Have gay men ever felt sexually violated during consensual sex? by Kyle Phoenix

Often there must be a clear negotiation between us, me and them because what turns him on may actually be painful, intrusive or unwanted.

I've been bitten.
I've had fingers inserted, jammed, unpleasantly prodded.
I've had one guy start to grunt, "Yeah, nigger. Like that, nigger?". (Luckily he was Black and when I checked him he admitted he was trying to be more intense, he thought such rough language was the way.)
I've been insulted. Not every rainbow is polite .

I can gratefully say all this was ten, fifteen years ago in my early twenties. Developing not just Voice, from Agency, but Sexual Voice takes time. In some instances the internet is useful for discussing boundaries and heading crazy off at the pass. Some men conflate pain, aggression, destructiveness to passion because they assume like body means like mind. While I have taught every fetish workshop from frottage to bdsm to real hardcore stuff, I've discovered that knowing everything doesn't mean interest. Don't get me wrong, I've tried a lot, might do some more in the future, but I have a clear Sexual Voice now----yes, no, stop that, never, get out.

There is a fear men never talk about that each same sex encounter, I think because of social isolation in early years, will be the last. So everything must be done, swallowed, extreme, without thinking that really in fetishes and bdsm you get there in stages with a trusted partner. No internet hookup that involves a cattle-prod ever ended well.

I tell most partners to relax. Fear of lack and performance are big. There are stages to arousal and therefore the penis will not be marble hard for hours. And you're still a man.  The ones who try to be deliberately hurtful it's easy enough to spot and cut off early. I've given up on trying to convert as I'll never fulfill the far end of their desires.

I'm often saddened when I see great guys online or in person and they're committed to barebacking due to PRep, disregarding other STDs, or the concern of infecting another being. To some, an unfulfilled intimacy layer in their lives has made them predators who don’t care if they infect. That's scary. It feels further along the spectrum of finding unattainable straight men attractive and what if they sense it and react badly, that many of us grew up with----I remember marveling at the amazing shape my father was in and realize now oh, I was so nervous around him because I had a crush on him....to few of msm because they might not care enough to warn me about an infection they might carry.

Relationships become respites from the war zone of mix and match sanity men.

I can offer that the absence of women and revulsion of the effeminate doesn't teach msm how to be gentle, nurturing, kind to men they like. I often surprise men with affection that isn't aggressive, they freak out.
"How dare you like/love me?!" They're poised for battle, even sexually, aggressively.

#KylePhoenix