Are most gays top, bottom or versatile? Are there any studies? by Kyle Phoenix

Yes, Keith Swainn, did a survey on sex/relationships on men who have sex with men and found, in his book Dynamic Duos, that based upon biology—-higher testosterone levels—-15% of all men are Alphas and approximately 85% are Betas (in general) but specifically for MSM it breaks down that Alphas tend to be more Tops, though may experiment Bottoming. Betas tend to be more Bottoms and Versatiles.

This seems all kind of hmmmmmmm until I did thousands of hours of workshops with MSM and found that yup, the majority of the men were not only Betas but bottoms and frustrated because the overwhelming majority of men weren’t Tops. An interesting side to this is that so many Bottoms now actively demand Total Tops which I think stems back to the feeling of inadequacy or inability to satisfy a Versatile if they are are exclusively a Bottom.

BUT (pun) historically, spiritually and even within the context of healthier relationships, Versatility is the key or at least the space for versatility narrowing by biological impulse, it’s mainly Bottoms who in a

I look at guys and catch myself looking at their butts, to Top them. Then I might THIRD perception him and consider—-oh, he could be a Versatile or a Top.

The benefit to this madness is to be a Top, there’s an abundance of choice, too much choice because Bottoms don’t realize there’s very little difference in rectums/anal canals—-it’s personality, other sexual capabilities, etc. that make them unique. Bottoms often offer or suggest that they’re amazing bottoms when there’s very little qualitative difference in direct penetration. Tops on the other hand can vary in skill, patience, stamina, penis size but that’s often more pressure than reward.pinch (pun) would be Versatile, the pinch being no other choice I guess. But the constant direct questioning MSM do to one another is because when you look at a man, you either A/B him—-sexualize or non-sexualize him. Then if you sexualize him, you sexual position him—-Top or Bottom——I don’t know how one would see Versatile as part of that because that secondary positioning perception is based upon your positioning.

Versatility, healthier, more all around satisfying requires an emotional and mental perception flexibility——in many ways one can’t help but to effeminize or view a Bottom as not inferior or less than but as perhaps the Cherished Follower, the gentler one, the one to be more careful but possessive with. So once a man falls into your perception category from YOUR own positionality, its difficult to put him into the dominant or submissive (I hate those terms, not for any political reasons but because they’re so broad and have different connotations to everyone—-sexuality and language are so imprecise because they’re clinical terms for amorphous feelings——I have so much difficulty in workshops with this—-we just generally come to a group consensus about what we’re going to mean with a word).

That 15/85 split, not knowing the split and how to distinguish and hunt Alphas and Betas and stay in your lane, the sexuality positioning perception, the whole dom/sub and sexuality language thing are the cascade of reasons why msm have so much trouble establishing relationships—-it’s like a maze/game.

For years I’ve been doing the Alpha Beta workshop and it is the most packed, goes overtime and creates the most AHAH! and relief moments, comparable only to when I’m doing Multiple Orgasm Training for Men.Kyle Phoenix

The Definitive Guide to Pleasuring Tops, Bottoms and Versatiles: A Guide for Bi, Gay, Omnisexual and Same Gender Loving Men (4th Edition)

2021 EDITION Information captured from hundreds of workshops with men, surveys and in person counseling sessions, this book outlines what men who have sex with men like, feel, want and the sensations and actions that lead to pleasure. Includes Bonus Book: Mastering Online Dating! This book in the...

https://amzn.to/3jJyIxk

Multiple Orgasm Training for Men: A Guide for Bi, Gay, Omnisexual, Straight and Same Gender Loving Men

2020 EDITION w/ MORE UPDATES! "Your sexuality is good natural and divinely right. Once you define it you have the right to explore and enhance it. Now it's time for you to reach the pinnacle of your sexual abilities."---Kyle Phoenix This book in the Kyle Phoenix Series focuses on multip...

https://amzn.to/3MbZk6h

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How do billionaires buy things? by Kyle Phoenix

It depends on what you’re trying to buy.

Most people misunderstand being a billionaire. At some point you were worth a few million and that’s when most of your systems got set up. You still get a shuffling off of a few million from being on boards, being an employee of your own company so you may still handle the same $10 million in liquid cash for 50 years, it’s just replenished yearly from a single or multiple sources.

Being a billionaire means that you have to manage the other billion dollars beyond that $10 million.

So you have an accountant, generally a personal one who is paid about $100,000 a year because they keep track of your personal bills and get them paid.

You have one or a handful of personal assistants that handle different areas—-one is for scheduling your personal calendar of events, one is for professional events, a third for business events, a fourth for international events and a fifth for family issues and personal friends——they would all pool into the same office, Outlook account or there’s a Lead Assistant who manages them all.

Then you have a management team—-Business Manager, Real Estate Manager, Personal Banking Manager—-the three of them handle their designated issues. There might be a President of your company who reports to you. There’s often a Logistics Manager, especially if you travel a lot. This position can be combined into your Lead Assistant or sometimes it’s a separate personal who also manages your Security and Travel team (think: Oprah), you would need someone who just handles travel, contacting airports, managing the plane, it’s staff and security. If you have multiple businesses, that’s multiple Presidents so there might be one overall Portfolio Business Manager who sums it all up monthly and there’s a full meeting every six months.

Then there’s Estate Manager, perhaps a House Manager/Head Butler/Head Maid.

So your purchases are handled by size, complexity, time and to which account it belongs.

Oprah has nothing in her name. She has companies that she owns that buy her everything as an employee. Why film TV shows at her house—-because a company bought the estate. The estate itself becomes a business write off. All associated costs to her well being are built into a contract with the company she owns—-clothing, food, travel expenses, so  she says:

I love that sweater, I want 5!

Lead Asst. has for simplicity’s sake 5 credit cards or Oprah has them which they assign to Clothing Budget.

I love that car!

Another card with a higher limit.

I love that house!

A money market account owned by a holding company.

I love that yacht!

Another assignation to a different holding company account.

At a certain limit she probably has to get the bigger accounts involved. So maybe she might have a Black American Express card—-from her company with no limit—-but she wouldn’t go over a million with it. Or she might prefer a checkbook (my mother had various checkbooks—-normal checking checking account, money market and checks that specifically went against annuities).

But everyone and everything is on a budget by a certain point—-maybe a few years into gaining money so you have an account with Westside Market, a supermarket here in Manhattan so they’ll send a monthly bill to the Personal Accountant. You have accounts at Saks, Nordstroms, Bergdorf Goodman’s, Tiffany’s, Armani, etc. places you’ve gone to regularly. Your Security detail or Personal Asst. who is with you also has a card with the Personal Account’s name and contact information if you’re famous——because handling money or demanding it is gauche.

Or you have this single Black Amex and your account at the end of the month figures out what was what.

Generally you only have the 1 card because of simplicity sake, it sticks right with your cell phone and you’re good. This above is what it looks like when it arrives—-at your office——literally a black hard on in a financial box! Because it’s one of the few simple objects that has a truly unlimited spending limit (okay, they make a courtesy call at any charge between $1–2 million….but still. There’s also the JP Morgan card which you need to have a depository account at $10 million to get but the Black Amex is flashier—-though the Centurion is actually metal so it’s heavy and makes a loud sound when tapped on a counter top.)

For anything over say a million, Security has those cards so you pick out some furniture at a high end store and give them the business card to contact your Business Manager or Accountant and they generally have a bank check delivered by hand when the invoice is confirmed within 24 hours because delivery instructions also have to be confirmed. So the Personal Assistant might handle the logistics of getting money, store and delivery together. (I’ve even done this when I worked as a personal assistant.)

Though it might seem cumbersome to have a second person involved besides the store/retailer in your transactions, it’s a security protocol so that it is confirmed that you made the purchase and the retailer exists. You might also want some distance—-”Judy, go back to Tiffany’s and get me the purple thongs in a size XL.” You might not want to walk in and pick those up. It’s better to have Judy go in and swipe with the corporate card.

Do you have cash on hand?

Yes, generally in the home safe because in case of an emergency—-there are suddenly fires in Montecito and you have to get your valuables out of the house. There’s a truck rental company but they’re pushing another house to the side to come to yours because you’re like I’ve got $75,000 cash if you’re here in an hour. Or you go to restaurants regularly and it’s easier to tip twice—-once on your card and once in cash because you know that the credit card tip goes to the house but you want your favorite waiters to get something in hand. (I used to do this at a restaurant that two coworkers and I would go to. We’d tip on the credit card—-that’s split through the bar, maybe the host, the chef, the manager—-lots of people helped. But then we’d slip Brian our waiter, he was an actor a $50 in cash, mainly because he’d doctored the bill after the 4th round of drinks.)

You might also have cash on hand for bonuses, gifts, emergencies, going out without wanting to leave a complete trace, or to places like nightclubs or food trucks or just places where cash might be needed and you don’t want to flash a multi-million dollar unlimited Black American Express card.

Those first couple of years are all about getting your team and systems in order so that you might replace team members but your system holds for yourself, your family, your business. I had to keep track of, distribute and adjust 300–400 paychecks for a company in a 40 block radius with 1000 employees who had all kinds of varying salaries—-hourly, yearly, yearly and hourly, part time, full time, withholding and then children-students started getting stipend checks—-I was literally the mayor of Harlem for two years—-but I was the Lead Liaison for the first 2 years while we were working the kinks out of employee, buying, vendors, supplies—-by now I’m sure it’s tight as a drum. Your lead assistant would handle making sure all of your private staff got paid, vacation days, scheduled, etc..

This is one of the reasons why unless you know what you’re looking for you can’t see this seamless team in place because when I was a corporate assistant or business liaison (the difference between as a liaison I was the crux point between two separate large businesses, one spawning the other), I designed a system that worked to the companies/individuals desired level of invisibility. Pretty much at a budget over $1 million for a business or person a year . By the time a business or person’s net worth would graduate to $100 million or to $1 billion it would just be increasing in size in some places and lack of redundancy in others.

Also people don’t realize that when you buy well, it tends to be of better quality so you’re not running out of things and your team replaces quite a few things before you even notice an issues—-sheets might be bought in quantity of three or ten sets and used through a large home for a year or two. My mother had linen for individual bedrooms which were carpeted and wall papered grey, green and a fuchsia pink so replenished based on guests for the year.

Wealth involves lots of anticipatory logistical work on your staff;’s part but after a few years you’re predictable in the sense that it’s like the path is cleaned, cleared and scented fifty feet in front of you because your team knows your preferences backwards and forwards.

As weird as it sounds, the person themselves might confuse or mess things up more than their team will because your team is so practiced at solving your problems. The team is generally thrown off when you do something weird or unusual or spontaneous. Ironically the more money you have the more you can be surrounded by controlling people (think: Michael Jackson) who have the maintenance of the system at heart and not the wishes of the individual that the system surrounds.

Of course this is a wide system, some people have or need less depending upon their desires but it falls into the concept of a “Family Office” that acts as a hub of management or a business/office where the team is centralized at domestically for residences and international travel/living.

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Why do I lose erection as soon as I penetrate someone anally? by Kyle Phoenix

The Pressure

Pressure Pt. 1 - Sounds Of Blackness <<<Ironic musical accompaniment.

There are two things that men don’t realize about anal sex.

1. Is that the anus has two muscle groups, the interior and the exterior muscle group that are essentially seized all day. Now the exterior muscles one can open and close by will but (pun!) the interior muscles are tighter and require mental concentration and patience to relax and open.
2. The penis goes through 4 Stages in an Erection Life Cycle
1. There’s Soft Arousal where there is flaccidity or it is pretty much being awakened. Normally men constantly have a state of minor arousal because of friction, pressure against the corona of the penis or against the skin, if uncircumcised. If seated and still, men generally aren’t being stimulated at all.
2. There’s Fuller Arousal where there’s actually stimulation to the penis/corona and the beginnings of an erection. Sometimes this is called The Heat Stage.
3. There’s then the Erection or Full Erection Stage. This is generally when a man’s penis is at it’s most solid for him based upon his health, and therefore, blood flow/vessel lack of blockage and age. The penis naturally is in a variety of positions as age progresses due to tensile strength, size and weight on a man. Generally the younger you are the closer it is to your stomach, then it lowers like a draw bridge until it more of hangs, even when hard. Penis size is also determined by weight not just length, you gain or lose 2–3 inches for every 35lbs one is over their “prime” weight to height ratio.
4. Finally there’s the Refractory Period or Transition. What’s interesting about transition, for the penile connoisseur, is that it happens in-between every stage after initial arousal.
5. Most people (men) think that you get aroused, you get hard, you ejaculate, you get soft, you rest, perhaps repeat. In fact what happens is you are naturally in soft arousal/nil, you go into transition, you go into fuller arousal, you go into transition again, you go to fuller arousal, you go into transition again, you go to full erection, you go back to fuller arousal, you go back to fuller erection.
6. This is because sex shouldn’t be frantic stimulation to get the penis to fuller arousal and then to immediate full erection to rush to a rapid ejaculating release and orgasm; sex, healthy sex is foreplay, touching, seductive, talking, stimulation, more foreplay, touching, erection, simulated penetration, frottage, erection, fuller erection, penetration, transition, fuller erection, penetration, arousal, foreplay, touching, kissing, transition, fuller erection. Within a healthy period of time the male penis goes through various states as attention and arousal are shifting and changing.
7. Ejaculation and Orgasm are two separate events. Children can have orgasms but not ejaculate because production hasn’t begun by a certain age (which is why all children play with themselves, even babies, they are sexually stimulating themselves to pleasure.)
8. In adulthood, men generally forget this about their own physiological experiences and assume because they are seemingly simultaneous, orgasm and ejaculation, they must be one, the same thing.
9. And two, that they always have to be together. Men can orgasm, multiple times in fact, continuously, without ejaculating. in fact it’s healthier. Think of them as two highway ramps on top of one another. Cars can go along either one but it isn’t necessary for the ejaculation ramp to be at the same speed as the arriving orgasm one.

Back to anal penetration.

1. Now that you understand the constant flux an aroused penis is going through you can see the crux of the issue. It isn’t always a fully erect penis or a completely relaxed interior/exterior muscled anus that is being co-joined to be penetrated. You could have a penis in Transition but not Full Erection or a tight interior anal muscle group that isn’t fully relaxed. It takes mental patience to distinguish what is going on with one’s body, a partner’s body and time the interaction, and therefore optimal erection time to penetrate a relaxed, accessible anus.
2. Lots of protein and green leafy vegetables help with the cleaning out of blood vessels so that can aid in a firmer erection. All leaning to bring one’ s self to fuller arousal and transition without aiming for full erection, gets the blood flowing to focus to a harder full erection.

In conclusion, it’s both the pressure, mental and physical.

The Definitive Guide to Pleasuring Tops, Bottoms and Versatiles: A Guide for Bi, Gay, Omnisexual and Same Gender Loving Men (4th Edition)

2021 EDITION Information captured from hundreds of workshops with men, surveys and in person counseling sessions, this book outlines what men who have sex with men like, feel, want and the sensations and actions that lead to pleasure. Includes Bonus Book: Mastering Online Dating! This book in the...

https://amzn.to/3jJyIxk

Multiple Orgasm Training for Men: A Guide for Bi, Gay, Omnisexual, Straight and Same Gender Loving Men

2020 EDITION w/ MORE UPDATES! "Your sexuality is good natural and divinely right. Once you define it you have the right to explore and enhance it. Now it's time for you to reach the pinnacle of your sexual abilities."---Kyle Phoenix This book in the Kyle Phoenix Series focuses on multip...

https://amzn.to/3MbZk6h

#KylePhoenix

#TheKylePhoenixShow

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Why do certain gay men bareback? by Kyle Phoenix

 The Five Reasons Why Men Report Barebacking

Unsafe Sex-Barebacking

There are very few expectations as an MSM. And if you’re a man of color there are even less expectations for you. You’re doing something that will resonate not only throughout your own life but the lives of those around you.

Expectations and Being Needed by Society

To that end, the world needs you around for as long as possible. If you’ve been infected with an STD then you have to maintain your health, take your medication, invest time in stress reducing exercise, immune system building foods and mental clarification with a therapist if need be, but make no mistake, your community, whether that’s the Black community, the Latino community, the human community needs you in it. We need your wisdom, your grace, your humor, your life testimony so doesn’t check out or reduce yourself to not caring. It’s wholly appropriate to tell a Good Man a few dates into a relationship about your infection, before you become sexual. Some will decide not to engage; some will engage further. That is their fundamental human right. Again we live on Earth, not Fair but exampling yourself as a Good Man means that you stand in integrity and give someone that option in the faithful knowing that all of the things about you are greater than a disease/infection and that the Good Man for you will accept that as one of the elements of your life, as he decides to merge your lives together.

STD Infected and Barebacking

If you’re not infected with anything, that’s a great thing. In fact, it’s not often said enough how good of a thing that is. With all of the non-profit organizations and programs and medicines and initiatives---a man can feel like there are only two categories for him as an MSM---infected and about to be infected. Infection, STD’s, weakened immune systems, medications, is not your sexualities birthright, expectation nor outcome. You, being conscious, listening to your intuition about sex partners, asking questions, using protection have maintained your physical integrity and should feel no shame in that nor pressure to “act wild”. It’s important though for you not to become susceptible to one of the factors that bring about unsafe sex.

Reason 1: Anger/Self-Destructive/Fatalism

Universally accepted, however you choose to perceive sexualities outside of homosexuality, there is a greater chance for depression. I have a whole series of blogs and YouTube videos and TV shows about it it's so prevalent with MSM

Shame, different from guilt, turned inward becomes depression and self-destructive behavior. Shame turned outward can manifest itself as destructive actions towards others. Essentially I don't like myself, I don't agree with my lot in life, I'm assuming that my sexual identity and "normal" society will never jive together, I'm alone, I'm hurting, I feel alienated and ostracized so why practice safe sex?

Reason 2: Pleasure seeking/Risk Taking/Escapism

Sex, around for hundreds of thousands of years for humans, is fun. It can be adventurous, stimulating, relaxing, intense, intimate and the prospect of having to stop for: THE SCIENCE OF SAFE SEX---(“Excuse me one second as I was nibbling your inner thigh we are at the pre-penetrative stage, let me lean over, bend down, roll over there, open the drawer, my pocket, your pocket, that box get the condom packet out, open it, get the lube, put the condom on, a little dab of lube within more lube within you anally, lube then onto the condom------okay, where were we?”)

Not easy, pleasant or romantic. It's easier to be wild with this incredibly passionate hottie (known or unknown) who you've had a crush on for a while or a night or who you've been dating for a week or a year and just be close, be free, be spontaneous! Because passion, the passion of touching you, being touched by me, the smell of you next to me and your lips, oh, God, your lips!!!!!!!----there's no time! Take me! Take me!!!! Reason be damned!!!!

Reason 3: Intimacy Needs/Rational Choice Making

Human beings, especially those who believe they are (infatuation, intense attraction, lust) or are in love, want and assume this is the Forever Love. Or this is the true love. This is the good love. Let's ratchet it back from love and say I tell you I'm negative, you promise me you are and you're trustworthy, right and so am I. We're not like those others. We're both employed, rational, respectable, employed, educated, loving people. We can be close without a condom. In fact, our love, or just our humanness needs to feel closer, no barriers, no artificiality between us.

I love you. I really, really do. I would never intentionally hurt you. I loves you, Porgy. I want to feel you. Don't you want to feel me?

Reason 4: Erroneous Perception of Risk

Look at what great shape he's in. Look at what great shape I'm in. You can tell when someone is infected. Their skin seems ashen or glistens or has less collagen. The meds do that to them. But you, you look like the perfect specimen of health. There's no possible way you could be HIV+ at your age, you're too young. I can tell just from sight. I didn't think some of the things we were doing, just rubbing that against this, just a little bit of insertion, just oral was risky.

Reason 5: Erectile Related Dysfunction.

• Condoms don't fit me right,
• Condoms are too tight.
• I'm allergic to condoms.
• I can't stay hard/maintain an erection with a condom on.
• I can't get hard in a condom.

I wrote a magazine cover story on AIDS, it was a big thing getting the cover to be in color, red, the AIDS ribbon as I was spinning off of an AIDS conference that was occurring in Buffalo. A year or so later a former girlfriend of a lover came up infected. Ok, she was a bit of an----------extremely sexually liberated, physically and sexually generous young woman with a lot of young men and older men that garnered her a with a very public and sexualized…...reputation. (Yeah, I could've worked that out with just one word like slut but let us not judge the past or people/women’s sexual activity.)

Around the same time my mother's close friend, Walter died of HIV related complications. They'd known each other close to a decade and it left a deep impression on her, even surrounding funerals and death. My mother was very vocal/engaging around safe sex, afraid that I would become infected, that I was infected, that infection was only a hairs breadth away. Suddenly from my teens through college years, HIV wasn't simply TV public service announcements,

Red Hot CD compilations, and free condoms in night clubs, it was really, really real. Then I started volunteering places in, seeing death upfront---a guy, a nice guy was here today, gone tomorrow and I thought about the future, my future. I thought about marriage and children. I thought about ok, I might meet a partner who was HIV+----would I maintain the relationship long-term or just find a way to fade to black within a date or two?

Logically, statistically, even if my sexual partners had reported as negative (or thought they were) I'd been sexual with someone who was HIV+ or they may've had the other multitude of STIs. Most importantly to me---children. How would I parent children if I was sexually negligent around risk? Biologically parent children first (yes, I know there are other options) but then what about child rearing? How long did I want and need my own parents in my life? How long would my children need me? If the outside range of HIV survival is 20+ years and I were to get infected in my 20s or 30s wasn’t I then also voluntarily perpetuating the usually social force of men of color dying early? Is unsafe sex a way of men of color being removed from the community, their community that needs them during their highest wage earning/educational/potentiality fulfillment years, regardless of their sexuality?

I know, a lot to think about, right?

Here I am, brown as the floor, safe sexing it, in LTRs because of the future. Because to some degree my family, my children, not wanting to impact my parents negatively, not wanting to be absent in my community, not be able to give of my skills over a long period of time.

When THE SCIENCE OF SAFE SEX moments happen for me---what flashes through my mind what makes me crack jokes and try to make what is the oddest commercial break on my personal passionate moments---are the above reasons.

Take safe sex in stride, it’s the norm for humans to have to deal with. Like the weather. But don’t allow the crushing weight of the 5 Reasons convince you that it’s not a normal part of the game or that you should drop out. I challenge you to be a Good Man and stay in the Game, stay in the fight, stay in the struggle of being conscious because, we, the world, need you.

Shame is “I am bad.”

Guilt is “I did something bad/wrong.”

#KylePhoenix