People are often shocked when they find out that I don’t have a type. Sometimes it makes me wonder what I do that informs the perception that I’m incredibly selective when it comes to dating. Of course, I have my standards but they are far from unrealistic and they’re much more about character than anything else.

Though I can’t list out all of the descriptive words and phrases that would allow others to understand my “type,” I am pretty clear on what my type is not. After spending some time reflecting on past relationships and affairs, I've identified a few behaviors that are sure to drive me away from you.

1. Call and text me excessively. If we met on Saturday night, I should have at least 10 missed calls from you by Sunday afternoon. Feel free to call or text whenever you please and give me no time to respond. Don’t wait for me to invite you into my space just force your way in. If you want me to be a part of your daily life, feel free to treat me like an app you just downloaded on your phone. You’re in control. Getting to know me isn’t a process at all

2. Make our dates three way dates with your phone in the middle. If we’re out at dinner or walking through the park, make sure you have your phone out at all times! Tweet every joke I tell and don’t forget to text your friends incessantly giving them the minute by minute breakdown of everything we’re doing.

3. Tell me everything you can about your ex. Please tell me his name, where he lives, what he does for a living, how you met, and what he said or did that made you fall in love. Tell me about your favorite restaurants and the gifts he bought you for Christmas and your birthday. If that’s not enough, tell me about why you guys broke up and how you’re still feeling about it. Yes, let me know that you’re not over him yet, just so I’ll be clear that when he calls on a lonely night, my ass will be out of the picture. I just can’t wait to meet him!
4. Be overly emotional! Look into my eyes with a deep stalker-like gaze and tell me that you feel like you’ve known me your whole life. Hold my hands and tell me you can feel my heart beating and that it sounds like the voice of God. Text me late at night within 72 hours of us meeting and tell me that you can’t sleep because you’re thinking of our wedding day. Also let me know that you’ve waited your whole life to meet me and can’t imagine being without me. I will feel so safe and secure that I’ll leave my doors and windows unlocked (and my pepper spray at home) when I go out for late night runs.

5. Talk a lot about what you do and what you have. Bachelors! Masters! Doctorate! Oh my!!! Let me come home from a long day of work, get dressed and get back on the train just so I can sit and hear all about your investment portfolio for the next three hours. Tell me all about how you’re the only “successful” person in your family because you’re so blessed and highly favored. Don’t forget to mention how other people just need to work harder if they want to make it. I will graciously join you as you pray for those poor, lazy souls who are grateful to have you as a shining example of what hard work looks like. Don’t forget to show me your latest watch. You know how material things send chills down my spine.

6. Tell me a bald-faced lie. I know you went to college. It’s okay that you forgot the name of the school or what you studied. I also know that your law school is the only one in the country that allows you to take courses like the history of hip hop and culinary arts in the first semester. That’s called being well-rounded. Of course you travel internationally all the time! So what if you don’t have passport? TSA knows who you are boo. You don’t even go through security because you got it like that.

Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
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