First I will say that I’ve dated (and perhaps loved) a multitude of men who bottomed.
Secondly, I’ll throw out that as an Alpha male I tend to be majority approached by Beta gay men (and the occasional straight Alpha-curious male).
The things that Bottoms would turn someone like me on are not as obvious as they often portray.
You Don’t Have to Keep Telling Me(n)
One Bottom would not stop telling me that he was a bottom, a PowerBottom, a Bottom’s Bottom, leader of the Bottoms, that he liked men (ostensibly me) to penetrate him with preferably, a penis, in his butt. Over and over and over and over. And over. Each and every date. He told me so much, it was a turn off. I couldn’t figure out why he kept telling me. I wasn’t in drag, I wasn’t acting any different than I normally do, i wasn’t making suggestions about his penetrating me. We’d met online—-which I think can be helpful in clarifying Self, expectations, sexual interests, etc so I was clear, our profiles were clear. I was Going Clear on the dates, like a Top Scientologist!
We talked, we met, he knew I was highly educated—-therefore I understood his profile and its’ implications and I spoke the same language as him. His constantly telling me made me uncomfortable because I felt like there was a huge performance bell curve that I was going to be measured on.
Men rarely like to be measured against some Top God who banged you out in high school and then never spoke to you again but you’ve been trying to recreate this penetrative experience, after I’ve had the Porterhouse steak at Bobby Vans.
How about these bags of apples: I’ll fuck you and you fuck me, a few times, and we’ll grade each other on our best days vs. our worst days?
Topping Ain’t Easy
When a man Bottoms he has his own superpower challenges. He has to clean, relax, be present, be active. A Top, me, too——hey #MeTooTop!—- has challenges as well.
Unless you know too much about the male genitalia, like I do, and the 4 stages that a penis goes through—-1-Limp, 2-Arousal, 3-Erect (Hard) and 4-Refractory (bonus Phase is 2.5-Semi Hard) then you’re trying to get to Phase 3 and stay there for the entirety on this penetrative mess.
I, however, knowing the truth of the male appendage recognize that the penis is like a merry go round. Phases 1–4 will come around and around and around throughout the time you’re messing around. It’s only if you have an Ejaculation (not an orgasm, which can be separate or simultaneous with ejaculation—-but they are inherently two separate events) between Phase 3 and 4 that you’re down for the rest count for 20 minutes to an hour depending on age.
Imagine I’m fucking you.
Go ahead. I’ll wait.
Okay, I’m fucking you lovely.
Banging you like a Le Creuset pot and pan on your kitchen floor (imagery….!!!!!).
Back, legs, groin, hips, shoulders—-there’s a lot that I’m moving and coordinating and thrusting and hurling at you…and I’m also throwing all this body thrust at you BUT because of the delicacy of your butt I’m trying not to throw 250lbs of Black man at your ass—-I’m literally trying to focus 250lbs of thrusting mass into a foot of muscle to penetrate, but not pummel you.
Chaotic control is what Topping really is.
The engine, the factory, is at full production and output, but we’re trying to harness all that physical power into a narrow area.
And you, as the bottom, are trying to relax a set of muscles no bigger than a quarter.
And I’m trying to not only hit but enter that quarter sized target…often in the dark with only a condom, lube and general memory of your butt’s attractiveness to keep me going.
Give me a break.
How You Give a Top A Break
Know a multitude of positions.
Do not expect me to hit your lunch somewhere up in your gut. (In all honesty what kind of madness has sex—-gay sex become—-when it’s focused through not simply violence but some sort of destructivity?) I’m not interested in destroying your ass. Again, I’m definitely not interested in destroying your ass. I like asses. I don’t want to break one.
Enjoy a multitude of positions. Don’t just have a favorite go to. Your favorite go to may not work with the above Phases, gravity, my blood pressure or what I can both hurl the thrust of my musculature structure at in a focused 12 inch point.
Be good at massage. Kissing. Touching.
Know that the penis is a merry go around and will go around through several phases with inattention and attention. Do not expect the Staff of Gibraltar for hours on end—-unless you are paying for the Viagra and the potential ER visit when priapism sets in or won’t set off.
Masculinity/Femininity
The above constant mentioning bottoming man also went out of his way—-constantly to tell me how masculine he was, how the sports he played were really full of masculine, straight men despite the rumors (What rumors? I hadn’t known there were rumors. I started listening for these rumors. I still haven’t heard them.) and of course that he was exceptionally masculine. And he was…sort of.
As we dated more and more, he became more and more—-feminine.
But here’s the thing. I was dating a gay guy. I didn't expect (or want) some lumberjack.
Most Tops (15% of the MSM population), who are Alphas not Betas who are Versatile (85% of the MSM population)—-note the distinction—-are not really looking nor expecting lumberjacks to fuck or date or love. The sugar in your tank IS the attraction.
I dated one guy, who showed up to our first date in medieval armor—-that’s not the point—-he was about 5′8, 140lbs and said and espoused his career was very theatrical. A week into dating he finally broke down and revealed to me that the club shows he did included—-wait for it—--drag.
Duh.
Another guy had a very large mouth. Like Godfrey Cambridge wide but he was smaller so it was a little Joker-esque wide. But okay…anyway…so we’re in bed, trying to make magic and the penetration sent him into paroxysms that included his explaining that he felt the Orisha Ochun had descended upon him and released his womanly energies. Ummm, through or because of the thoroughfare of his butt.
Ok.
I tell you this not for insane date bragging rights but they were extreme emotionalized exampling of femininity…and there have been others—-some who looked really masculine and then opened their mouths and butterflies and crinoline flew out.
I get it. I accept it. I generally like the guy, find him physically attractive and really don’t measure extreme feminine attributes because wait for it—-as an Alpha Top—-I find ALL men kind of feminine, except for other Alpha Tops (lumberjacks—-who I don’t want to fuck—-like The Rock.)
Out of Control Femme-Ness
Your mother, your abuelita, your Korean grandmother and your hairstylist BFF are not good examples of womanhood for you to try and treat me through. If I wanted to be with them, I would be with them. Be yourself. Relax. Don’t yell at me the way your mother does your father. Do you know why your father takes it? Because it’s socially inappropriate for him to clock her. Men don’t like being yelled at by other men. It rarely gets you anywhere—-especially if you want him to sexually dominate and fuck you later. No sane man wants to put his cock into a social or psychological blender…twice.
I don’t want to be with a shrew—-being projected through a man.
Hysterical bottoms—-I wrote a book on it there were so many in my workshops and my dating life.
What I think I mean is overly emotional simply to be overly emotional as a communication style and expression of being a Bottom. A boyfriend does not want every bit and piece and nook and cranny of your psyche. Because frankly he (I) may not be on the same wavelength to understand it based upon testosterone and estrogen levels within men, Alphas and Betas.
It’s one of the reasons why men cheat.
The other person is often LESS of whatever you are.. Similar but…less. Less loud, less emotional, less demanding, less, less, less, less.
Now I’ll offer an insight here: gay man don’t have a prototype for how to be and that’s a big thing that straight men get and need in society. Without that prototype they build themselves, their identity, based upon several things that work and don’t work. Your mom, sister and BFF accept you and you’re always the gay fourth wheel.
Cool.
I’m not one of your girlfriends.
Save allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll of that for your special times with them.
Treat your Top like an Academy Award.
We know you have one but you don’t have to trot it around with you, force it to endure events and days and engagements that really don’t fit it.
A Top is not your girlfriend… and probably doesn’t want to be one. I like when a Bottom boyfriend comes back refreshed, perhaps having purged all that EXTRA emotion with other Betas or women who know how to process all of that emotionality about why I didn’t compliment his new shirt.
Bottoms have to consider that a Top is not physically nor emotionally what you’ve seen in the Straight Man model (which Bottoms are constantly trying to find and then get used, abused, tricked, trampled and thrown aside…which creates hysterical bottoms…from their inability to chill the fuck out. And stop seeking the Straight Man they would want if they were a woman. I accept that you’re a man, how about you accept it too? Consider being a MAN for the MAN you’re with even if he’s a Top. If that takes some figuring out, click on to YouTube—-search for videos that teach Learning How To Learn. Watch them. Then apply it to your sexuality. What else were you doing? Tops are avoiding you. Make an effort to be not different but flexible and compromising in your emotional identity and sexuality towards other men.)
That’s what Tops want you to do about everything: chill the fuck out.
Take a moment and think to yourself—-”hmmm, I feel a Level 8 about this” Now notch that down to a Level 5 and your Top can handle that.
Actually, truthfully, that’s how your mom, your sister, your BFF and your abuelita kept men (that and children, social power, property laws, marriage laws and religious expectations—-you have none of those so you’ll have to generate stickiness from insights, awareness and conscious coupling)—-they ratcheted down their womanliness as explosive and instead made it seductive. They had their chatty womanly meltdowns with each other because they recognized it annoyed men. They practiced insight.
I will of course, as a teacher, acknowledge that there’s a whole ball of mental yarn about being a man, being penetrated, trust, intimacy, etc. occurring for a Bottom in this exchange. But this is a Top focused essay, not from my Teaching Equanimity self.
Wonk wahhh.
Seductiveness
Do you know how to be seductive?
Do you know what a Top finds seductive about you?
Ask him.
Generally it’s your kindness, gentleness, patience (with him and others), your care taking, your fun, your silliness, your energy, your flirtatiousness with him
It’s rarely just your ass.
But Bottoms lead with their ass. constantly, and then are surprised when a Top just uses the ass and bounces—-to pay attention to a man who is more emotionally fun and pleasant to be with. Who is comfortable with a Top being thoughtful and protective and giving to.
I know you can pay your rent. I gave you $50 to share my resources with you——as a lion brings a impala back to the cave.
I’m going to tell you a Top secret.
Ready?
All of your asses are pretty much the same.
There’s rarely an ass related move that is so startlingly different that a Top tolerates an insane Bottom due to. A Bottom can be replaced faster than a Top can.
An ass, when you push your penis through first the exterior sphincter and then the interior—-first you’re pressing gently but forcefully (hopefully well lubed) Then there’s a relaxing, a sliding and like a pop you pierce the Interior and a third to half of your penis feels like it’s in a dark, moist space so it’s like a vise at the middle and base of your cock and nothing from the middle to top/crown. But as you pullback, the crown comes back through the interior and the exterior—-more friction.
Did you hear your name in the above paragraph?
You know why?
All asses on men work that way.
Now who the ass is attached to makes it a hotter experience or a regretful one.
Be a fun, engaged, flirtatious lover who wants to share the pleasurable romp that sex and intimacy is.
Not some gay Bottom whose trying to rectify, justify and deify his ass through his ass as an ass.
Chill, baby.
Relax. Breathe. Allow us to penetrate you in healthy, giving ways.
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Kyle Phoenix is a teacher, certified adult educator, sexologist, sex coach and sexuality educator with over two decades of intensive experience. He studied at the University at Buffalo, SUNY, New York University, and Columbia University. He has worked, consulted and taught individuals and focused professional developments for the CDC, Department of Education, Gay Men's Health Crisis, New York City Department of Health, non-profits, Fortune 500 companies and unions. He began his career facilitating on-campus workshops addressing a wide range of sexuality and sexual health issues and then moved on to teaching at universities, non-profits, private groups and clients, hosting The Kyle Phoenix Show on television and multiple online webinars, including YouTube and Sclipo and writing extensively through his blog, Special Reports, articles and other print and E books in the Kyle Phoenix Series on relationships, finance, education, spirituality and culture. He lives in New York with his family.
Smile, Kyle
KylePhoenixShow@Gmail.com
#KylePhoenix
#TheKylePhoenixShow
Kyle Phoenix on Facebook and TwitterThe Kyle Phoenix Show LIVE STREAMING on MNN.org 1130pm, Spectrum Cable Manhattan, NY Channel 56 & 1996, also FIOS 34 and RCN 83.
Or Click Below to:
Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show LIVESTREAM on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) Thursdays 1130pm
Kyle Phoenix is a teacher, certified adult educator, sexologist, sex coach and sexuality educator with over two decades of intensive experience. He studied at the University at Buffalo, SUNY, New York University, and Columbia University. He has worked, consulted and taught individuals and focused professional developments for the CDC, Department of Education, Gay Men's Health Crisis, New York City Department of Health, non-profits, Fortune 500 companies and unions. He began his career facilitating on-campus workshops addressing a wide range of sexuality and sexual health issues and then moved on to teaching at universities, non-profits, private groups and clients, hosting The Kyle Phoenix Show on television and multiple online webinars, including YouTube and Sclipo and writing extensively through his blog, Special Reports, articles and other print and E books in the Kyle Phoenix Series on relationships, finance, education, spirituality and culture. He lives in New York with his family.
www.kylephoenix.com
Smile, Kyle
KylePhoenixShow@Gmail.com
KylePhoenixShow@Gmail.com
#KylePhoenix
#TheKylePhoenixShow
#TheKylePhoenixShow
Or Click Below to:
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