I think it’s reasonable to expect for a child to co-own their education. I paid for mine entirely but my circumstances were…unique.
I lost almost a year’s worth of credits in my senior year because my freshman year of high school had been in another state. So the HS offered to let me walk for graduation (I’d already bought the ring) and then I would come back in September and take a full day of classes to officially graduate. The other option was a little known (to me) thing called a GED. I opted for the GED. I was working PT, paying half the mortgage and utilities and thoroughly sick of HS. I passed with 4 points from a perfect score.
But that still left that my mother had been laid off from AT&T and had a payout package that was carefully budgeted with my paycheck as she started her business—-which meant there wasn’t any moment for me to go to college. However about a year later she settled a lawsuit and there was plenty of money! I picked out a house in the mountains, we had the co-op in NYC and things seemed good and settled, the question was then which college would I go to. In PA or NY? I went on a trip upstate to Buffalo, literally had a completely sober spiritual experience about “it being the next spiritual move” (it was) and applied there.
My mother had set aside a trust fund for me but because I didn’t go to the school she wanted me to, she snatched it back and spent it on opening a store that closed within 3 months.
Ironically my loans and bills equaled after 5 years exactly what my trust fund would’ve been.
I went on up to Buffalo and it was the next spiritual move and I learned a lot and met and came to love and enjoy some great mentors who took me and my writing to the next level. I also worked 5 jobs at the same time while attending classes until I got sick and the school ratcheted me back to none (I still worked 2 jobs) as I completely bootstrapped my education myself.
Yes, what my mother did was wrong because she did it for control reasons BUT by defying her and going anyway and paying for myself—-I was never beholden to her nor my family for anything. Over the years as they lost all their money, and then wheedled and needled and played passive aggressive games they could never say…”and we paid for your college education.” Nothing that I have built for myself, intellectually, professionally is connected to my family in any way.
My self, literally, I have vocalized since I was a child: I am sovereign unto myself.
That’s a very good thing.
BUT
I have no plans to put my children through such bullshit. I was a dancing B and C grade student because I was constantly worried and stretching and working and double working—-I didn’t go to my first party for almost two years—-someone told me that my showing up at their party was like Madonna showing up because I was popular around campus but seemingly not social beyond it (I was working). Yes, it built resilience and grit and fortitude but it also made me sick one summer, cost me friends and made my education feel like a grind and not the absorption pleasure I wanted to have.
Did I forgive my mother?
Not forgive, but released her from that. Forgiveness being the release of the idea that the past could’ve been any other way. So when she was terminal it was one of things I talked to her about. The selfishness, the control, the attempted pitting of me against my stepfather, their financial irresponsibility and subsequent loss of millions. It had gained them nothing and lead them nowhere and now here she was amputated, obese, unable to move, ill, dying and him not far behind. Dharma comes full circle and I got to watch it as a lesson of how not to treat people, especially my children. She died in pain and misery and so will he and I got a front row seat of what not to do, what not to be with money—-they were my anti-mentors.
When I’d been accepted to Buffalo and was packing up, I went into her bedroom and they were laying in bed and I said that I need a gift or a loan to maybe get a small apartment for myself. I was 21. But I’d been sexually assaulted as a child, and was an only child so I didn’t know if I could handle living in the dorms with suddenly a stranger/roommate. Could she spot me rent and a security deposit for a couple of months?
They laughed at me.
I got it then.
I went and packed as much of my stuff that I could carry. And went to Buffalo. Years later as she lay dying I showed up and stayed for a year, did my duty and told my parents that I was doing it not because they were worth it but because I was a man of integrity and she had never abandoned me; but don’t mistake love and loyalty for liking or approving of either of you. I was also clear that all the pain she was in and drama he created that destroyed their financial lives a second time, they deserved.
My children and grandchildren, I’m working hard now to build a basic trust fund for their higher education, if possible to a Master’s degree (7 years) because as a Black man, with potentially Black offspring, they will need a push, a huge social and educational/professional shove forward—-that is my responsibility as a man, as a parent.
My mother and stepfather repeated slave based thinking in hoarding money and simply spending it until there was none left and they were homeless.
But I’ve also always remembered: God Bless the Child That’s Got His Own.
I will not repeat the selfishness that my mother, stepfather and other family have repeated with their children—-big cars, nice stuff, uneducated children.
Each generation should not have to start at Square One because their parents wouldn’t save some money for 20 years before kids were born and save some more for 20 years until they’re off to school. Yes, they might still have to work, and it’s good for character, but I don’t want them to be as distracted and wearied and worried all the time because I was terrified of what would become of me if one of the spinning plates dropped.
Healthy families then bring that education, that ability back to the family and it re-enhances the family. Education is not simply for a “job”, it’s to improve the family as a whole. But you have to value the family and the individuals more than money to be enhance-able.
#KylePhoenix
This is quite a story. It’s great that you managed to sail through all that and still have enough compassion left for your ailing parents.
Parents must take care of at least part of child’s education, a young adult cannot be expected to take care if themselves and provided for school while they are just starting off .
God bless you! Your kids would be lucky to have some one as sorted as you as their father. More Black men need to become the father they never had, that’s the only way to break the cycle of poverty.
Thank you!
That is awesome you rose up yourself and pushed on and made yourself a success. I think if more kids had the same work ethic and determination as you these country and world would be a better place. That’s awesome. Good job.
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