Sexuality: Bisexual Homosexuals and Homosexual Heterosexuals

Sexuality: Bisexual Homosexuals and Homosexual Heterosexuals

In my line of work, facilitating workshops and classes, answering emails from the TV show, I'm often challenged with the difference between actions and sexuality.  We've entered into an era of sexuality being integrated into mainstream society and though all forms of sexuality have existed since there were three people, our social designations haven't.

Let's identify first:

• Bisexual--likes male and female genders sexually.
• Homosexual--likes the same gender sexually.
• Heterosexual--likes their opposite gender sexually.
• Transsexual--feels likes their body/external male or female gender is incorrect to their identity/internal sense of gender; their sexuality may be homo, hetero or bi-sexuality.
• Omni/Pansexual--likes male and female genders sexually, regardless of external/internal gender.
• Inter-sex--someone born with genitalia that technically makes them neither male or female, or both.  Usually medical professionals and parents choose which gender to use surgery to make dominant. 
• Gender--one's physical classification to male, female, inter-sex or pre/post surgery transsexual
• Sexuality--one's internal TO external manifestation of identity and/or action; how one acts out what they feel or physically can do; this might be what someone is
• Acts--people may do things to/with their same or opposite gender

However sometimes people cross and blur the lines of sexuality, ability, action and gender.  (The accompanying video at the end will help you if you've involved with someone of the same sex.) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkEAUlWbsvE&feature=g-upl)) 

 Homosexual Men and Women Have Sex With The Opposite Sex

Quite a few homosexuals due to lack of understanding of themselves or fear of disrupting their family/life, have been in heterosexual relationships and marriages (and may have children.)  It happens.  Being in a society that demands conformity down to sexual identity can mean that people take time, even a lifetime to discover and develop their own identity.  If you're homosexual, and feel this aligns with your sexuality, your identity and your physicality---where does that identity come from?  Within.  Then if your sexual identity comes from within and you've done some heterosexual acts, how can you judge/project onto the bisexual or a heterosexual who is simply having homosexual sex?  Sex is not an infection nor a barometer of identity.  Sex is an act.  Sex is not one's identity.

Heterosexual Men and Women Have Sex With Their Same Sex
Human beings experiment   As children, as young adults, in college, in jail, in threesomes, for pleasure, adults since the beginning of time have tried things out. Found that they liked things.  Done things for a while.  A reason, a season or a lifetime but that doesn't necessarily make them that sexuality.  Sexuality isn't simply defined by actions, it's also defined by the individual.  Is a sexually abused child being molested by her aunt, a lesbian?  No.  Is an adult who has no other sexual outlet in jail or the military and engages in same sex sexual contact, a homosexual?  Not necessarily.  Is a homosexual who lost their virginity to a girl (or guy) but knew they were homosexual actually heterosexual, just confused like their Mamma said?  Nope.

Heterosexuality is an action.  Being a heterosexual is sexuality merging identity AND action.  Confusing?  Welcome to Earth, no one promised you that human beings would be simple or narrow or definitive in every one of their expressions. Honestly, if we sat down with you and did a psycho-social identity mapping about what turns you on, imagery, people, actions---we'd probably find that like most humans, you fall into a spectrum, a continuum but all your dots don't cluster perfectly to one side of the scale.  The famous Kinsey scale below measures humans who've answered a detailed questionnaire and survey below and where they flow along a continuum.  Only a very narrow portion of the population are exclusively heterosexual (all white area, or 0 column and only a narrow portion of the population are exclusively homosexual (all blue column, or 6).

The scale is as follows:

Rating	Description
0	Exclusively heterosexual
1	Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
2	Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3	Equally heterosexual and homosexual
4	Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5	Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
6	Exclusively homosexual
X	Non-sexual

Then this guy Klein came along and created a more definite measurement system riffing of of Kinsey's work but trying to add more nuance to the sexuality experience and define bisexuality better.

Variable	Past	Present	Ideal
A. Sexual Attraction. To whom are you sexually attracted?
B. Sexual Behavior. With whom have you had sex?
C. Sexual Fantasies. About whom are your sexual fantasies?
D. Emotional Preference. Who do you feel more drawn to or close to emotionally?
E. Social Preference. Which gender do you socialize with?
F. Lifestyle Preference. In which community do you like to spend your time? In which do you feel most comfortable?
G. Self Identification. How do you label or identify yourself?

Scale to measure variables A, B, C, D and E of the KSOG

1	2	3	4	5	6	7
other sex only	other sex mostly	other sex somewhat	both sexes equally	same sex somewhat	same sex mostly	same sex only

Scale to measure variables F and G of the KSOG

1	2	3	4	5	6	7
heterosexual only	heterosexual mostly	heterosexual more	heterosexual/homosexual equally	homosexual more	homosexual somewhat	homosexual only

Notice in here how the word variable appears and somewhat and mostly.  Those are our tip words that sexuality and identity are not static.  In fact Klein went on to develop that sexuality is far more fluidic than our society allows.  Now here's where it gets fun.  If a more tolerant, accepting, permissive society begins existing the individuals definition of what their sexuality is today, tomorrow and yesterday can and will change over a lifetime.  Humans will begin to in that Kinsey middle area define themselves as some variation of bisexual or omnisexual.

In workshops when it comes up (The accompanying video at the end will help you if you've involved with someone of the same sex.) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkEAUlWbsvE&feature=g-upl))  invariably around homosexual men feeling used by other men who are having homosexual acts with them but not interested in deeper emotionalized/romantic relationships, I present the above information.  The homosexual men then rail that these men are secretly on the down low and being deceptive by having sex with them and then returning to heterosexual relationships (and yes, this does have STD risks/implications) but I calmly ask how many men in the room have had sex with a woman.  Out of 20, maybe 7 raise their hands---I ask them to move to one side of the room.  Then I ask how many of them have had fantasies, dreams, imaginings, musings in their own sexuality about being with women of being women or referring to their bodies in more physically or emotionally effeminate ways (boy pussy, pussy, Ms. Thing, girl, girlfriend, bitch, she),another 10 move to the other side of the room.  Then I throw out who has done drag as a child, teenager, adult or was in the closet about their sexuality until 21.  Another 2 move over.

That leaves 1 guy, sometimes 2, and I say those two out of the 20, are the actual, full 6 homosexuals.  The rest of you are varying degrees of homosexuals/bisexuals/omnisexuals.

I'm just saying....

Now imagine this being done in a group of heterosexuals?  This leaves us with stunning possibilities: either your mother, family, father, peers, cousins, siblings, boss, neighbors, church, synagogue (read: society) are right---you're not a homosexual, you're  just confused and haven't met the right man or woman, and if you did you'd "straighten up".

Or, you're personally right about your personal expression of your sexuality and identity and they're wrong, other people (read: society) are wrong to define you.

Then the bigger challenge comes about: if you don't want others defining your sexuality incorrectly or pejoratively as a homosexual, how can you turn to someone doing heterosexual acts or homosexual acts and pejoratively judge/forcibly define their sexuality?

Work shoppers than ask me what's the right way to operate and I answer that I allow others to define their own sexuality and identity to me that day and I maintain the space and etiquette and human caring, that it might change tomorrow and it might change again the next day.  My irritation and annoyance wouldn't be at the changing but at them not alerting that there is a change for that day.  Suddenly sexuality is simple, huh?

(The accompanying video will help you if you've involved with someone of the same sex.) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkEAUlWbsvE&feature=g-upl)) 

Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Homosexuals As Sexuality Fascists by Kyle Phoenix

 What is sexuality?  Do you know?  

More importantly what is your sexuality?  

How do you know?  
Now more frighteningly, what is someone else's sexuality?  

Can you know beyond what they tell you is their truth?

I've often had this as a topic in workshops because it covers so many areas that MSM are fuzzy about.  Some of the fuzziness comes from the core of having a liberated sexuality that doesn't answer to the society around you (as long as it's not breaking moral codes and not outdated legal laws) and the dual edged responsibility that comes with that.  To "be" means that you also confer, or should, the right for others to "be".  But then like a busy bubba bee we get into what the definition of is is.

Let's make it simple and concrete---Sexuality is only about 4 things:

BODY
Sexuality is what your body is.

You're in a body.  Look down.   There you go.  That's you.  It might be defined by society around you as male, female, or intersex (any combination or negation of the previous two).  That's just simple physical parameters that we as human beings can physically define.  We get this definition by comparing ourselves to nature, particularly animals and insects in nature that are most similar to us in possessing bodes and consciousness.

DO
Sexuality is what your body can do.

No matter how marvelous you mat feel about that thing you discovered and did with someone last week or twenty years ago, it's been done before.  By millions of human beings.  Perhaps even billions.  The only absolute difference in your sexuality would be using an IPhone 5 that is displaying this blog and using it in your sexuality---it would have to be that immediately new and sadly, somewhere, someone in the world has already done something post-physical with an IPhone 5 while displaying a blog....by a Black man.....in New York.....who likes jellybeans.  Yeah, human beings have been immediately doing things with their bodies for more years than the human mind can fathom.

FEEL
Sexuality is what you feel like doing with your body.
While there's a list, of about 30 things you can do sexually with your body, one hundred when you expand it to include another human and over probably a thousand when you start introducing objects, humans see sexuality through identity.  More importantly the aspect of your identity that identifies you as an "I" amongst the see of all the other humans who may look, seem and smell like you but you identify as "them".


OTHER
Sexuality is who you feel like doing it with.
Just because you can do it, just because you can mentally entertain doing it and just because you have a body, doesn't mean you want to do many things listed on the sexuality display board of activities.  There has to be a drive, emotional component, action, to just do it!  Like everything else human beings are incentive based animals.  Whether it's pain or pleasure we do things for incentive.  Sane things and insane things.

However what all human beings have an initial problem dealing with is contradiction of reality.  You stand on the ground and this mysterious force called gravity has been holding you to it and will continue to do so for the entirety of your life.    Yet when toddlers are asked to define and point out where a human being is, inside of their body---where identity/the soul resides, children point at a region around the head and slightly above it.  What makes you a "You" has never touched the ground because it's in this container called a body, yet it too is affected by gravity because its' container is.  Yet your soul is never defined as being limited by gravity.  A contradiction of two simultaneously existing states of reality.

A delightful metaphysical hypothesis you might agree but what does this have to do with sexuality?

MSM and others learn early on that their parents, peers and friends are not initially thrilled with how an individual MSM might express that his BODY FEELS to DO in alignment with his OTHER.  We're all taught that and to varying degrees of lifelong success we manage, negotiate and mitigate the initial projection.  (Now just to be complicated I'm going to throw a lot into that projection like: heterosexuaity, bisexuality, homosexuality, beastiality, chastity, incest, rape, celibacy, sadomasochism, miscegenation, discrimination, alienation and my favorite, liberation.)

But we're also given something else.  Judgment and the indefatigable ability, we believe to self-define our own crotches and therefore be able to measure and "fix"  the crotch of another.  By fix I mean compare someone else's to our own and judge that it is not good, out of alignment, incorrect and therefore sick, wrong, twisted, demented, confused, lying, immature, etc..  Now the ways I'll give you some mulligans are for immaturity and "wrong/sick" that involve coercion of another, force or destructiveness.  Other than that anything two consenting adults come up with involving an IPhone, a cupcake, some hot wax, a double headed dildo, pictures of Betty Boop and a Twister mat, while perhaps disturbing, is not wrong.  It might be wrong when I try to match it against my BODY, DO, FEEL, OTHER, as in it doesn't align.  But that doesn't make it morally wrong nor negate it's right to exist and just as I require at least tacit respect and non-harm for my own sexuality, those that aren't my own deserve the same.

Oh, wait, does your sexuality deserve respect?  Does your sexuality deserve to to not be harmed/attacked/vilified?

While screaming how their BODY (male) wanting to DO (homosexuality) with anOTHER who FEELS the same, MSM often believe that their trying to get only one other seat on the humanity bus. They never consider that there might be other folk trying to get a seat and maybe the bus should be expanded and that even more revolutionary maybe the ones who know what it's like to be excluded often become the excluders because as Frantz Fanon, writer of Wretched of The Earth, defining horizontal violence as...The larger picture of horizontal violence is systemic oppression. It is not a mental state that can be isolated from vertical oppression which is a top-to-bottom use of state power to colonize people.........People under such a condition develop a duality of purpose in doing things – an ironic kind of resignation to the reality not within their control contraposed to a mounting inner protest at one’s oppressive situation. Because of this contradictions that happen in the conscious and unconscious mind of the oppressed, it results in the oppressed’s having within his psyche the oppressor himself. Strangely, he too becomes an oppressor if he doesn't realize what a victim he has become under an oppressive system. The only difference in this particular situation that separates the oppressed from the oppressor is that the oppressed who hasn't realized his pathetic condition oppresses only his peers and reveres his oppressor....which riffs into Paulo Freire , a Brazilian Educator, who wrote in his book, Pedagogy of the Oppressed............that horizontal violence is part of the psychological state of people trapped by poverty and powerlessness. Part of the psyche of such group is the internalized image of the people causing the oppression . That internalized image settles more in the unconscious mind than in the conscious mind. On the conscious level, the oppressed views the oppressor as the “complete human being” and he, the oppressed, as the incomplete one. The oppressive aspect of that internalized image is not viewed as oppressive by the oppressed person. The oppressive tendencies coming from the internalized image of the oppressor assert themselves whenever the oppressed has an opportunity to be like the oppressor.
Oh, snap!
Suddenly MSM who judge gay for pay (straight men who perform in homosexual pornography for money/resources) are not taking into account they are acting out learned oppressive stances.  Or they might do this to announced bisexuals---"You're just confused!" they jeer.  Or no one has the right to experiment with his or her sexuality, that homosexuality is like an infection---so if you did something in school or jail or had one same sex affair---"You're gay!  You're just confused!"  That transsexuals are truly confused and insane especially when they not only feel that their body is wrong but they transition to another gender and then are same gender loving (example: a male trans to female and is a lesbian).

Because it couldn't possibly be that people raised in oppression even of sexualityinternalize and become the oppressors.  Nah, we never have seen the oppressed take on an ideas, ideology and markings of clear oppressors to the point where they act even more rabidly insane than the oppressors.  Nah, that could never happen.  Never.  Ever. 

So then the question comes up in my workshops (you're thinking they're really the jump off---and they are!  More fun than a sack of granddaddies!): what do you think, Kyle?

The task of a teacher/facilitator is to either express their confusion at something (I don't get sex in a dark park or a public bathroom---I understand it but, for me personally, it's right up there with scat) and the group illuminates me to understanding.  Or the group pose a question and I illuminate alternative perspectives (critical thinking applied) for how to look at something and what future actions to consider taking.

I have always thought that YOU should be in charge of managing YOUR crotch.  And I'll manage mine.    Management includes non-judgment (unless it breeches morality or just legal laws---I have to keep pointing this out because people who are not ready to think differently will rail with sexual abuse, incest, rape, etc..  Curiously, I find that the most announced liberal are as doggedly narrow and inflexible in their beliefs as the directly announced fundamentalist/oppressors.  I clearly state things and points several times other in a calm voice.  Yes, sometimes teaching can feel reductive.)  But I also think that acceptance for the Latino kid son the bus means I should be just as accepting of the Asian especially when I say based upon ethnicity and race, I'm accepting the first kid.

I can't justify homosexuality if I don't accept all the myriadical positions and possibilities that it includes that aren't permanent identity.sexuality choices to every human being who has participated in it and all of the alternative perspective sexualities other human beings might present.  Why it would make me a hypocrite and a sexuality fascist to do the contradictory opposite and I might only do that if I.........were raised by a heterosexual social hegemony that teaches that very skill.

Coming Soon:

Gay For Pay and Reality: Do You Know The Difference?

Thank you,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on FaceBook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

What is Feminine Manhood?

Men of color, Black and Latino, who are MSM are obsessed with two things---their penises and the perception of themselves as masculine---there is such an obsessiveness around concepts of masculinity that it's borderline paranoia.  There is a constant watching of self and others for excessive femininity and "bitch-assness" and eradication of any hint of the feminine because if you were then....then....well, you wouldn't be a man.  But the question that under girds this is what defines what a man is?  Perception, actions, self-definition, all three?

What are you?  What do you assure people you are?  What are you terrified of being seen as?

Masculinity and femininity are personality traits.  Like being even tempered or humorous.  It's a social/habituated way of acting out one's persona.  One's persona is generally one's immediate public face.

Manhood and womanhood are character based.  Your character is who you truly are.  Are you a person of integrity, responsibility, accountability, generosity   Are you accountable for your actions and words?  That would tell us about your character.  Manhood however is not body based, just like I think we're advancing as humans to realize than neither is the feminine principle/self.

Wandering around my home now and past homes in memory I have lots of plants, books, relaxing colors, and pictures, pictures all over the walls.  I like Gustav Klimt, I have a huge poster of Storm of the X-Men done in a way that emphasizes African masks and wind that I got as a gift years ago framed.  I have some Haitian reprints, some Native American, Asian and Cuban framed sets from calendars.  But what I noticed as I was putting together a visioning board was that unconsciously a lot of my surrounding art was feminine based.

But I'm not particularly feminine in person, in movement, in countenance, and I'm not turned out by say Beyonce or Lady Gaga or Nicki Minaj, in artistic or visceral ways.  I grew up really liking Janet Jackson, posters, tapes and CDs, remix CDs, concerts, concert films, and her handful of films.  I've never had a desire for drag, I went once in college to a Halloween party and literally was more interested in the process of finding clothes and trying to do it right because I knew there would be a contest but I never "got off on it".

I don't like girly things, I don't even like frilly, sobbing, girly girls.  Petticoats, teas----Lord knows daughters will be a challenge for me---I'm just not that "queenie".  I'm likely to tell a crying girl to "man up"!  But when I examine myself a little further, when I look at the feminine aspects of my personality it is far more regal, more Queen with a capital Q, more matriarchal.  I love children and small animals but I hate bugs.  I cry at movies, oddly at lots of different things---last fall apart?---I Am Love with Tilda Swinton (the last scene with the maid---I lost it!  But I find Seven  with Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt---HILARIOUS!  I laughed so long and hard in a theater in Buffalo that it started a wave of hilarity in the theater---"he cut off her nose to spite her face!"---classic!) When I look at my mother, aunts and grandmother----only some of them have a feminine power, a regalness, Madge Sinclair-ish, Phylicia Rashad, Angela Bassett---like that.  

Then I get really crazy and do the whole testosterone/estrogen evaluation survey and examine the physicality of my own body that connotes higher levels of testosterone.  (This is based on the psychological and physiological testing that can be found in Keith Swain's Dynamic Duos---the most controversial, insight, attended and longest running seminars/workshops I do on this as men find out if they're Alphas or Betas or a blending and how they act and why based upon nature.)   I have a deep baritone voice (I played Santa Claus in the 3rd grade my voice is so deep); pointer finger to ring finger ration; hip to shoulder ratio; shoulder level in relationship to body structure; testosterone based ways of thinking and feeling that are not as empathetic (read: estrogen soaked); faculty at different forms of math and science.

I'm a blending---my body is very Alpha masculine but some of my tastes, my abilities are blended with being able to cook (even done it professionally at a bistro); dance; sew; match colors; choose clothing; enjoy Saks Fifth Avenue like a religion; preference for a more comfortable rather than excessively masculine/stern living environment.  And I've never thought anything about the synergy that isn't 50/50, maybe more 70/30, until I was around more MSM obsessed with defining their identity through it.  Or more importantly obsessively needing, wanting, screaming they are 100% masculine.  Sometimes they would just randomly announce this----like crossing the street or leaning over a table for a fork or while talking about checking accounts in a financial based workshop.  Yeah, that kind of obsessive.

I, honestly being comfortable with myself, in fact really loving my blend, the regality, the strength, the comfort, the blending power from the perceptions of others but the gentleness I feel and adoration at children and small animals (I'm the guy who makes wild faces at children on the train or always flashes babies a smile; and animals like me), am happy with my blend.  I don't think about what my family or friends or strangers think about my penchant for Emporio Armani suits or Apricot mud masks or that I like Oxford style shoes but love boots because of the heel (hilariously enough, I'm more wobbly footed in flats and sneakers than shoes and boots).

But sometimes I'm sitting there or talking to someone and they're crushing themselves, or the spirit of another with the comparisons and measurements.  Without feminine men, there would be no trailblazers, so when I see them in public----and we all see them---because that's part of the point, right?---I think ok, there he is.  I never discriminate.  I've had and dated, male and female people, and had friends all along the continuum and even transsexuals.  If I'm your friend, I'm your friend---I'm not measuring your personality for appropriate presentation levels.

I guess if I really extend it through my belief system, I don't believe in the body.  I believe there's a spirit/energy of some form within everyone.  And some folks are feminine energy based and others masculine.  They get dropped into all different kinds of bodies for the learning process/lessons that we're here for.  It's funny though, I often notice MSM who don't allow for the range in dating or friendships, tend to be the most unhappy with how romance is working out.  Somehow I think the feminine must be present and acknowledged and cultivated within one's self and pointedly in a relationship.  Probably even more so when it's a same gender relationship.  I think that if you exclude the feminine guys, all the way up to extremely effeminate, you're missing out on some of that Yin balancing energy.  I think you're also setting up a level of misogyny and maybe annihilating the possibility for real love and community.

Thanks and enjoy! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Time Warner Cable, Verizon Fios or Comcast or the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

VideoLOG: Depression Adopting Healthy Lifestyle Habits

Thank you,

Kyle Phoenix

kylephoenixshow@aol.com

http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Face Book or Follow Us on Twitter!  Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/