I Am Really A Woman...Sort of. Or I Was...Probably by Kyle Phoenix

You know what really pisses me the fuck off?
The excessive, constant, puerile, incessant, rabid professing of MSM (or bi, gay, omni, sgl, straight---pick a stick to skew on) who go on and on and on and on about how masculine they are.  How absolutely completely and thoroughly they are the epitome of masculinity.
God, they're annoying and irritating.
Actually they're closer to boring.
Don't get me wrong, there are men (and some women...like Rosie O'Donnell (I'm still tripping on the act that the world reacted when she came out...was that really a secret?  Terry McMillan.  I'd say more on Terry's....masculine strength energy but I'm afraid one day she might...you know...kick my ass. Go all Furiosa on me like I was trying to stop the breast milk tanker or something. Digression....)
MSM have fallen into this rabbit hole, like K hole but not as interesting as to how you go there, about I'm a man.  Which reminds me of the little boy in my FAVORITE movie (okay, one of my Top Three Films---if I told you several of the others on the Top ten list, you'd get nervous about me.  terry McMillan nervous.) Gloria, starring Gena Rowlands.  She's basically a washed up mob moll living in a Bronx building who is charged with protecting a smart aleck Puerto Rican kid as the mob tries to kill him.  She doesn't like him.  i can relate, I'm a teacher.  I love children.  Children, under 12 once ran me out of a classroom after I tried to teach them math for 4 hours.  There's a reason why I teach adults...  But I do love children.  Some kids.  Not everybody kids.  Not gangs of kids all the time.  Sometimes, not all the times.
But I relate to Gloria in the movie who tries to fob off the kid, push him away and then when the wolves come for him, when the mob guys explain that they're going to take him and do away with him because of what he might of seen, kill him....SHE GOES THE FUCK OFF ON THEM (in silk Ungaro!!)

I have known since I was a child that I would die for a child, for children.  If there was a truck barreling down the road, a kid in the street---no hesitation, I would gladly, almost gleefully honor my self, my creator, knock the kid out of the way and take death.
I would also kill for children.

Not for some bullshit patriotic, jerk off jingoistic patriarchal fantasy of hegemony oppression and domination---I eschew CNN, war talk, Iraq bullshit, war films (I never go to war films---ok, one Tears of The Sun---Bruce Willis---because of my double crush on him and Monica Belluci---and the fact that as contrived and heartstring pulling as the film is, he won't leave the Africans behind---kids, women, etc..  I saw it three times in the theater, cried each time.)

I spew the above because it's a feminine growl, roar within me.  Now I'm over 6 feet tall, I've sounded like James Earl Jones since the third grade (freaking out teachers, allowing me to be truant and call up schools and pretend to be my stepfather and get the lead of Santa Claus once as a 10 year old), I've exercised, jogged, run marathons, lifted weights, done Ashtanga yoga---hurt my knees, went and got a Pepsi and plan out Haagen Daz because pffft, come on---I'm gonna eat the whole pint in a sitting---all of this had lead to my playing between 200 and 250lbs for about 20 years (there was a brief stint in undergrad when I got moving/exercising, like a lot,m and got down to 170lbs.  People thought I was dying.  But ironically I also had dreds down to my ass (I'd like to formally throw out that I was the first to weave in a colored---like Kool Aid red or white dred---red for passion, for being a phoenix, white for sageness, for wisdom learned---yeah, I've been....interesting over the years.)  I'm a big, manly, Alpha by testosterone balance (yeah I actually know that---look up the Alpha Beta test on here), deep voiced, honestly, hung (no, I've never measured; when asked I tell people I focused instead on becoming a man rather than measuring appendages that my atelier doesn't have to make regular clothing adjustments for), I've only been mugged once in Brooklyn at 16 because I ignored my instincts and walked into the Chinese restaurant that a gang was sitting in....  I've been in a few fists fights, one in the past few years when someone got lippy with me in my house, my house!---I will fuck you up if you come for me, but all of that masculine energy stuff?

It's high end feminine energy.

Now let me clarify.  I don't like shopping with women for stuff (though I have a good fashion eye I like to think); I don't like frilly, weak, girly-girl stuff or women for that matter; I detest misogyny.

Remember Madge Sinclair?

That kind of Queenly feminine energy?
That's what I feel inside.
I feel it from the perspective, the heaviness of a Queen, a ruler, sovereign.
I have always elected since I was child that I am sovereign unto myself.
I will never meet the Queen of England...because like Ava Gardner, I'll  never kneel before another bitch.

It gets scarier.

My mother nicknamed me a Grade A Cunt when i was about 16 because in arguments, attitude and demeanor---champagne tastes (Emporio Armani!) I was really a bit much.  I probably said something scathing.

I remember looking in a full length mirror in my bedroom when I was 15, completely naked and thinking.  Oh, this time I'm male.  Okay, I can work with that.  At several tarot card readers they told me that this is my first time being male, all my previous lives I've been female.  My godmother of 20 years agrees and in fact added that I struggle (?) with weight because I relate to my body subconsciously as a woman would, not as a man would.  Lean is not in my future.,...unless you know...I'm dying.  And then, I'm gonna go hard on Popeyes and cake and ice cream and steak and lobster and Alfredo and bbq ribs, chicken, beef----oh, God I'm salivating.




 I tend to intimidate people.  I accept this now.  I didn't before, I think that's where I got the Disease to Please flu from.  I used to be so careful with people.  I even used to modulate the volume of my voice so I wouldn't frighten small children, women, men, dogs, adults, cars.

I'm not interested in you know voguing and I only have done "drag" once in college for a Halloween masquerade ball at Swarthmore.  I looked like a lighter Viola Davis.  For me the thrill was wondering around Philly for a month picking out just the right outfit and shoes.  Once I dressed up, after two hours I was bored with it, as only someone who'd done it for hundreds of years previously could be.

Sexually?  You know you smutty thinkers were wondering if I'd go all proclamation of the art of big boy bottoming and wanting my walls knocked out and having my drum beat.  Ummm, no, not my position of preference.  But I like to think my spiritual feminine self awareness has made me a better lover---no complaints, cash, gifts, 4 year college education, apartments---offered, so I must be doing something or someone, man or woman, right, right?  Me and Madonna and boytoys---we're right there.  I'm that kind of feminine energy...until you know maybe a King shows up...but they haven't.  actually the Kings who do show up tend be straight and wish I were a woman.  Good friends but no romance there.  So I content myself with good sexy men who I hope will be good, protective parents to my children---I fully expect to always make more money than them.  Supposedly there are two contextualizations you can fall into as a parent psychically---the one who wants to be home with the kids or the one who envisions themselves supporting the household.  Guess which one I see myself as?  I always see myself as holding children as I step down the stairway of an airplane...okay, a private plan.  Sunglasses.  Yeah, I'm that kind of bitch.





However I believe it's just energetic switch hitting, there are masculine things about myself that I like---the height.  Short people are funny.  Being paid more.  Being able to walk unmolested by comment or hands on streets, night or day (except you know, in the deep South or by certain police stations...though my brief stint in jail?  I was safe.  And well regarded by the male prisoners and guards.  I ran that bitch and was only challenged by another big Black man who said he was calling me out to stop fucking with them so much---that's a whole other tale...)

I love my Pashmina scarves.  I have like 100.  I like men's shoes and boots that have a good, solid heel on them though.  I rarely wear sneakers or flats, I have trouble walking without a heel.  Go figure.  And no, I have no transsexual yearnings or desire.  I've had several trans friends, even wrote the book (tranny by Kyle Phoenix on Amazon---shameless plug) so I know that trope inside out.  No desire there to cut, fold, tuck, invert or insert artificial anything, ever.  Though, Seinfeld-yes, there's nothing wrong with that, in my opinion.

I stop and look in store windows wistfully and think if I were a woman I'd rock the hell out of that.  But curiously I have no desire to you know buy the outfit and stumble through the Village like Jeffrey Tambor in Transparent or anything.  Never have.  That long ago Halloween was my last foray.  Though I have a killer gender bender costume in mind from a Gustav Klimt painting.

Ok, the point of my digital rant was to encourage you to embrace your spirit.  Feminine or masculine, it's expression and not try to hide or downplay the feminine.  The feminine energy within me has allowed me to nurse my grandmother as she died, counsel friends through pain and death, change my ailing mother's diapers and wash her body with such care and affection that she complimented me that I really knew how to care for a female body because she no longer could.  I've cradled children and comforted them and run out onto the street once when teenagers were bullying a preteen girl and her brother with a ferocity and furiosa that it seemed like they were my children.  I've sat on the train with a drunken young lady in the corner of my eye, as marauding men surrounded her, and I growled at them, I let them know that there was a lionness seated a few feet nearby, not a accomplice, who would rend them, tear them to protect her, a stranger.  I've been gentle with dumb men.  I've been loving with men who have never felt loved.  I've leaned into a young woman's face and told her to get the fuck up, to not snivel and cower and cry, to not embarrass us, the feminine, because she was more than her pain.  I suppose I teach with the feminine, with a loving, stern, patience and deliberation to fulfill my life's mission: To free my people.

I don't think feminine is better or worse than masculine, male or female, I think that whole war of the sexes argument, discussion is trivial bullshit too.  I think we have work to do on Earth and I don't have time to measure cocks to clits.

Embrace yourself.
I do.
I am sovereign unto myself.



Smile, Kyle

Reincarnation???

10 Life Lessons People Will Learn In Their 20s on the Kyle Phoenix Blog

There are so many lessons I wish I had learned while I was young enough to appreciate and applythem. The thing with wisdom, and often with life lessons in general, is that they’re learned in retrospect, long after we needed them. The good news is that other people can benefit from our experiences and the lessons we’ve learned.

Some life lessons people learn early on

1. Money will NEVER solve your real problems

Money is a tool; a commodity that buys you necessities and some nice “wants,” but it is not the panacea to your problems. There are a great many people who are living on very little, yet have wonderfully full and happy lives… and there are sadly a great many people are living on quite a lot, yet have terribly miserable lives.

Money can buy a nice home, a great car, fabulous shoes, even a bit of security and some creature comforts, but it cannot fix a broken relationship, or cure loneliness, and the “happiness” it brings is only fleeting and not the kind that really and truly matters.  Happiness is not for sale. If you’re expecting the “stuff” you can buy to “make it better,” you will never be happy.

2. Pace yourself

Often when we’re young, just beginning our adult journey we feel as though we have to do everything at once. We need to decide everything, plan out our lives, experience everything, get to the top, find true love, figure out our life’s purpose, and do it all at the same time.

Slow down—don’t rush into things. Let your life unfold. Wait a bit to see where it takes you, and take time to weigh your options. Enjoy every bite of food, take time to look around you, let the other person finish their side of the conversation. Allow yourself time to think, to mull a bit. Taking action is critical. Working towards your goals and making plans for the future is commendable and often very useful, but rushing full-speed ahead towards anything is a one-way ticket to burnout and a good way to miss your life as it passes you by.

3. You can’t please everyone

“I don’t know the secret to success, but the secret to failure is trying to please everyone” – Bill Cosby.

You don’t need everyone to agree with you or even like you. It’s human nature to want to belong, to be liked, respected and valued, but not at the expense of your integrity and happiness. Other people cannot give you the validation you seek. That has to come from inside. Speak up, stick to your guns, assert yourself when you need to, demand respect, stay true to your values.

4. Your health is your most valuable asset

Health is an invaluable treasure—always appreciate, nurture, and protect it. Good health is often wasted on the young before they have a chance to appreciate it for what it’s worth. We tend to take our good health for granted, because it’s just there. We don’t have to worry about it, so we don’t really pay attention to it… until we have to. Heart disease, bone density, stroke, many cancers—the list of many largely preventable diseases is long, so take care of your health now, or you’ll regret it later on.

5. You don’t always get what you want

“Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.” – John Lennon

No matter how carefully you plan and how hard you work, sometimes things just don’t work out the way you want them to… and that’s ok. We have all of these expectations; predetermined visions of what our “ideal” life will look like, but all too often, that’s not the reality of the life we end up with.  Sometimes our dreams fail and sometimes we just change our minds mid-course. Sometimes we have to flop to find the right course and sometimes we just have to try a few things before we find the right direction.

6. It’s not all about you

You are not the epicenter of the universe. It’s very difficult to view the world from a perspective outside of your own, since we are always so focused on what’s happening in our own lives. What do I have to do today? What will this mean for me, for my career, for my life? What do I want? It’s normal to be intensely aware of everything that’s going on in your own life, but you need to pay as much attention to what’s happening around you, and how things affect other people in the world as you do to your own life. It helps to keep things in perspective.

7. There’s no shame in not knowing

No one has it all figured out. Nobody has all the answers. There’s no shame in saying “I don’t know.” Pretending to be perfect doesn’t make you perfect. It just makes you neurotic to keep up the pretense of manufactured perfection. We have this idea that there is some kind of stigma or shame in admitting our limitations or uncertainly, but we can’t possibly know everything. We all make mistakes and mess up occasionally. We learn as we go, that’s life. Besides—nobody likes a know-it-all. A little vulnerability makes you human and oh so much more relatable.

8. Love is more than a feeling; it’s a choice

That burst of initial exhilaration, pulse quickening love and passion does not last long. But that doesn’t mean long-lasting love is not possible. Love is not just a feeling; it’s a choice that you make every day. We have to choose to let annoyances pass, to forgive, to be kind, to respect, to support, to be faithful. Relationships take work. Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it’s incredibly hard, but it is up to us to choose how we want to act, think and speak in a relationship.

9. Perspective is a beautiful thing

Typically, when we’re worried or upset, it’s because we’ve lost perspective. Everything that is happening in our lives seems so big, so important, so do or die, but in the grand picture, this single hiccup often means next to nothing. The fight we’re having, the job we didn’t get, the real or imagined slight, the unexpected need to shift course, the thing we wanted, but didn’t get. Most of it won’t matter 20, 30, 40 years from now. It’s hard to see long term when all you know is short term, but unless it’s life-threatening, let it go, and move on.

10. Don’t take anything for granted

We often don’t appreciate what we have until it’s gone: that includes your health, your family and friends, your job, the money you have or think you will have tomorrow. When you’re young, it seems that your parents will always be there, but they won’t. You think you have plenty of time to get back in touch with your old friends or spend time with new ones, but you don’t. You have the money to spend, or you think you’ll have it next month, but you might not. Nothing in your life is not guaranteed to be there tomorrow, including those you love.

This is a hard life lesson to learn, but it may be the most important of all: Life can change in an instant. Make sure you appreciate what you have, while you still have it.