What are some frustrations that you have with the New York? by Kyle Phoenix

Crowds And Tourists

It is the top reason why, unless there’s a terrorist attack against….classrooms or Barnes & Noble, I will live here long enough…to move. I’ve been fortunate enough to have lived outside of the City in Pennsylvania and commuted for awhile, to have lived upstate and in several other states, to have traveled a lot of the country and internationally. My life plan includes moving perhaps west, definitely internationally, one day. I often look at my checking account and calculate how long I could pay all of my bills off, buy a plane ticket and go to the Caribbean or Fiji, find a job—-counting coconuts or maybe go to Bartender school here for $300 and go down there and make drinks for a year or two. No, I’m serious. Almost 90% of my business I can do from my laptop, it’s just school/teaching that keeps me tied here.

Be happy, even if your running water is a little brown, that there are less people wherever you live.

I have redesigned my entire work/school/life schedule for at least 12–14 years now to be on the off hours of peak rush hour times. The earliest I’ve been due at work was 10 am about a decade ago for 6 months and then we switched it to 2pm to 10pm. Then about 6 years ago I was due in at 11 AM I think to teach a morning class.

Occasionally I am caught in “rush hour” and it is like concentrated madness too me, too many people, too many people who can only perceive their cell phones, too much noise, too many fucking tourists—-yeah, I said it (I’m debating making a video for my TV show about all of the insane tourist shit I see), too many competing cultural ontologies, epistemologies, methodologies and ideologies about reality. Particularly while driving.

Too many assholes, ASSHOLES, saying the word LIKE. LIKE. LIKE. LIKE. LIKE. LIKE. LIKE.LIKE. LIKE. LIKE.LIKE. LIKE. LIKE.LIKE. LIKE. LIKE. Due to the fact that they don’t have any WORDS to explain what they MEAN not what the object, experience, person was LIKE.

I often sit in a seething silence when trapped next to one of these LIKE monsters and I will hold out my hand and finger count off how many times they say LIKE. Occasionally someone across from me will catch on and laugh.

Heat. I am not a heat/summer person. I went to Nassau, Bahamas for 10 days and spent the first 2 in the hotel room, sleeping contentedly with the A/C up high and would journey out at 10pm for gourmet dinners. It took days for me to get to the beach. And I like the beach. But I hate the heat. So crowds WITH heat. Oh, I’m ready to go Terminator. I try to meditate, relax, relate,breathe, calm myself, play my music (did I mention that in crowds there’s always so brain surgeon who will see you with not just earbuds on but I have large headphones because I use them for work and personal listening and come over and ask ME, me, among dozens of ear naked folk for information.

I have now graduated to yelling, in a completely oblivious way: “I can’t hear you. I have these headphone on. The headphones are playing music too loud for me to hear you.!” We then get to have a staring moment as I smile brightly, helpfully. Two can play the idiot game. I also resent the implication of hi, Kyle, STOP what you’re doing and remove your headphones, put down your book and attend to me a STRANGER.

I have asked people when I was both headphoned and reading a book on the train/bus—-”What makes you think you have the right to just interrupt people who are clearly COMPLETELY occupied with something else? Why won’t you ask some of the others on here?”

This is America! Trust me, I’m one of only a handful of people with headphones AND a BOOK.

Tourists

I have been trampled on, stepped on, shoved pushed and had what I can only hope was white colored spittle dribbled, dripped, splashed onto my arms and legs and face. I have had one or two explosions—-yes, again tourists (something happened—-it’s me, I include traveling to midtown more than I used to) where I have been shoved aside by tourists to get that all important shot of a lamppost.

I politely asked: “Have you lost your fucking mind? Where the fuck were you raised that you would shove someone aside for a goddamn picture? Don't you understand I’m one of the nice New Yorkers? The rest of them are hair trigger from violence. You need to pull your manners together!”

The tourist replied: “You don’t need to use that kind of language with us.”

I replied: "When you put your hands on me, be happy it’s all language and not me kicking your fucking ass!”

Tourist replied: “We’re not from here!”

I replied. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. Well since you’re not from here, you need to get your fuckity manners in order because I’ll kick your fucking ass, you dumb fucks! Oh, by the way, fucking welcome to New York. ”