It kept coming up so much that eventually I just designed a whole book around it. Good Men for Men, the paperback and E book pulls together all of the questions, information and solutions for how to find, date, keep and love (and receive love) from a Good Man. I was even able to get the permission of some of my counseling clients, individuals and couples to relate their experiences in detail about sex, money, divergent goals, etc.. There is particular interest from emails in not only what is a Good Man but now asking what does a Good Man not want? Specifically there are some positions in your life that a Good Man does not want to occupy. I've been on dates and lead workshops and read your emails and I've narrowed it down to categories that are verboten
A Good Man is not your besty. He's not your BFF. He's not interested in all the latest gossip, television shows, office drama, family politics and shopping dilemmas you might have. Now yes, of course, a Good Man n is interested in you, perhaps even fascinated but every man or woman needs a best friend, a pack even that they can hang and chatter with. Often MSM try to turn a man into their new besty, he resists and that's seen as not caring or disloyalty when in fact, he's not interested in being your girlfriend. In fact you might want to make it a line that's held closer to you that he has to pursue crossing. That will tell you how much of your romantic relationship can include your normal way of relating to a friend. You're trying to develop a relationship, based in friendship but with a romantic direction/outcome.
He will like you, he might even love you but he's not interested in raising you. You must arrive with maturity intact or be working on it. Managing the vagaries of your life (cell phone, school, work, clothing, manners, etc.) are not a mate's responsibility. There might be some overlap or assistance but you don't want to be in the position where your immaturity gives a partner so much power that control and love are deeply mixed. You want instead to be maturing together, to be assisting each other, to be advancing each other whether that be socially, financially, emotionally but you don't want to be identified as the one who shouldn't be left alone at home because you're helpless. Now a Good Man might be helpful and protective to you but that's something you allow or let him do, you could do it if he dropped dead in ten minutes. MSM not having experience in how to verbally negotiate and therefore balance out control, power and responsibility in romantic relationships often allow or encourage their unmet childhood needs to become the predominant issue. Overspending, staying out/partying without regard or agreement to a partner, pushing all mature responsibility onto a partner because "he's a/the man", doesn't work.
Your Woman or A Woman
Just because you're a homosexual and might truly feel some deep feminine elements around your identity (and scientific research into estrogen in males, the effects upon the brain and sexuality supports those feelings) your "feminine heart" might not be what he was fully expecting or signing up for. Femininity and feminine men are fantastic, in fact most MSM who subscribe to perfect or the idea of hyper-masculinity, are alone perpetually. Good Man accept that you're feminine, they find it amusing, delightful, sexy and something to allow them to care for and protect. But he didn't sign up to be with your mother, or your auntie or your girlfriend and their female to male drama. You won't have the same conflicts because of sex/gender, accept it. There are certain attitudes and thoughts men have that your mother's advice will conflict with---because she's not a man. MSM make the huge error or trying to be the woman they idolize in a relationship or effeminize a Good Man who's comfortable with not being emasculated.
Here's a secret, your female friends and relatives who are alone, don't know how to be with a man. Never trust someone who's dry spell involves the words "years" and is an entirely different sexuality than the relationship you're in.
He likes you, he might even love you and everyone has issues. Here is the best advice you will ever receive that will make your relationship viable. Don't. Tell. Him. Everything. Biggest mistake ever. Let's do a fun list. We'll call it, the Issues List.
1. Bad Credit/Money Management Issues
2. Overbearing Mother/Father/Family Issues
3. HIV+/Herpes/STD Issues or You Like To Bareback
4. Violent Ex/Abuse Issues
5. Unemployed/Under-educated Insecurities in Comparison to him
6. Intimacy, Sexual Fears or You've Been a SuperSlut
7. You've been hurt and have Trust Issues
8. Parental Non-Acceptance Issues
9. You did porn years ago
10. You're rich and have trust issues
The fantastic thing about 1 through 10 is you can work all of that in therapy. The truthful thing is you can't work that out with just a Good Man . You need a time frame in order to know when to bring things up. This is where the concept of not being immediately sexual with someone on the first date comes in and limiting the time of a date so that you don't start emotionally vomiting. You want time to be liked for your wonderful self not seen as someone cute with a lot of problems.
Love isn't accepting someone for all their faults---it's falling in love with someone and having time to see the incorporation of issues to the one you love. Love and time buffer the harsh truths of other human beings. Absolute disclosure destroy intimacy. Tell your therapist 1 through 10. Write down on a piece of paper what to talk about and what not to. There's stuff about a Good Man you don't know and you might also want to consider that telling him everything upfront and then not dating after a week or two means that there's someone walking around with your dossier...who will tell his friends and family, post it to Facebook, mention it to co-workers, etc. Give time time.
A Good Man is generally looking for that someone special,someone who can appreciate all the work he's done on himself and is ready to talk about long term plans and hopes and dreams. Wanting to hit a bar or two and maybe mess around with him is looking for a plaything, not a real connection. When you meet a Good Man , he will probably be focused on not only his own life goals but in making a meaningful connection so you have to be ready as well to deal with a good man arriving in your life. Lots of MSM complain about the lack of Good Man but aren't doing anything to better themselves for when one arrives It's a way of internalizing shame and homophobia: "I'll complain about discrimination but I don't truly act like I'm worth what I say I deserve. Thereby a Good Man will never show up, one proving my misguided point and two, letting me off the hook to actualizing myself/identity."
The point that this all brings together is that one wants to be conscious of one's self and actions when you meet a man. Not that you're expected to walk on eggshells but you should put your best foot forward and slowly reveal your club foot. Your interests, hobbies, sparkling personality should be put forward, not your problems or misconceptions. What makes a Good Man attracted to you is YOU not all of the other extraneous things around you. Give him time to enjoy you, to know you, to think you're wonderful and special then slowly talk about your childhood, your life errors, your crazy friends, your messy parents----he's much more likely to want to hang in there. Ironically true intimacy is the reverse of what we normally do in life---you have to reveal your inner, true self, not the external dramatic stuff first.
Take a look at the book and after you read it, let me know what you think or any additional questions you might have!
Thank you for reading,
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast