When and Why Bad Sex Happens To Good Men by Kyle Phoenix

You're at Screwing Time (leaped right in, didn't I?) perhaps there's no love involved.  In fact let's make it our example that you're not in love, you're just two guys who like each other's rubber parts.  You've met online or in person and now you're at say, his house and the energy is there, the groove is there, the passion is present.

You have an erection; he has an erection.

You start kissing.  His tongue is everywhere.
No, everywhere and not in a good way.
He's licking your face.
Then he starts to finger you, through your pants.
No, wait that's not a finger, that's damn near his whole hand.
Not like in a passionate fisting, well lubed hand way, more like in a "Is he looking for his ATM card?" way.
He's doing too much.
He's trying too much.
You gently move his hand away before he ruins your pants and you hold his face a little, to try to slow him down.
He's fine so you let it go further.

You're naked.

He's really humping your leg.  Aggressively.
Now he's chewing on your nipples.
No, really chewing, like steak chewing.
He's back to the hand fucking again.
You're afraid to top him or bottom for him.
Oh God, he's diving towards your crotch with his mouth wide open!

You're stuck in a bad sex scenario where passion, pleasure and pain are not balanced, like a stereo.

Passion is the feeling, the erotic excitement you feel for someone.  You don't have to know them well to feel these feelings, it's chemical and historical.  Chemical in the sense that you are turned on by them.  It's historical in the sense that a whole bevy of impressions and feelings and images and past sexual encounters are all balled up and coming to the unconscious forefront.  Think of it like your underground pipeline into your sexuality.  Not all of it is conscious but it is fuel.

Pleasure is both historic and situational.  You have a history of things that turn you on, that you like, which is probably part of what got you to meeting this gentleman in the first place.  He's your "type".  He meets your preferences.  Some of that is hopefully fluidic.  By that I mean if you like slim guys (because of that crush on your slim dad or slim guy in high school), you haven't gotten obsessive about it and query guys on if they're exactly 155lbs..  You may be comfortable with a guy who is ten or twenty pounds heavier because you accept that there are other dynamics that fuel your interest and attractions now.

You've been dating this gentleman for awhile, the lights are low, the music is playing---the situation has a romantic, erotic air to it that is fueling a deeper eroticism for you.


Pain comes in many forms, including erotic pain.  Frustration, tension, intensity, doubt---are all forms of emotional pain.  Pinching, slapping, pulling---are all forms of physical pain.  Both sets done in controlled degrees can be wonderful to experience when you and a partner can agree to your needed degree.  It's when we don't have control on the degree that we enter the realm of bad sex.  But the constant crossing of that boundary, that degree is what makes it uncomfortable, painful in a negative way.

Okay, then, how to negotiate bad sex to better sex, especially if you really like him?  It helps if you can figure out who is the Alpha and who is the Beta.

            As you can see from the brief descriptions, an Alpha might frame sex in much more binary ways while a Beta might experience sex more associated to his emotional self and internal desires.  This is crucial to understanding why Tops, Bottoms and Versatiles sometimes have trouble negotiating  what will occur, what has occurred, what they want and why.  My book---Good Men for Men focuses more on the physical pleasuring aspects of sex thatshould lead to emotional satisfaction but it is important that you’re clearwhat context (fun, experimental, dating, long term relationship) you’re havingsex in.  Be clear with yourself.  Try to be clear to sexual partners.  And most importantly experiment; try newthings and positions because there are dozens of ways to enjoy yourself thatyou may have.

You are a man who enjoys having sex with men.  
You’re a Top or maybe you're a Bottom or maybe you're rocking being Versatile and that's wonderful.  
You've been sexual for awhile and you've started to find that there's a common thread through the men you're having relations with.  
The Bottoms seem emotionally crazy and the Tops seem detached from anything but the sexual act….and the Versatiles tend to be more balanced.  
Why is that?  
This is both normal and a condition related to your sexuality or more importantly, it’s a condition related to the genders/sexes involved in your sexuality.  
You want to become more successful as a lover, you want to have more pleasure for yourself and you also want to bring more pleasure to your partner.   First you need to understand some distinct definitions so that when communicating with your sexual partners you can be clear on what is teh act of sex, the physicality of their sex, the gender (emotional/social) feelings and perceptions they have/want and how they articulate they sexuality.


Sex is one’s physicality.  One can be a male sex, female sex or even intersex.  One can decide that they internally don’t feel like the external manifestation of their body, and that would make them a transsexual.

Gender is how one is socialized by parents and society.  You were socially raised male or female.  That’s being engendered.  That engendering assists humans in acting masculine or feminine.  Our bodies sex isn’t always how we socially or personality act.

Sexuality is what you do with your body.  A person can be homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual, pansexual or even omnisexual.  In Westernized cultures there has been a very narrow bandwidth for expression of sexuality for thousands of years.  All of these sexualities have existed but haven’t always been socially acceptable to express or medically possible to achieve.

A man, who is biologically born the male SEX may present as more GENDER fluid---perhaps in not being overly masculine, even a little feminine but that doesn't mean that his SEXUALITY isn't same gender loving in it's intentions and desires.  I often teach MSM in my workshops that big burly men, skinny, waifish men, chubby nerdy guys and suave cool dudes, may all want to bottom, to have a man directly and deeply penetrate them with his fingers, penis or objects but they may all want the same thing in different things, from a different energy perspective.

The big burly guy, in spite of being 350lbs, wants to be swept up and passionately but gently made love to----kind of like Scarlett O'Hara before he goes back to his job as a Corrections Officer.

The skinny waif wants a hardcore bondage scene of force-play that involves lots of nipple toture while he's being penetrated with everything in his drawers, your drawers and the kitchen sink.

The chubby nerdy guy wants slightly vanilla casual sex that is quick on penetration but lingers on oral sex because while he mentally likes the idea of being penetrated, he can't stand the discomfort and the sense of vulnerability with someone he's not in a long term relationship with.

The suave, cool dude wants to give directions and commands and feedback and is excessively verbal about busting out his "manpussy" because in his mind/world that's what a power bottom does.

All bottoms.  All day long.  But their intersection of Sex, Gender and Sexuality are variables that a good sexual partner, even just a casual hook up will have to listen astutely to.  But how do you get to this point.  You ASK.

What do you like?
Get as specific as possible BEFORE sex.
You need to know from the skinny waif to bring extra lube, wash your dildoes and lock the dog up in the other room so he doesn't think the screams are those from murder.
You might also, as the Top or Versatile (or if you're the Bottom, letting the other know) what you can and cannot accomplish.  Big burly needs to understand that your Gone with the Wind fantasy needs a third, Jenny Craig before you can fulfill his internal gender/sexuality fantasy.  He might see you as a tall, dark stranger but gravity and girth see him, your back, and your capabilities in a whole different fashion.

You may also need the space to express to all of the above gentleman what your sexuality looks and feels like for you.  Perhaps you don't want to be the dominate principle/person all the time or the dungeon master of the teacher or the thoroughly used Top (or Bottom.)  The crime of the context of Dominant and Submissive, Top and Bottom sort of puts men in a trap before they can express who they are and be heard for what they enjoy and don't, or even learn it.  If I say I'm a Top the skinny S&M guy may think I get off putting ever larger objects into him or the power bottom thinks I'll like being ordered around if he just breaks me in.  All this has to be negotiated.

When two men get together beyond simply the physicality there is also an emotional and spiritual component and it behooves men who want to have both good lovers and be good lovers to take a moment, and listen, try to intuit and ask where the other person is.  

Let's apply the Chinese concept of chi energy or even more in-depthly, yin and yang, and to the kinds of men you might encounter or might be yourself.  You’ve probably noticed that there are Alpha men (more masculine because of heavier testosterone production in their bodies) and then there are Beta males (due to heavier levels of estrogen production in their bodies).  Alphas being Yang, the masculine principle, mostly Tops, sometimes Versatile and Betas, being Yin, the feminine principle, more so Versatile or mainly Bottoms.  From researching thousands of homosexual men, 15% of homosexual men are Alphas and 85% of homosexual men are Betas.  This is the main reason why there seems to be an overabundance of Bottoms.  

Biologically speaking, there are more Betas, men with higher estrogen on the planet, period.  Scientists believe this comes from Nature's balancing of warriors for protection of the herd being Alphas but Betas being available to parent and not be threatened by their offspring and other males so immediately.  Betas don't have the need to dominate with their energy and sexuality as much as Alphas do.  However as an same gender loving man you might find that what you like to do, your energy, how you appear (from testosterone and estrogen) are vastly different than how men perceive you.  In this respect, men and women have it much easier in that their bodies and socialization suggests who will be the dominant principle (even though this can be different even with opposite sexes.)

Confusing I know.  But once you sit down, take the Alpha Beta test yourself and identify yourself you then become a mini-expert on identifying others and understanding why it works with some men and doesn't with others.  

Homosexual men desperately want to be testosterone laden manly men Alphas.  Desperately.  Biologically most aren’t.  In fact the same statistics roughly hold for heterosexual men as well.  This intense desire to be an Alpha male goes all the way back to social issues, masculinity obsession, manhood issues and inadequacies, Mommy and Daddy issues, and intimacy issues.  That’s a lot to explore and unpack and I’ll probably do so in future works.  This text though is for the rest of you who are mature enough to accept Nature and want to know how to be happy with who and what you are and like being.

You're going to have to embrace your sexuality on another level, a level that includes, looking clearly at your own sexuality and what is both psychological and biological.  By embracing both.  By recognizing that your sexuality, even if it's not heterosexual, is natural, through biology, you're then able to embrace and explore it.  Bad sex stems from a lack of communication with other men as well as yourself.  Answer that and you'll never have bad sex again.

Once we embrace our Sexuality, personally, spiritually, biologically, we're then able to discuss, answer and question with others about what we feel in a Gender concept of ourselves and in a Sex framework of what we want to do with our bodies.  The beauty of same gender loving sex is the amount of variety available.

Good sex(ing) happens when I ask you what you like and YOU KNOW.
And you ask me and I KNOW.

Bad sex happens when I ask you and your answers are only the mechanics of sex ("Stick it in!"  "I like to suck da dick."  "Body contact." ) rather than the diversity that we saw above in the examples.

Take your time.  Talk to men,  Get a little library of relationship and illustrative texts and videos on sexuality together.  Not just porno.  Sex and sexuality shown through the lens of acceptability, interest in a partner's satisfaction and honesty about what each likes.  I guarantee you that from the workshops I've taught sex lives improve 1000%!

Thank you for reading.
Email: kylephoenixshow1@gmail.com
Website: http://kylephoenix.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
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Kyle Phoenix, 2015

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