Kyle Phoenix Books 2018

Kyle Phoenix Books June 2018
Showing posts with label Manhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Manhood. Show all posts

Monday, November 12, 2018

What are some rules to pass on to young men? on The Kyle Phoenix Blog

Kyle Phoenix
Kyle Phoenix, I have written dozens of books, taught thousands of relationship workshops.

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Tuesday, October 30, 2018

What seemingly strange trait will reveal a lot about a person?

What seemingly strange trait will reveal a lot about a person?

 Tell a man no.

This seems weird, I know. But I have learned to discern a man’s character simply tell him no.,
No, you’re not interested in a date. No, you don’t want to have sex with him. No, you don’t agree with his opinion.
Then wait.
It doesn’t have to be snarky or sarcastic just a casual no.
Immediately after that he will either congenially accept your answer but leave it open to returning for more discussion, be friendly, be polite.
Or…
He will call you a lesbian, a bitch, a dyke, a fag, fat, dumb, stupid——he will attack you.
The fragile male ego can’t handle no.
The strong male ego wants you to be your own person, might still want to persuade you but doesn’t need to debase you.
Tell a man no and watch and listen to how he reacts.
Works every time.
ADDENDUM…….
One, everyone assumes that I’m “telling” someone anything. If the blinky box computer so deeply informs your reality, it’s time to turn the blinky box off.
Two, one assumes that I’m telling this specifically to women. I personally, as a man use this with other men too. Men don’t hear other men equally as obtusely as they don’t/ignore women.
Three, manipulation is simply a deft skill—-I am manipulating my body to manipulate the keyboard right now. Life is not a contest of expected fairness nor parity (Men who want immediate social satisfaction often want “fairness”. Fairness is an immature concept that we have to teach children doesn’t exist. Justice does, fairness doesn’t. Here’s a a thing I use with male students who object to reality—-When they say something isn’t fair, I ask them what planet they live on. They say Earth. I point out they don’t live on the planet Fair.).
Communication often requires creating spaces, to gauge safety and character, whether male or female. Have you considered what kind of man, his character, if he can’t take no for an answer? Go down to your local police precinct and ask them how many men didn’t take no for an answer that are in jail?
No is often seen by men as a rejection of their identity and desires, if their sense of self/their ego is fragile to rejection.
Interestingly, which was brought up before, most men who reply to this question in the comments with frustration or disagreement, are having trouble with the overall concept of No being used rather than communicatively suggesting investigating or respecting the No. The implication being that they are the men to whom a No, of this nature, by it’s very design, is designed to weed out: The male over reactors to No.
Lastly, this could be a form of confirmation bias—-a man assuming that Yes is the answer they should receive, based upon past experience. If you say No to them then you’re placing them up against their level of confirmation bias to themselves—-which is of course related to inductive reasoning. The interesting psychological portion is that it’s not that you’re pitting someone against a direct defense as much as against their own historical self.

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Monday, May 6, 2013

The Unknowns of Being a Fatherless Son



"One is never afraid of the unknown; one is afraid of the known coming to an end." 
-- Jiddu Krishnamurti

Growing up without my father was, by far, the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life. His choice to leave before I was born felt like a curse. It was "the unknown" that scared me so much. The unknown things like the why, the how, the what of growing up without him there. As a young child, I never really missed him because I didn't know any better. He just wasn't there, and that was that. My mom and the man she eventually married, the man I call Dad, never left me wanting for anything, but there was nothing they could do to fill that void that was in the shape of the idea of my father.

I was in 8th grade when I began putting things together and asking questions about him. It started with little things: walking down the street wondering what he looked like or if I had walked past him. Unknown. I wondered how he dressed and how he talked. Unknown. What kind of music did he like? What were his favorite movies? Unknown. Those questions ate at me constantly. The more I thought about him, the more I missed him. The more I missed him, the more the unknown scared me.

As I went into high school, the questions became bigger -- and so did the anxiety. Why did he leave? Was I completely unlovable? If I were an amazing kid, would he hear about it and want to be a part of my life? Did he think about me? Did he wonder who I was becoming? The anxiety attacks increased. I had no self esteem. I had a hard time trusting anyone. After all, if your own father can leave you, so can anyone else. Those words haunted me. They repeated in my head like a song stuck on repeat. The older I got, the more I grew angry. How could you leave your son? How could you just pretend he doesn't exist? How could a man just up and leave when he finds out he's going to become a father?

The questions and the anxiety never stopped. I never put the two together, but looking back now there is no doubt the anxiety and the unknown questions about my father were so clearly linked. I reached out to him my sophomore year of high school; I wanted to hear his voice, to know how he spoke, to just say "hi." I looked him up and called, secretly hoping he'd see the error of his ways and just say, "I'm so sorry. Thank you for calling. Lets go grab lunch and talk." Instead I got, "Don't call me again. If you need something go to family court," and then a dial tone. Devastation all over again. In college I happened to run into him and got a similar response, but face to face. Still, my mom never spoke badly about him. She, wisely, let me draw my own conclusions.

Now, a few years after college, I'm finally recognizing just how damaging a father choosing to leave his own son can be. I'm learning how I internalized his choices, as if I had done something wrong. I'm learning that my past -- that idea of my father that I created in my head -- ruled my life and every decision I made. I let fear rule my life. I let control rule my life. I couldn't control him leaving, so I would control everything else in my life. I'm learning that his decision, his choice, the same one he continues to make to this day, is just that: his choice. It has nothing to do with me. He doesn't know me. I can't tell you how many people told me that growing up. I heard them, but I didn't get it. His selfish choice to abandon the life he created is about him, not about me. I've held on to the fear of the unknown for all of my life, and I'm ready to let it go. I have to be okay with not knowing the whys, the hows and the whos. I have to come to terms with the fact that whether he comes back or not, I will be okay. I am worthy. That is what is I know. I am able to handle it. As I'm learning this, I want other fatherless sons to know that you're not alone. Your worth is not based on his choices or anyone else's but your own. So embrace the fear. Challenge the thoughts. Write out the story you've been telling yourself. Question the idea of the father you created in your head. Most importantly, know that no matter what, you too will be okay. You too are worthy and lovable. Only then can you be ready to jump into the unknown; it is the only way to free yourself.

Kyle appears in a two-hour special event "Fatherless Sons" on Oprah's Lifeclass, airing May 5 on OWN.
Enjoy!!!!


Thank you for reading,


Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast
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Sunday, January 27, 2013

5 Easy Ways To Increase Your Manpower



5 Easy Ways To Increase Your Manpower



A testosterone shortage could cost you your life. As if losing muscle mass, bone density, and your sex drive to low T levels wasn't bad enough, new research shows the decline can also increase your risk of prostate cancer, heart disease, and even death. Follow these steps to lift your levels and lengthen your life.
1. Uncover Your Abs

As your waist size goes up, your testosterone goes down. In fact, a 4-point increase in your body mass index, about 30 extra pounds on a 5'10" guy, can accelerate your age-related T decline by 10 years. For a diet that'll help keep your gut in check, try the all-new Men's Health e-book, The Six-Pack Secret. You'll learn how to sculpt rock-solid abs in 4 weeks. We believe it's the most effective muscle-up weight loss program ever.
2. Build Your Biceps

Finnish researchers recently found that men who lifted weights regularly experienced a 49 percent boost in their free testosterone levels. "As you strengthen your muscles, the amount of testosterone your body produces increases," says David Zava, Ph.D., CEO of ZRT Laboratory. You need to push iron only twice a week to see the benefit.
3. Fill Up On Fat

Trimming lard from your diet can help you stay lean, but eliminating all fat can cause your T levels to plummet. A study published in the International Journal of Sports Medicine reveals that men who consumed the most fat also had the highest T levels. To protect your heart and preserve your T, eat foods high in monounsaturated fats, food such as fish and nuts.

4. Push Away From The Bar

Happy hour can wreak havoc on your manly hormones. In a recent Dutch study, men who drank moderate amounts of alcohol daily for 3 weeks experienced a 7 percent decrease in their testosterone levels. Limit your drinking to one or two glasses of beer or wine a night to avoid a drop in T.

5. Stop Stress

Mental or physical stress can quickly depress your T levels. Stress causes cortisol to surge, which "suppresses the body's ability to make testosterone and utilize it within tissues," says Zava. Cardio can be a great tension tamer, unless you overdo it. Injuries and fatigue are signs that your workout is more likely to lower T than raise it.


Enjoy!!!

Thank you for reading,

Kyle Phoenix

Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com

Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012

Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast
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Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Sexuality: Seduction, Part 1 For Power Bottoms, Shifting Tops, and Anxious Versatiles by Kyle Phoenix


Seduction: Power Bottoms, Shifting Tops, and Anxious Versatiles, Part 1 by Kyle Phoenix


The dilemma of the modern day homosexual is the art of courting.  You want to meet a man that you'll have some chemistry with, like and maybe even fall in love with.  But you're both coming from varying skill levels of how to engage.  In fact engage is the wrong word---let's advance the language.  Seduce.  You're trying to seduce a man (and he you.)  First, seduction is knowing that it's not simply getting to the sexual act but the enticement to be intimate, to open one's self to another.  To let your hair down emotionally and be open ad vulnerable to another man.

There has come about the term "Power Bottom", a Bottom who is in some sort of power or controlling position.  And like most things this is both good and bad.  It might be good if you're targeting more shy or reserved men but ironically most Power Bottoms tend to desire an Alpha man, a more assertive man (Side note: assertive is someone being direct; aggressive is hostility or violence---it's amazing how discernment to definition of language changes seduction/emotionality.)  I would offer that the disagreement between the power dynamic of someone wanting an Alpha male and being a Power Bottom means that there's too much testosterone/power involved.  The negotiation of power and control is a big thing in male life, no matter one's sexuality so you ca imagine how looming it is when one's sexuality has a counter projection from society to it from society.  Then you throw in that a man who's a Bottom is always trying to manage the level of physical and emotional vulnerability he might be putting himself in with another man.  Is it no wonder that so many MSM find themselves alone when trying to negotiate seduction.

 What to do?  How to navigate these dynamics?  How to get what you want?

Consider what you want and even more importantly consider that control, power and seduction are all sides of the same triangle but can't always operate at the same time.  Men, no matter their sexuality, have been raised in a society that conveys intense messages about how to be male and more importantly how to be a sexual/romantic male.  However one could challenge in here, that if a man is a Bottom/Beta, he's operating from a position of more emotional/intuitive estrogen based mentality than a man who would be designated an Alpha (a male with more testosterone than estrogen.)  It's important to note though that there are statistically more estrogen Beta males throughout the whole of society, therefore the majority of MSM are Betas as well.  This gives an excellent ability to understand emotions and be more emotionally available..

Seduction is all about intuitively figuring out someone's wants and desires.  Bottoms tend to try and get their needs met first, to be so focused on being fulfilled as a Bottom that they don't realize that another person, a man is present.  Also there's the whole element of manhood/machismo being present---two men are present, but one will have to relax his attachment to being in control.  Lack of control isn't a lack of power.  You can relinquish power and still be in control of yourself, without having to be powerful and controlling of the other man.  Why is this valuable?  Most men, most Alpha men, most Tops aren't looking for a "bossy" Bottom==their desire runs along being ca retaking  and loving and protective.  But if you rush to the power button before he can warm up to get there, then you're in the driver's seat and that leaves no place for him.

Breathe.  You won't die or be destroyed if you don't try to be the power principle.    And truthfully what ends up happening is that Bottoms ultimately feel disappointed in their choices, that disappointment then becomes the Bottom exampling Power how he knows how---verbally/emotionally---so he gets bitchy and sarcastic.  Total turn off to the man he's trying to seduce.  Then the Bottom goes back into himself and feels shameful, resentful and inadequate.  How about starting from a whole different paradigm?  Throw out your mother, divas, television, Twilight and instead think about being an inviting, soft, loving space.  Seduction doesn't involve fixing a man nor "helpfully" pointing out what's wrong.  That's masculine energy competition and vying.  Instead allow him to be who and what he is.  Ironically, so many Bottoms want to be swept away, to be taken, to be devoured....yet they want to set the rules for which way the sweeping happens, the kind of broom, the amount of strands, how to be taken, which direction to be taken facing, the color of the sheets, which pillow should be where, the way they should be devoured, the time of day, the exact look on someone's face, the way their voice should sound, the way the left hand should move and the kinds of finger movement that should occur when the wind blows that way and...and...and...and....can you see why an Alpha/Top would flake out and vanish on you?

I know it sounds counter-intuitive and the real fear is the loss of self, the loss of respect, the loss of control.  In fact with some practice and faith (the faith that you can take care of yourself or say no at any time) allows you to show up seductively, playfully, joyously and enjoy a man.  You'll rail against this, your friends will help you rail against this, your mommy will rail against it too but here's what you should look out for---the guy and Alpha gets up and gives his time, attention, sex and resources to.  And why.....



Next Time: 
Seduction, Part 2 for Shifting Tops: Separation of Sexuality and Expectations

Enjoy!!!
Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast
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Thursday, December 6, 2012

Relationships Are Not 50/50, They're About Manhood by Kyle Phoenix

In response to emails about other TV shows and blogs that ask about relationships and how to balance them.  They'll never be exactly balanced and the desire to have it be 50/50 has more to do with a capitalistic box being forced onto individuals.  You and a partner will not always be comparable in the same areas. One person will make more money, perhaps even doubly so and can't expect the partner making less money to chip in 50% to the rent/mortgage.  A work around to that might be that if someone makes drastically more than the other party is responsible for utilities, cable, food.  Or there might be a time frame where one is in  school or unemployed and that is taken into account for their contribution.  That should mean though that maybe the house is sparkling clean, meals prepared, dry cleaning and laundry done for the other and social obligations managed.

Men tend to assume all men are like them rather than learn how men and women do to evaluate individuals based upon that individual.  Men with men also tend to ignore that a relationship isn't a service being met but a blending of lives to help support and enhance each other.  One of the things I've come to consider in relationships is that my employment must include domestic partner health insurance at only a minor bump in premiums, as well as making provisions for life insurance to be distributed to a partner and other family members without an issue and that requires a level of outness.  Using your money and resources with a  partner means that you can't play closest games any longer because there might have to be a joint bank account where both men (or women) have part of their pay deposited into or making sure that their partner is directly named in a will, as well as their control over a partner in terms of life ending health care.

MSM are able to negate dealing with the complexity of being a true relationship by assuming it's just sex, having dinner together and 50/50 when in fact real relationships in the 21st century demand a realistic eye at blending one's life and resources.  Honestly part of the joy of being a man, a real man is sharing one's resources.  And if you've got a partner who's been there through thick and thin then they too deserve some of the accolades for helping you maintain stability (physically and mentally/emotionally) during all your trials and tribulations.

Not having constant examples for what it looks like to be same gender partnerships/couplehood leaves MSM with more fantasy than reality when it comes to love.  I had to accept that specifically as a Black man I was gradually moving into a salary range that not all Black and Latino men enjoyed and that meant that if I wanted to go with a special someone to shows or restaurants I had to be conscious of offering to treat them and being clear that I was extending a gift to them and there was no quid pro quo involved.  For instance Plataforma Churrascaria is one of my favorite restaurants in Manhattan but it's no fun going there alone (though I have---its THAT good) so when the Plataforma mood hits me every month or so I might invite a new date there; a current paramour; friends or recently I took and adult son for his birthday.

Plataforma is based on the Brazilian delight of multiple kinds of cooked meats (pork, chicken, sausages, steaks, lamb, veal) and fishes/shellfish being brought table side on large skewers.  It's all you can eat based on a card that face up green means more, turned over red side means no more.  Then in the center of the restaurant is an island buffet about a hundred feet in circumference that has all kinds of veggies for salads  soups, sushi, shellfish, antipasto, etc..  While you're handling the buffet you get a checklist card for what hot sides you want for the table---steamed veggies, plantains, mashed potatoes and at the end they come along with a dessert cart that's six feet tall.  It's an experience to go there.  I personally love the variety, that there's a price fixe and that no matter what kinds of people I bring there, there's something to satisfy everyone.  But such variety is expensive, with drinks it can be as much as $100 to $150 per person.  I've been there on average once a month since I found out about it about 10 years ago but not every date/partner I've been with has been able to afford it on their budget.

I, though as a man, think that part of manhood is sharing my bounty with friends, lovers, children and animals lovingly, graciously without expectation of being "paid back" in anyway.  And I do mean anyway.  I've been there on first dates that I've never seen again.  I also like to send people flowers, huge arrangements and plants, cookie platters, cheese baskets and books and music and scarves and candy cane full Xmas cards.  A couple of years ago having moved into a new building I lost my damn mind and made 30 packets of sugar cookies for the every apartment in the building---I got one thank you card back but everyone was always in person nice and pleasant to me.  If I see a sweater or shirt or pair of slacks or coat for a lover or friend or student, I'm cool with picking it up. (I was once talked out of having a BMW on a lover's curb for his birthday with a big red bow on it.)  But I don't expect reciprocation for any of my gifts and I'm in no way thinking that I'm trying to buy someone's affections.  But my education and work history ad skills allow me to have these things to share but should I not share them with people because they can't afford it or have the same level of resources/access that I might?  Would that be loving?

Conversely I will tell you that I've been fortunate enough to have just by accident found myself dating a Broadway producer, a franchise hardware store owner who offered me a house and even a royal prince of the Ottoman Empire (no, really.)  And in those situations I learned to be comfortable with two words: thank you.  With accepting that someone else had more tangible resources and one Christmas I actually had an argument with someone because he was hurt that I hadn't chosen all of the options he'd given me for gifts.  I've only demurred twice, the house offer---it was for me to go to Bard College and I was looking at going elsewhere so it was a great offer but moot; and when the Prince who moved in with me wanted us to get a bigger place....on Park Avenue.  I said no then because we were just starting out and he wasn't sure if he was going to ultimately stay here in America and a $3000 to $5000 a month apartment is only cute when the Prince is on lock down for his share! lol

What I'm trying to convey is that in true manhood sharing is natural, it's one of the ways you can really see a real man.  You can see it in his generosity  his willingness to share what he has and give without reservation.  There are of course boundaries and there are of course people who will try and take advantage of your generosity in even a relationship.  But here's what I can tell you about parasites, they're extremely obvious.  They think you can't see them but you can and parasites never realize that the little thing they've gotten, a nice dinner, some clothing, a nice home to stay in----it's always the tip of the iceberg of what can truly be given to permanently transform a life.  Parasites tend to be consumed with the getting in the short term so most times you don't have to worry about being taken advantage of.  And parasites are only maybe 1 or 2 out of 10 or 100. When a man tells you how much he's concerned about getting hurt and used, he doesn't know how to set boundaries AND be generous.  He can hold it tight to his vest but some of what everyone is looking for in love in generosity.  You might be rocking Scrooge with twenties in your pocket but no one to dance to Silent Night with.  Also I've been on a few different budgets in my lifetime and what I've learned is that $10 today or $100 or even $1000 never broke me for the rest of my life.

Love, or better yet love being a verb, being loving, is about actions and patience and understanding that I might by virtue of my abilities be 70% of the financial in a relationship but you might be 65% of the emotional, the teacher for me to learn how to feel and be intimate in some ways.  Or maybe I'm the 75% brain of what to do with you who instead has 80% of the financial power.  You might be more of an extrovert so you'll have more of the social calender managed than I do and maybe I make sure that those hundred or so Christmas cards I send out a year (I eventually had to slow it down, I was literally spending a weeks pulling it all together! lol) get to your friends and family too.

If we only see a relationship as 50/50 we only get 100.  If we see it instead as multiplying my skills and resources with yours then you have healthcare (worth about $10,000 to $500,000 a year) or I have a nest egg when you pass away or maybe the way I'm shown love is by coming in to your newest food creation every night.  Men quantify resources and 50/50 as unfortunately a commodity or money based system when there are so many other wonderful and larger things that go into a relationship----and those elements can rapidly multiply your joint financial picture faster than two fisting a dollar.


Enjoy!!!
Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast
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Friday, November 9, 2012

1 Minute Tips in Etiquette: Menswear

A man is made by his suit, his professional attire.  Now this doesn't mean that you have to spend thousands to look good.  You have to consider  especially in an economy that is shifting and mercurial,. you need to be on your A game.  Every man should own two suits.  One black and one blue or dark grey.  If you have a Blackberry, an Iphone or a Wii and no suits, you're not ready for the social challenges of life that men, males who have graduated into manhood are prepared for.

Suit Times:

  • Job interviews
  • Dinner dates
  • Weddings
  • Funerals
  • College interviews
  • To make be a good impression (no one has ever been told they were too classy looking)

*Needs and Why?
It is better to show up overdressed and be able to take off your tie and fold it into a pocket square of color (a trick I use when I see I'm in a situation that doesn't call for absolute formality.)  I would submit that Black and Latino males, the horrible number of 70% to 80% of them being brought up by single parents, mothers, don't learn this.  Men teach boys (and other men) how to become men, even down to having half a dozen plain white or black t-shirts and drawers.  Now yes, some women are able to bring up their boys to do so but there is a point where men show each other that you should have 1 pair of plain black and brown shoes.  You need at least 5 dress shirts in white and blue.  After that you can go Jay-Z (notice he shows up differently in business and casual situations) hippity hoppity as you wanna be.  You can rock all kinds of sparkling drag and boho, hobo, hipster, emo style you want.  But like Superman you need a dark tie, a nice red and/or blue one.

*Cleverly, the bolded words above are your shopping list.

Money!  How Much to Spend?
This is what some males use as a a barrier to the truth that in the world you'll need to have this basic wardrobe section as a man.  You can pull it together for $100 or start with a Brioni suit at $10,000.  But a cell phone is about all your set up wardrobe should cost.

Low Budget:
  • 1-2 suits--You can get them at K&G, KMart, Men's Warehouse for $200 to $400.
  • 2 to 5 shirts (I suggest going cotton always) should cost you about $25 to $75 a piece.
  • 3 ties, you can get a basic tie for about $10 a piece.
  • A pack of t-shirts, drawers and three pack of black socks. $20 to $40 bucks.
  • Dress shoes can be $30 for basic black/brown Payless or up to $100 for sturdy get bys.
Medium Budget:
  • 1-2 suits--You can get them at K&G, KMart, Men's Warehouse for $400 to $1000.  Same stores, other racks.
  • 2 to 5 shirts (I suggest going cotton always) should cost you about $100 to $275 a piece.  Over $150 is generally tailor made shirts at stores like Pink or Brooks Brothers.  Quality costs more, but looks better and lasts longer when you take good care of it.
  • 3 ties, you can get a basic tie for about $50 a piece.
  • A pack of t-shirts, drawers and three pairs of black socks. $100 to $200 bucks.
  • Dress shoes can be $100 for basic black/brown up to $400 for well made, full leather good shoes.
Cute Budget (with Tips and Tricks):
  • 1-2 suits--$400.for an Emporio Armani off of EBay.  After undergrad that was how I bought my first Armani.  Saks Armanis start at about $2500 per suit  That's entrance price to Emporio (there are Armani levels).  A truly great Emporio will start at $10,000.  But with EBay and Alibaba, if you regularly scour, you can find several new ones at a half or a third of the retail price.
  • 2 to 5 shirts: $125 to $200 a piece; pay more for shirts and plan buying 1 or two every few months, soon you'll have a killer wardrobe.  Suggestion: buy white, blue and pink first; never go for trendy styles as your foundation---remember the bright neon dress shirts with striped colors and cuffs?  (I bought one on a dare.  I wear it to signal low flying airplanes.)
  • French cuff/Cufflinks.  Once you have your foundation, you can start to vary quality with french cuff shirts.  Then you get into cufflinks--I suggest a couple standard $20 ones simple metal squares or oblongs then start to play with it with gold, silver, platinum, school crests, Booker T. Washington faces.  But if you get fashion fun remember the rest of the jacket and outfit must be so tight that the joie de vive you're showing with Daffy Duck cufflinks is seen as clever and fun, not childish.
  • 3 ties can be as much as $100 a piece.  I have some nice Armani ones.  These are generally silk and then you might need a tie clip or tie pin---again follow cufflink rules (most places that sell one will sell the other that complements)
  • T-shirts, drawers and socks. $20 to $50 bucks for each.  A great suit can apply the wild cufflink rule to socks.
  • Dress shoes $300 for basic black/brown and you want to go classic wingtip or oxford and then get fun.  Same neon striped shirt applies to shoes---trendy huge foot, elongated toes, zippy and visible from two blocks away need to be counterbalanced powerfully by everything else.  Also with good shoes you want to have your backup mediums or even lows.  Sometimes, while teaching I spend a lot of time on my feet so there's less focus on me as being fashionable.  I wear slip ons of some medium shoes with a full suit.  My Ferragamos and Guccis at $400 and up a pair, I save for presentations, interviews, dinners, meeting new associations, etc..
Based on your budget you should have a 1 minute tip sheet to follow but the final addition to this is to get an atelier---it's French for a personal tailor.  When you buy, even off the rack, no size is perfect, therefore no item fits right.  If you spend another $20 taking it to your dry cleaner and investing some tailoring fixes, a suit you want to hold onto a decade or longer, will always fit you perfectly.  If you're just starting out get the jacket a little bigger, which might increase the slacks size, but think about if you'll wear a sweater, a vest or just gain weight as you age.  You can always take in and let out alterations.  Saks and Men's Warehouse have in-house ateliers who will measure you right there and help you out.
 Again, this should be your foundation as a man but it might take you a little time to pull it all together, a few years even based on your budget.  But you can get all the basics for $500.  Having interviewed and hired lots of people: teachers, business people, production assistants, program assistants---I often noticed who dressed well for an interview no matter how smart they were.  And I've had bosses who've tanked men before even talking to them based on their outfits.  Same thing goes for dates.

Most African American and Latino men are smart, capable and hardworking, and with a tweak or two, some training, and a chance, they can succeed but too many of them can't even get onto the field because they haven't been taught since middle school about etiquette and menswear.


Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on FaceBook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast onhttp://kylephoenixsite.com/
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