younger. The sexual abuse though didn’t launch me into a wild sexuality or confused one, as it does some—-it sort of pushed me to be conscious of my sexuality—-what was choice, interest, consensual.)

I remember seeing the original Miami Vice episodes and crushing on both Don Johnson and Phillip Michael Thomas and then through the power of imagination able to picture them both naked, diving into a pool. ( I was on the swim team after all.) But then that imagery turned into like a fantasy and then a recurring dream.

I know it seems sort of banal but I was also writing tawdry soap operas in fiction, watching soap operas and mostly dodging horny teenagers. In middle and high school, two friends who played role playing games had some sort of weird experimental sex game going. We would as a group or me with each of them, cut school, wait until our parents left for work then go play D&D and Marvel roleplaying games for hours at my house.

Peter, who was nicknamed in school BJ—-because he loved giving blowjobs to so many boys——spent so much time trying to seduce me, as he had the other boys. I remember he was pasty skinned, buck toothed and somehow talked his mother into letting him get a black and orange mohawk, at 14.

Marcello, who was big and Latino, I thought was cuter but he ate his feelings so he went from stocky to chubby in spite of being 6′4.

I bring them up because Peter had often seduced Marcello and told me about it and his other conquests in attempts to seduce me. Oddly I never came out to Peter because he was so not just aggressive with boys but trying to seduce teachers, picking men up off the street, doing full bottoming with adult men. He was too extreme. Ironically years later working for an LGBTSGL non-profit, I came across him in some literature, he was HIV+. Some of my fore sighting fear was that he was too advanced, too indiscriminate. I guess I was discriminate.

Not a prude or conservative but always conscious of my safety (that’s one of the consciousness factors being sexually abused taught me—-to ask myself, even now, past the situation or someone’s feelings Do I want to do this? And be able to hear a clean Yes or No. I learned also two other self-check ins—-one from Oprah—-”Doubt means don’t” and from Patti Stanger—-Does my pecker like him/her and want to fuck them? The pecker never lies.) I use these check ins to this day when out on dates, meeting people, sizing folk up for attraction.

I had a huge crush on Bruce Willis (until I dated a few Pisces lol)

Its weird how there were so many sexual opportunities in my teens that I didn’t engage in because it seemed so juvenile, waiting until my early 20s to go on what can only be called a Star Trek level of exploration of all kinds of planets and universes for the two to three years from high school until 21 when I went off to college (deeply explaining why I was sort of on a hiatus in college, really only dating and hooking up with men 10 years older than me)——I lived off campus, and a couple of female students so I had a lot of freedom.

I’ve always had this thing about liking not the slutty folk but liking the calm, relaxed, hey let’s have some mutual fun as friends folk. Anxiety around sex or having to convince someone has never been my groove. Also weirdly, which is why there aren’t many on my celebrity crush list—-I don’t have many celebrity crushes——because I don’t know them as people. I only see them faking a role/identity so it’s hard for me to be attracted to the “them” of their identity—-even when they’re not acting.

I know weird right?

I can find them perhaps aesthetically attractive to a point but I find lots of folk attractive in that way whom I have only a musing sexual interest in.

In my teens and 20s my mother owned a modeling agency—-lots of pretty people in their teens through 40s, often using my bedroom or hallway to change into lingerie and such——she held rehearsals at our large apartment—-so I sort of became inured to two things—-beauty/handsomeness and overt sexuality. I’ve dated, been sexual with lots of beautiful folk, mainly because I’m less fawning of them—-they hate that (and the ones who don’t run from them!)—-and I had never thought about it as picking out attractive, pretty people with confidence until a friend talked about his specifically picking unattractive, overweight, homely looking men to compensate for his being under 5 feet tall. It was sort of like a balancing game to him because he looked slightly odd and had a couple of physical extremes in his body, so he would pursue other “oddities/extremes”.

Which of course made me think, because even some of my friends and students were/are very attractive people, but I can’t say I pick them socially due to attractiveness but I’m easier/less fawning to be around.

A few men have been professional models, actors, even escorts—-a few were breathtaking (again, I never told them this——they had already heard it a million times) and that lack of fawning on their celebrity, good looks or charisma seemed to make me more engageable.

It’s wonderfully weird to consider and dissect one thing—-celebrity crushes—-and come to a realization in the writing about beauty interests. I think that detachment is why I don’t have more celebrity “crushes”.

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What is the best kind of gay sex? by Kyle Phoenix

 

The best gay sex?

The best same sex sex?

It’s when a man (I haven’t had lesbian sex as a lesbian with a lesbian…though I have had sex with an eventual, lesbian) is comfortable with his sexuality. By comfort, I mean:

He’s Out.

Out men are better in bed because there’s no hang ups. Not Out men are more intense in bed because… they’re trying to vent, release, prove, experiment. But an Out guy—-he doesn't have to be in the yearly parade—-but no one is setting him up on hetero dates anymore, he is open to enjoyment himself. He’s not masculine as a force field or straight acting or worried that he’s feminine—-in fact he’ll do masculine and feminine things and be able to talk about it. Because he’s been able to have more relationships with healthier men, his sexual “vocabulary” is broader, deeper, more expansive. (Ironically this is why escorts, whatever their sexuality or client targets, tend to be so good at sex—-practice without reservations—-guilt or shame.)

Talk About It

One of the ways in which I deflect those I’m not attracted to is I ask them what they’re into? Based upon the answer you can pretty much ascertain what level they’re at in their sexuality. The problem is the answers you can get—-which are predominantly sexual—-when you could mean a host of other things. If a man can talk about himself and me, romantically, intimately, sexually then, without it sounding like a bad porno film or a mentally retarded guy—-who watches porn, exclusively—-I know he’s a good lover.

What are you into?

Fucking, sucking.

What are you into?

I like to take my time, see what feels right, ask questions, touch, kiss, listen, ask questions. I don’t have such a definitive list of yeses or noes—-I like to have fun, enjoy each other.

Porn

Many gay men learn their sexuality from porn because the society around them hasn’t made a healthy space for the teaching, training, Q&A around sex and same sex sexuality. Women are the natural teachers by the emotional training they get to develop intimacy. Men who are interested in men have to actively, consciously, learn to be intimate and connective with other men. Porn teaches this as detached distancing. Porn does not teach intimacy. Porn teaches the mechanics of sex. If you watch closely you can explicitly see everything—-on purpose—-their positionality is to facilitate seeing penetration, oral sex, etc.—-it’s not for the actors to have pleasure. Therefore those watching porn learn to have caricature-sex, not intimate sex. Intimate sex requires communication, knowledge and openness to pleasuring another person—-if a man tells you what turns him on, what he’s into and doesn't include YOU—-he’s bad at sex. A good lover speaks to his partners pleasure FIRST and from there receives back reciprocation.

In workshops we discuss and present different kinds of porn and ask the participants to bring in their favorite porn. What we’re trying to get at is the difference between hardcore fantasy and the seeking of intimacy that is sometimes apparent in pornography. Yes, there is male to male pornography where the actors connect, know each other, are in a relationship so the observers can see genuine intimacy. There’s even an adult series that moves through different kinds of couples who are sexual in front of a camera.

But many gay men talk to other men about sex and connection as if they’re in a porno magazine. It can feel not simply predatory but reductive and destructive to have a man, whom you’re attracted to—-even just on a slight visual level—-offers sexual congress that is not about connection but about objectivity. That you’re a dick or a hole and think that’s attractive.

Self-Image

Does he like himself? If he likes himself as a person, he knows how to like people when there are challenges. It is also a mark of how a man treats you in how he envision himself. So much of gay culture involves things like barebacking (unsafe sex that shows a lack of concern for self and others), calling each other pigs and bears and such—-there’s an internalized degradation and self destruction——smashing, pounding, destroying that hole. I think because it’s so difficult to construct a healthy, strong self image as an MSM.

Fetishes

Too many gay men have fetishes. What men don’t understand is that you can have a fetish. That’s fine. My most packed, 2 day workshop was on identifying and defining Fetishes for Men. But one of the things I discuss in the workshops is that what you like and want is fine but with other people, you can’t expect someone else to get off on inserting a bowling ball into you in the super special way you’ve determined thrills you.

A fetish, while it may involve other people, has to involve the other person—-they have to be interested in YOU first and then they’ll be more interested in your fetish.

Other people is when we objectify other humans; involving another person is that you want to not only share that bowling ball fetish but you specifically seek to use that bowling ball fetish to get off the other person. Which rolls into the next area of delineating how to get to good gay sex/lovers.

Compersion

Taking pleasure in a lovers pleasure. Sex is both selfish and giving. Ironically you get more sex by giving more to others; you selfishly give to receive back. If you find a partner who feels the same, it’s wonderful simpatico.

The best lovers I’ve met and had, were surprisingly invested in my pleasure.

What did I like?

What pleased me?

By being asked that I then leaned in more to figure out and please the other guy. Mutual pleasuring without a selfish agenda.

The Definitive Guide to Pleasuring Tops, Bottoms and Versatiles: A Guide for Bi, Gay, Omnisexual and Same Gender Loving Men (4th Edition)

2021 EDITION Information captured from hundreds of workshops with men, surveys and in person counseling sessions, this book outlines what men who have sex with men like, feel, want and the sensations and actions that lead to pleasure. Includes Bonus Book: Mastering Online Dating! This book in the...

https://amzn.to/3O7NAmg

The Definitive Guide to Pleasuring Tops, Bottoms and Versatiles: A Guide for Bi, Gay, Omnisexual and Same Gender Loving Men (4th Edition)

2021 EDITION Information captured from hundreds of workshops with men, surveys and in person counseling sessions, this book outlines what men who have sex with men like, feel, want and the sensations and actions that lead to pleasure. Includes Bonus Book: Mastering Online Dating! This book in the...

https://amzn.to/3O7NAmg

The Definitive Guide to Pleasuring Tops, Bottoms and Versatiles: A Guide for Bi, Gay, Omnisexual and Same Gender Loving Men (4th Edition)

2021 EDITION Information captured from hundreds of workshops with men, surveys and in person counseling sessions, this book outlines what men who have sex with men like, feel, want and the sensations and actions that lead to pleasure. Includes Bonus Book: Mastering Online Dating! This book in the...

https://amzn.to/3O7NAmg

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