Sexuality: Bisexual Homosexuals and Homosexual Heterosexuals

Sexuality: Bisexual Homosexuals and Homosexual Heterosexuals

In my line of work, facilitating workshops and classes, answering emails from the TV show, I'm often challenged with the difference between actions and sexuality.  We've entered into an era of sexuality being integrated into mainstream society and though all forms of sexuality have existed since there were three people, our social designations haven't.

Let's identify first:

  • Bisexual--likes male and female genders sexually.
  • Homosexual--likes the same gender sexually.
  • Heterosexual--likes their opposite gender sexually.
  • Transsexual--feels likes their body/external male or female gender is incorrect to their identity/internal sense of gender; their sexuality may be homo, hetero or bi-sexuality.
  • Omni/Pansexual--likes male and female genders sexually, regardless of external/internal gender.
  • Inter-sex--someone born with genitalia that technically makes them neither male or female, or both.  Usually medical professionals and parents choose which gender to use surgery to make dominant. 
  • Gender--one's physical classification to male, female, inter-sex or pre/post surgery transsexual
  • Sexuality--one's internal TO external manifestation of identity and/or action; how one acts out what they feel or physically can do; this might be what someone is
  • Acts--people may do things to/with their same or opposite gender
However sometimes people cross and blur the lines of sexuality, ability, action and gender.  (The accompanying video at the end will help you if you've involved with someone of the same sex.) ( 

 Homosexual Men and Women Have Sex With The Opposite Sex
Quite a few homosexuals due to lack of understanding of themselves or fear of disrupting their family/life, have been in heterosexual relationships and marriages (and may have children.)  It happens.  Being in a society that demands conformity down to sexual identity can mean that people take time, even a lifetime to discover and develop their own identity.  If you're homosexual, and feel this aligns with your sexuality, your identity and your physicality---where does that identity come from?  Within.  Then if your sexual identity comes from within and you've done some heterosexual acts, how can you judge/project onto the bisexual or a heterosexual who is simply having homosexual sex?  Sex is not an infection nor a barometer of identity.  Sex is an act.  Sex is not one's identity.

Heterosexual Men and Women Have Sex With Their Same Sex
Human beings experiment   As children, as young adults, in college, in jail, in threesomes, for pleasure, adults since the beginning of time have tried things out. Found that they liked things.  Done things for a while.  A reason, a season or a lifetime but that doesn't necessarily make them that sexuality.  Sexuality isn't simply defined by actions, it's also defined by the individual.  Is a sexually abused child being molested by her aunt, a lesbian?  No.  Is an adult who has no other sexual outlet in jail or the military and engages in same sex sexual contact, a homosexual?  Not necessarily.  Is a homosexual who lost their virginity to a girl (or guy) but knew they were homosexual actually heterosexual, just confused like their Mamma said?  Nope.

Heterosexuality is an action.  Being a heterosexual is sexuality merging identity AND action.  Confusing?  Welcome to Earth, no one promised you that human beings would be simple or narrow or definitive in every one of their expressions. Honestly, if we sat down with you and did a psycho-social identity mapping about what turns you on, imagery, people, actions---we'd probably find that like most humans, you fall into a spectrum, a continuum but all your dots don't cluster perfectly to one side of the scale.  The famous Kinsey scale below measures humans who've answered a detailed questionnaire and survey below and where they flow along a continuum.  Only a very narrow portion of the population are exclusively heterosexual (all white area, or 0 column and only a narrow portion of the population are exclusively homosexual (all blue column, or 6).

The scale is as follows:
0Exclusively heterosexual
1Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
2Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3Equally heterosexual and homosexual
4Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
6Exclusively homosexual

Then this guy Klein came along and created a more definite measurement system riffing of of Kinsey's work but trying to add more nuance to the sexuality experience and define bisexuality better.

A. Sexual Attraction. To whom are you sexually attracted?
B. Sexual Behavior. With whom have you had sex?
C. Sexual Fantasies. About whom are your sexual fantasies?
D. Emotional Preference. Who do you feel more drawn to or close to emotionally?
E. Social Preference. Which gender do you socialize with?
F. Lifestyle Preference. In which community do you like to spend your time? In which do you feel most comfortable?
G. Self Identification. How do you label or identify yourself?

Scale to measure variables A, B, C, D and E of the KSOG
other sex onlyother sex mostlyother sex somewhatboth sexes equallysame sex somewhatsame sex mostlysame sex only
Scale to measure variables F and G of the KSOG
heterosexual onlyheterosexual mostlyheterosexual moreheterosexual/homosexual equallyhomosexual morehomosexual somewhathomosexual only

Notice in here how the word variable appears and somewhat and mostly.  Those are our tip words that sexuality and identity are not static.  In fact Klein went on to develop that sexuality is far more fluidic than our society allows.  Now here's where it gets fun.  If a more tolerant, accepting, permissive society begins existing the individuals definition of what their sexuality is today, tomorrow and yesterday can and will change over a lifetime.  Humans will begin to in that Kinsey middle area define themselves as some variation of bisexual or omnisexual.

In workshops when it comes up (The accompanying video at the end will help you if you've involved with someone of the same sex.) (  invariably around homosexual men feeling used by other men who are having homosexual acts with them but not interested in deeper emotionalized/romantic relationships, I present the above information.  The homosexual men then rail that these men are secretly on the down low and being deceptive by having sex with them and then returning to heterosexual relationships (and yes, this does have STD risks/implications) but I calmly ask how many men in the room have had sex with a woman.  Out of 20, maybe 7 raise their hands---I ask them to move to one side of the room.  Then I ask how many of them have had fantasies, dreams, imaginings, musings in their own sexuality about being with women of being women or referring to their bodies in more physically or emotionally effeminate ways (boy pussy, pussy, Ms. Thing, girl, girlfriend, bitch, she),another 10 move to the other side of the room.  Then I throw out who has done drag as a child, teenager, adult or was in the closet about their sexuality until 21.  Another 2 move over.

That leaves 1 guy, sometimes 2, and I say those two out of the 20, are the actual, full 6 homosexuals.  The rest of you are varying degrees of homosexuals/bisexuals/omnisexuals.

I'm just saying....

Now imagine this being done in a group of heterosexuals?  This leaves us with stunning possibilities: either your mother, family, father, peers, cousins, siblings, boss, neighbors, church, synagogue (read: society) are right---you're not a homosexual, you're  just confused and haven't met the right man or woman, and if you did you'd "straighten up".

Or, you're personally right about your personal expression of your sexuality and identity and they're wrong, other people (read: society) are wrong to define you.

Then the bigger challenge comes about: if you don't want others defining your sexuality incorrectly or pejoratively as a homosexual, how can you turn to someone doing heterosexual acts or homosexual acts and pejoratively judge/forcibly define their sexuality?

Work shoppers than ask me what's the right way to operate and I answer that I allow others to define their own sexuality and identity to me that day and I maintain the space and etiquette and human caring, that it might change tomorrow and it might change again the next day.  My irritation and annoyance wouldn't be at the changing but at them not alerting that there is a change for that day.  Suddenly sexuality is simple, huh?

(The accompanying video will help you if you've involved with someone of the same sex.) ( 

Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on


  1. i've had sex with women. I enjoy sex with beautiful women, but don't enjoy sex with average looking women. i've had only a few girlfriends and i'm already 37 years old.
    i've had oral sex with 2 men already last year and yearns to have sex with men again. but i'm only attracted to fat bearish men. handsome, well cut men have no effect on me.