Relationships: Good Enough To Screw But Not Care For, by Kyle Phoenix

Awhile ago I was dating someone, the back and forth of when to meet, how to meet, meeting, common interests, etc. all occurring though we hadn't spent a lot of time together.  I accepted that it had more a sexual life than a relationship possibility but he had enough positive check marks that I was content with that.  Finally after a month or so we got to him inviting me over, I went and there came the moment of the decision of the moment, if you know what I mean.  I'd suspected this is what the invite was for so I came prepared with my Sex Kit-----wait, you don't have a portable Sex Kit?

Having been a teacher for lots of LGBTQQ men and women, particularly of those under 30 I teach (and practice) having a portable Sex Kit.  You can generally find a small leather or plastic pouch, maybe as big as a wallet where you can put in some fun contents.

BE PREPARED!

Sex Kit:

• Condoms
• You should have your size of condoms no matter your sexual position preference (hopefully you know your size)
• You should have a few condoms that are regular and large (because you might not know his size until the moment)
• I purchase my own brand of condoms for comfort and quality.  People and agencies assert that the free mass produced condoms are just as good.  There's a difference between Gruyere cheese and government processed.  Mass produced generally lacks quality.  In a pinch, free.  In life, you should take the time and money to outfit yourself properly.
• Dental Dams (you might be a woman or a man, so this is good for cunnilingus or analingus and if you want to use this as a larger condom  so that there isn't as much constriction on the penis but it's designed to stay in place in the anus/sphincter muscles (they're also made out of polyurethane.)  They're expensive, about $5 for one but this is a product that you should seek out and take a few at your local health and sexuality agencies for free.
• Handi Wipe Packets and napkins, travel lotion, travel mouthwash, toothpaste latex gloves--whatever little personal stuff you might need
• Lubricant
• Do you prefer silicone based, oil based, water based, a specially scented or tasting lube?
• Polyurethane condoms and (female condoms) can be used with water, oil and silicone based lube.  Polyurethane condoms that aren't over sized like the free ones though don't have the elasticity of latex so you really have to buy the right size because it's essential Tupperware but that toughness makes it non-liquid or infection soluble. 
• Regular latex condoms work with water based but not oil based.  You should assume responsibility for your own safety and comfort.
• If packed properly it can fit into your jacket pocket, lube comes in flat packets so you can be ready with half a dozen condoms and half a dozen lube packets.

Ok, back to my fine booty call.  There was enough attraction to retire from the living room to the bedroom and some chatting and then the disrobing began.  

Oooh la la.  

Now he was fine.  

I'm going to say this picture isn't him but he was close to this kind of fine.>>>>>>>>  

I was happy and eager  to find out how much more happy I could get with him. 

The price of doing safe sex teaching and work is two fold---one, counselors and testers are one of the highest HIV infected professionals because the reasoning is that they now see so many clients in good health who are HIV+ that they lapse their own safe sex practices and are more sexual from burn out.  Secondly, more positively, is that all the information and strategies are always playing in your head.  When with someone, in order to not make it a clinical moment I try to use language and questions artfully to get answers.  So far he'd been Mr. Safe Sex in presentation so I said to him well I use Magnum condoms, did he happen to have any.  He said no.  I asked what kind he had.  He looked at me like I was a little spacey....and said maybe he had some mass produced NYC condoms in his closet.  There was nudity there was touching, we were on the bed---I realized he didn't intend to have safe sex----just generally speaking

Safe sex in someone's house looks like stuff on the nightstand, under the pillow, within arms reach.  (I once had a stuffed toy with a zipper that I kept on the bed.) If someone tells you, while you're undressed with them, they keep cheap condoms somewhere in a closet---they're not into safe sex.  For me, safe sex isn't simply me protecting myself, it's also a measure of the denial and hypocrisy another man may be going through about his belief about protecting himself from me and taking care of me from him.

When someone cares about you, they remember that you're a separate person than them and it may not be marriage/LTR but they still want to be extensive in their caring of you while with them. 

Now I had my sex kit with me in pocket but that understanding that he was cool with lack of protection also suggested to me not just what he thought of me by implication but also what he thought of himself.  Bluntly, he wasn't a virgin, so he knew the routine, around protection. Honestly, we kind of all do at this point.  And not everyone did what I did.  I got up, undressed, and got dressed explaining that next time we should plan this better so that he have condoms on hand.  Now yes, I had mine and never disclosed that I had mine, but one, he never asked when I asked and two, he shrugged as if some men did this.  There was a little surprise and I think even a little bit of guilt but I got that either he knew his STD status or didn't and didn't care.

So now I was now with a Black man willing to see ill of me, a sexual assaulter if you will, perhaps even I dare say, a cancer, and he was willing to give me one of many STDs, a murderer!!!

Woah, yeah, my concern for my health is that deep.

So I bounced.  Walking up the block thinking maybe I could give myself a little ice cream treat instead but also feeling satisfied, I'm not sure swelling with pride, but satisfied that I'd taken care of myself.  And that I'd walked my talk when I've told people in workshops that you have to be conscious and self-caring enough to get up and walk away when you realize who you're in bed with.

Because some men, even the really, really, really attractive ones, think you're good enough to screw but not good enough for them to, even just basically, take care of.

Enjoy!!!
Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast

Homosexuals as SuperVictims: Beaten, Robbed and Wronged

You know what went wrong.  In fact you know who did it to you.  It was Mommy.  Or Daddy.  Or your siblings.  Or your ex.  Maybe it was White men.  Or bigger yet, society.  Perhaps you've narrowed it down to heterosexual people and their damned attentive resentment towards you.  In fact their resentment is also a level of jealousy---in fact, you've come to believe it's actually envy.  Envy at your lifetsyle, your freedom, the handsome men (or beautiful women) you have torrid affairs with.  Your lack of children.  They've got a massive case of "The Can't Takes" .

Or maybe not.

Maybe, truthfully, it's you.

In order to salvage our precious egoes, humans, pointedly men, particularly homosexual men, will often point the finger outwards rather than inward.  Why?  Growing up constantly hiding an aspect of your identity, constantly deflecting the truth about yourself creates a giant ball of passive aggressive secret shame.  Is it no wonder that MSM are such accomplished liars?  They've been lying for years, to everyone---his momma, his daddy, his best friends, his siblings, his boss, his girlfriends---and then you're shocked, aghast that he lied to you!  Consider this though---integrity, a component of manhood is learned and practiced.  Taking Accountability and Responsibility for one's actions, whether it was one's fault or design (yeah, that trips dudes up) is instrumental to being 100% actualized as a man.  Which is why so many men opt for being masculine, it is literally toilet tissue personality-based-manhood/outer-illusion, compared to iron cast internal character manhood.

But you're jonesing for a man.  Maybe even you have one in mind.  How to navigate someone who's been encultured not to be honest, not to be intimate with you and is perhaps in the chrysalis stage of growth?

Beaten

He dogs you out.  You are the 2am booty call.  He texts you---"Wassup?"  You answer.  Boom!  One hour later you're doing the horizontal Lambada, two hours later he's figuratively or literally, wiping himself off on you or your sheets, taking a shower and bouncing.

Now, you think to yourself: It felt good........sort of.  You agreed to the scenario so how can you feel so dissatisfied?

You've just beaten your spirit up a little.

Let's take it away from the high concept of spirituality and instead leave it at ground level brainwashing by the world.  Your family, friends and tv have all praised the beauty of an initmate relationship.  They've invited you to weddings and squabbled as couples in front of you and told you one day your Prince would come....they didn't mean it the way your Prince has though.  You're unfulfilled but you signed up for it and maybe, worse yet, he's likable as a person.  He just treats you like a twenty four hour McDonald's and later you find out he's met someone "special".  Oh, snap!

Robbed

He took your Stuff.  You thought if you gave him some of your good stuff, that stuff you been saving, that stuff you saw in a movie and thought to yourself---"When the One comes along, I'm gonna do some of that there Stuff to him."  And he came along and you did the Stuff and he left....and...and...that's not how it went in the movie.

You left too much space on your back.  You gave away too much.  And now, you're mad.  You're sad.  You're too much or too little, you're doing drugs or eating too much or at the gym like a maniac or trying to achieve revenge sex by hanging out constantly or working too long and too hard, just to blindside your own damn self from the realization that you were having orgasms, or maybe you weren't, but he definitely was....he was having orgasms while he robbed you.

How to deal with the passive aggressive man who learned to take intimacy and giving and Stuff but not to give/  He feels a sense of entitlement at you satisfying his needs---listening to his baby drama, believing he was too busy at work to call, not being the one you know he was buying gifts for, never been his priority only his long suffering task to complete.  You were robbed and you've discovered that most heinous crimes are never against the law.

Wronged

You sum it up.  You been wronged.  You been hoodwinked.  You been bamboozled.  You been lead astray.  No one can understand your pain because, honestly---most of the people you talk to about it---women---either commiserate or pat your hands and say they been there---inferring they're not there now.  There's a level of pity in your friends voices.  But there's something else, something that you realize is linked to the crimes against your natural nature, in the back of their voices.  You deserved it.  You had it coming.

Your kind can't expect happiness.

Sound familiar?

The value of Accountability and Responsibility, hard iron to carry is that they are delightful material for sword and shield.

I did that.  I called that in.  I accepted less.  That's what Accountability sounds like.  Not beating yourself up---I did it again, I called him, I keep taking less----no, iron lipped proclamation to friends and the sky and birds---I did that.

When we take Accountability for our actions we're telling ourselves and the Universe that we have power, that we are powerful, that in fact we're so powerful sometimes we smack ourselves in the face with our own power.  And once you realize that---you move into---I don't have to do that anymore.  Then we're suddenly dancing with Accountability in the ballroom of Responsibility.

Now the ballroom of Responsibility is a room avoided by passive aggressive shamed based individuals because your way of doing things, which definitely don't work, are familiar.  They are familiar the way only self inflicted pain can ache and ravage but still be comforting to slip into.  Yet when we acknowledge Responsibility---I am capable of making---we suddenly have the funnel for our power.  Suddenly we look at ourselves, our power, our errors, our wins and our sins and we realize---woah, I made this.  Therefore if I have the internal natural nature power of Making and I did that, I made that---I can make anything else that I want.

I did that.
I can make anything I want.

You're no longer Beaten---you was hitting yourself.
You're no longer Robbed---can't take away what you naturally are.
You're no longer Wronged---you decide what you make, good AND bad.


And now you're free of being, acting, or being mistaken for a SuperVictim.

somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff

stealin my shit from me/ dont make it yrs/ makes it stolen/
somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff/ & i waz standin
 there/ lookin at myself/ the whole time 
& it waznt a spirit took my stuff/ waz a man whose 
ego walked round like Rodan’s shadow/ waz a man faster
n my innocence/.....................waz a lover/ i made too much 
room for/ almost run off wit alla my stuff/
& i didnt know i’d give it up so quik/ & the one runnin wit it/
don’t know he got it/ & i’m shoutin this is mine/ & he dont 
know he got it/ my stuff is the anonymous ripped off treasure
 of the year/

ntozake shange. “For coloured girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf” 

Thank you,

Kyle Phoenix

kylephoenixshow@aol.com

http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Thanks and enjoy! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Time Warner Cable, Verizon Fios or Comcast or the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

VideoLOG: Dealing with Depression-Your Eating Habits

Thank you,

Kyle Phoenix

kylephoenixshow@aol.com

http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Face Book or Follow Us on Twitter!  Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

The Condom Myth: One Size Doesn't Fit 75% of the Planet by Kyle Phoenix

Recently, by a well meaning student of mine who now works as a coordinator of a same gender support group, I was offered some condoms.  I'll be general here so as not to incur a lawsuit---we'll call them ABC Condoms.  I politely declined and he was aghast as part of my curriculum with him for years had entailed discussions around condoms not only for protection against sexually transmitted infections but also unintentional pregnancies (don't sleep on it some dudes like the pole and the hole as street slang has it).  I explained to him that I have never used "give away condoms" and never would.  Why not?  he inquired.  Because you get what you pay for and what you pay for might not be good enough.

Again, one of my non-rant rantings where I offer that we must all set a standard for ourselves. that precludes expediency for a level of critical thinking about our needs and personal protection.

What does all that hyperbolic jargon mean?

One, I can afford the comfort, fit and luxury of nicer condoms.  A hamburger from Wendy's is very different from a steak from Morton's and one pays accordingly.  Mass produced condoms are a way of cities and the CDC having action into problems of mass dispersing condoms for safety.  That doesn't mean that they're the best bet in town.  Also we don't talk about the fact that things generated for the masses have to be made cheaply and are to some degree targeted at those in poverty (remembering we're distinguishing poverty as not just lack of financial resources but also social resources (mentors, role models), mental (higher education), motivational (wisdom), etc.) so its a hit and miss attempt by government to curb some problems.

Also as a wonderful aside there is now studies going on as to the sizing of condoms.  The "myth" about Black and Latino men and penis size is grounded in truth mainly around the girth of a penis instead of some massive Mandingo promise.  Because of genetic/racial musculature, culture and health practices male penis size varies by race.  Black and Latino men tend to have (yes, I know there are exceptions---no need to whip them out at this point) more girth to their penises.  Caucasian men tend to not and Asian men tend to have smaller penises in totality.  Nature not me, God not judgment.

However that means that if a culture is dominated by another---say Caucasians in America then when they mass produce something whom will it be designed to fit---the Dominant Culture or the Others?  You guessed it----Caucasian penises are the template for the mass of free/government condoms in America.  However who is more likely to need/be in a form of poverty to have use of the condoms, particularly in urban areas---Black men and Latinos.

The studies now going on suggest that higher HIV/STI infections have to do with Black and Latino men not wanting to wear condoms because they're uncomfortable or tear due to girth.  Suddenly 1 out of 4 Black.Latino men being HIV+ by 25 makes sense.  It's not simply about education its also about not having proper pencils to write with----there's multiple puns in there.

So then what works if one size doesn't fit all?
Practice and like any other form of "clothing" we put on figuring out what your size is.  Interestingly enough women tend to get more sexual education and spend more time working out the vagaries of size and comfortable around things like Tampons and IUDs  because society is more supportive of women literally figuring it out. men though don't know to maybe invest in Magnums, Magnum XLs, Trojan, Ribbed, polyurethane condoms that are in no way latex based.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0032MIBE0/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=B0032MIBE0&linkCode=as2&tag=theomnigroup-20
Next Blog entry: A running list of types of condoms for men.........yeah, it's a big one!


Thank you, I look forward to your emails and comments. And as always check your local listings for The Kyle Phoenix Show broadcast times in NYC. You can always find more information about me, topics and tips on relationships, finance and life strategies on http://kylephoenixsite.com