The Unknowns of Being a Fatherless Son

"One is never afraid of the unknown; one is afraid of the known coming to an end." 

-- Jiddu Krishnamurti

Growing up without my father was, by far, the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life. His choice to leave before I was born felt like a curse. It was "the unknown" that scared me so much. The unknown things like the why, the how, the what of growing up without him there. As a young child, I never really missed him because I didn't know any better. He just wasn't there, and that was that. My mom and the man she eventually married, the man I call Dad, never left me wanting for anything, but there was nothing they could do to fill that void that was in the shape of the idea of my father.

I was in 8th grade when I began putting things together and asking questions about him. It started with little things: walking down the street wondering what he looked like or if I had walked past him. Unknown. I wondered how he dressed and how he talked. Unknown. What kind of music did he like? What were his favorite movies? Unknown. Those questions ate at me constantly. The more I thought about him, the more I missed him. The more I missed him, the more the unknown scared me.

As I went into high school, the questions became bigger -- and so did the anxiety. Why did he leave? Was I completely unlovable? If I were an amazing kid, would he hear about it and want to be a part of my life? Did he think about me? Did he wonder who I was becoming? The anxiety attacks increased. I had no self esteem. I had a hard time trusting anyone. After all, if your own father can leave you, so can anyone else. Those words haunted me. They repeated in my head like a song stuck on repeat. The older I got, the more I grew angry. How could you leave your son? How could you just pretend he doesn't exist? How could a man just up and leave when he finds out he's going to become a father?

The questions and the anxiety never stopped. I never put the two together, but looking back now there is no doubt the anxiety and the unknown questions about my father were so clearly linked. I reached out to him my sophomore year of high school; I wanted to hear his voice, to know how he spoke, to just say "hi." I looked him up and called, secretly hoping he'd see the error of his ways and just say, "I'm so sorry. Thank you for calling. Lets go grab lunch and talk." Instead I got, "Don't call me again. If you need something go to family court," and then a dial tone. Devastation all over again. In college I happened to run into him and got a similar response, but face to face. Still, my mom never spoke badly about him. She, wisely, let me draw my own conclusions.

Now, a few years after college, I'm finally recognizing just how damaging a father choosing to leave his own son can be. I'm learning how I internalized his choices, as if I had done something wrong. I'm learning that my past -- that idea of my father that I created in my head -- ruled my life and every decision I made. I let fear rule my life. I let control rule my life. I couldn't control him leaving, so I would control everything else in my life. I'm learning that his decision, his choice, the same one he continues to make to this day, is just that: his choice. It has nothing to do with me. He doesn't know me. I can't tell you how many people told me that growing up. I heard them, but I didn't get it. His selfish choice to abandon the life he created is about him, not about me. I've held on to the fear of the unknown for all of my life, and I'm ready to let it go. I have to be okay with not knowing the whys, the hows and the whos. I have to come to terms with the fact that whether he comes back or not, I will be okay. I am worthy. That is what is I know. I am able to handle it. As I'm learning this, I want other fatherless sons to know that you're not alone. Your worth is not based on his choices or anyone else's but your own. So embrace the fear. Challenge the thoughts. Write out the story you've been telling yourself. Question the idea of the father you created in your head. Most importantly, know that no matter what, you too will be okay. You too are worthy and lovable. Only then can you be ready to jump into the unknown; it is the only way to free yourself.

Kyle appears in a two-hour special event "Fatherless Sons" on Oprah's Lifeclass, airing May 5 on OWN.

Enjoy!!!!


Thank you for reading,


Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast

George Lucas: Hollywood Didn't Want to Fund My Film Because of Its Black Cast

After Jar-Jar Binks, it's hard to not to give George Lucas' new film, Red Tails, the side-eye. The movie is a World War II-era action flick based on the Tuskegee Airmen, the heroic and decorated pilots who were the first black service members to fly combat missions at a time when black Americans were not recognized as full citizens in the United States, despite their willingness to fight and die in its defense.

In an interview with The Daily Show's Jon Stewart on Monday night, Lucas was frank about the trouble he had getting the film made—in part, he said, because the studios weren't willing to finance a film without a white protagonist as an anchor.

"This has been held up for release since 1942, since it was shot; I've been trying to get released ever since," Lucas joked—although he did say that the film took about 23 years to develop. "It's because it's an all-black movie. There's no major white roles in it at all…I showed it to all of them and they said, 'Nooooo. We don't know how to market a movie like this.'" Lucas goes on to explain that major studios don't believe films with majority black casts do well in foreign markets. Lucas was unbowed, telling Stewart that "we do want to do a prequel and a sequel," which I take as a measure of how excited and proud about Red TailsLucas actually is. Bonus exuberance: "This is the closest you'll ever get to Episode Seven." Here's the video:


Lucas' explanation of how difficult it is for films with mostly black casts (let alone black directors) was one of my major frustrations watching Pariah, director Dee Rees' excellent coming-of-age film about a black lesbian teenager in Brooklyn. It wasn't just that the movie was good, it was that lingering social attitudes about race make such films far rarer than they should be, in part because of the way they skew economic incentives for major studios. Lucas gets a little big for his britches when he disses the 1989 Civil War epic Glory by describing it as a film where "you have a lot of white officers running these guys into cannon fodder," implying that in comparison to the Massachusetts 54th Regiment the Tuskegee Airmen were "real heroes."


The derision here is unnecessary and unwarranted; the men of the 54th were certainly heroes, and though it is hard to imagine, were fighting to preserve a nation that thought even less of them than it did of the Tuskegee Airmen. Also, there's maybe a 0.0001 percent chance thatRed Tails is actually a better movie, though Lucas' point about Hollywood's aversion to making films that don't center around white protagonists is well taken. The issue here is as political as it is economic—the white protagonists' role in mostly black films is generally to act as a redemptive vehicle for the white audience, allowing them to believe that in another place, at another time, they would have been just as righteous. Whether we're talking about the men of the 54th or Capt. Robert Gould Shaw, we are speaking of a kind of courage that is present in vanishingly few people. It is however, a conceit that studios seem to view as necessary to fill seats.


After watching Lucas' interview with Stewart, I'm more likely to see the movie than before. It's hard to forget the galactic coonery of Jar-Jar Binks. On the other hand, one of the screenwriters for Red Tails is Aaron McGruder, the writer behind the newspaper comic strip turned TV show The Boondocks. When the Star Wars prequels were first released, McGruder justifiably blasted Lucas over Jar-Jar from the perspective of a Star Wars fan. Lucas then hired him to write a movie. It's not quite enough to get me to forgive him for ruining the original Star Wars trilogy, but it's enough to get me to want to see Red Tails.

Adam Serwer is a reporter at the Washington, DC, bureau of Mother Jones. For more of his stories, click here. You can also follow him on Twitter. Email tips and insights to aserwer [at] motherjones [dot] com. RSS | TWITTER


Thank you for reading,

Kyle Phoenix

Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com

Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012

Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

"The Loving Story": How an Interracial Couple Changed a Nation By Kate Sheppard

A new doc tells the story of a Supreme Court case that legalized once-taboo marriages 45 years ago.

—By Kate Sheppard


| Mon Feb. 13, 2012 4:00 AM PST

The most striking thing about Mildred and Richard Loving is that they never wanted to be known. They didn't want to change history or face down racism. They just wanted to come home to Virginia to be near their families. The Lovings weren't radicals. They were just two people in love—one of them a taciturn white guy described by one of their lawyers as a "redneck," the other a sweet, soft-spoken young woman of black and American Indian ancestry.


When the The Loving Story makes its national debut on HBO on Valentine's Day, it will be the first time many Americans have met this couple. They are the namesake of the landmark 1967 Supreme Court case that struck down the anti-miscegenation laws still on the books in 16 states some 13 years after school segregation was deemed unconstitutional. These laws constituted one of the last formal vestiges of the Jim Crow era, and this film shows for the first time what it took to bring them down.


Even as they changed America, the Lovings were never a household name. After getting married in Washington, DC, in June 1958, they simply returned to their home in Central Point, Virginia. Mildred was unaware, she said, of her state's "Racial Integrity Act," a 1924 law forbidding interracial marriage—although she later added that she thought her husband knew about it but didn't figure they'd be persecuted.

Just over a month after the Lovings' homecoming, police raided their place at 2 a.m., arrested the couple, and threw them in jail. Leon Bazile, a judge for the Caroline County Circuit Court, convicted them on felony charges. "Almighty God created the races white, black, yellow, malay, and red, and he placed them on separate continents," the judge wrote. "The fact that he separated the races shows that he did not intend for the races to mix."


Bazile agreed to suspend their one-year prison sentences if they would leave the state. So the Lovings opted to live in exile in the nation's capital—90 miles from their hometown but a world away from their old rural life.

In 1963, after five years of sneaking back and forth to visit their families, Mildred wrote to Attorney General Robert Kennedy asking for help. Kennedy referred her to the American Civil Liberties Union, which put two young attorneys on the case. In The Loving Story, director/producer Nancy Buirski includes fascinating behind-the-scenes footage of the couple's strategy sessions with their attorneys, talking about what to do if they are rearrested.

Asked by his lawyer whether he he had anything to say to the Supreme Court, Richard replied: "Tell the court I love my wife."

But more enlightening is the extensive, high-quality archival video and photography of the Lovings just being a family at home. The film opens with an extended scene of Mildred helping their daughter, Peggy, put on her socks and shoes. There's Richard—a square-jawed, crew-cut bricklayer—mowing the lawn or relaxing on the couch with the kids. Particularly striking is a Life magazine photo of Mildred standing on their stoop, the screen door flung open to greet her husband. Richard, dressed in jeans and a work shirt, has his back to the camera. His arm rests on Mildred's hip and the light shines on her face, making it appear angelic—which is perhaps how he was seeing her then.

The Lovings had no idea they were going to change America. Nor did they particularly want the role—"I wasn't involved with the civil rights movement," Mildred explains at one point. "We were trying to get back to Virginia. That was our goal." It wasn't until 1967, when the case went to the Supreme Court, that they seemed to realize it was about more than just them.

Even so, the Lovings didn't come to Washington to hear the oral arguments. They preferred to stay home. When their lawyer, Bernard Cohen, asked Richard whether he had anything to say to the justices, he replied simply: "Tell the court I love my wife, and it's just unfair that I can't live with her in Virginia."

In a poll of Mississippi voters last April, nearly half of the registered Republicans said they thought interracial marriage should be outlawed.

Much has changed in the past 45 years. Then again, much hasn't. Alabama didn't get around to repealing its anti-miscegenation law until 2000. Just three years ago, a Louisiana justice of the peace refused to marry a white woman to a black man, citing concern that their marriage wouldn't last and their children would "suffer." (This was among the same arguments the Virginia attorney general once used in the Loving case.) In a poll of Mississippi voters last April, nearly half of the registered Republicans said they thought interracial marriage should be illegal.

Most Americans are okay with black-white marriage—a national poll this past September found that a record number approved. But 14 percent of us still don't. What's more, these marriages are still quite rare. As of 2009, only 550,000 married couples in the US—fewer than 1 percent—consisted of a black spouse and a white spouse.

These couples are also relatively rare in mainstream media—or at least realistic representations of them. Guess Who's Coming to Dinner debuted nationally the same year the Supreme Court handed down the Loving decision. And while the film pushed boundaries with its subject matter, it revolved around the mere existence of an interracial couple as opposed to their relationship.

More recently, interracial marriage has been portrayed as shocking and sexual (1991's Jungle Fever or 2001's Monster's Ball). Or as a punch line—see the 2005 remake of GWCTD with Ashton Kutcher as the unexpected guest. Sometimes race is treated as an insurmountable obstacle (as in 1991's Mississippi Masala). Sometimes it is simply ignored (2009's Away We Go).


Speaking as one half of an interracial couple, I find the latter approach most common these days. "A world where interracial couples almost never discuss race doesn't feel real," concursTampa Bay Times media columnist Eric Deggans, a black man who has been married to a white woman for two decades, in a recent NPR commentary. "It feels like avoidance."


At one point, a TSA agent separated me from my partner, directing him to go stand with his "family"—a group of black people we'd never met.


Indeed, in real-world interracial relationships, race is impossible to ignore. Sure, it's not something we think about when there are dishes to wash, bills to pay, anniversaries to celebrate, nephews and nieces to play with. But it's always lurking on the sidelines. For one, we'll never go on vacation in Mississippi. And there was that time a TSA agent separated us during an airport screening, directing my partner to go stand with his "family"—a group of black people we'd never met—while sending me to stand on the other side.


None of this, obviously, compares with what the Lovings faced on a daily basis. I can't fathom what they dealt with. But there are still fears: What if people assume our kids aren't mine? What if we don't do a good enough job teaching our kids to appreciate all aspects of their heritage? What if I say something embarrassing in front of my husband's family? And what do we do when our families say things that embarrass us?


The most compelling aspect of The Loving Story, ultimately, is the normalcy of the life it depicts—the normalcy this family was fighting for. If anything, I was hoping it would provide even more personal insight into the family. For while there are interviews with daughter Peggy and some family friends, Richard and Mildred are no longer with us—and one of their two sons has also died.

Even so, this story about the Lovings' courage and determination is enough to make viewers care deeply about a legal decision—a decision that has particular resonance today, given the ongoing battle for marriage rights for same-sex couples. If a documentary can inspire us to look past the politics and punditry to recognize the humanity of the people our laws demonize, then it has certainly done the nation a service.

Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

HOW TO LOSE A GUY (OR ME) IN 10 DAYS OR LESS BY DYMIR ARTHUR

People are often shocked when they find out that I don’t have a type. Sometimes it makes me wonder what I do that informs the perception that I’m incredibly selective when it comes to dating. Of course, I have my standards but they are far from unrealistic and they’re much more about character than anything else.

Though I can’t list out all of the descriptive words and phrases that would allow others to understand my “type,” I am pretty clear on what my type is not. After spending some time reflecting on past relationships and affairs, I've identified a few behaviors that are sure to drive me away from you.

1. Call and text me excessively. If we met on Saturday night, I should have at least 10 missed calls from you by Sunday afternoon. Feel free to call or text whenever you please and give me no time to respond. Don’t wait for me to invite you into my space just force your way in. If you want me to be a part of your daily life, feel free to treat me like an app you just downloaded on your phone. You’re in control. Getting to know me isn’t a process at all

2. Make our dates three way dates with your phone in the middle. If we’re out at dinner or walking through the park, make sure you have your phone out at all times! Tweet every joke I tell and don’t forget to text your friends incessantly giving them the minute by minute breakdown of everything we’re doing.

3. Tell me everything you can about your ex. Please tell me his name, where he lives, what he does for a living, how you met, and what he said or did that made you fall in love. Tell me about your favorite restaurants and the gifts he bought you for Christmas and your birthday. If that’s not enough, tell me about why you guys broke up and how you’re still feeling about it. Yes, let me know that you’re not over him yet, just so I’ll be clear that when he calls on a lonely night, my ass will be out of the picture. I just can’t wait to meet him!

4. Be overly emotional! Look into my eyes with a deep stalker-like gaze and tell me that you feel like you’ve known me your whole life. Hold my hands and tell me you can feel my heart beating and that it sounds like the voice of God. Text me late at night within 72 hours of us meeting and tell me that you can’t sleep because you’re thinking of our wedding day. Also let me know that you’ve waited your whole life to meet me and can’t imagine being without me. I will feel so safe and secure that I’ll leave my doors and windows unlocked (and my pepper spray at home) when I go out for late night runs.

5. Talk a lot about what you do and what you have. Bachelors! Masters! Doctorate! Oh my!!! Let me come home from a long day of work, get dressed and get back on the train just so I can sit and hear all about your investment portfolio for the next three hours. Tell me all about how you’re the only “successful” person in your family because you’re so blessed and highly favored. Don’t forget to mention how other people just need to work harder if they want to make it. I will graciously join you as you pray for those poor, lazy souls who are grateful to have you as a shining example of what hard work looks like. Don’t forget to show me your latest watch. You know how material things send chills down my spine.

6. Tell me a bald-faced lie. I know you went to college. It’s okay that you forgot the name of the school or what you studied. I also know that your law school is the only one in the country that allows you to take courses like the history of hip hop and culinary arts in the first semester. That’s called being well-rounded. Of course you travel internationally all the time! So what if you don’t have passport? TSA knows who you are boo. You don’t even go through security because you got it like that.

Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Strange Fruit Indeed by Gregory Drayton

I can remember hearing those haunting tones of Billie Holiday ringing in my ears as a child. Her beautiful voice proclaims the southern trees bare strange fruit. Through the dusty speakers on my dresser plastered with bumper stickers, she sang that song over and over. It wasn't until many years later I learned that the fruit she was singing about was nothing close to what I thought she was singing. The audio has gotten better, the song is remastered and in digital formats far removed from that 11 year old boy could have imagined was possible, but those words now have a much darker meaning. Those black bodies swinging are not so abstract and meaningless anymore.

I was a child of the 80s. There was lots of Michael Jackson, Prince, and Tina Turner. Music videos sparkled with lots of glitter. I had a great childhood. There was no struggle or strife, no real racial ah ha moment. I look back believing that my life was never touched by racism or anything socially ugly. Still having tremendous faith In the human condition, I was nieve and happy. Today's racism is not so obvious, but does that make it any better? People seen to think that because the president is black that the struggle is over. They may not say that, but more or less behave as though it is. It's getting better. Though getting better means that congress is in eternal gridlock. Getting better means the Tea Party Republicans and other right wing groups have more clout than ever. We all know Obama was the first black president, but did we know he'd be the first president to be called a lier at his State of The Union address? I truly believe there are bad actors in our very government that dont want him to succeed.



So how far are we from slavery and those strange fruit? Master is no more, but we are now seeing the last gasp of the former ruling class as they hide under pointless and senseless positions. On one hand yelling less government and then trying to tell us what to do with our bodies. They call him the food stamp president, say he's giving out favors to his friends, accuse him of not being an American and somehow we're not supposed to say that's racist? Somewhere in the dark recesses of my mind I want them to stan as a unified party and all in concert say nigger go home and be done with it. Now decades removed from hearing that song, back when I didn't know the meaning to now, fully understanding it, I realized how much I've come to understand through living. Yes racism exist and is alive and well. From slaves to Presidents we're getting there.








GREGORY DRAYTON
Male Media Mind 

k,

Did Cornel West Go Too Far -- Again?

After his "blackface" quip, maybe he'll learn to make his critiques more constructive and less offensive.

By: Zerlina Maxwell | Posted: November 14, 2012 at 12:52 AM



Cornel West (Karen Bleier/AFP)


(The Root) -- Professor Cornel West has struck again. The always outspoken Obama critic recently said in an interview with Democracy Now: "I think that it's morally obscene and spiritually profane to spend $6 billion on an election, $2 billion on a presidential election, and not have any serious discussion -- poverty; trade unions being pushed against the wall, dealing with stagnating and declining wages when profits are still up and the 1 percent are doing very well; no talk about drones dropping bombs on innocent people ... I mean, I'm glad there was not a right-wing takeover, but we end up with a Republican, a Rockefeller Republican in blackface, with Barack Obama, so that our struggle with regard to poverty intensifies."

Putting aside the substance in West's comments, since there are certainly valid and substantive policy critiques to be made of the Obama administration, it is completely unnecessary for him to attack the president in such a racialized and offensive manner. Any good points he made are lost.

This isn't the first time that the Princeton and Union Theological Seminary professor has attacked the president as a person instead of sticking to policy. West has previously called the president a "black mascot of Wall Street oligarchs and a black puppet of corporate plutocrats." West and his partner Tavis Smiley (they have a public-radio show together, Smiley & West), also an outspoken Obama critic, have failed, time and again, to keep their critiques focused on policy when commenting on the shortcomings of the Obama administration.

High-profile black intellectuals who dared to support the president in public are not immune from the wrath of West and Smiley, either. The Rev. Al Sharpton, Melissa Harris-Perry and Michael Eric Dyson are "for sale" for access to Obama, according to West. This an interesting choice of words, considering Smiley's history with corporate sponsors including Wells Fargo and Exxon Mobil.




Perhaps, with a second Obama win, West and Smiley feel their influence diminishing within the black community, which supported the re-election of President Obama with even higher turnout than in 2008 in key states, despite criticism. President Obama has been elected and re-elected, and the old guard of black political thought is becoming more and more marginalized as a result. No longer does a black politician need to be ordained by Smiley or grace the stage of his (now-canceled) State of the Black Union speech-a-thon to be considered a contender for high office.

There are legitimate critiques of the president and serious issues to tackle during his second term. The challenge for Obama critics is to point out areas that absolutely need to be addressed -- high black unemployment and, yes, poverty -- without attacking the president as a man. With pride continuing to cloud their critiques of President Obama, West and Smiley have failed to do this time and again. It seems that they are facing a future in the black-intellectual wilderness over the next four years.

Let's hope that during Obama's next term, we can all work together to push the president and his administration to make big changes (or at least use his bully pulpit to talk about big changes, since the balance of power in Congress is unchanged) that will benefit the lives of the millions who voted for him. Offering constructive criticism and applying public pressure that is intended to assist the president rather than undermine him is a much more effective strategy going forward. Maybe more high-profile black thinkers will take note.

Zerlina Maxwell is a political analyst and contributing writer for Ebony.com, theGrio.com and Feministing.com. She writes about national politics, candidates and specific policy and culture issues, including domestic violence, sexual assault, victim blaming and gender inequality. Follow her on Twitter.

The Root aims to foster and advance conversations about issues relevant to the black Diaspora by presenting a variety of opinions from all perspectives, whether or not those opinions are shared by our editorial staff.

Enjoy!!!

Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast

I Found One Drop: Can I Be Black Now? By Jenée Desmond-Harris

Race Manners: Time for a racial gut check. Has your African-American ancestor really changed anything?
By: Jenée Desmond-Harris | Posted: May 1, 2013 at 12:17 AM







(The Root) --

"I recently availed myself of my university's online resources and did some genealogical digging about my white conservative family. It turns out that one of our ancestors was an African-American slave who passed as white. His is an incredibly powerful story about a dark chapter in our nation's history, and I believe that it is important that his suffering be remembered. I thought that my family would also be excited about this new information, but instead the responses ranged from rejection to contempt.






"Despite that, I've embraced this revelation and started to study African-American history. I'm proud to be part black and want to learn as much as I can about this part of me, but here's my quandary: Do I check on forms that I am both Caucasian and African American? I technically qualify, according to the Office of Management and Budget definition, which states that ' "Black or African American" refers to a person having origins in any of the Black racial groups of Africa,' but I don't look black and didn't grow up in African-American culture.

"Do I check both, and come across as a liar to those who don't know my history? Or do I check just white, and feel like a self-loathing racist (just like my family)?" --Suddenly African American


First, I congratulate you on developing a perspective different from that of your relatives, who sound horrible. If everyone thought as seriously as you do about his or her public and private statements about race, we'd all be better off.

Second, breathe. No, seriously. Calm down and set the forms aside for now. There are options other than "liar" and "self-loathing racist." You don't have to be either.

Let's put your question in perspective, and see whether there's a different one you should be asking instead. (Spoiler alert: Yes.)

Identity Is Complicated -- Welcome to Being American

Your ancestral discovery is new to you, but you're not the first person with an extended family tree that's more complicated than meets the eye.

23andme.com researchers told The Root that the average African American is 22 percent European and that "3 percent to 4 percent of people likely to consider themselves as all 'white' have some African ancestry -- between 0.5 percent and percent." So, while having a person or two in your lineage who doesn't mirror the way you identify yourself isn't as common for people who identify as white, it's certainly not something with which Americans haven't grappled (or chosen not to grapple with) before.


Race Is Messy. This Is Up to You

On that note, I can't give you a rule about whether you should check the "black" box. I know! That's the whole reason you wrote. Sorry to disappoint.


But here's why. As David J. Leonard, chair of the department of critical culture, gender and race studies at Washington State University at Pullam, put it, your question "points to a belief that race is real, rather than a social construction." And that's just not the case. (See this explanation, which probably should be a permanent Race Manners footnote. In short: Race is not based on biology but rather on ever-changing, lumped-together groups created pretty messily by humans.)

So, even your super-official government definition (to say nothing of the old "one-drop rule" that preceded it) leaves some wiggle room about what's really meant by "black."

I asked Ulli K. Ryder, scholar-in-residence at Brown University, who studies identity formation and communication, about your query, and she said, "The most important thing is for her to do what feels right for her."

So, good news: You can do what you want. Bad news: You can only control your perception of yourself, not how others perceive you.



Let's Be Honest -- This Discovery Hasn't Changed Your Life

What feels right? How do you perceive yourself?

I actually think you already know.

First, I disagree that it's significant that you don't "look black" or didn't grow "in black culture." There aren't working definitions for either of those descriptors. Talk about that with the people of Pike County, Ohio, who strongly identify as African American despite the fact that many would say they look white; or our first black president, who was raised by his white mother and grew up in Hawaii and Indonesia.

But what I do think matters is whether your discovery has changed anything about your life. Racialization happens through personal interactions, treatment and institutions. You were racialized as white, and that remains the case. You say you're proud to be "part" African American, but it seems to me the way we approach "Am I black?" is a little like how we might evaluate "Am I in love?" In other words, the "maybe" implied by your sending me this question probably means "no."


One important note: Your private choice doesn't affect others, but the box you check on those university forms will. If I'm right about how you see yourself, checking the "black" box there could be misleading. It could, as Leonard put it, "provide a mirage of diversity" that would have the opposite of your intended racism-combating effect.

What's Really Going On?



Maybe the dilemma -- which I'm reading between the lines of your letter -- is not to figure out if your whiteness has changed as the result of your discovery, but to become more comfortable with it without the fear of being racist or "self-loathing."

"This may include continuing to research African-American history, but may also include examining white privilege and the ways she may benefit from her whiteness even as she embraces this long-forgotten ancestor," said Ryder. Leonard suggests that instead of focusing on the box, you "start at home and not only check how your family responds to this history, but the costs and consequences of their racism outside their family."

In other words, it's great to acknowledge your ancestor as an important element of your history, but the real challenge will be to make sense of your personal and family identity in the broader context of race in this country. Sadly, there's no form for that.

Need race-related advice? Send your questions to racemanners@theroot.com.

Previously in Race Manners: "Should a Dinner Guest Call Out Racist Jokes?"

The Root's staff writer, Jenée Desmond-Harris, covers the intersection of race with news, politics and culture. She wants to talk about the complicated ways in which ethnicity, color and identity arise in your personal life -- and provide perspective on the ethics and etiquette surrounding race in a changing America. Follow her on Twitter.


Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
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