The best gay sex?
The best same sex sex?
It’s when a man (I haven’t had lesbian sex as a lesbian with a lesbian…though I have had sex with an eventual, lesbian) is comfortable with his sexuality. By comfort, I mean:
He’s Out.
Out men are better in bed because there’s no hang ups. Not Out men are more intense in bed because… they’re trying to vent, release, prove, experiment. But an Out guy—-he doesn't have to be in the yearly parade—-but no one is setting him up on hetero dates anymore, he is open to enjoyment himself. He’s not masculine as a force field or straight acting or worried that he’s feminine—-in fact he’ll do masculine and feminine things and be able to talk about it. Because he’s been able to have more relationships with healthier men, his sexual “vocabulary” is broader, deeper, more expansive. (Ironically this is why escorts, whatever their sexuality or client targets, tend to be so good at sex—-practice without reservations—-guilt or shame.)
Talk About It
One of the ways in which I deflect those I’m not attracted to is I ask them what they’re into? Based upon the answer you can pretty much ascertain what level they’re at in their sexuality. The problem is the answers you can get—-which are predominantly sexual—-when you could mean a host of other things. If a man can talk about himself and me, romantically, intimately, sexually then, without it sounding like a bad porno film or a mentally retarded guy—-who watches porn, exclusively—-I know he’s a good lover.
What are you into?
Fucking, sucking.
What are you into?
I like to take my time, see what feels right, ask questions, touch, kiss, listen, ask questions. I don’t have such a definitive list of yeses or noes—-I like to have fun, enjoy each other.
Porn
Many gay men learn their sexuality from porn because the society around them hasn’t made a healthy space for the teaching, training, Q&A around sex and same sex sexuality. Women are the natural teachers by the emotional training they get to develop intimacy. Men who are interested in men have to actively, consciously, learn to be intimate and connective with other men. Porn teaches this as detached distancing. Porn does not teach intimacy. Porn teaches the mechanics of sex. If you watch closely you can explicitly see everything—-on purpose—-their positionality is to facilitate seeing penetration, oral sex, etc.—-it’s not for the actors to have pleasure. Therefore those watching porn learn to have caricature-sex, not intimate sex. Intimate sex requires communication, knowledge and openness to pleasuring another person—-if a man tells you what turns him on, what he’s into and doesn't include YOU—-he’s bad at sex. A good lover speaks to his partners pleasure FIRST and from there receives back reciprocation.
In workshops we discuss and present different kinds of porn and ask the participants to bring in their favorite porn. What we’re trying to get at is the difference between hardcore fantasy and the seeking of intimacy that is sometimes apparent in pornography. Yes, there is male to male pornography where the actors connect, know each other, are in a relationship so the observers can see genuine intimacy. There’s even an adult series that moves through different kinds of couples who are sexual in front of a camera.
But many gay men talk to other men about sex and connection as if they’re in a porno magazine. It can feel not simply predatory but reductive and destructive to have a man, whom you’re attracted to—-even just on a slight visual level—-offers sexual congress that is not about connection but about objectivity. That you’re a dick or a hole and think that’s attractive.
Self-Image
Does he like himself? If he likes himself as a person, he knows how to like people when there are challenges. It is also a mark of how a man treats you in how he envision himself. So much of gay culture involves things like barebacking (unsafe sex that shows a lack of concern for self and others), calling each other pigs and bears and such—-there’s an internalized degradation and self destruction——smashing, pounding, destroying that hole. I think because it’s so difficult to construct a healthy, strong self image as an MSM.
Fetishes
Too many gay men have fetishes. What men don’t understand is that you can have a fetish. That’s fine. My most packed, 2 day workshop was on identifying and defining Fetishes for Men. But one of the things I discuss in the workshops is that what you like and want is fine but with other people, you can’t expect someone else to get off on inserting a bowling ball into you in the super special way you’ve determined thrills you.
A fetish, while it may involve other people, has to involve the other person—-they have to be interested in YOU first and then they’ll be more interested in your fetish.
Other people is when we objectify other humans; involving another person is that you want to not only share that bowling ball fetish but you specifically seek to use that bowling ball fetish to get off the other person. Which rolls into the next area of delineating how to get to good gay sex/lovers.
Compersion
Taking pleasure in a lovers pleasure. Sex is both selfish and giving. Ironically you get more sex by giving more to others; you selfishly give to receive back. If you find a partner who feels the same, it’s wonderful simpatico.
The best lovers I’ve met and had, were surprisingly invested in my pleasure.
What did I like?
What pleased me?
By being asked that I then leaned in more to figure out and please the other guy. Mutual pleasuring without a selfish agenda.
#KylePhoenix
#TheKylePhoenixShow
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