Relationships: Good Enough To Screw But Not Care For, by Kyle Phoenix

Awhile ago I was dating someone, the back and forth of when to meet, how to meet, meeting, common interests, etc. all occurring though we hadn't spent a lot of time together.  I accepted that it had more a sexual life than a relationship possibility but he had enough positive check marks that I was content with that.  Finally after a month or so we got to him inviting me over, I went and there came the moment of the decision of the moment, if you know what I mean.  I'd suspected this is what the invite was for so I came prepared with my Sex Kit-----wait, you don't have a portable Sex Kit?

Having been a teacher for lots of LGBTQQ men and women, particularly of those under 30 I teach (and practice) having a portable Sex Kit.  You can generally find a small leather or plastic pouch, maybe as big as a wallet where you can put in some fun contents.

Sex Kit:

  • Condoms
    • You should have your size of condoms no matter your sexual position preference (hopefully you know your size)
    • You should have a few condoms that are regular and large (because you might not know his size until the moment)
    • I purchase my own brand of condoms for comfort and quality.  People and agencies assert that the free mass produced condoms are just as good.  There's a difference between Gruyere cheese and government processed.  Mass produced generally lacks quality.  In a pinch, free.  In life, you should take the time and money to outfit yourself properly.
    • Dental Dams (you might be a woman or a man, so this is good for cunnilingus or analingus and if you want to use this as a larger condom  so that there isn't as much constriction on the penis but it's designed to stay in place in the anus/sphincter muscles (they're also made out of polyurethane.)  They're expensive, about $5 for one but this is a product that you should seek out and take a few at your local health and sexuality agencies for free.
  • Handi Wipe Packets and napkins, travel lotion, travel mouthwash, toothpaste latex gloves--whatever little personal stuff you might need
  • Lubricant
    • Do you prefer silicone based, oil based, water based, a specially scented or tasting lube?
    • Polyurethane condoms and (female condoms) can be used with water, oil and silicone based lube.  Polyurethane condoms that aren't over sized like the free ones though don't have the elasticity of latex so you really have to buy the right size because it's essential Tupperware but that toughness makes it non-liquid or infection soluble. 
    • Regular latex condoms work with water based but not oil based.  You should assume responsibility for your own safety and comfort.
  • If packed properly it can fit into your jacket pocket, lube comes in flat packets so you can be ready with half a dozen condoms and half a dozen lube packets.

Ok, back to my fine booty call.  There was enough attraction to retire from the living room to the bedroom and some chatting and then the disrobing began.  
Oooh la la.  
Now he was fine.  
I'm going to say this picture isn't him but he was close to this kind of fine.>>>>>>>>  
I was happy and eager  to find out how much more happy I could get with him. 

The price of doing safe sex teaching and work is two fold---one, counselors and testers are one of the highest HIV infected professionals because the reasoning is that they now see so many clients in good health who are HIV+ that they lapse their own safe sex practices and are more sexual from burn out.  Secondly, more positively, is that all the information and strategies are always playing in your head.  When with someone, in order to not make it a clinical moment I try to use language and questions artfully to get answers.  So far he'd been Mr. Safe Sex in presentation so I said to him well I use Magnum condoms, did he happen to have any.  He said no.  I asked what kind he had.  He looked at me like I was a little spacey....and said maybe he had some mass produced NYC condoms in his closet.  There was nudity there was touching, we were on the bed---I realized he didn't intend to have safe sex----just generally speaking

Safe sex in someone's house looks like stuff on the nightstand, under the pillow, within arms reach.  (I once had a stuffed toy with a zipper that I kept on the bed.) If someone tells you, while you're undressed with them, they keep cheap condoms somewhere in a closet---they're not into safe sex.  For me, safe sex isn't simply me protecting myself, it's also a measure of the denial and hypocrisy another man may be going through about his belief about protecting himself from me and taking care of me from him.

When someone cares about you, they remember that you're a separate person than them and it may not be marriage/LTR but they still want to be extensive in their caring of you while with them. 

Now I had my sex kit with me in pocket but that understanding that he was cool with lack of protection also suggested to me not just what he thought of me by implication but also what he thought of himself.  Bluntly, he wasn't a virgin, so he knew the routine, around protection. Honestly, we kind of all do at this point.  And not everyone did what I did.  I got up, undressed, and got dressed explaining that next time we should plan this better so that he have condoms on hand.  Now yes, I had mine and never disclosed that I had mine, but one, he never asked when I asked and two, he shrugged as if some men did this.  There was a little surprise and I think even a little bit of guilt but I got that either he knew his STD status or didn't and didn't care.

So now I was now with a Black man willing to see ill of me, a sexual assaulter if you will, perhaps even I dare say, a cancer, and he was willing to give me one of many STDs, a murderer!!!

Woah, yeah, my concern for my health is that deep.

So I bounced.  Walking up the block thinking maybe I could give myself a little ice cream treat instead but also feeling satisfied, I'm not sure swelling with pride, but satisfied that I'd taken care of myself.  And that I'd walked my talk when I've told people in workshops that you have to be conscious and self-caring enough to get up and walk away when you realize who you're in bed with.

Because some men, even the really, really, really attractive ones, think you're good enough to screw but not good enough for them to, even just basically, take care of.

Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
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  1. Replies
    1. Thank you very much! I hope that this helps men to really think about what they do, why they do it and the ramifications before feelings are hurt and such. Enjoy!

      Kyle Phoenix