"Don't let me catch you with no ugly boys in polyester and keep doing your crunches, get that booty to bubble. Find your fashion style. Don't make friends with too many mean girls. Is that the captain of the football team? Go say hi. You never know. Are you experimenting with girls ? Do we need to talk about this? This is a dildo this is a flesh light, this is lube, this is a condom. Any questions? Is that the captain of the basketball team? Go say hi. You never know. Lets table the talk on tattoos until you're 18. Ok now if its your jam you want to get to the center of the dance floor, just elbow mofos out the way and then occupy stillness, a light swaying then hit them with bam, boom boom, cha cha and bringing it home, move them hips, pop that pelvis. Is that your new principal? Introduce me, I'll just say hi. You never know. Young man, that comment was rude, you have to learn to keep somethings to yourself, I'm deeply disappointed you would say that to an adult----but as a straight bitch read, you read that trick to filth----don't let that nun come for you! You're going to wear THAT? No, no, no, its up to you.....but the captain of the football team might be there --- that's all I'm saying. First base kiss, second is blowing, third is rimming, a homerun you have your sex kit in your book bag, right? Then enjoy the prom. Ok, now every month I put a little something aside for your wedding or children, a surrogate, adoption fees, your cousin, kidding. But that garment bag over there is my Armani tuxedo and hopefully one day you'll wear it as I walk you down the aisle. And this is real platinum, you can use it as an engagement or wedding ring. Raising children is fun and wonderful but if he's gay and not just temporarily fascinated with dream Barbies and Madonna holograms, you'll do fine, you were the best son I could have ever had. You were also the only one I could afford I told them to give me the runt of the litter who knew that chin cleft was a testicle holder-----ha!, bitch, you didn't see that one coming did you? Teach you to tell the doctor I'm senile. There he is now. Go over, say hi. You never know......"
(This answer originally appeared on my Quora page)