“Dad? Dad, I have a question?” Mateo said as I tucked him into bed.
“Yes? What is it?” I was on the side of his bed, running my hands over his mass of hair, pulling it into a thick braid and tying the end with a ribbon.
“What happens if you die?”
“What? No, Mateo, no, I promise that’s not going to happen.”
“Nana died. Okay, what happens? I’m the oldest so Harry has to follow me, I’m in charge. What do I do?”
“You don’t have to worry about that, I’m fine.”
“No, really, Dad, we need a plan. Before the plan was Stavvy but he’s dead too. Ok, say tomorrow morning I wake up and you and Efe are both dead. Then what?”
“Mateo, don’t say stuff like that.”
“I’m serious, Dad, don’t treat me like a baby. I’m the oldest, I should know what to do. What if the new babies come and you and Efe are upstairs dead? Then what?”
I was flummoxed then nodded at the intensity of my son. “You would call the police, nine-one-one. Like I taught you in case of an emergency. Tell them the problem and don’t hang up the phone.”
“Then what?”
“In my office, in my desk pad, on my desk are Padrino’s number, Ruby’s home number and Amir, Lucia and Neslihan in Turkey. Get the book. I’ll make sure it’s updated. It also has a list of our lawyer and my job, Efe’s job information, the bank we keep our money in.”
“Get the book. Got it,” Mateo nodded. “What else?”
“Harry would probably be very upset so you would have to be very nice to him, hold his hand. Don’t yell at him. If there are babies here, you should make them go into the family room. Give them some food and put on the TV. Don’t open the door for anyone but Ruby or the police or Padrino.”
“Where would we live? Here in the house? I don’t want to move. I like this house and my school.”
“Padrino or one of his daughters, your aunties, or Ruby would stay here for a while, I’m sure. Take care of you. Efe’s parents live in Turkey with Lucia, so they would visit, probably for as long as they could and then they would sit down with Padrino and decide if they could stay here or move you all to Turkey. I hadn’t thought about it before but that’s probably what would happen. I don’t like this conversation, Mateo.”
“I’m a big boy, Dad, I can handle it. What else should I do?”
“Be good to your brother and any other babies, sisters. Be very, very good to them. Know that I have always loved you and am immensely proud of you every single day. Know that wherever I’m at, in Heaven, I’m watching over you, helping you. Do good things, go to school, be a nice man to people. Be smart. Study hard. Work hard. Travel. Is that good enough?”
“Yeah, that’s good, Dad. I have questions sometimes, I like that you answer them and don’t treat me like a baby.”
“I don’t want to scare you with things though, Mateo. Efe and I are very healthy, we’re fine. You won’t have to worry about us dying. It’s a coincidence that Stavros and Nana passed away within months of each other. A coincidence means it’s not connected, it doesn’t mean anything else like something more bad will happen or that you should be worried, okay?”
“I’m not worried. I just needed to know.”
“Is Harry worried?”
“No, he’s sad that they’re dead but he just keeps on talking to them like they aren’t dead. He’s crazy, Dad.”
“He’s not crazy. He’s just processing it in his own way.”
“Is this my process?”
“Asking these questions? Yes, this is your process.”
“People die, Dad, like all the time. Like Stavvy and Nana and people on the news and then kids kill their parents.”
“Are you going to murder us in our sleep, Mateo?” I teased.
“No,” Mateo laughed. “But if you two become zombies, I should kill you both, right? I mean there’s no cure.”
“Yes, you may kill us both if we’re turned into zombies and there’s no cure. You have my permission.”
“Promise?”
“Promise! Good. Sleep time,” I kissed him on the forehead and Mateo hugged me.
“Smooches, Dad.”
“Smooches.”
Addendum:
To answer where I’ve learned about child rearing at, Annette Lareau, the social science teacher has taught me an immense amount about teaching and raising children through her understanding and design of Concerted Cultivation which she goes into extensive detail about in
Death, people close to us, as a discussion, came about because of close relatives and friends dying in a short period of time, months, and having to go to funerals and hospitals and such. So it was swirling around everything. The children have been kind enough to allow me to record or write down for classes or pieces some of the personal discussions we’ve had and share them. I generally don’t, I tend to draw the line in my life at a separation between public-professional and the personal to those that are around and with me but did not or cannot choose to expose themselves in my work the way I do. Which is why often my work does not include absolute current relationships and I change names. I take several layers of security precautions because frankly, folk are crazy.
Secondly, I was an only child so my mother routinely sat me down and explained the vagaries of life and death and money to me when I was his age and younger (9ish). I was about his age when she explained her life insurance policy, that I would probably go to my eldest aunt and not my grandmother due to health issues if anything happened to her. That it was $100,000 and that my aunt would be in charge of the money. But that my aunt had other children and perhaps wasn’t purely trustworthy so I would have to be patient. And on my 18th birthday to find a lawyer and present my accounting of what had occurred in my time with my aunt, financially and demand an audit.
My father was even more pragmatic about things seen, unseen, possible and implausible but potentially possible, so I tend to be a very direct, honest sometimes to a fault or harshness kind of person. I think it’s important to talk to children as short people who are capable of understanding most things in bite-sized chunks if you’re thoughtful about the explanation.
None of my parents, including my grandmother, who openly discussed my possible sexuality at 12, gave me anything but a wealth of their knowledge and access to their understanding of reality.
I have another blunt discussion with both boys that is hilarious, profane and wonderful that I’ll see if there’s an appropriate question to apply it to. Race, profane words and their playing with adult moronic thinking. It’s classic.
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Kyle Phoenix is a teacher, certified adult educator, sexologist, sex coach and sexuality educator with over two decades of intensive experience. He studied at the University at Buffalo, SUNY, New York University, and Columbia University. He has worked, consulted and taught individuals and focused professional developments for the CDC, Department of Education, Gay Men's Health Crisis, New York City Department of Health, non-profits, Fortune 500 companies and unions. He began his career facilitating on-campus workshops addressing a wide range of sexuality and sexual health issues and then moved on to teaching at universities, non-profits, private groups and clients, hosting The Kyle Phoenix Show on television and multiple online webinars, including YouTube and Sclipo and writing extensively through his blog, Special Reports, articles and other print and E books in the Kyle Phoenix Series on relationships, finance, education, spirituality and culture. He lives in New York with his family.
Smile, Kyle
KylePhoenixShow@Gmail.com
#KylePhoenix
#TheKylePhoenixShow
Kyle Phoenix on Facebook and TwitterThe Kyle Phoenix Show LIVE STREAMING on MNN.org 1130pm, Spectrum Cable Manhattan, NY Channel 56 & 1996, also FIOS 34 and RCN 83.
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Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show LIVESTREAM on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) Thursdays 1130pm
Kyle Phoenix is a teacher, certified adult educator, sexologist, sex coach and sexuality educator with over two decades of intensive experience. He studied at the University at Buffalo, SUNY, New York University, and Columbia University. He has worked, consulted and taught individuals and focused professional developments for the CDC, Department of Education, Gay Men's Health Crisis, New York City Department of Health, non-profits, Fortune 500 companies and unions. He began his career facilitating on-campus workshops addressing a wide range of sexuality and sexual health issues and then moved on to teaching at universities, non-profits, private groups and clients, hosting The Kyle Phoenix Show on television and multiple online webinars, including YouTube and Sclipo and writing extensively through his blog, Special Reports, articles and other print and E books in the Kyle Phoenix Series on relationships, finance, education, spirituality and culture. He lives in New York with his family.
www.kylephoenix.com
Smile, Kyle
KylePhoenixShow@Gmail.com
KylePhoenixShow@Gmail.com
#KylePhoenix
#TheKylePhoenixShow
#TheKylePhoenixShow
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