Why are most Black men gay or transgender? by Kyle Phoenix

The Interrelatedness of Ontology, Epistemology, and Methodology

It seems on the surface that this question is specious and without logical merit. But it’s not. Often people notice patterns but don’t have enough supporting time and/or facts to substantiate the question. So the question looks outlandish.

This question isn’t outlandish. Instead it’s so close to the target-point, that I wrote a book about it. And having written 100+ books in the past decade, it, Tranny, is one of my Top 3 bestsellers. I arrived at the premise of the book from two separate but interrelated themes in my personal and professional life.

Growing Up

Growing up I had several friends, from middle school, through post-graduate studies, who were trans and Black. It didn’t much matter to me, being omnisexual myself, what they were or the progression of their identities/sexuality. One of my inherent beliefs is the freedom of identity of the individual and its’ expression, as long as it is not intended to harm others.

Michael, from middle school and high school, was Michael . Then the first year of college, after living in the dorms as Michael , switched up and became Michelle. Michelle’s parents were not having this, neither set—-mother nor father/stepmother, so my mother took Michelle in for the summer break. Michelle was in transition. Now transition is an interesting time for anyone being non-binary/trans as they try to shed/change their habitualized societal.

For instance, being a Black male, Michael went from a fade, like below:

to relaxing his hair, growing it out and styling it in a more feminine way.

The problem was the interim time of growing it out—-say about 2 years—-and a bad dye job that could only be rectified by letting the hair continue to grow out. Similar to below but think—-hot mess.

More like this:

The transitional process/time is often fraught with missteps and gradual advancements.

The clothing is seemingly easier—-but even there Michelle got help from my mother’s concern for my safety. My mothers' point was that we lived in Prospect Park/Flatbush Brooklyn and that Michelle and I would regularly, for work and fun, go back and forth to Manhattan, on the subway. Michelle being—halvsies—-male/female presenting in transition—-would immediately out us both, attract unwanted attention, and potentially, violence. Michelle had to pick a side and commit to it for personal safety reasons. Luckily my mother was running a side business through Undercover Wear and eventually started a modeling business, so she had lots of lingerie, underwear, and daytime/luxury clothing for men and women of all sizes.

My mothers' point (the truth) was that though you feel something inside and we have all changed our pronouns when describing you—-the world sees this confusion/multiple gender presentation. You have to codify yourself for safety.

This was 20 years ago and Michelle was kind of playing along the lines of a younger RuPaul:

While Avant Garde, punk and suitable for night clubbing at progressive/gay clubs, it wasn’t work/travel appropriate for NY. I don’t want you to think my mother was all P-FLAG about Michelle or me, but she was pragmatic. By her death time, my mother had gotten about 90% to acceptance, but I had to do serious tough love with her. She did though intercede to Michelle’s parents, talking to them at length about her acceptance issues of me, which eventually mended their relationship, so that Michelle could go back home.

But in retrospect, I think this was a level of discordance for Michelle, however back then, emerging into adulthood and independence, I didn’t have the insight and professional training to understand Michelle’s dissonance.

Michelle’s Dissonance

Michelle came from an extremely dysfunctional background.

Her parents had divorced when Michael was a child, after a tumultuous, violent marriage. Her father was emotionally distant and her biological mother was downright cold, angry, mean. The first time I met her, at 13 years old, I remember looking at her as I walked away from the house—-she was standing glaring at me, arms folded, skin pitch black—-and I thought she was evil. She reminded me of Darth Vader, and of two other people I’d met in my lifetime, who were confirmed as evil.

(One a relative, who went to prison for a variety of crimes; the second, later, I was sitting on a ticket-violation in jail for a few days in the middle of the night, a prisoner was put into the cell next tome. His presence woke me out of a slumber, screaming and tumbling to the floor. I demanded to know in the morning what the fuck was in the cell next to me? Eventually the guards explained the slim man with long stringy hair, who tried to chat me up, was in because he and his wife regularly kidnapped boys and girls, locked them in a closet, whored them out to men, and then killed them. They’d finally been caught. But because he was so reviled, they had to move him secretly at night from cell block to cell block, for his own safety—-from the prisoners and the guards. “Shaitan.” I thought.)

Michael’s mother regularly beat him for minor infractions, kept him a virtual prisoner (I had walked him home to explain that day to her that we were late leaving school due to some sort of class meeting—-I doubt it saved him from a beating. Very oppressive and vicious towards Michael as an outlet towards his father who had happily remarried a nice nurse who was accepting of Michael and had another child a girl (more on that dissonance inducer compounded to Michael, later.))

Michael’s father eventually rescued him as a teenager from his biological mother and moved him out to the suburbs with his new family into a ranch style house——but his father was a notorious philanderer (with yet another family outside of the country) and homo/transphobe, not speaking to Michael when he began to transition, for years. He was also pointedly cruel and dismissive of me as Michael’s best friend, assuming, wrongly, that I had influenced Michael, or that we were having some sort of clandestine affair (we never were) and I never could have influenced someone’s sexuality. My mothers' acceptance was further “proof” against me/us about, corrupting Michael.

Sexual Abuse and Parenting Styles

Michael had also been severely and regularly sexually abused by a neighbor, which isn’t uncommon for only children or children who are non-heterosexual. Michael was slight in frame, shy, introverted, a nerd from distracted/disinterested parents. I too had been sexually abused by cousins but in my teens, working out my sexuality, had several layers of counseling—-

• we did family therapy when my parents divorced at 13;
• my parents attended AA and NA meetings and my mother dragged me along for year; but it was soft therapy/insight into emotional management before addiction, by addicts telling their stories;
• I had a school counselor in high school for years who referred me to an LGBT youth group—-
• and in going to the youth group in Manhattan at the LGBT Center, I discovered an Incest Anonymous group that I attended for two years.
• And to top it all off, my mother was a psychology major in college, Baruch, so she had a more advanced perspective on people, including myself and diversity, than the average Black woman.
• My father went to Pace college, studying political science, so he too had a more advance perception/experience of people and the world. Which meant I grew up in a Black household, which middle class educated Black people, who weren’t as mired in culture or the Black Church to regulating what should, could or shouldn’t be.

Michael had none of this. I was able to see the sexual abuse in my childhood as abhorrent and separate from my sexuality. I was also able to get feedback and counseling on that and my sexuality. Michael got none of this. The closest Michael came, even through college, was knowing me. I also had strong willed, extroverted, progressive parents who encouraged individuality I themselves—-being the youngest of their siblings and more educated/worldly—-so I was pushed to be less conservative.

Us, In College

In college, I joined a student Incest Anonymous group, had a full counseling and psych work up when I got ill one year, with mandated outlines for managing stress and returning to school full time, being independent——living on my own at 23 in a 1 bedroom, working 5 jobs to pay for school, and being a full time student. I note all of this, not as glorification in comparison but to illustrate how and why Michael and I were different, having some of the same issues—-non-heterosexuality, sexual abuse in childhood, divorced/dysfunctional parents—-and on top of it Michael, being light skinned had distinct racial-colorism issues from all of his parents and younger sister being noticeably darker—-so Michael stood out in society, and in family pictures as the “other”.

Having been out in night clubs that summer, Michelle lived with my mother and I, was fun and instructive for me. The same for Michael, but differently. I could understand and explore and date ( I had done so before this—-young women and men) so I wasn’t simply “advanced” but more mature about my sexuality, and tacitly, supported in it, by my family. Michael expressed disturbingly, constantly how the sexual abuse as a child was the best penetrative sex he—-then she—-had ever had.

In college, again I dated, had affairs, went out, fell in love thrice, and was Out. But I focused on my scholarship, around writing, not only being my sexuality in form, ability or even my writing, I also became the first undergraduate TA at a SUNY, so I directly had mentors in writing/teaching (having had several in high school.) I was Out in personal, social, political ways, but I also included my academic works, my writing, race-cultural issues and hobbies; I was grounded in my identity experience. I also made it a point not to be exclusively present or evident in spaces in college, or life, as my sexuality; Michael used his a a faux fame to distract-attract attention and ultimately had the entire SUNY system at bay as they feared expelling a 1.5 GPA student because they were trans. Michael did 7 years at SUNY and finally left at my prodding, with no degree,

Michelle having come out by simply straightening hair and wearing feminine clothing, couldn’t transfer dorm rooms—-so Michelle was still housed with two other males. Anyone who has lived in a dorm, I lived a building over, knows that there is nothing else for young students to talk about than one another. Michelle strolling down the hallways in mini-skirts, high heels, flaming hair and full—-extremely full make-up—-became a cause célèbre.

It’s important to note that as I moved on, a decade+ of our friendship, not only did I have a stronger support system and specific, clinical counseling, and though I was Out and even did open forum workshops with Michael, my identity wasn’t my sexuality, nor was it my cultural background-race. I wasn’t intentionally different but I was healthily different than Michael.

• Sex is the biological assignation one gets at birth; there are 21 possibilities—-ranging form absolute female to absolute male, intersex folk in there.
• Sexuality is how one expresses sexual interest mentally, emotionally and externally.
• Gender is how we present based upon the societal rules and those rules around our biological sex. But it is malleable and a choice, which isn’t concrete.

Though, yes, biological male sex, I identify my sexuality as omnisexuality, having had a breadth of experiences and attractions, and though I present as male gendered, there are elements to my emotional self and personality/choices that include the feminine. I like boots. 90% men’s boots, but I like a good heel on a boot or a shoe. I like a very comfortable, extravagant bed/bedding—-lots of soft pillows and comforters, and always 100% silk or high thread count, cottons. My personal space often includes lots of mixed masculinized and feminine art and decorations including the whimsical. My clothing is yes, masculine—I adore a good Emporio Armani suit, Egyptian cotton shirt and silk tie, but I experiment with the styles, shirt qualities, for years now wearing French cuffed shirts, good socks, silk socks, even appreciating stockings. There are slight feminine things I incorporate to my physicality/space because of some of my emotional attunement and perceptions being feminine.

As an example, a family friend, had a daughter who was attending a school in Buffalo, so she drove us from Pennsylvania to there, and we went to a psychic fair In PA. Driving along, late at night, talking, chatting, listening to one another, on long stretches of highway, she really started sharing deep things, personal things, even biological menstruation things, and then she caught herself after an hour and said: “It’s like I’m talking to another woman with you, I forgot myself.” I told her it was normal, it has happened to me my entire life in spite of my being (now) 6′1, 250lbs, a large Black man. (Which yes, several psychics brought up at the psychic fair.)

Michael shared, suspecting that I too was trans, but I said no, I’m simply me. I also had the benefit of from my late teens, formally studying to support my own spiritual ideas, A Course in Miracles—-I don’t believe in the body, time, space or death. Which though it can sound whoo-whoo is how I so casually accept people, including Michael. But again, in hindsight, I see how this was problematic for Michael.

Michael was an abysmal college student, maintaining a strong 1.5 GPA, having been a straight A student in high school and that first year of college, but as I came to observe then and later in others, trans folk tend to overidentify with their identity.

• By the above I mean that I am Kyle—-or at least that’s what this body-consciousness answers to (today. lol) I have spiritual beliefs, I politically am a registered Independent (you have to earn my vote, I don’t sit on guaranteed bloc vote teams). I am comfortable with the blending of my masculine and feminine “sides”, elements, interests without shame or guilt. I don't believe in race—I think it is a social construct that is projected/taught/imbued to everyone and we in a variety of ways ascribe to it for power and survival. I acknowledge it the way you acknowledge the TV is a roaring dragon in a mental asylum—-so the nutty others won’t attack you for disagreeing with their pronounced mental illness-projections.
• I have been related biologically to many now and for generations past, but I don’t hold even that as sacrosanct to override my morals and values about how to treat people. The cousins who abused me, in their lack of apologizing to me, trying to make restitution—-though one apologized to my mother—-and not me—-are the equivalent of “dead” to me.
• I am intelligent, inquisitive, curious, love new ideas from all kinds of people, places and things. Which informs my Life’s Purpose—-of writing, which has expanded into teaching and even hosting my own TV show for the past 15 years. I’ve written over a hundred books, thousands of short stories, thousands of articles and blogs as an expression of my mind-soul perception and creativity, and I’ve got maybe three times more inside to get out.
• I love to cook and eat and will try anything—-living or dead, at least once.
• I love to dance and music and art, and to read a great many kinds of forms and languages and ideas.
• I like people, mostly. I understand people even the ones I don’t like and vehemently disagree with the values and morals of. I know explicitly what I would kill or die for, and have been in the positions to ask and answer those questions to action.
• I value above all else freedom. My own and the others of others that doesn’t involve the harming of others, unless they are impeding that freedom. I know that Ideology + Liberation=Power.
• I believe in assisting, teaching, helping others to advance to their highest form and manifestation.
• I’m happy like 98% of the time and manage it when I’m not. I believe in managing negativity and toxicity not running from it. I can look into the abyss. And I have.
• Oh, and I’m omnisexual.
• omnisexual (adjective)-involving or characterized by diverse forms of sexuality; attracted to more than one gender.

Michelle inner self/core identity was:

• TRANSSEXUALITY-The “sex” of a person is usually identified by external genitalia and/or sex chromosomes. Transsexuality occurs when the gender identity is opposite to the sex. Sexual orientation refers to the sex to which an individual is sexually or romantically attracted.
• Body Dysmorphia

1. Signs and symptoms of body dysmorphic disorder include:
2. Being extremely preoccupied with a perceived flaw in appearance that to others can't be seen or appears minor
3. Strong belief that you have a defect in your appearance that makes you ugly or deformed
4. Belief that others take special notice of your appearance in a negative way or mock you
5. Engaging in behaviors aimed at fixing or hiding the perceived flaw that are difficult to resist or control, such as frequently checking the mirror, grooming or skin picking
6. Attempting to hide perceived flaws with styling, makeup or clothes
7. Constantly comparing your appearance with others
8. Frequently seeking reassurance about your appearance from others
9. Having perfectionist tendencies
10. Seeking cosmetic procedures with little satisfaction
11. Avoiding social situations

Preoccupation with your appearance and excessive thoughts and repetitive behaviors can be unwanted, difficult to control and so time-consuming that they can cause major distress or problems in your social life, work, school or other areas of functioning.

You may excessively focus over one or more parts of your body. The bodily feature that you focus on may change over time. The most common features people tend to fixate about include:

• Face, such as nose, complexion, wrinkles, acne and other blemishes
• Hair, such as appearance, thinning and baldness
• Skin and vein appearance
• Breast size
• Muscle size and tone
• Genitalia

A preoccupation with your body build being too small or not muscular enough (muscle dysmorphia) occurs almost exclusively in males.

Insight about body dysmorphic disorder varies. You may recognize that your beliefs about your perceived flaws may be excessive or not be true, or think that they probably are true, or be absolutely convinced that they're true. The more convinced you are of your beliefs, the more distress and disruption you may experience in your life.

The recommended treatment is:

Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental health condition in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that appears minor or can't be seen by others. But you may feel so embarrassed, ashamed and anxious that you may avoid many social situations.

When you have body dysmorphic disorder, you intensely focus on your appearance and body image, repeatedly checking the mirror, grooming or seeking reassurance, sometimes for many hours each day. Your perceived flaw and the repetitive behaviors cause you significant distress and impact your ability to function in your daily life.

You may seek out numerous cosmetic procedures to try to "fix" your perceived flaw. Afterward, you may feel temporary satisfaction or a reduction in your distress, but often the anxiety returns and you may resume searching for other ways to fix your perceived flaw.

Treatment of body dysmorphic disorder may include cognitive behavioral therapy and medication.

Shame and embarrassment about your appearance may keep you from seeking treatment for body dysmorphic disorder. But if you have any signs or symptoms, see your health care provider or a mental health professional.

Body dysmorphic disorder usually doesn't get better on its own. If left untreated, it may get worse over time, leading to anxiety, extensive medical bills, severe depression, and even suicidal thoughts and behavior.

• from the Mayo Clinic
• LIGHT SKINNED (but Michael avoided Black people, the Black Students, Blackness, Black studies, etc.) once deeply misunderstanding what a group of us, Black, were talking about. We were talking about Nella Larsen’s book Passing—having read it for a class. We remarked that Michelle couldn’t pass. Michelle flipped out going on and on about how guys liked her, about her clothing, about her weight, about taking illegal hormone shots—-Michelle went on for 10 minutes about being able to “pass”. We then pointed out we were talking about racially, from the book, from the class that we all shared (even with Michelle; Michelle had not read the book and dropped the class) and we got insight to the fact that for Michelle transsexuality was at the forefront of her every self reflection. She often told people she was mixed—-her parents and grandparents dark as Hershey bars—-the idea that she was light because of a distant great-great grandfather, that she was Latina, Afro-Latina—-anything to get away from Blackness.
• MEN-Michelle was beyond boy crazy but in a very stunted, non-sexual action way. Michelle had a reputation for years at the college-dorms, of sitting for hours on end with not one, not two not three, not four, not five, but 6 different young men (I met them all) as sort of a crush, holding hostage of them in an attempt to be romantic/sexual. But here’s the truth—-nothing happened. Ever, with the 6 of them. Michelle dressing like a harlot couldn’t consummate intimacy-sex with the targets of her affection. She eventually dated a young man for several months and he did genuinely like her, was fine with her being pre-op, and we had long assured her that a man like him, bisexual, would be the prime target for her —-and not the supposedly straight men she was doing sit ins at. Though 5 of the 6 young men eventually came out as homosexual to me and others—-their issue with Michelle was universal—-they weren’t heterosexual nor initially, bisexual—-though they dated girls, but the more they came to terms with themselves and then Out—-the less attractive they found the female presenting Michelle. Irony.
• VANITY-as my mother had run a fashion business, often dozens of models', practicing and styling and doing photo shoots at our large apartment, I was accustomed to fashion/vanity-excess. But Michelle was out of control. In many ways make up, to the point of looking like Kabuki, hair products, skin creams, everything you could think of, multiplied by a factor of 10x, was Michelle’s hobby/obsession. Several times she broke down when one would see or point out cracks or issues that she was trying to construct something. Years later other trans “friends” of Michelle gave her a hair weave and sewed in so much hair (yes, a foot high—-Michele already being 6 feet tall)that Michelle looked like:

That pretty much covered it, everything related back to those 4 areas and Michelle chose friends based upon their investment in the above. I was an x-factor friend having known Michelle as Michael, but I openly told her that at some point she would conspire to get rid of me, as I witnessed her get rid of Black friends, Black female friends (competition), White obese girls (she literally went through FOUR obese White female bestie friends in college—-like she was heatseeking them out); if Michelle liked him—-he was probably gay, all the while sort of soft blackmailing the state school not to expel, the piteous transsexual. Michelle actually freaked out a little when she found out there was another transsexual on campus who was unclockable, if you didn't know. Competition.

Post College

After college, probably because I was an only child moving back to the city, in spite of no support, anti-support, in some ways, my own dysfunction pressed me to stay friends with Michelle. Like a dysfunctional sibling, she was the manifestation of my own family issues. I got us a huge apartment based on my credit and big salary, and then helped her temp for more than the $10 an hour she was making after leaving college, no degree, after 7 years, to live with her father and stepmother.

In college, I had distanced myself twice from Michelle because she was so much, refusing to do counseling services, seeing a hormones' prescribing psychiatrist once, then buying hormones on the black market—-never dealing with any of her mounting issues.

Michelle’s Sex Life/Sexuality

It was while living together—-I think without the inherent structures of school or her parents, Michelle went batshit. Diligently working to survive, making well over $40k a year with full health benefits after a year, Michelle could’ve afforded psychiatric, counseling, and medical services, but instead opted to double down on her 4 Focuses.

Eventually she was inviting street vagrants, men, upstairs to our apartment at night to “draw” them naked. Or asking the 7 train conductor to come home with her (he was married) and they left the front door open—-I had $10,000 worth of my job's tech equipment sitting, exposed in the dining room. They wouldn't come out of the bedroom when I knocked on her door—-they’d left the front door open in their passionate frenzy—-to get to her bedroom where she performed fellatio on him but he demurred on touching her in any way.

I challenged her eventually with all of her stunted sexual encounters——different men along the spectrum of gay-bi-skoliosexual——willing to get blown, fuck her, but not touch or kiss her—-had she considered what it meant—-energetically——to be so intimately engaged sexually with a human but to her own admission, never have an orgasm or release-ejaculation? (One of the effects of testoerone lowering artificial hormones and estrogen increasing ones is a shrinking of the penis, less sexual “motivation”.) So Michelle was in many ways a mouth/hole for the pleasure of others.

And then eventually Michelle had a breakdown 2 years into our 3 year lease, about when I’d left college, months before her, and went to work in Pennsylvania, before returning to NY. The separation was too much for her. Though my stuff was in her basement and she knew I was coming back, she went home, leaving my stuff to be picked through. (Yes, I was a better friend to Michelle than Michelle was to me.)

I took Marianne Williamson's advice about when you’re in an insane situation, with an insane person, it’s not just them, it’s you too. Get into therapy within 24 hours. I did so. And Elizabeth, my therapist, cleared me the fuck up about boundaries, taking care of dysfunctional people, and how I was caretaking a deeply disturbed person. It turned out that Michelle had stopped paying rent, utilities, cable, for months, intending to move—-leaving me high and dry—my parents lived in Charlotte. I was a means to an end. But getting a whiff of the plan, coincidentally, when I got into therapy, got healthy and with Elizabeth's guidance, got out of codependency with Michelle, and got my own, adult life—-including new job, boyfriend, friend, etc.—-was the trigger as to why Michelle decided to leave—-I was able to evict her and simply go on about a healthy life with boundaries.

As an aside, several times in my life I’ve noticed that the extremely dysfunctional, narcissitic shutdown, shut you out, when you no longer serve into them.

Fortuitously, pragmatically I threw Michelle out first and lived in the apartment for some time with a boyfriend—-on a tight budget—but until I was ready to leave.

Youth Coordinator

A few years later after moving to Manhattan, I first volunteered to facilitate a men’s group and then after leaving a charter school, became the agency’s Youth Coordinator. The age demographic was 14 to 27 and I had about 80 students/clients. I made it a point to expand the program from Kool Aid and video games, to substantial educational-programming, that included college entry/support, work referrals, financial stability lessons, health classes and internships plus sex and sexuality and relationship dynamic workshops. It had a micro budget and I learned a lot about hustling and creativity to create programming at a non-profit.

What became apparent though as I recruited LGBTSGL youth from all over New York using pamphlets and chatting folk up, especially in Greenwich Village and down at the Piers, was that sexuality and identity were more fluid than strict words/labels.

• Several of my clients showed up gender presenting as male and then would show up the next week gender presenting as female.
• Some as young as 18 claimed they were trans.
• Some were having fun for parties and holidays.
• Some were even turning tricks and so effeminate that a dress and wig wasn’t a big leap.

I even had to institute that people had to tell us, the group, how they wanted to be addressed to avoid conflicts and hurt feelings, and we the group would abide by and respect that, even if it changed day to day, week to week.

Race & Sexuality and Being a Black Man

But tying this all together, having now known Michelle and several other transsexuals, particularly being Black and Latino plus my Youth Group trans folk—-I was starting to see a pattern.

While we were roommates, Michelle had a friend John, who had transitioned to being Joan. Michelle talked about Joan being a lawyer and I asked had it happened recently? No. Why did I ask? I pointed out that from Michelle and several of her trans friends, Joan, who was White, must have done so—-gone to law school and become a lawyer, before transitioning—-I had noticed the pattern that when trans people came out they focused near exclusively beyond survival, on being trans. Michelle said yes, Joan had become a lawyer while John, and the skill/degree/work carried over.

Further I noted from Michelle, her friend and others of color, crossing into my Youth Group that those that were Black/Latino, did not go through the “correct” process for transitioning.

The correct process/steps are:

• Two years of psychological counseling, as a minimum, to confirm and help the mindset, social and emotional transitioning. Also to help with family, work, relationships. A lot of Michelle’s madness was because she could dismiss me, family, friends, etc.—-presenting as the expert on transsexuality and using our criticism as transphobia——hence the whole Passing misnomer debacle.
• Medically supervised hormone prescriptions by an active psychiatrist who is working in tangent with the psychologist. Michelle went once, then continued and has continued for years, decades now, taking black market drugs and eventually illegal silicone injections. I was freaked out by this, Michelle’s nurse stepmother was freaked out, but my mother, a psychology major, sanguinely suggested that the abhorrent behavior Michelle displayed as a college student and then working adult—-might have something to do with the hormones. There’s a reason why a trans person is suppose to do this under medical supervision—I was in the middle of Michelle’s drug induced mood swings, psychotic outbursts, hyper sexuality, irrationality, etc.. But again Michelle weaponized transphobia against us, me and her family, so that criticism/questions were “attacks” because we weren’t trans experts.
• Group therapy with other trans people to get a social feedback/community going to support the trans individual. Michelle eventually, at my pushing, joined one but it was messy. Yes, there were trans folk and a practicing psychologist but transsexuality was new back then in a social context. If you think of the pervasiveness/acceptance today as a 7, then, on a scale of 1 to 10, years ago, it had just advanced to a 5. The psychologist and office would have Michelle and her trans peers come in a back door, slip into a conference room for their group therapy, so as not to “confuse” other patients and children, who were in the front office waiting room. Trans segregation/apartheid. I railed at the insulting insanity of this and Michelle was genuinely surprised to see it as discriminatory—-which inverted our positions as my own sense of agency and hers. She didn’t understand that one could have a psychologist that was wrong about one thing but right about others, because she didn’t have experience with a psychologist around trans issues like that. Michelle stopped going to the group because I think it got “too real” in the sense that they were an assemblage doing it the “right way”. I’d also posit that they brought up in Michelle doubt about what her body dysmorphia was in truth and was not, truthfully.

With my clinical training and managing the youth LGBTSGL group, I came to understand that not everyone who presents one way IS that way. There are a wide range of reasons why people experience/live in body dysmorphia.

(Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), or body dysmorphia, is a mental health condition where a person spends a lot of time worrying about flaws in their appearance. These flaws are often unnoticeable to others. People of any age can have BDD, but it's most common in teenagers and young adults. It affects both men and women.)

There are several reasons why folk in my youth LGBTSGL group/clients did so:

One of them, from Black and Latino males, is that it is easier in a society that imposes racialized stigma and homosexual/non-heterosexuality stigma to be something else. Whether passable or not, a female receives attention, male attention, signals and attention from skoliosexuals—-men who are into female presenting/biological sexed males (Someone who is skoliosexual is sexually attracted to people who identify with a nonbinary gender.)—-it’s easier than being simplistically a gay Black/Latino male.

Maleness, being a man, a full man, is extremely difficult as a heterosexual and as a non-heterosexual, through again the adult men’s groups I’ve run for thousands of men of color and the youth group—-not all of them survive emotionally/psychically. Hence the high drug use, alcohol abuse, smoking and having the highest HIV transmission rates (pleasure seeking gone wrong.)

The general statistic is that about 50% to 60% of Black and Latino non-hetero males are in various forms of distress, stress, mental illness, anxiety, DLness/Closetedness, self destruction because Race and Non-Heterosexuality Sexuality act as social comorbidities.

co·mor·bid·i·ty (noun MEDICINE plural noun: comorbidities)

1. the simultaneous presence of two or more diseases or medical (mental) dysfunctions-conditions in a patient." Age and comorbidity may be risk factors for poor outcome" a disease, mental or medical condition that is simultaneously present with another or others in a patient. "patients with cardiovascular or renal comorbidities"

In conclusion and answering the question:

Sexuality, as you see can deeply diverge, even with similar backgrounds including culture (race) as a Black person, male, is complicated when not strictly heterosexual in presentation and action. Michael’s identity, though supported with a full parental set, included childhood rape and terrific abuse by both parents—-both pushing away what he might have identified with in a positive male way, in order to be a male homosexual who could make safe, good attachments to other bi or homosexual men.

Michael could yes, have become Michelle, fulfilling a trans identity, but purposefully remained stunted at simply presenting as female for attention but not in identity commitment. A psychiatrist and psychologist would have directly forced Michelle to commit, back down, identify, work through the confusion. Michelle still lives in this dual sexed biological and physically appearing body as sort of a self-manifestation of self disgust and shame—-having done illegal silicone injections and illegal hormones but no trans sexual assignment surgery. Once, in a spark of deep truth, Michelle admitted to me deep doubt at not “knowing” and perhaps never seeking surgery.

Shame is I am wrong.

Guilt is I did something wrong.

What do I make of this mélange of doubt, guilt, shame, stigma, etc.?

I think Michelle is/was potentially along the spectrum of what we identify as trans-non-binary—-that spectrum of sex, gender and sexuality perhaps even being “gay” but what occurred as sexual abuse, deep physical and emotional parental abuse and no restorative/reconstructive therapy warped Michael so that Michelle is a created identity—-but an amalgamation of those comorbidity dysfunctions. I could see that—-trees for the forest—-until I had done years of programmatic work, clinical training, been exposed to more people so that I have a fuller sense of a “spectrum” of identity/sexuality and more importantly, the impacts of dysfunctions left untreated.

Michael also did culturally rejecting things, and still continues to do so, pushing away African American people/culture because she once expressed to me that they spooked her the most. “Spook” is slang meaning that they recognized Michael in Michelle—-that Michelle was not biologically female.

This has to do with culturally every group is generally raised by their group so we recognize one another—-essentially—-endogamy (ANTHROPOLOGY) the custom of marrying only within the limits of a local community, clan, or tribe. (BIOLOGY) the fusion of reproductive cells from related individuals; inbreeding; self-pollination—-the two done in a tighter social group-tribe—-or culture—-think Black community/family, allows us to perceive sex, gender, sexuality cues faster than someone with different culture history/endogamy.

We have bred with people who look like us for generations so we recognize people from our “tribe” easier than others. The example of this would be Michael’s targets in college, were all White males but her brief boyfriend was Latino. The White males had less of a sex-gender fix for Black males and Black females—-so the mish mash Michael/Michelle presented confirmed into their personal sexuality questions/confusions. The Latino boyfriend immediately saw Michael-Michelle as a pre-op trans and had a bisexuality to his sexual identity that included space for trans folk.

However when he lovingly offered that Michael-Michelle could use his/her penis to anally penetrate him for mutual sexual pleasure and would perform oral sex on Michael-Michelle’s penis—-Michael Michelle was deeply conflicted, upset and freaked out, it being the foundation of their breaking up. He was “accepting” the totality of Michael-Michelle in a way that even Michael-Michelle couldn't accept their selves.

One of my mentors, a professor, upon meeting Michael-Michelle, pointed out later after I’d thrown Michelle out/ended the friendship, how fragile they were psychologically. Surprised that I had such an emotionally fragile friend and applauded me when I kicked them out years later, suggesting I hadn’t considered my insane floor and wall scrubbing cleaning rituals afterwards, trying to rid myself of an “unclean spirit”.

I offer all of this information into the Black trans experience to relate, what I learned in experience and then deeper for work, that Black-African American sexuality is both informed and deformed by several elements.

Skoliosexuality

I give you the skoliosexual.

(From WebMD)

Skoliosexuality, sometimes spelled scoliosexuality, is the attraction to people who are transgender or nonbinary. People who are transgender identify as a gender different from the one they were assigned at birth. They may identify as a man, a woman, or neither. People who don’t identify as either a man or a woman are nonbinary since their gender is neither of the two.

People who are skoliosexual may or may not be attracted to cisgender people as well. A cisgender individual identifies with the gender they were assigned at birth.

Skoliosexuality is still a relatively new term, so being skoliosexual may mean different things to different people. Some consider skoliosexuality to be an attraction to anyone who is not cisgender. Others feel that it only applies to people who are attracted to nonbinary individuals.

Some people consider the skoliosexual label to be unnecessary or even discriminatory. This is because the attraction specifically hinges on whether someone is cisgender or not, as opposed to the gender with which they identify. However, other people consider it to be nothing more than another type of sexual orientation, like hetero- or homosexuality.

Other Names for Skoliosexual

Some people prefer the term “ceterosexual” to “skoliosexual,” because “skolio-” comes from the Greek word for “bent.” People who prefer ceterosexual believe that “skoliosexual” implies that nonbinary or transgender individuals are somehow “wrong.”

Ceterosexual, while standing for the same attraction, comes from the Latin word for “other,” which does not carry the same negative implication.

What Is the Difference Between Skoliosexuality, Bisexuality, and Pansexuality?

Pansexuality is the attraction to all people regardless of gender, while bisexuality is the attraction to your own gender and at least one other gender.

Skoliosexual vs. Pansexual

Skoliosexuality is distinct from pansexuality in that it’s more specific than pansexuality: instead of being attracted to people regardless of gender, skoliosexual people are attracted to others in part because of their gender. While a pansexual person is unlikely to care about a partner’s gender, a skoliosexual person is likely to be attracted to a partner because they identify as a gender that they were not assigned at birth.

Skoliosexual vs. Bisexual

Similarly, the distinction between skoliosexuality and bisexuality is that skoliosexuality can be a type of bisexuality. If someone is bisexual, they may be attracted to transgender people as well as cisgender people.

For example, if a cisgender man is attracted to other men as well as at least one other gender, they can identify as bisexual. If they are attracted to transgender or nonbinary individuals, they can identify as bisexual and as skoliosexual.

Myths and Misconceptions about Skoliosexuality

Skoliosexuality is not the same as fetishizing people who are transgender. Instead, skoliosexuality is just a descriptive term for someone’s sexual identity. If a person is attracted to transgender people, regardless of their other attractions, they can identify as skoliosexual.

Skoliosexuality involves both romantic and sexual attraction; people with a fetish are less likely to have a wholistic attraction to the person, and may only be interested in a sexual relationship.

How Skoliosexuality Works in Relationships

Skoliosexual people may find themselves in a relationship with a transgender or nonbinary person at some time in their life. Depending on the person, this may significantly affect the relationship, or it may not change much at all.

It’s important for people to discuss their boundaries when it comes to skoliosexuality. Many people who are nonbinary or transgender prefer to use certain pronouns, present their gender in a particular way, or limit the number of people who know their gender identity. They may also have preferences regarding sex. If you’re in a relationship with someone who is not cisgender, it’s important to respect your partner’s wishes regarding their gender identity.

Helping Your Loved Ones Understand Skoliosexuality

While you don’t need to come out to your loved ones as skoliosexual, some people find it to be helpful or cathartic to come out. You can explain skoliosexuality as being a natural attraction to people who are not cisgender. If it helps, you can also compare skoliosexuality to bi- or pansexuality.

If you’re talking to your loved ones about skoliosexuality because you have a new partner, be careful. Always check with your partner to confirm whether they’re okay with you outing them: when informing your friends and family that you’re skoliosexual in relation to a new partner, you’re informing them that your partner is not cisgender. This disclosure can have serious effects on your partner’s life.

If your partner would prefer to pass as cisgender, it may be simpler to just not bring it up with your loved ones in the first place.

Michelle and Family-Women

A final point about how Michelle ultimately felt about women comes form her half sister, from her father’s second marriage. Zora resembled both parents and yes, was the stepmother’s—-preferred child even as she accepted the teen Michael then trans Michelle.

Zora got pregnant and married in her early 20s and we were all delighted at the baby. I was sitting with Michelle’s stepmother and Zora, holding the baby—-us all cooing and teasing and talking and I happened to look up. Across the room, arms folded in the doorway, Michelle was glaring at the three of us and the baby. With absolute hatred. Later, heading back to our shared apartment, I suggested to Michelle that she had issues with what she was seeing, the bonds, the mother-daughter-granddaughter links (and me)—-to the point had I been the parent and looked up and saw a human being looking at me and my children/child that way—-I would have never allowed them back into the house or near the baby. Michelle looked that furious, lethally at us, particularly the baby.

It was one of those seminal movie moments where you have a burst a deep clarity and try to say something to “save” a person, the friendship. Michelle brushed it off. But I felt then and then eventually her breakdown months later—were the “real” Michelle inside that the artifice was covering.

Michelle, even in her codependency and then rejection of obese White women, rejection of Black women (and men)——and her distinctly non-feminist actions as a “women”—-deeply—-thanks to her biological mother—-resents women. As she aspires for their social power, attention from men and privilege.

Black Men and Sexuality

Summing this all up—-with an insight into trans-skoliosexuality-omnisexuality, etc.. what I will offer to what seemed like an obtuse question is that we, in the 21st century, are on a precipice of exploring sexualities/identities that have always been present but not always seen in society.

Black Americans, people of color, having experienced systemic oppression and stigma from a dominant culture, have not had the freedom to healthy explore, experience and expand in our sexuality as that dominant culture has. We ain’t retarded but as I learned in teaching sexuality to people of color for all of these years—-we’re several grades behind. We often don’t directly specify and estimate both divergences and limitations prejudice and discrimination—-even to health, medicine, biology, psychology—-ostracism and segregation—-has done to people of color.

By this I mean, we’re all human, we too are full of Michaels and Kyles and Michelles but we haven’t had the resources that a Caitlyn Jenner has had—-even shifting/transitioning so late in life—-to explore healthy that transition. Partially yes, because of resources and celebrity but also most intensely because a White rich man, free, privileged and entitled in society—-privilege not simply from money—-but privilege meaning he has not experiencing stigma and obstacles based solely upon his skin color——so as trying and laboring and difficult as his transitioning was for him—-I in no way doubt it hasn’t be—-it’s 10x more so for those of color.

Hence the malformed Michael-Michelle.

And thousands of others, my having met and counseling far too many in my work.

So to Black men specifically and sexuality—-there’s so much more, that systemic oppression and stigmatized racism have buried, refuse to allow to be unearthed or healthy worked through—-that yes, as I personally believe—-about 50% of the human population is not exclusively heterosexual——we simply don’t have a society that allows that expression. Yet.

The Question Clarified and Clarifies

What the question(er) is sensing, seeing, is that men of color are adjacent to this freedom, questioning, playing with, developing and yes, designing their own sexuality, identity, gender, etc. and doing so more than White men. Statistically there are more Out men of color than White men though there are 5 to 6x more White men than men of color in America. What this shows in the gap is that White men know they will lose some of their status, privilege and resources by coming “Out” so many refrain from doing so——can you imagine if they did more and more and more?

but men of color, already stigmatized, marginalized can play, challenge, come out, etc. because what’s their to lose when you’re limited in a society already?

That’s what the question is seeing. And to some degree where Michelle has tried to wiggle through for identity freedom but because of historic abuse and dysfunction, is crippled, stuck in the hallway of transition—-for the past 30 years now, since we were teens in middle school.

#KylePhoenix

#TheKylePhoenixShow

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