Most of the confusion comes from—-exactly as conservatives, religions, cult—-suggest—exposure. Human are creatures of pattern and recognition. How we learn is an idea/concept or pattern is presented to us—-over and over and over. We either validated—-accept—-or invalidate it—-deny.
But we can be overwhelmed by patterns—-meaning that we’re looking as children at other people—-children, nature, adults—-then school——- TV, movies, books——for Accept/Deny. The more we’re exposed to realities that press us to answer questions—-the more we express Accept/Deny.
In one of my workshops teaching MSM—-there was a guy—-Steve—-who was an awkward fellow. The question was whether he was awkward because he was just odd or quirky or gay. He didn’t know. So he went into a cloistered monastery life at 21. Because religion was so venerated in his family there was never any question if Steve was doing one thing to avoid another. Then because he was awkward he had no one to compare his Accept/Deny—-Sexuality thoughts—-with. He was awkward, everyone thought he was awkward, so he adhered to being awkward and then accepted it in a very sacred way as a monk.
Seven years later, he took a break from monking and dropped out of the cloister at 28.
It was like a child being thrown into Studio 54 after a booty bump of coke. He wasn’t a tabula rasa—-he understood the “world” and that there were different kinds of people but his Pattern Matcher was all over the place because he hadn’t had gradual experience to check yes or no with. He finally fell into some homo action but the pleasure and confusion of the homo actions, deeply upset his awkward self.
LGBTSGL Secrets
What LGBTSGL folk rarely talk about is the confusion. They want to portray surety so they gloss over periods of confusion when you have to consider, experiment, reconsider—-and really concretize what you’re doing is trying to find a harmonious information set against the cacophony of the world (your world) that projects intensely, heterosexuality, at you.
It’s like a huge church bell vs. a persistent beeping inside of your head. You often assume everyone has the beeping. But then you have a beeping and it resonates to another beeping OUTSIDE of yourself—-which increases the volume and surety of the beeping inside of yourself. And you learn that you can turn down the gonging volume of the Hetero Bell outside of yourself.
Not everyone learns this psychic skill, young.
Steve was awkward and odd to begin with so he came across as weird so everyone was relieved when he said the monastery was his destiny. When he dropped out at 28 it was because the beeping was so insistent.
So he experimented.
But he also had the cloistered rule set now so he found being a raging Bottom Queen, who loved the taste of man shaft and guy spunk——too much—-to incorporate, into an already shaky identity.
At 29, he went back into the monastery with the subtle stench of semen on his upper lip.
He permanently left the monastery at 40 after discovering a lot of his brother monks were also sisters. He didn’t have the highest end gaydar but his creaky, kit bashed version was enough for him to suddenly SEE the men around him and their secret liaisons. But what happened when he came out and then came out of the monastery again, in his 40s, was that he was sort of still 21–23 years old—-the monastery had reduced his maturing, the quality of his internal beeping, so he had to immediately go into therapy to figure who and what he was. He hadn’t developed the filter to the gong bells of society vs his internal beeping.
As he learned to attune his internal and external hearing to increase and decrease to favor his own internal identity—-he experienced a crushing grief. He’d wasted so much time. He often talked about the grief, it was so intense that he considered the monastery again, as a refuge, or perhaps, suicide.
Beyond Steve
Steve was an extreme case but he is also the measuring exampling of the closeted/DL man who is trying to balance the power—-patriarchal, social, religious, familial—- that being perceived as a straight man presents. He also presented as an immature man, who acted like a teen/young adult because he’d submerged maturity for nearly 20 years—-or not integrated sexuality maturity to his identity. So he could drive a car but asking a man on a date was a five car pile up. But because he’s experienced absolutely NOT and then YES! and then No More Yes! and then Mature Yes over 20 years, he was able to be “out”.
Most people don’t get such radical contrasts to compare themselves. Or their social system demands conformity so they suppress the beeping.
The Hard Beeping Truth
Here’s the truth—-the more beeping about not being heterosexual in society that we as a society allow, the more people’s internal beepings will resonate. It’s probably closer to a third of the population is not heterosexual. A couple billion people.
Now why did that upset some folk?
That’s the bell gonging in your head that looks out the window, sees sunlight, hears birds chirping, with a roof over your head, electricity to power your computer and a refrigerator full of food—-that is terrified of what it means that the bell gonging ISN’T reality—-that’s it’s just something that’s at a louder volume.
What would it really matter to you personally if a couple billion people weren’t what you are?
Sit with that for a second.
Whatever those billions are doing now, hasn’t changed you.
We have all been taught to listen to the gonging bells before the sounds within. But due to the internet being a form of electronic telepathy and information sharing—-we can now—-from a cellphone in Bangladesh—— one can see two guys railing each other like Amtrak on Pornhub.
Which might beep beep something inside of us.
So, yes, quite a few people don’t know what they are, honestly. It’s very common not to know and it’s even more common, now, for adults to shift.
More and more.
#KyePhoenix
#TheKylePhoenixShow
Smile, Kyle
KylePhoenixShow@Gmail.com
The Kyle Phoenix Show LIVE STREAMING on MNN.org 1130pm, Spectrum Cable Manhattan, NY Channel 56 & 1996, also FIOS 34 and RCN 83.
Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show LIVESTREAM on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) Thursdays 1130pm
Kyle Phoenix is a teacher, certified adult educator, sexologist, sex coach and sexuality educator with over two decades of intensive experience. He studied at the University at Buffalo, SUNY, New York University, and Columbia University. He has worked, consulted and taught individuals and focused professional developments for the CDC, Department of Education, Gay Men's Health Crisis, New York City Department of Health, non-profits, Fortune 500 companies and unions. He began his career facilitating on-campus workshops addressing a wide range of sexuality and sexual health issues and then moved on to teaching at universities, non-profits, private groups and clients, hosting The Kyle Phoenix Show on television and multiple online webinars, including YouTube and Sclipo and writing extensively through his blog, Special Reports, articles and other print and E books in the Kyle Phoenix Series on relationships, finance, education, spirituality and culture. He lives in New York with his family.
KylePhoenixShow@Gmail.com
#TheKylePhoenixShow
No comments:
Post a Comment