Kyle Phoenix Answers: Have you ever hired a male escort? How was it?

Yes.

For years I've taught msm/gay/sgl relationship workshops in NYC. It often comes up about men asking for help, money, etc so I designed a workshop on boundaries which natural lead to hiring escorts....one of my participants was a pro so he could answer questions.

Afterwards I was curious and felt sexually narrow especially after the reasoning some men gave centered on being sexually pleased without having the consciousness of giving. It struck me how often and much I'd given sexually in my own history and only intermittently gotten back. I decided to hire someone. I should've also bought a house because it took as long in searching.
It took about a year.

It helped and hurt that I was an expert because I was able to accurately ask myself what I wanted but my work radar from work let me see the undercurrents in online profiles. No drugs, I've never done them, no smokers, no unsafe sex, no abhorrent behaviors or mentalities. Lots of ideas around domination and control, humiliation, thug personas, non-intimacy, desperate youth, dangerous hustlers, cross referencing thru review sites and eventually using porn movie appearances as auditions.

It felt like I was half serial killer seeking a target and truly shopping for myself. Self interest when its healthy feels clean, honest, from a clear place. It also pushed me to not simply sexualize someone else but examine my own sexual energy and desires. I found that normally in sex we accept the person so we go along with the sex but in hiring someone I wasn't in charge of just the situation but also my own pleasure. A true pro would show up ready to please, wad I ready to be made happy?

I ended up learning how to discern healthy sex workers and respecting them and their work. I also really had to breakdown what I found attractive.

Price controls quality.

Anything under $200 an hour was amateur, desperate, low end.

But too high, say over $300 was almost a form of abuse from an escort and egotism.

I learned that pros aren't greedy because they're so good, business will return.

I narrowed it down to a handful, checked times, intuited HIV status from safety or not in films, considered personality from what they would and wouldn't do. Interestingly men who kiss as pros are more intimate, nicer. Non kissers were potential hustlers.

Finally I settled on Carlos. As a second choice when the first choice was out town. Interestingly enough I was often dating and found it comforting to have the resources for sexual play before I did it. It was like owning a car but taking the subway, I didn't need to hunger for dates because I knew I might hire Carlos. I became more confident and sexy.

It also took time to not be in a dating relationship to hire him but finally I did. Our first meeting got cancelled due to a work emergency but he was so gracious that he moved into the first slot. I found him to be warm and direct, lacking coyness or mixed signals.
The byproduct of hiring an escort are all of these new perceptions.

Finally we set an early morning date. He came over and honestly I was nervous. Weirdly. I wanted him to almost like me or at least find me attractive "enough". We chatted a bit, on the couch and then I actually felt chemistry and we had a great time. Earlier he'd asked what I liked so he showed up geared towards my pleasure. The anxiety of pleasing another went away and self consciousness. His work was to make me feel attractive and accepted. It worked.

I had a great time.

So much so that I hired him two more times...pros make bucks on the come back.
I also petitioned for a workshop retreat that would include escorts for the 20-40 men we took out of state. So many gay men are sexually frustrated because of stigma and this rush to sex because the acceptance can feel so fleeting you want to gobble it up.

With Carlos I felt the sex positive messaging I'd been teaching. I understood why a wealthy person would pay tens of thousands to one per... say Governors like Spitzer. Its like a therapist, paying deep intimate attention to just you. Queuing in to your needs. He spontaneously offered me a massage and I suddenly had to relax and let someone take care of me.

The massage was like his bonus toss on to make me feel happy.

I'd had a less positive picture of pay for sex but suddenly I found myself with a professional sex worker. Not a desperate street walker. I want to make that distinction, Carlos actually worked full time.

Safely, with some forethought, self examination I've often wondered what a sex positive retreat or in times of being single, would garner. So many men debase themselves for sex and yet to experience a good, healthy time transformed my own appreciation of not simply sex nut my own desires and fantasies.

I highly recommend it though I want to stress I mean from a pro sex worker, someone who enjoys it as much as you can and has pro boundaries and ethics.

Special Report# 12: How and Why To Hire or Become an Escort: A Guide for Bi, Gay and Same Gender Loving Men (Kyle Phoenix Presents)

Smile, Kyle
KylePhoenixShow@Gmail.com

The Kyle Phoenix Show 

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Kyle Phoenix Answers: Sexism: Are beauty pageants sexist, objectifying of, or otherwise demeaning to women?

I recently saw a documentary on Netflix about Venezuelan beauty pageants and how they have a political and social growth origin. I think humans, even relatively poor ones have to focus on something. Men have muscle contests, martial arts cage matches and rodeos where the physicality is what we're looking at. One could even argue the Olympics are a form of athletic pageants .

What I find fascinating are how many women are part of oppressive, demeaning systems towards women. Men dont turn a blind eye to diminution of men in the same way that women do. Perhaps anon-female president is evidence of this reduction on the part of women? Or participation in pageants is like being a rapists assistant in a preferred way? You're playing out beauty stuff but also passively harm in and controlling other women. I'm very interested in the undercurrent of social actions and reasoning.

Thank you,

Kyle Phoenix

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MSM Insanity # 1: DL And In A Relationship

 It recently came up on the tv show and in a forum, what were some of the things that MSM were constantly doing that didn't work.  Or concepts that they held that simply didn't wash or lead to more trouble than they were worth.  The concept of being DL, not Out and yet wanting to be in a full loving relationship.  Now so we clarify, all interactions with humans are relationships---so I'm not going to dispute the ability to be in one but to be in a loving, satisfying one............ehhhhhh that's where we enter the Twilight Zone of MSM Insanity.

The counter-example I always use is heterosexual relationships.  Now some might argue that the use of hetero to illustrate homo is anti-norming as one is not the same and can't be as the other.  I disagree.  Both relationships are populated by human beings who are the same species.  What differs may be the presence of more or less estrogen and testosterone but to lobby for civil rights, to get marriage equality, to receive health care spouse benefits, we're going to have to "normalize" at some point.  As a side rant, it's easy want to stay "different" when you've grown up different or as a wise facilitator put it to a group I was in, abnormal people when pushed out of the norm, create abnormal communities (i.e. the gay community) who's rules and mores may not make sense when integrated back into the overall human community.

Which brings me sort of full circle to DL relationships---in a homo abnormal community, shame based relationships are the norm.  I can't tell my Mommy about you, you're terrified your boss will see us eating dinner together (because we all know when two men or women are eating together that immediately is a pre-cursor to genital penetration); if I acknowledge you I have to take responsibility for you and all your bills and your crazy family; if my friends knew about you they would----well, explode or at the very least expel me from our little group that is as valuable and impactful as the UN.  Have you noticed where the reasoning and excuse lead---general forms of paranoid delusions.

Life Secret: People ain't thinking about you nearly as much as you would like.  And even when they are, it's still less than they say.

Human beings have a lot of reality going on, over 90% of their thoughts are about themselves and their immediate concerns, not your crotch and it's shenanigans.  Now if you pose the question of the validity or the actions or reactions of your crotch, humans have an opinion---but even then it's generally only about 50% of them really care enough to comment.  That percentage may be really loud so it seems like it's a lot of people but it really isn't.  This means that half the people aren't think about you at all and the other half aren't thinking about you 90% of the time.  Think about that.  Stroll through your day pointing out people to yourself and observing---there's another person not thinking about me; oooh, look at that one over there not giving a damn; yup, she definitely doesn't know I exist.

Life Secret: Human beings are their own unique universes.

With so much to manage in a personal universe, thinking about the thoughts and actions of others isn't always useful or logical.  This brings us back to the emotional reasoning for delusional paranoia---sometimes it's people who are on the margins wanting attention.  The most pathetic thing a human being can do is tell you how much attention people are casually paying to them---it's either borderline or definitely a resident of narcissism.  People will notice you.  Check you out.  Glance you over.  Wonder where you got those shoes, who did your hair, why your shirt is so bright and then they move on to should they have gravy with the chicken tonight, their left foot hurts, they have to pee, American Idol is coming on soon, they have to call a friend, their kid has a cold and they need to buy some aspirin, bread is more expensive, they're thirsty, the sun sure is bright today, that's a nice car, ooooh, look at that other person.....and so on.  Did you see how quickly they flashed from you to their own universe?  Yeah, I estimate it's even quicker than that in reality.

When one tries to be DL/Not Out and have a relationship two incongruent realities are occurring---that a lot of us on Earth care what you're doing and with whom and that a relationship can survive that constant paranoid delusional smothering.  Smothering?  Yes, imagine walking with your parents and your mother introduced you as some kid from around the neighborhood?  Or your father introduced your mother as a lady who lives in his building?  There would be confusion, hurt feelings and hell to pay.  Human beings thrive on inclusion, in fact it's one of the ways we feel loved and appreciated.  When we exclude people, we kill them a little bit, especially when we bounce back and forth in intimacy.  I loved you down last night but won't stand next to you on the bus.  I told you how much I love you secretly in the back room at my house but introduce you after three years to my mother as my co-worker.  It's a minimization of one's own humanity (and the others' as well.)

Now I understand that everyone is on the spectrum of their own "outness" and transparency and may have legitimate reasons for trying to negotiate inner knowing with public awareness but what I can tell you is it's like a needle prick---people only care for a second or two then they go on about their grocery list.  However when you've grown up feeling self-consciously seen, the words sissy and faggot, casually thrown sticking to you and then internally knowing that people can't see you, like when you go on that prom date with a girl or marry a woman and never tell her about your secret penchant for loving men down...and it continues, you're living a level of cognitive dissonance.  Two incongruent realities within a singular reality.  It never, ever, ever works out----haven't we had 30 to 40 years of TV talk shows point that out to us?  Your spouse finds out, your family always knew, you get outted, your sexuality is so painfully obviously people wonder if you've come full circle you're so out, on and on.

And honestly, isn't it exhausting?  Cover stories, changing pronouns, seeing the hurt look or the cold casualness of calling someone your "friend" or the isolation of your relationship existing, because you're a "homebody" (the new code word for SHHHHHHHHHH!), but ultimately stagnating or exploding as that person finds sustenance elsewhere.

Humans take pride in their mates, part of having a mate is showing what you captured, pretty and handsome in your eyes.  Seeing the admiration in the eyes of others.  The compliments of how nice you look together.  The social help your family and friends can give to keep a marriage/relationship together.  It's no coincidence that marriage is such a hot button issue because when you think about it a community is coming together to bless a union, to sanctify your love your choices, to celebrate it, to confer new legal rights and privileges due to your responsibility.  It's literally one of the ways which humans mature over their lifetimes....exclusion and invisibility being our most childish way of minimizing each other.  Is it no surprise that MSM who practice invisibility and exclusion are neurotic, anxiety riddled, susceptible to diseases, dogged out, used by other men, disenchanted with love, bitter at relationships and terrified of their own shadows.  When we try to oppose natural human expressions and needs, it never, ever, ever----no, really, ever, works out.





Thank you,
Kyle Phoenix
kylephoenixshow@aol.com
http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Face Book or Follow Us on Twitter!  Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Black and Latino Men: Why They Fail And How To Change

I was confronted with the question, what's wrong with Black and Latino men, by one of my email responses to the TV show a while back and while dismayed for sexuality and race to be so negatively entwined, I could understand what they meant.  A friend shared with me in a group that he had concerns about the state of men of color because so many that he met were HIV+, ex-convicts, addicts or in recovery/12 Step programs.  While all of these states have a positive upswing to them if maintained healthily, he was concerned that the state of men of color particularly men of color available for long term relationship or hell, even mid-term relationships was dwindling.  Fast.  I did several shows on race and sexuality at first and then when the question came back up again, I thought how could I address it, answer it.

What IS wrong with Black and Latino men?

As we free fall into the 21st Century we're confronted by competition, global competitors in ways that American society hasn't had to deal with before.  The current American university graduation rate is about 40,000 people with engineering/science degrees; in India it's 400,000 and in China i'ts 1 million.  A year.  No, hold on to that figure, a year.

HIV rates are highest for men of color in America and there are close to 30 million Africans who are infected with HIV II in Africa.  The average lifespan for a HIV individual with HIV now is about 24.5 years and the cost to the state/medical is about $600,000 over that time.

From high school measurements, 70% of Black and 80% of Latino students don't graduate on time.  Now this number shifts to to 50% & 65% because "on time" is measured as precisely four years.  Most states have continuous systems that allow make up credits in the Senior summer, so graduation is conferred that September--making them  4.4 years, lowering the percentage. (Just being precise here.)  Those others go on to GED programs but only 50% of those numbers actually accomplish GED completion within 10 years so that means a quarter of Black and a third of Latinos don't graduate high school.

There's the popular measurement of 70% of Black and 60% of Latino households being only 1 parent headed (generally female).  This affects males because in spite of the mothers who testify that they were mother and father to their child and the children who capitulate and proclaim success at one parent---a bad or absent parent is not a fair measurement against a household with two present parents.  Also human beings learn by role modelling.  Males teach boys how to be men and women teach girls.  If a boy sees his mother occupying a position of head of household power when he begins to blossom into maturity and needs a male role model, she's not present and he might go haywire (see: education and crime statistics).

Conversely girls who grow up in a female headed household, see a strong female in charge so they learn how to be a strong, independent woman.  By learning how to be a strong independent woman, one becomes one and perhaps honestly perpetuates a cycle by getting a man who hasn't been modeled manhood too.  She becomes the de facto "man"---in earning potential, in household control, in governmental recognition (you can't maintain your family structure of two adults with services like Welfare---the man must go) so she becomes head of household, just like her mother was and then she has a daughter and the cycle continues.  Males of color are useful for breeding and pleasure but they're simply older children---this goes into the whole refrain of "there are no good men".

United States prison contain well over 2,000,000 people, the largest in the world---half of that number are Black and Latino.  A community deprived of it's men cannot move forward as it forces the women to decide between child rearing properly and earning sustenance.  She might do both but she might not be able to do both effectively.

All of the above is the refrain of men of color but it is affecting truths that disrupt identity for men of color.  In fact if you look at this, men of color are dodging landmines of epic potential in competition or destruction.

But we're still alive.  
And we're thriving.

There are healthy, sane, educated men of color who are MSM however they might only occupy a small population.  Say the statistical evidence of 10% of a population being same gender loving.  That means there are approximate 4 million SGL men of color in America.  Let's say you edit based on age, out/transparency about their sexuality, attractiveness, sanity and accessibility---let's say that cuts 50% out of your choosing pile.  Let's say you edit out regions---more in urban cities like NYC, Chicago, LA, etc.---so we'll knock that down to about 1,000,000 and then we'll divide that across the USA.  Using NYC as an example there are about 100,000 eligible MSM here.  10% are nucking futs---just off the top---we thought they were sane but then---well you know how that goes.  Then let's say half of that number, 45,000 are in relationships with each other or women.

That leaves 45,000 men of color who are MSM in NYC who fit the criteria of "Good Men".

If we apply the above numbers of prison, HIV, education, single parent household lack of manhood training that leaves us with about 20,000 who are directly available without suffering from any of the mass ills above.  However the question then becomes, do you suffer from the mass ills above?

If you do, what do you do?

First, therapy.
Any man of color who is MSM who has not every decade of his life pointedly sat down with a trained therapist, needs to in order to get perspective on his survival against the odds, almost like PTSD.  And then he needs help managing life like we all do, but he might need special help balancing race and homosexuality in America's delightful racial and sexuality loving environment.  Depression at all the things that race and sexuality bring about is also a norm for MSM so it's a great way to work those issues of anger, shame, confusion and despondency out.


Second, education.
While we can all agree that basic (K to 12) is good for the world, being an American male of color means that you have to excel in ways that you might be equipped to without education.  It also means that if you don't educate, you can't assist your community fully.  Most people don't consider that the Civil Rights movement occurred because so many minimally high school/blue collar working men were bale to participate.  Educated men of color become even more powerful the more educated they are.  They developed intellectual skills of flexibility as well as strategic capacity to deal with the world.  Less education, more frustration and resentment but also less coping mechanisms and chances at social and economic success.  Race still is a determining factor in social power in America, men of color need every social and intellectual edge they can get.

Third, relationships.
Single men don't live as a long; are more apt to explore addictions; have more health concerns; couples progress further socially and financially.  Why?  Nagging is also a form of love.  Nagging to take care of one's health, nagging to work harder, nagging to relax.  Husbands and wives have cared for and kept partners alive longer than anyone would have expected in many cases because love is not only a feeling, it's a verb.

MSM must date and perhaps even procreate/parent because human beings are legacy based and relationship addicts.  From statues to children to monuments to buildings to businesses, when you live forward, you grow.  Children also have given humans throughout time reasons to stay healthy, to push on, to deal with depression.


Finally, purpose.
What are you alive for?  To do?  Where do you want to go, travel, do?  Start a business?  Write a novel?  Have a threesome in every state in America?  Learn to salsa?  Sing on Broadway?  We all have goals and dreams, most of them we can make come true.  Don't be shy, don't be reticent---if your goal is a husband find the dating nights at your local community centers and go; get online, go to sexuality based outings; maybe even go to a nightclub once a month.  Get out there.  Live!  Adopt some children.  Be a foster parent. Volunteer with older people with children, cleaning parks, serving at soup kitchens.  Men, Good Men are everywhere but you have to get out there and let them know you're out there too---there are at least 20,000 men around you that you have to start chatting up.


Thank you,
Kyle Phoenix
kylephoenixshow@aol.com
http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Face Book or Follow Us on Twitter!  Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Sexual Repression and Homosexuality

How is it possible to be repressed and be a homosexual man (or woman)?  When we consider sexuality in our culture, isn't the normal projection that men who have sex with men are constantly having sex?  That unfettered by the female expectation of social restriction, pregnancy and courtship (to some degree) this leaves men to simply fornicate constantly?   What we tend not to consider is the burden of manhood, religion, inability at one's sexuality and social factors when we measure the sexuality of MSM.

Manhood
The construct, particularly the Westernized construct of manhood not only doesn't consider but in fact finds the concept of a man being penetrated by a man synonymous to rape at worst and mental illness at best.  The weight of these projections rest upon MSM as well as heterosexual men.  How to reconcile penetrating a man or even more terrifying, laying on one's back, throwing one's legs to heaven and allowing one's self to be penetrated, willingly.

Once while talking to a female friend in college, she shared that she was a virgin but that her and her boyfriend were fooling around.  And while she found him intensely sexually attractive she was terrified of penetrative sex.  I told her that it was probably the most fundamentally natural feeling to have.  Our biology, outside from eating and elimination, is geared at not allowing anything foreign into it.  To psychologically overcome the biological aversion/fear of being penetrated (perhaps infected with a disease at worse or simply having some form of anal/tearing at best) is natural.  Even if one is the Top, the concept of getting penetrative stimulation from penetrating another men, particularly through an area that has been so erroneous associated with only elimination means that being sexual is a hurdle in simply the mechanics because of manhood.

Religion

America, westernized civilization, whether we know how to handle it is a Christian dominated culture.  The next religions in size Islam and Judaism are not lovingly amenable to homosexuality either.  However what we have to remember is that the major religions were conceived thousands of years ago by people roaming deserts and people who had to socially control millions of people.  Application of religion to society now is often difficult, which is why there are millions of preachers explaining and codifying the same text.

The social weight of growing up in a family that was either not too religious or excessively so, their morality was influenced by the society they were born into.  A boy growing into a physically and sexually mature male would probably not have appropriate, self esteem building role models.  Human beings grow through maturity by having role models, we've only recently in society as a whole, pointedly with the internet, had the availability of multiple perspectives no matter where you're born.

Where are many homosexuals getting an education around their sexuality?  Pornography.  Porn, while physically demonstrative of what to do, where to put it, and even how to react is still an artificial construct.  Imagine learning how sue for child custody by watching Kill Bill.  Yes, it's just as warped and extreme.


Inability At One's Sexuality 

This leads to an inability at what to do, how to do, when to do one's sexuality.  What are the dating rules?  What does non-sexual intimacy look like?  What's the appropriate time to be sexual?  Men and women, who are heterosexual, don't realize the fortune of having a guide of dating, courtship, engagement, marriage to follow.  Simply that structure allows heterosexuals to adhere to it or to not adhere to it.  Imagine that, a road map.  Now imagine not having a road map.  The terror at doing what feels good and natural but there being so few sources to check with. And more insanely who are the role models, other homosexual men who haven't had role models so many men are exhausted at contradictory rules and expectations.  The male ego is most fragile around failure, especially when the outcome is in such an intimate areas: love, sex, acceptance.

 Social Factors

Not all homosexuals grow up in wild, socially expansive cosmopolitan cities like New York or Chicago or Miami or San Francisco.  Without having a Castro Street or a Greenwich Village to migrate to and explore one might be trapped in a small town, with enforced mores around behavior and sexuality.  That might impact finding a boyfriend (or a girlfriend), learning to date, having healthy sexual relationships, etc..  How many homosexuals had desperate crushes or full blown love with someone in high school or college who was rightfully experimenting with their sexuality?  And then that person moved on, homosexuality, and therefore you, not being an acceptable part of their lives?

It is actually normal to experiment with sexuality but if you think you're the only one in the universe in your growing up place, you find another and that relationship changes, it's debilitating.  And when something is so impactful to the ego, the sense of self, people shutdown.  The social weight of not being able to engage in the social game of dating, mating and sexuality---(your friend not having the social right to experiment with their sexuality, yes, you've imposed a rigid sense of binary based sexuality on the other person, too.  Yup, homosexuals can be rigid and bigoted about their expectations about the sexualities of others.  In fact, more so than heterosexuals.)---leaves a man untutored in how to date, to love, to be intimate.  High school is the training ground for mating and dating but if you came from a venue that didn't allow this without abuse, bullying and ridicule then you hid your sexuality.  And if your family, controllers of resources and love in your life, had mores that suggested your sexuality was verboten then you got real comfortable in the closet.

And you might still be living a closeted life.  Why?  Have you considered that it is your inherent human right from the universe---or whatever you believe in---to be free, to be loved, to be accepted?  Even more importantly, that all the people you might not be revealing your sexuality to will die one day and most times, they aren't thinking about you or your sexuality.  In fact possibly not being transparent about yourself is denying them the right to deal with their views on sexuality (and sometimes their own sexuality)?

It is revolutionary to find a man or woman who is able to love intimately their own gender because they've had to climb over their own physical fears, their initial perceptions of God, bad information and maybe everyone up to the moment they're in your arms, on that first date with, asking you out.

Be gentle.  With yourself and others.

If you're not interested, let them down easy but let them know how fantastic you think they are.  Maybe even still try going out on a date with.  Heterosexuals have dates that don't lead to instant love every day.  In fact when polled heterosexuals overwhelmingly say that it took 10 to 20 dates before they felt deeply attracted/in love to their mate.  Think of how quality that information is for how humans build intimacy.  They take their time, they don't allow sexual impulses or lack to be the only reason to mate.

You can't get pregnant so a date isn't a permanent, lifetime connection.  Experiment with it.  Learn to "duty date".  You won't love everyone.  You don't have to be sexual to be liked or feel whole.  You're just practicing moving beyond immediate sex to making your sexuality the norm, for yourself and others.  The worse that can happen is you become a free, fun, attractive date who doesn't come across as neurotic, hung up, heavily closeted, frightened of love.

Thank you,

Kyle Phoenix

kylephoenixshow@aol.com

http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Thanks and enjoy! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Time Warner Cable, Verizon Fios or Comcast or the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Hysterical Bottoms and Uncaring Tops

 You're a Top or maybe you're a Bottom or maybe you're rocking being Versatile or some variation and that's wonderful.  You've been sexual for awhile and you've started to find that there's a common thread through the men you're having relations with.  The Bottoms seem emotionally crazy and the Tops seem detached from anything but the sexual act.  This is both normal and a condition related to your sexuality or more importantly, its a condition related to the genders involved in your sexuality.  

When two men get together beyond simply the physicality (covered in my other blogs on here) there is also an emotional and spiritual component.  Let's apply the Chinese concept of chi or even more indepthly, yin and yang, to gender or more appropriate to the kinds of men you might encounter or might be.  

There are Alphas (more masculine because of heavier testosterone production in their bodies) and there are Betas (due to heavier levels of estrogen production in their bodies).

Alphas being Yang, the masculine principle, mostly Tops, sometimes Versatile.

Betas, being Yin, the feminine principle,  more so Versatile or  mainly Bottoms.

Let's just for genetic clarification, go with the Swainn theory from researching thousands of homosexual men that 15% of homosexual men are Alphas and 85% of homosexual men are Betas.

(When I do the Alpha/Beta workshops in person, men literally rail and fight and protest over their personal choice Q & A that allows us to answer which one they fall into.  They fight, oh, how they fight.  And this is the society mindfuck.  Homosexual men desperately want to be Alphas.  Desperately.  Like in a Barney's last sale kind of rushing way.  And yet, inevitably they're not.  This goes all the way back to your social issues, masculinity obsession and inadequacies, manhood issues and inadequacies, Mommy and Daddy issues, manhood issues, blah, blah, blah.  The rest of this is for the men who are mature enough to accept Nature and want to know how to be happy.)

Now we have some reference points for how men can be similarly sexually inclined but have different genetic dispositions that alter how they emotionally relate to sex.

For instance an Alpha would put sex into two distinct categories:

1. Throw Away Fucks/Fuck Buddies/One Night Stands 

2. LTR/Marriage Material Partners;

Betas would have categories of:

1. One Night Stands That Might Turn Into Something More

2. Fuck Buddies Who They Might Want As LTRs

3. LTR Potentials (they might be trying to use sex and dating to get commitment)

4. LTR Partners (who they might have extracurricular sexual activities with others separate from)

Just from that breakdown can you see how so much disparity can occur between Tops and Bottoms (Alphas and Betas)?  There's a multitude of permutations of what sex means to a Beta because estrogen gives access/facility to emotions, particularly around connection, pointedly during sex where oxytoxins, the emotional/sex bonding/intimacy chemical, are released in estrogen based people.  An Alpha is having a One Night Stand and because of the sexual connection, a Beta is having a One Night....with Potential....of maybe an LTR....into an LTR Partner.  Boom!  Miscommunication and judgment.

Now let's consider the elements of Yin and Yang.  How can we use Chinese spiritual philosophy to deal with the desire to be sexual, to be in relationships, and to have the third option of discerning how to communicate about wanting or not wanting, either?

Let's consider the mechanics of homo man sex: a Top is inserting their penis into a Bottom's rectum.  But what's occurring on an energetic level?  A Top, Yang based energy, is inserting---injecting---Yang energy into a receptor, a Yin based, person.  The Tao teaches that homosexual men must consider positioning in relationship to energy, their own, particularly taking responsibility for their energy.  When a Top is having intercourse they are putting in Yang energy and the Bottom is receiving it but like a battery, the energies are compatible when mixed but must be recirculated.  Yin and Yang energy always seek harmony and balance.

An Alpha (Yang) is inserting masculine based energy, power, dominance, assertion, protection, possession, guardianship, envelopment.

A Beta (Yin) is to channel back caring, emotionality, balance, harmony, acceptance, receptivity, love, fun, joy, peace, relaxation.

Okay, so you say, well I can see how an Alpha could insert Yang but how can a Beta recycle or give Yin energy if there is no penetration?  Yin energy might not be simply sexual, it might include massage of an Alpha, drawing a bath for him, fixing him a meal, listening compassionately to him, comforting him.  Yes, are you seeing the place of the feminine principle?  And more importantly are you seeing where the deep disruption of the obsession at only seeking "masculine" men is a level of anxiety driven insanity?

Men, particularly with men, need feminine, Yin energy, present in the relationship (even if the relationship is short term).

Now let's take this a step forward, imagine an Alpha is having sex with lots of accommodating, receptive, Yin based men.   Yang energy going into them---they fuck and then he bounces and leaves never to return.  Who's left with the Yang energy?  The Beta.  But he has no way to lovingly, estrogen based, Yin based way, of repaying, giving, doing his energy back to the Alpha.  He's then left laying or standing there charged with Yang energy and no one left to convert it into Yin energy and give it back to the Alpha.

You can see how this might leave the Beta bereft but say you're honestly an Alpha, you say---so, what, I got mine!

How does the Alpha lose out?  There is no one to "love" him back with their energy.  I'm not using the concept of love in a relationship context but in delightful, loving, caring, cuddling, caring, massaging loving.  The Alpha goes from Beta to Beta yanging but not getting yinned back so he finds the men he may  be sexual with too cloying, too demanding, too emotionally hysterical after the sex.  Now a Beta's reaction may come out as........wait for it....bitchiness, cattiness, passive aggressive resentment.  Are you starting to see your own issues and complaints?  Is the energetic balance or imbalance starting to make sense?

But What If I'm Versatile?  Or I'm Kinda Yang (or Yin)?

All men are kinda Yang, mainly because they possess and have testosterone, which is what made them Yang (male/masculine) to begin with.  The question is how to manage Yang.  And how to manage Yin.  The desire for sexualization whether it is to penetrate or be penetrated is Yang desire based but the Yin fundamental (Beta energy) might be will this man care for me afterwards and what will the caring look like?  In the context of a one night stand it might look like cuddling or staying the night or even prior to direct intercourse, extensive foreplay---loving sexual acts and emotional closure.  An Alpha is looking for something to "do" and a Beta is looking for a way to "be/feel".

But if you're Versatile then what?  Then honestly, you're in the area of Natural Balance.  Mostly because you can do and feel what it is like to be either in the energetic position of Yang, penetrating, protective, giving energy or Yin, receptive, accommodating, caring energy and therefore its easier for you to "do" the energy you are at other or allow it to be done to you without feeling used or smothered.

The question then becomes, what if I like exclusively being a Top or a Bottom---I'm cool with being Yang/Yin or Alpha/Beta without middle ground of Versatility (which the Tao, recognizing all sexualities, hetero and homo, accepts) but I want to still be present.  The answer is simple: understand the Other.    This means being conscious of your desires and your partners' no matter how  extensive or brief th coupling may be.  Negotiate what feels goof for you and what doesn't and extend yourself a bit into the realm of what doesn't.  Penetration doesn't mean a penis, it might mean manual/digit/finger stimulation---this gives a Beta a way to Yang energy penetrate you---but not entirely---and it can be delightful for prostate stimulation.  Allow an Alpha to truly envelop you, to fuck you, to dominate you without trying to passively be in control (of course you get to make boundaries) but trust him, give yourself over to him and afterwards negotiate what worked for you and what didn't.

Sex seen simply through a Yang framework means one of us must win because only the penetrator should be satisfied.

Sex seen through only a Yin framework might suggest too much emotional enmeshment too fast.



Sex seen through the balance of Yin and Yang says that time was what balanced you, this time balances me, let's negotiate next time (somewhere in here in here is also a deep non-individualistic negotiation for sex not being transitory, knowing someone you're having sex with, even if it's only for a short time or non-love).  If you start having sex consciously thinking and feeling about getting off, imagine the possibilities.  Imagine if you were able to express to a partner, "Hey, I'm cool with this because it would really get me off to imagine you doing this to me---is that okay?"  and more importantly, "What can I do to you, without judgment or ridicule to make you feel good and safe with me?"

Suddenly you're having that fantastic sex and connection you're always hearing about or witnessing in movies because you're using the art of communication, with some insight into whether you're Alpha or Beta, and your partner is listening and responding through that context.  Then maybe, just maybe, you're not trying to figure out why you thought you fucked a Bottom/Beta well----but he's so upset. Or you thought you gave yourself completely to a Top/Alpha and he never called back/chose someone else.  Now you can see that you invested too much emotional connection to him or too little and he acted like his hormones and energy has always had him acting in the dance of sex, gender and relationships.

Thank you,

Kyle Phoenix

kylephoenixshow@aol.com

http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Thanks and enjoy! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Time Warner Cable, Verizon Fios or Comcast or the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/