The counter-example I always use is heterosexual relationships. Now some might argue that the use of hetero to illustrate homo is anti-norming as one is not the same and can't be as the other. I disagree. Both relationships are populated by human beings who are the same species. What differs may be the presence of more or less estrogen and testosterone but to lobby for civil rights, to get marriage equality, to receive health care spouse benefits, we're going to have to "normalize" at some point. As a side rant, it's easy want to stay "different" when you've grown up different or as a wise facilitator put it to a group I was in, abnormal people when pushed out of the norm, create abnormal communities (i.e. the gay community) who's rules and mores may not make sense when integrated back into the overall human community.
Which brings me sort of full circle to DL relationships---in a homo abnormal community, shame based relationships are the norm. I can't tell my Mommy about you, you're terrified your boss will see us eating dinner together (because we all know when two men or women are eating together that immediately is a pre-cursor to genital penetration); if I acknowledge you I have to take responsibility for you and all your bills and your crazy family; if my friends knew about you they would----well, explode or at the very least expel me from our little group that is as valuable and impactful as the UN. Have you noticed where the reasoning and excuse lead---general forms of paranoid delusions.
Life Secret: People ain't thinking about you nearly as much as you would like. And even when they are, it's still less than they say.
Human beings have a lot of reality going on, over 90% of their thoughts are about themselves and their immediate concerns, not your crotch and it's shenanigans. Now if you pose the question of the validity or the actions or reactions of your crotch, humans have an opinion---but even then it's generally only about 50% of them really care enough to comment. That percentage may be really loud so it seems like it's a lot of people but it really isn't. This means that half the people aren't think about you at all and the other half aren't thinking about you 90% of the time. Think about that. Stroll through your day pointing out people to yourself and observing---there's another person not thinking about me; oooh, look at that one over there not giving a damn; yup, she definitely doesn't know I exist.Life Secret: Human beings are their own unique universes.
With so much to manage in a personal universe, thinking about the thoughts and actions of others isn't always useful or logical. This brings us back to the emotional reasoning for delusional paranoia---sometimes it's people who are on the margins wanting attention. The most pathetic thing a human being can do is tell you how much attention people are casually paying to them---it's either borderline or definitely a resident of narcissism. People will notice you. Check you out. Glance you over. Wonder where you got those shoes, who did your hair, why your shirt is so bright and then they move on to should they have gravy with the chicken tonight, their left foot hurts, they have to pee, American Idol is coming on soon, they have to call a friend, their kid has a cold and they need to buy some aspirin, bread is more expensive, they're thirsty, the sun sure is bright today, that's a nice car, ooooh, look at that other person.....and so on. Did you see how quickly they flashed from you to their own universe? Yeah, I estimate it's even quicker than that in reality.
When one tries to be DL/Not Out and have a relationship two incongruent realities are occurring---that a lot of us on Earth care what you're doing and with whom and that a relationship can survive that constant paranoid delusional smothering. Smothering? Yes, imagine walking with your parents and your mother introduced you as some kid from around the neighborhood? Or your father introduced your mother as a lady who lives in his building? There would be confusion, hurt feelings and hell to pay. Human beings thrive on inclusion, in fact it's one of the ways we feel loved and appreciated. When we exclude people, we kill them a little bit, especially when we bounce back and forth in intimacy. I loved you down last night but won't stand next to you on the bus. I told you how much I love you secretly in the back room at my house but introduce you after three years to my mother as my co-worker. It's a minimization of one's own humanity (and the others' as well.)
Now I understand that everyone is on the spectrum of their own "outness" and transparency and may have legitimate reasons for trying to negotiate inner knowing with public awareness but what I can tell you is it's like a needle prick---people only care for a second or two then they go on about their grocery list. However when you've grown up feeling self-consciously seen, the words sissy and faggot, casually thrown sticking to you and then internally knowing that people can't see you, like when you go on that prom date with a girl or marry a woman and never tell her about your secret penchant for loving men down...and it continues, you're living a level of cognitive dissonance. Two incongruent realities within a singular reality. It never, ever, ever works out----haven't we had 30 to 40 years of TV talk shows point that out to us? Your spouse finds out, your family always knew, you get outted, your sexuality is so painfully obviously people wonder if you've come full circle you're so out, on and on.
And honestly, isn't it exhausting? Cover stories, changing pronouns, seeing the hurt look or the cold casualness of calling someone your "friend" or the isolation of your relationship existing, because you're a "homebody" (the new code word for SHHHHHHHHHH!), but ultimately stagnating or exploding as that person finds sustenance elsewhere.
Humans take pride in their mates, part of having a mate is showing what you captured, pretty and handsome in your eyes. Seeing the admiration in the eyes of others. The compliments of how nice you look together. The social help your family and friends can give to keep a marriage/relationship together. It's no coincidence that marriage is such a hot button issue because when you think about it a community is coming together to bless a union, to sanctify your love your choices, to celebrate it, to confer new legal rights and privileges due to your responsibility. It's literally one of the ways which humans mature over their lifetimes....exclusion and invisibility being our most childish way of minimizing each other. Is it no surprise that MSM who practice invisibility and exclusion are neurotic, anxiety riddled, susceptible to diseases, dogged out, used by other men, disenchanted with love, bitter at relationships and terrified of their own shadows. When we try to oppose natural human expressions and needs, it never, ever, ever----no, really, ever, works out.Thank you,
Kyle Phoenix
kylephoenixshow@aol.com
http://kylephoenixsite.com/
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Good read. Thank you. I appreciate this!
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