Marcelo S.L. Fernandes, B.A. Industrial Engineering, Texas Tech University (2022)
You fall in love with those who scare you the most.
And simultaneously, those who you admire the most.
As comedian Whitney Cummings once wrote, “My definition of ‘love’ is being willing to die for someone who you yourself want to kill. That, in my experience, is kind of the deal.”
Likes attract likes. You attract to yourself reflections of that which you are.
This is one of the laws of consciousness, “like goes to like”. Whereas bitterness attracts bitterness, love attracts love. As the spiritual teacher, David R. Hawkins once wrote, “Everything you see happening is the consequence of that which you are.”
It is for this reason that all of your relationships are a mirror into your soul. They are reflections of you who you are and/or who you are trying to be.
If you are sensitive and are constantly victimizing yourself, then you will fall for someone who has a strong character and won’t give you any sympathy for your victim complex.
Or if you are determined and an achiever, you can fall in love with someone who has a more relaxed attitude to life.
That’s why you experience an attraction for them. You desire to be close enough to them so that you can also begin to think, feel and see the world like them.
They act like an inspiration or a role model for your personal development. They have qualities in them that you want to embody because you have those qualities repressed deep into your subconscious.
The people who you fall in love are those who challenge and stir up emotions in you so that you can learn important lessons about your fears and core wounds.
They scrape your wounds and push your buttons to reveal the aspects within yourself that still need to be brought into the open so that they can be healed.
Bob Marley once said that “We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems — the ones that make you truly who you are — that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: it’s got to be the right wrong person — someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”
You, me and everyone else is looking for that special person who is wrong for you in just the right way. Who has problems that you wouldn’t mind grappling with.
But other times, falling love can suck. “Relationship is self-revelation; it is because we do not want to be revealed to ourselves that we run away and hide in comfort,” as Indian philosopher Krishnamurti once said.
Its only in a relationship that you can know yourself. For a relationship is a mirror into which you discover yourself, your triggers, your selfishness, your fears, and wounds. You are exposing yourself to another person, and that discomforts you. Instead of using that self-exposure to bring clarity and peace, you seek comfort and gratification instead.
You decide to distort the mirror instead. To look for what you want to look, to see what you want to see. To see things as you want them to be, not for what it truly is.
So when your relationship exposes more of yourself than you want to see, you emotionally cut off the other person from your life. You get rid of anyone who reflects parts of you that you don’t want to see. That you don’t have the balls to face.
Between love and self-preservation you choose self-preservation. Because love goes to where you are most scared. And for most, that’s too uncomfortable. Better to wear a mask instead.
You search for those who will validate the parts of yourself that you enjoy the most. You are like the witch from Snow White, asking “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?... “ Surrounding yourself with dishonest mirrors.
So begin to open yourself to those who you fall in love with, and realize that they are mirroring back at you parts of yourself that you need to address.
You are not just you, you’re also what you could be. As author Martin Kipp once said, “What you desire is deliberately placed out of reach so that you can become the person it takes to obtain it.”
www.kylephoenix.com
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Kyle Phoenix is a teacher, certified adult educator, sexologist, sex coach and sexuality educator with over two decades of intensive experience. He studied at the University at Buffalo, SUNY, New York University, and Columbia University. He has worked, consulted and taught individuals and focused professional developments for the CDC, Department of Education, Gay Men's Health Crisis, New York City Department of Health, non-profits, Fortune 500 companies and unions. He began his career facilitating on-campus workshops addressing a wide range of sexuality and sexual health issues and then moved on to teaching at universities, non-profits, private groups and clients, hosting The Kyle Phoenix Show on television and multiple online webinars, including YouTube and Sclipo and writing extensively through his blog, Special Reports, articles and other print and E books in the Kyle Phoenix Series on relationships, finance, education, spirituality and culture. He lives in New York with his family.
Smile, Kyle
KylePhoenixShow@Gmail.com
#KylePhoenix
#TheKylePhoenixShow
Kyle Phoenix on Facebook and TwitterThe Kyle Phoenix Show LIVE STREAMING on MNN.org 1130pm, Spectrum Cable Manhattan, NY Channel 56 & 1996, also FIOS 34 and RCN 83.
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Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show LIVESTREAM on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) Thursdays 1130pm
Kyle Phoenix is a teacher, certified adult educator, sexologist, sex coach and sexuality educator with over two decades of intensive experience. He studied at the University at Buffalo, SUNY, New York University, and Columbia University. He has worked, consulted and taught individuals and focused professional developments for the CDC, Department of Education, Gay Men's Health Crisis, New York City Department of Health, non-profits, Fortune 500 companies and unions. He began his career facilitating on-campus workshops addressing a wide range of sexuality and sexual health issues and then moved on to teaching at universities, non-profits, private groups and clients, hosting The Kyle Phoenix Show on television and multiple online webinars, including YouTube and Sclipo and writing extensively through his blog, Special Reports, articles and other print and E books in the Kyle Phoenix Series on relationships, finance, education, spirituality and culture. He lives in New York with his family.
www.kylephoenix.com
Smile, Kyle
KylePhoenixShow@Gmail.com
KylePhoenixShow@Gmail.com
#KylePhoenix
#TheKylePhoenixShow
#TheKylePhoenixShow
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