Why do people fall in love? on The #KylePhoenix Blog

Marcelo S.L. Fernandes, B.A. Industrial Engineering, Texas Tech University (2022)

You fall in love with those who scare you the most.

And simultaneously, those who you admire the most.

As comedian Whitney Cummings once wrote, “My definition of ‘love’ is being willing to die for someone who you yourself want to kill. That, in my experience, is kind of the deal.”

Likes attract likes. You attract to yourself reflections of that which you are.

This is one of the laws of consciousness, “like goes to like”. Whereas bitterness attracts bitterness, love attracts love. As the spiritual teacher, David R. Hawkins once wrote, “Everything you see happening is the consequence of that which you are.”

It is for this reason that all of your relationships are a mirror into your soul. They are reflections of you who you are and/or who you are trying to be.

If you are sensitive and are constantly victimizing yourself, then you will fall for someone who has a strong character and won’t give you any sympathy for your victim complex.

Or if you are determined and an achiever, you can fall in love with someone who has a more relaxed attitude to life.

That’s why you experience an attraction for them. You desire to be close enough to them so that you can also begin to think, feel and see the world like them.

They act like an inspiration or a role model for your personal development. They have qualities in them that you want to embody because you have those qualities repressed deep into your subconscious.

The people who you fall in love are those who challenge and stir up emotions in you so that you can learn important lessons about your fears and core wounds.

They scrape your wounds and push your buttons to reveal the aspects within yourself that still need to be brought into the open so that they can be healed.

Bob Marley once said that “We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems — the ones that make you truly who you are — that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: it’s got to be the right wrong person — someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

You, me and everyone else is looking for that special person who is wrong for you in just the right way. Who has problems that you wouldn’t mind grappling with.

But other times, falling love can suck. “Relationship is self-revelation; it is because we do not want to be revealed to ourselves that we run away and hide in comfort,” as Indian philosopher Krishnamurti once said.

Its only in a relationship that you can know yourself. For a relationship is a mirror into which you discover yourself, your triggers, your selfishness, your fears, and wounds. You are exposing yourself to another person, and that discomforts you. Instead of using that self-exposure to bring clarity and peace, you seek comfort and gratification instead.

You decide to distort the mirror instead. To look for what you want to look, to see what you want to see. To see things as you want them to be, not for what it truly is.

So when your relationship exposes more of yourself than you want to see, you emotionally cut off the other person from your life. You get rid of anyone who reflects parts of you that you don’t want to see. That you don’t have the balls to face.

Between love and self-preservation you choose self-preservation. Because love goes to where you are most scared. And for most, that’s too uncomfortable. Better to wear a mask instead.

You search for those who will validate the parts of yourself that you enjoy the most. You are like the witch from Snow White, asking “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?... “ Surrounding yourself with dishonest mirrors.

So begin to open yourself to those who you fall in love with, and realize that they are mirroring back at you parts of yourself that you need to address.

You are not just you, you’re also what you could be. As author Martin Kipp once said, “What you desire is deliberately placed out of reach so that you can become the person it takes to obtain it.”

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Kyle Phoenix is a teacher, certified adult educator, sexologist, sex coach and sexuality educator with over two decades of intensive experience. He studied at the University at Buffalo, SUNY, New York University, and Columbia University. He has worked, consulted and taught individuals and focused professional developments for the CDC, Department of Education, Gay Men's Health Crisis, New York City Department of Health, non-profits, Fortune 500 companies and unions. He began his career facilitating on-campus workshops addressing a wide range of sexuality and sexual health issues and then moved on to teaching at universities, non-profits, private groups and clients, hosting The Kyle Phoenix Show on television and multiple online webinars, including YouTube and Sclipo and writing extensively through his blog, Special Reports, articles and other print and E books in the Kyle Phoenix Series on relationships, finance, education, spirituality and culture. He lives in New York with his family.

www.kylephoenix.com

Smile, Kyle
KylePhoenixShow@Gmail.com

#KylePhoenix
#TheKylePhoenixShow

The Kyle Phoenix Show 

 LIVE STREAMING on MNN.org 1130pm, Spectrum Cable Manhattan, NY 

Channel 56 & 1996, also FIOS 34 and RCN 83. 

You can Like or; Follow Us on Facebook or;Twitter

Or Click Below to:

·                     Stay In Touch with Kyle Phoenix by receiving updates, newsletters and free gifts by clicking HERE 

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Kyle Phoenix Answers What do you like sexually?

I've taught and wrote books for men around tantric sex for over a decade now. My most crowded workshops are multiple orgasm training for men. And therefore personally I've practiced for years what I preach. Anything under two or three hours of sex is a wasted time in my opinion. I've gone as long as eight to ten hours, taking short breaks for snacks showers, run an errand. Native tribes have sex rituals that last for days, those are beautiful.

Alas it is hard to find a man or woman who is this psychically strong. Most homo men try to force an ejaculation out of you like that's the accomplishment or there are cookies burning in the oven.

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10 Life Lessons People Will Learn In Their 20s on the Kyle Phoenix Blog

There are so many lessons I wish I had learned while I was young enough to appreciate and applythem. The thing with wisdom, and often with life lessons in general, is that they’re learned in retrospect, long after we needed them. The good news is that other people can benefit from our experiences and the lessons we’ve learned.

Some life lessons people learn early on

1. Money will NEVER solve your real problems

Money is a tool; a commodity that buys you necessities and some nice “wants,” but it is not the panacea to your problems. There are a great many people who are living on very little, yet have wonderfully full and happy lives… and there are sadly a great many people are living on quite a lot, yet have terribly miserable lives.

Money can buy a nice home, a great car, fabulous shoes, even a bit of security and some creature comforts, but it cannot fix a broken relationship, or cure loneliness, and the “happiness” it brings is only fleeting and not the kind that really and truly matters.  Happiness is not for sale. If you’re expecting the “stuff” you can buy to “make it better,” you will never be happy.

2. Pace yourself

Often when we’re young, just beginning our adult journey we feel as though we have to do everything at once. We need to decide everything, plan out our lives, experience everything, get to the top, find true love, figure out our life’s purpose, and do it all at the same time.

Slow down—don’t rush into things. Let your life unfold. Wait a bit to see where it takes you, and take time to weigh your options. Enjoy every bite of food, take time to look around you, let the other person finish their side of the conversation. Allow yourself time to think, to mull a bit. Taking action is critical. Working towards your goals and making plans for the future is commendable and often very useful, but rushing full-speed ahead towards anything is a one-way ticket to burnout and a good way to miss your life as it passes you by.

3. You can’t please everyone

“I don’t know the secret to success, but the secret to failure is trying to please everyone” – Bill Cosby.

You don’t need everyone to agree with you or even like you. It’s human nature to want to belong, to be liked, respected and valued, but not at the expense of your integrity and happiness. Other people cannot give you the validation you seek. That has to come from inside. Speak up, stick to your guns, assert yourself when you need to, demand respect, stay true to your values.

4. Your health is your most valuable asset

Health is an invaluable treasure—always appreciate, nurture, and protect it. Good health is often wasted on the young before they have a chance to appreciate it for what it’s worth. We tend to take our good health for granted, because it’s just there. We don’t have to worry about it, so we don’t really pay attention to it… until we have to. Heart disease, bone density, stroke, many cancers—the list of many largely preventable diseases is long, so take care of your health now, or you’ll regret it later on.

5. You don’t always get what you want

“Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.” – John Lennon

No matter how carefully you plan and how hard you work, sometimes things just don’t work out the way you want them to… and that’s ok. We have all of these expectations; predetermined visions of what our “ideal” life will look like, but all too often, that’s not the reality of the life we end up with.  Sometimes our dreams fail and sometimes we just change our minds mid-course. Sometimes we have to flop to find the right course and sometimes we just have to try a few things before we find the right direction.

6. It’s not all about you

You are not the epicenter of the universe. It’s very difficult to view the world from a perspective outside of your own, since we are always so focused on what’s happening in our own lives. What do I have to do today? What will this mean for me, for my career, for my life? What do I want? It’s normal to be intensely aware of everything that’s going on in your own life, but you need to pay as much attention to what’s happening around you, and how things affect other people in the world as you do to your own life. It helps to keep things in perspective.

7. There’s no shame in not knowing

No one has it all figured out. Nobody has all the answers. There’s no shame in saying “I don’t know.” Pretending to be perfect doesn’t make you perfect. It just makes you neurotic to keep up the pretense of manufactured perfection. We have this idea that there is some kind of stigma or shame in admitting our limitations or uncertainly, but we can’t possibly know everything. We all make mistakes and mess up occasionally. We learn as we go, that’s life. Besides—nobody likes a know-it-all. A little vulnerability makes you human and oh so much more relatable.

8. Love is more than a feeling; it’s a choice

That burst of initial exhilaration, pulse quickening love and passion does not last long. But that doesn’t mean long-lasting love is not possible. Love is not just a feeling; it’s a choice that you make every day. We have to choose to let annoyances pass, to forgive, to be kind, to respect, to support, to be faithful. Relationships take work. Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it’s incredibly hard, but it is up to us to choose how we want to act, think and speak in a relationship.

9. Perspective is a beautiful thing

Typically, when we’re worried or upset, it’s because we’ve lost perspective. Everything that is happening in our lives seems so big, so important, so do or die, but in the grand picture, this single hiccup often means next to nothing. The fight we’re having, the job we didn’t get, the real or imagined slight, the unexpected need to shift course, the thing we wanted, but didn’t get. Most of it won’t matter 20, 30, 40 years from now. It’s hard to see long term when all you know is short term, but unless it’s life-threatening, let it go, and move on.

10. Don’t take anything for granted

We often don’t appreciate what we have until it’s gone: that includes your health, your family and friends, your job, the money you have or think you will have tomorrow. When you’re young, it seems that your parents will always be there, but they won’t. You think you have plenty of time to get back in touch with your old friends or spend time with new ones, but you don’t. You have the money to spend, or you think you’ll have it next month, but you might not. Nothing in your life is not guaranteed to be there tomorrow, including those you love.

This is a hard life lesson to learn, but it may be the most important of all: Life can change in an instant. Make sure you appreciate what you have, while you still have it.