All humans practice OCD it's to what degree. I tend to survey my area by spinning around, its only in recent years that I've noticed I circle once or twice, like a dog and then mark completion and move on. In my teens/twenties I used to recite the mantra "I don't want to die" during problems during the day and even as a meditation to fall asleep. When I took note of the intention of the mantra and the contradictory nature, I consciously stopped. I notice now that if I'm worried while laying down, I rock myself gently to self soothe.
All of the above are normal though repetitive and changeable. Insanity would entail not being aware, able to control or change the behaviors. Mentally ill people can see themselves doing stuff but can't bridge to control. Like I know it's natural in life and in mourning (my mother died last year) to be almost spontaneously sad or irritable but I can self reflect and change my mood or ride it out, but I do know it's a ride that ends regularly. That depression is natural and will be present for awhile.
Anxiety is much the same when I awfulize events or conflicts in my head. One of the things I do is I run through the chain what could happen and the worse case scenario. He or she can't take me in the parking and shoot me in the back of my head. He or she could spontaneously fire me though so internally and in conversation I language my reaction---"ok, bye.". Because jobs end by firing or quitting and i would survive as I always have and prosper better than every last position.
Once being laid off my supervisor was crying as I was packing up my desk and I admonished her for all her Christianness, she lacked faith. The God in my life/understanding has always got me.
I offer this because I firmly believe, having through both physical and mental turmoil, that we can go insane or a close approximate. What moves us out is seeing ourselves as stepping from moment to moment but always stepping, moving forward.
I had a vision of my mother's death in 2001 and lived in anxiety with it, as she was self destructive for another 14 years. But the last two years I spent with her as she lay dying and I accepted it, faced it, acknowledged my fear and pain. She worried about what happened after death was terrified, ironic for a pastor, and then got around to what would happen to me. I told her if you die on a Tuesday, I will get up Wednesday morning. The imperative, Tj prime directive of being alive is to do, yo move, to try. The war of depression and anxiety to the point of madness is to not do productively, to wallow, to not see ahead/plan something. That's insanity not simply arms flailing and sputtering nonsense, it's staying stuck.
So now you know you're stuck. What are you going to do to get out?
I dont know isn't an answer.
Whatever the fuck it takes, is the answer. Because your existence is the proof that countless bits and pieces, people and lands, minerals and matter have conspired for you to exist.
I dont know isn't an answer.
Whatever the fuck it takes, is the answer. Because your existence is the proof that countless bits and pieces, people and lands, minerals and matter have conspired for you to exist.
Time to move to the next moment....and then the next....
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