I came to this question taking a Pomodoro break from a Project Management course—-and read Elena Vrana’s great write up on her process. I do much the same—-my grandmother used to read 4–5 books a week, that’s my aim as well, I don’t watch regular TV with the exception of The Profit, sometimes Shark Tank and Love It or List—-I tend to enjoy process/teaching/learning shows. I watch mainly documentaries on people so that I understand psychology, sociology and culture better. Different countries, different customs and languages. When I do watch fictional movies I have been leaning in the past decade or so to foreign films and series—-one it gives a great insight to that culture—-I’m watching a South Korean sci-fi thingie and there is a heavy emphasis form their culture on loyalty and connection to one another—-it was after a few episodes where I was wondering why the romance took such a backseat to this connectivity and then comparing it to other shows I realized, it’s cultural.
In watching foreign works I whether use the subtitles or the dubbing but what I also find interesting to do and I use it in teaching too. In teaching, younger people having the subtitles on forces them to read as they watch, which causes a slight detachment from the video——so I can use the excitement of scenes form the Matrix to illustrate a point but they don’t get lost in the scenes themselves to answer quiz questions because the subtitles “halt” being engrossed. (I also don't run videos for longer than 15 minutes at a time.)
The above, my internalized process, as an introvert means that I accept people and cultures, especially differences as natural. I accept different as natural rather than odd or threatening. It also deeply informs my own personal learning process and the expansiveness of my knowledge and interests. I try to purposeful explore other places, people things (I’m about to dive into a biography on Mao, Golda Meir, I regularly buy large scale books on artists, economics, psychology, sociology and I occasionally read either bubble gum pulpy fiction (for relaxation) or I’m focused on “high” literature, a hundred plus classics, for a writing project I’m working on.)
I, who have read and studied a lot, am always amazed at how many more thoughts and stories and ideas and discoveries there are out there. It’s one of the things that keeps me engaged in life itself.
Curiosity About The World
I’m also deeply curious about the world and people and nature and such—-so without my contacts or glasses I’m often veering into places to look at thins to ask questions, to check things out. I notice, now, most people with their noses in their phone, distracted, texting not absorbing the world around them. Ironically I do a lot of publishing of content—-books, videos, blogs, articles, a TV show so I’m often synthesizing information for those productions but at the same time I’m not tied to my phones—-I have two, one just for taking pictures—-so I’m deeply engaged with technology but I use it, I’m not absorbed into it.
Personal Interactions
I would say that one thing I notice that stands out is one, I make eye contact with everyone—-Dr. WH Hunter, my English AP teacher in high school, taught me that if I had trouble/trepidation making eye contact to look at someone's’ eyebrows, forehead or the crown of their head—-they couldn't tell the difference. I did this for years until I was past being shy. I also speak clearly, directly, and I smile. Not a false, I just ate a mouse smile but a gentle open/Hello smile.
And I’m very, very, very big on manners—Please, Excuse Me, Thank you—-I often think about making up thousands of little cards or signs of these three as reminders, and just posting them everywhere I go. It would change the world.
I do an active thing where when people, adults, teens, whomever approach me I give everyone the same level of presentational respect/greeting—-I make it a point to be singular, polite, open to everyone even though here in NY some folk look wild, crazy, disturbed, upset, confused. It’s yes, a way of having a “false” face but it’s also a way of my not snapping as a grouch or changing how I interact based upon a person’s sex, gender, social class, age.
With vagrants or beggars, I make eye contact. And I either give or I tell them firmly but directly, “No, thank you.” You’d be surprised at how it serves and stops people because I’m acknowledging their existence, I simply choose not to participate/give. But I see them as people, I still see them as a creation within the universe.
I do another thing—-I imagine, simply passerby's——smiling. I imagine what people look like smiling and laughing, especially the ones who aren’t. You’d be surprised at how you can re-arrange a person’s face, how you can see the smile in them with just a casual glance. In that way I guess, I see people being pleasant towards me, even when they aren’t.
I also do a Vedic exercise where I actively think—-”The Light of God within me salutes and blesses the Light of God within you.” If you just stand somewhere, a corner, on a subway, etc. doing this, it shifts all of reality after a few minutes because it presses to see people, to acknowledge them, to extend spiritually to them.
I also try to find small but significant compliments in even the most casual or mundane of positions—-cashiers, delivery people, police officers. A smile, a nod, a little teasing comment when I see them notice something—-it says that I see you. Everyone wants to be validated especially people who sort of fade into the background of life. I’m always talking directly to the person in front of me—-I’m never looking at a cell phone screen or texting while talking to people—-because I feel a little affront inside when people do it to me. To that end, people often feel like they’re getting my undivided attention.
Have a Joke or a Story
Possibly because of teaching—-I stand in front of rooms—-and I have to get the conversational ball rolling—-I make sure I have safe jokes, humor, light stories, personal tales of learning or going from A to B or something new or odd I’ve noticed—-though I would say I’m not good at chit chat, I am good and projecting/doing it when I have to because I see it as a practicable skill. In person I seem like an extrovert because of it but I’m not, I’m just good and mimicking the skillsets of extroverts.
I also try to have good questions to ask people but more importantly, I listen “past” the first answer——when people speak, I let them finish and then I let a moment sit, a few seconds, and invariably people fill in the silence, the blanks with more information.
And even more importantly, which builds rapport, I make it a point, no distractions to listen to a person, and tuck it away in a file mentally about them. Likes, dislikes, vacations, etc. so that years later (around campus lots of staff went on breaks/furlough so there’s been an influx of folk that I haven’t seen in awhile) I can pick up and drop into a conversation about the vacation someone took with their daughter. A porter, took his daughter to Europe as a college gift a few years ago, furloughed, came back and I asked him did they have further travel plans? One, he was pleased to be “seen” and two, yes, they did, looking to investigate Greece—-which allowed me to bring up how I’d like to visit Mykonos or Crete and away we went into our Greece discussion.
Writing Codifies An Interior Monologue to Share
I read, listen and write a lot, a lot a lot. Writing seems to allow me to consider things better, consider things from differing perspectives, even in work conflicts, I’m always digging deeper for how the other person thinks/ feels, their motivations. I notice that other coworkers leave conflicts or contradictory think of the other person as evil or out to destroy them—-when in fact, with a little thought and speculation, you can generally see another person’s perspective and motivation.
No One is Stupid Even If They’re Shortsighted or Foolish
I often chastise coworkers not to consider others “stupid” to always think of others, even those in conflict as just as smart as you or smarter. One, it ups your game and two, it forces you to think of what they might see, think, or know that you don’t.
I’m smart, I know I’m smart but I don’t know that I’m the smartest, anyone, anywhere could be that, smarter, about a host of things—-I allow for that. Which in turn makes me intelligent and reduces stress because I don’t have the burden or responsibility of being the brain in the room all the time, even in my own head.
The Kyle Phoenix Show
My local TV show, I’ve been producing and hosting for about 13 years now. What this has done is, I’m occasionally recognized on the street, on buses, on the train in Manhattan. So I have to have a receptive, reasonably pleasant face/response. I also have done lots of teachings at university, non-profits, DOE schools, etc.. so I have a high level of interaction, past and present, with literally thousands of people—-some of whom I remember directly, most I don’t or have never in person met. This presses me to be conscious about being present and polite or receptive.
I’ve also done in studio and out in the field interviews so I’ve spent some time studying interviewers, styles, focus, attention. And I mimic that, I try to imagine being an empty vessel and just allowing the other person to fill the space of the conversation. I try to ask good, concise, direct but not intrusive questions. I like to let people talk. I generally email them the Proust Questionnaire and tell them I probably won’t ask you all of these questions but think about—-what are your favorite books or movies or accomplishments or places you’ve visited; how have you dealt with setback, etc.—-that 20+ questions swirling around in their head, gives us not only places to go to start up a conversation but it also kind of shakes loose the memories and impression and thoughts that even if I don’t ask it directly, the question is at the forefront of their mind to insert into a tale, a joke, an idea, etc..
I’m about to embark on a series/project of a few hundred interviews so I’m really thinking about how in a short period of time to get some good, salient insights from the people in a variety of fields, careers and lifestyles.
The above all sort of sums up to my being able to engage the world, its’ people easier than I always feel internally, emotionally. I am an extreme introvert. And often socially shy. But I’ve made it a game/point to have a big toolbox to be able to rectify that when needed.
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Smile, Kyle
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Kyle Phoenix is a teacher, certified adult educator, sexologist, sex coach and sexuality educator with over two decades of intensive experience. He studied at the University at Buffalo, SUNY, New York University, and Columbia University. He has worked, consulted and taught individuals and focused professional developments for the CDC, Department of Education, Gay Men's Health Crisis, New York City Department of Health, non-profits, Fortune 500 companies and unions. He began his career facilitating on-campus workshops addressing a wide range of sexuality and sexual health issues and then moved on to teaching at universities, non-profits, private groups and clients, hosting The Kyle Phoenix Show on television and multiple online webinars, including YouTube and Sclipo and writing extensively through his blog, Special Reports, articles and other print and E books in the Kyle Phoenix Series on relationships, finance, education, spirituality and culture. He lives in New York with his family.
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