Relationships: MSM, Pssst! Why Your Prince Hasn't Come By Kyle Phoenix

Frustration is a mixture of anger and resentment/disappointment and this unfortunately is a state that lots of MSM, particularly one's of color, find themselves experiencing.   Most importantly they experience this around dating and seeking a long term relationship.  It's difficult being authentic to one's sexuality in a society that has not only sexuality issues but also racial attitudes that are negative towards men of color who are MSM---but more on that later.

Dating is difficult for men who are interested in men for an amazingly simple fact: women are absent.  Women, whether it's for the social status of having a woman on his arm, her social abilities to further him in life, the ability to propagate children, the validity of maturity that a wife offers, the emotional skills that women are often taught more pointedly growing up that allow them to be more intimate, faster and easier, the lack of social "falling" by being with a man (MSM who are with MSM are not rated as high as heterosexual men) and on and on.  Now you might rightfully assert that not all heterosexual relationships work out and I wholeheartedly agree.  Once people get past their gender, they are still people who have to negotiate identity and so on to be together.

But what if your sexuality excludes women?  Then what?  There has to be an adaptation to managing not having some of the skill set women bring or to actively seek to bridge some of those skills.

No Feminine Men
There's a terror of being with an effeminate man that is keeping so many men single because there's such a fear of being emasculated.  The emasculation fear has to do with the public aspect of relationships and what will be thought of a man if he's with someone who is so overtly homosexual.  His own homosexuality is then put into the spotlight when compared to an effeminate man.  However here's what also is revealed, how effeminate he might be and how uncomfortable he might be with that being seen.  So much of homosexuality for men is the distancing and the ousting of them from the Manhood Cave so that they tend to go to extremes to be humans to other men and to women.

Say you're an MSM and you come out to family and friends and coworkers and then you start dating an effeminate man and bring him to all the social gatherings  dinners, casual outings, weddings, funerals, holiday parties, work events----now I set up that list because some of you got stuck on seeing yourself or others seeing you at these events with a partner.  That's how much society is in your head (and ultimately your bed,)  Can you imagine dancing at wedding with your boyfriend like all the other couples?  And if you can't, and your answer is because you wouldn't want to disrespect your family, others, etc.---think first of how you consider your sexuality can simply be "disrespectful".

MSM are always living their relationships publicly to others feelings and perceptions which is why there's such an overt concern for the masculinity personality (and masculinity is personality based not character---when you say you're masculine, the reason why acting naturally follows as language is because it is a put on action.  You act masculine.)  Your relationship, before it's even been able to be accepted and encouraged has already been stifled by measurements and the comfortability of others.  Rather than an MSM looking at another man and considering him from an internal perspective of whether or not  he finds a man attractive,responsible, etc.---he's initially considering external judgment from others and bluntly, sexuality.

Sexuality and MSM
MSM are obsessed with sexuality because of this external projection---waiting for the rest of the world to validate the "okayness" of their identity that they even take it all the way to the bedroom.  Bottom, Versatiles, Tops, Versatile Bottoms, Tops Who Bottom, etc.. Another obsessional worry about external judgment and one more important factor in all males, that women generally through being considered "less than" in society, help to assuage.  The male ego.

Just because one is an MSM doesn't mean that a male ego isn't rampantly out of conrol in an MSM's head.  In fact I would offer that it is even more so because he's trying to prove a standard of manhood that he'll never socially meet so he keeps trying to prove he's just as good as to something he'll never equate to as and so and so on.

Back to the male ego.  The fear isn't simply lack of compatibility with another MSM but it goes to the core of sexual based jealousy: Will I be able to satisfy you long term?  What if I'm a Bottom and you're a Top who occasionally wants to Bottom?  Can I satisfy that? What if I can't?  You'll ;logically want someone to satisfy that.  I can't.  The male ego stops this man from even crossing the room to say hi because he's psyched himself out through inverted sexual jealousy.

Or say you're someone who wants to experiment with pleasure---you might not even know that's who you are (or a partner) might be today, tomorrow or in a year's time.  Your Bottom partner might want to try out being a Top in six months and because he's focused his sexual attention at you, he wants to explore that with you.  Terrifying.  Why?  All of the manhood, sexuality, identity bullshit attached to sexual positioning.  Homosexuality having less experience and therefore public record and discourse doesn't understand that sexuality is not static in a person nor in a relationship.  Things change, positions change, turn-ons change but the direct physical limitations of male to female sort of answers what will and won't happen most of the time.  Male to male sex though is literally open to each being Versatile in their sexuality to themselves and others.

The male ego and testosterone put sex before intimacy so it's impossible to for some men to consider that intimacy or simply time will change how you feel or derive pleasure sexually.Also consider homosexual men have spent so much internal time defining their sexuality----generally not maturely---the resources for examining and experimenting with an MSM's sexuality being pornography, hook ups and daydreaming.  Relationships help us to explore and develop and broaden ourselves but if you're an MSM and you can't get past a few dates, enough intimacy hasn't developed in your life to explore.  Or you might've been in a relationship that didn't give space for such negotiations.

I'm currently reading a book on sexuality (yes, I will review/post it) that I've had several copies of---I give away a lot of books to friends and students.  I noticed I didn't have a copy of it and ordered another, got it and on a lark thinking about how I could do something like it for the television show read the introduction.  I was struck by how the writer talked about all the people he'd interviewed and how they'd all expressed how sexuality changes over time.  He also talked about something I found surprising---how he didn't know what kind of sex his friends had.  How sexuality was so negatively private in his circle of friends before the book and yet he thought he knew people deeply.  I then thought about my own friend circle and realized because it included so many sexual persuasions and because of the work I do---I knew quite a bit about others.  But they knew so little about me.  The writer went on to suggest that the openness generally mirrors satisfaction.  Now he didn't mean the gritty details of what other uses you've come up with for a toothbrush and a bodybuilder but more generally, openly.  What pleasure looks and feels like for ones self.

Dating Is A Numbers Game
Simply put 1 out of 10 will be a love connection.  7 dates won't like you, nor you them.  Number 8 will like you, you won't like him.  Number 9, you'll like, but he won't like you.  Number 10---BINGO.

However the above scenario takes time.  And it may not follow the exact numbers of 1 through 10.  You might hit BINGO at Number 15.  Your friend might have hit their BINGO number at Number 1 or 3 and you've internalized that their success reflects back to your lack of success   Again the Male Ego running comparison games with others.  MSM are often, throughout their lifetime dealing with notifying the world about the truth of their internal identity in a world where heterosexuals gain a lot by sex/gender assumption.  In a way MSM are always coming out over and over and over to new people, to family about more and more dimensions of relationships, about normal life drama that includes one's sexuality.  I personally believe it's why MSM are more neurotic than heterosexual men---that constant push and pull from internal to external identity.

Single hood is Natural
Watching heterosexuals as you grow up their relationships look easy to obtain and maintain because you're not aware of the training they've received from the society around them.  Think of all the Homophobia you've noticed throughout your lifetime from your family, friends, co-workers, etc.---now think of that homophobia as positive encouragement---heterosexuals receive Heteropositivity as often as you see, notice, hear Homophobia which encourages them to be in relationships, to accommodate other human beings quirks and be nurturing.  MSM don't receive that and the lack of receiving that makes it difficult to understand that it's natural to be single.  To go from relationship to relationship growing---from kindergarten on up through old age.  It's natural to have periods of time where you're celibate, not dating, dating several people as you try to work out that numbers game of 1 in 10. Career and education also take a huge bite out ability to focus into a relationship and it's even more of a chaotic force for men of color.

Men of Color---It's Sort Of Working Out.......Kinda
If you see Obama as a shift in racial possibility for men of color you've misunderstood racism.  If Black and Latino people represent 35% of the American population then if there have been 40 odd Presidents----we should be racially a third of that number.  About 10 to 15 of the Presidents should've been non-White.  But population hasn't translated to reality of opportunities, which goes from the Top of Society to the Bottom (Poverty).

A friend mentioned to me that he was having such trouble finding a healthy Black or Latino man to date---so many had alcohol, drug or former incarceration, unemployment  underemployment issues.  Another friend wanted to do a date night get together at a club, announced it near and far to over 1000 MSM of color and only 1 bought a ticket. Yet another had relegated himself to "Dirty Boys" (read: hustlers) who would use him for attention, resources and emotional drama but were gleefully with women and reticent about sexual attention for his needs to the point of his near-begging.  All of these men who wanted to create relationships were undermined by the reality of where men of color are at in society, American society.  If say there are 5 million men of color in New York state and 10%of that number are MSM (500,00) and that number is affected by other factors it starts limiting how many Good Men exist.

What factors affect the 500,000?

  • Only 50% are "out" and comfortable with their sexuality. (250,000)
  • 30% are under 18 or over 65 so not compatible with everyone (175,000)
  • Social Services here in NY provides for those with HIV so lots of men have moved here (or to Chicago and California where there are also immediate cash/living services) who are HIV positive.  There's also a high population who are positive but not aware of it or care.  Let's say that the HIV ball is about 50,000.
  • That leaves us with about 125,000 eligible men in NYC to a man.
    • However if we apply the 1 in 10 Rule;
    • There's about 12,500 men who could be attracted to you and you them towards a relationship (if you lived here in NYC)
  • Following along the lines of Keith Swain's work on the measurement of Alphas and Betas among MSM then we have to divide that number up by 15% are Alphas and 85% are Betas.  That makes roughly 1400 Alphas and 11,000 Betas for you. 
  • The insanity of seeking absolute masculinity personality presentation---100% of the time means you're egging for Alphas (because you're probably a Beta, why?  Because 85% of MSM are.  I know go ahead, fight it, rail how you're an Alpha.  Society BS running deep your head.  Here's how I bust it in workshops when I do Alpha/Beta workshops.

    • Hip to shoulder width Ratio?  Alphas are squared lined not slumped/sloping shouldered.
    • Long index finger than ring finger?  Indicates more estrogen. Beta
    • Sexual position? Versatile, Bottom, Tops---tends to correspond Bottoms and Versatiles to estrogen levels.  
    • Alphas though are not attracted to what Betas perceive as manly looking men---Alphas are attracted to more effeminate men---it's Betas who are seeking Alphas and think if they butch it up
      like"wants like"---they often discover that they're both Betas.  They simply have gym memberships and have created bodies that fooled each other into initially assuming compatibility based on sexuality and external judgment.
    • MSM rail against being Betas---why?  Estrogen and it's absolute association with being a woman or woman-like.  And the most horrible thing one could be as a man is like a woman, right.  See how homosexuals are misogynistic no matter the size of their Madonna collection?
    • Curiously, societally  80% of all men are Betas in spite of sexuality.  Scientists believe the higher level of Estrogen in most men is so that we literally don't kill our young and have more wars.
  • Men of Color tend not to be as educated or employed as other men in Western society due to social cues from racism and poverty.
    • Holding 1400 men available to you who are Alphas---40% of Men of Color are in permanent poverty, now your number is 860.
    • 20% goes for just damn cray cray (mommy drama, abusive, sociopaths, self-destructive)---now the number is 700
    • 35% of men of color are college educated so if you want highly educated and therefore more open and flexible in his opinions of you (mentally flexibility is one of the things education engenders) then your pool is down to about 400 to 500.
    • Education leads to greater job ability and stability and ability to earn 35k or more a year.  It becomes harder and harder to do so as the world advances and education, highly technical education becomes mandatory.  The Male Ego sees itself by money and judges men on their money ability.  Don't lie don't try and argue against it, just learn to manage it as a reality towards you or that you project.
    • Half are in recovery (hopefully) or therapy to deal with the overwhelming screams of society at them and their identity.
    • Ummm, where do you get bounced on the above matrix?
  • If you're here in NY, there are about 500 eligible men for you--------but they're spread out over the entire state.  You can raise your numbers by being clear on your Alpha/Beta-ness---don't look in the mirror or ask friends, buy the book, do the test, accept the results---it's society screaming that you MUST be an Alpha.  When you're not.  The faster men accept who and what they are and learn what attracts men to them in particular and PLAY THAT GAME, the happier they end up being.  No, really, all the workshops I've done, those who take the test, accept their designation and apply the psychology to their dating---in relationships.
MSM, particularly those of color are dealing with all of the minusing factors and you have to consider how well they're dealing with all of those factors and their ability to negotiate all of the above stuff I've outlined as effecting relationships.  Two things are happening---yes, it's changing and growing in new directions for MSM who are brown to explore and express themselves and many men of color are advancing.  This means that if you want Mr. Perfect you now have to be in a space where all of them congregate who are just interested in you and you have to really, really, really think about the fact that if he's managed enough of the above stuff about himself to be a Good Man, would he want you?  If your sexual positions, judgments of femininity and inability to handle intimacy are the first things you enter a room with, it's probably why you can't find someone.  

Heterosexual men accept who they are, the level they're worthy of, marry overweight women, women marry less educated, they settle because of the other being great parents but not terrific lovers or they accept odd habits because their partner is loyal.  If you've viewed your sexuality through porn or pics of perfect men that you've objectified (what is it with MSM on Facebook posting handsome men? Then you click on their profile pic and it's some schlub in Big City, USA who looks like he's going to stay single---it comes off a little pervy, I'm just saying.  MSM I've noticed don't  think---you know Good Men might look at my Facebook profile----no you will not be accepted just because---we accept people when they don't offend.  If you're talking about wanting love and naked on Adam4Adam or your FB looks like a naked model junkyard---no one NORMAL can compete with your projected fantasies.  And he knows this, so he stays away.)

Lastly men of color have been so encultured to lack of identity flexibility that they lack identity flexibility, making it hard to be the flexibility you need for intimacy.  American society has impressed upon men of color so heavily what they parameters of their identity should and shouldn't look like.  However its impossible to stand still in your identity and have someone just walk up and love that.  We as human beings learn to love is by softening an edge or two, by accepting things in others we don't understand.  That's love.  Most men who complain about not being able to find love, don't know HOW to love.  That love isn't looking for a perfect fantasy manifestation.  Love is looking at another human being and appreciating their beauty and then simply enjoying their enhancement to you and you to them, not mandates or control systems or personality demands.  Simple acceptance, patience and forgiveness.

Ultimately, how do you get your Prince?

You look in the mirror, access yourself and your actions sensibly and honestly and GO OUT into the world with patience and maybe a list of qualities in your head but a heart that is ready to accept someone who loves you but your family won't like or someone who's HIV+ but loves you or someone who can spell gym and earns some good money but isn't in tip top shape. Some things you enhance with another person (which is how women look at men---Can I work with this?) and sometimes you're the one who is being enhanced.

Thank you,
Kyle Phoenix
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