Being able to look two of them up online also confirms to me the negativity I felt from them was jealously. Having less experience with jealously I had no frame of reference therefore ability to assuage them or comfort their insecurity so i was often stymied silent at their seemingly erratic feelings.
I was oblivious to their being intimidated because I don't think of myself in a big way. When I peek at their small lives---jobs, , normalcy, mediocrity...I see how many of their dreams they didn't manifest compared to the ones I have. One told me that I was like a movie, one scene was my articulating wanting to do something and the next scene was my doing it. I have always thought that was life, how you do life. Theorize, plan, execute. The Strength of Strategic for Gallup Strengthers. From Now Discover Your Strengths. Lol
I can now see that incompatibility from their outcomes. I was the engine, the driving force, in the relationships. I now see how much i would try to stifle myself. For instance I didn't tell one guy I was a writer when he bashfully admitted writing short stories as a hobby. I'd written a dozen novels by then, a hundred articles and short stories been published all over the country, had paid readings, performed dozens of times, owned a publishing company on a national scale but I omitted it all to not be competitive probably because I sensed how competitive he was. Based of a public reading at one place I got invited to do a one man show at the Nuyorican Cafe here in NYC. It felt smaller to me than I can now see it did to him, out of the blue, which is why he didn't make my show. Its a big deal, famous artist space.
I hadn't discussed this second artistic career mainly because the same dynamic had repeated twice previously within wannabes' and their knowledge of my accomplishments so I was trying to be attractive by being less than myself.
I see that I did so for loving feelings from them but I presented as duplicitous. Now I think having gone through grief and loss I am reflecting on my own life as I consider my mother's and wish for more people who know me, though ironically, from the above I can see a pattern of minimizing myself, not being known in exchange for a simulacrum of real love.
And yet I feel sympathy for them. I was not my authentic self with them. They thought they got a lot of me, too much, I'm sure and in fact, they got very little. I shared very little of my interior world, my art, my hopes and dreams with them...partially because I was paying attention to them, shifting the conversations to them...but also, selfishly because I chose lesser men on purpose. Lesser men whom I could get away with playing as a lesser, crouched being with. I used them as a respite, friendships too, from living big, being big, the responsibility of living up to my potential. Many people over the years have been a door marked Mediocrity in my life.
Full circle irony, I got sick undergraduate year in college, my mom took me to several doctors in a short period of weeks, one was an MD/psychiatrist, he suggested that the whole thing was stress related from my dissonance at being very gifted, yet surrounding myself with lesser gifts people as a way of not being threatening to others. That ameliorating this habit would balance health, and it has.
It's taken me ten years to really see this without hubris and enact it without doubt.
I've published over a hundred books, with more to come!,produced a TV show for eight years, taught at elite places: universities, companies, and generally am on track fulfilling my passions. I distinctly see I couldn't have done this with those people in my life. In fact I find I'm more creative and productive when I'm not trying to conform into a relationship, its like I only have energy in one direction or form and i must conserve it. Perhaps this is a note on dysfunctional energy usage sapping creativity but the more I live honestly and hedonisticly, like Picasso, the better I do.
I think of the past three-----where I suffered fools or less like the doctor said to avoid the work of living my dreams, fulfilling my passions, creating my art.
Wow, an Aha Moment!
Oprah would be proud. Lol
I hadn't discussed this second artistic career mainly because the same dynamic had repeated twice previously within wannabes' and their knowledge of my accomplishments so I was trying to be attractive by being less than myself.
I see that I did so for loving feelings from them but I presented as duplicitous. Now I think having gone through grief and loss I am reflecting on my own life as I consider my mother's and wish for more people who know me, though ironically, from the above I can see a pattern of minimizing myself, not being known in exchange for a simulacrum of real love.
And yet I feel sympathy for them. I was not my authentic self with them. They thought they got a lot of me, too much, I'm sure and in fact, they got very little. I shared very little of my interior world, my art, my hopes and dreams with them...partially because I was paying attention to them, shifting the conversations to them...but also, selfishly because I chose lesser men on purpose. Lesser men whom I could get away with playing as a lesser, crouched being with. I used them as a respite, friendships too, from living big, being big, the responsibility of living up to my potential. Many people over the years have been a door marked Mediocrity in my life.Full circle irony, I got sick undergraduate year in college, my mom took me to several doctors in a short period of weeks, one was an MD/psychiatrist, he suggested that the whole thing was stress related from my dissonance at being very gifted, yet surrounding myself with lesser gifts people as a way of not being threatening to others. That ameliorating this habit would balance health, and it has.
It's taken me ten years to really see this without hubris and enact it without doubt.
I've published over a hundred books, with more to come!,produced a TV show for eight years, taught at elite places: universities, companies, and generally am on track fulfilling my passions. I distinctly see I couldn't have done this with those people in my life. In fact I find I'm more creative and productive when I'm not trying to conform into a relationship, its like I only have energy in one direction or form and i must conserve it. Perhaps this is a note on dysfunctional energy usage sapping creativity but the more I live honestly and hedonisticly, like Picasso, the better I do.
I think of the past three-----where I suffered fools or less like the doctor said to avoid the work of living my dreams, fulfilling my passions, creating my art.
Wow, an Aha Moment!
Oprah would be proud. Lol
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